Pancakes, waffles, sausage, toast…to hell with all of it.

Breakfast, the so called “most important meal of the day,” has so much room for improvement. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of breakfast…and by breakfast I mean brunch…and by brunch, I mean bottomless mimosas on a patio while I take a few bites of a burrito filled with eggs, cheddar cheese, and bacon.

Let’s break down a few of what I would assume are the generally most popular breakfast foods, starting with the aforementioned, “incredible, edible egg.”

Eggs

You’re going to tell me that if scrambled eggs weren’t widely accepted, that this amorphous blob of neon yellow fluff to our left here would look appetizing? I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot fork.

If I have to incorporate eggs into a meal of mine, I’m throwing in some green pepper, onion, chorizo, and the like to make it some form of edible. That’s as big of an indictment on eggs as there can be; can’t win it on their own, need to rely on a supporting cast to get it done.

Pancakes

Look at that fat stack, topped with a perfect portion of melted butter, drizzled with juuuuust the right amount of syrup trickling down that power tower of flapjacks to create pinstripes of brown sap down the sides and a moat of sugar cane and maple at the base that can’t be beat, right?

WRONG. Pancakes are the less successful distant cousin of the tortilla, both in shape and functionality. I’d rather eat a PB&J wrapped in a tortilla than peanut butter pancakes any day of the week.

Sausage

I mean…where do I start here? The poor swines who live their entire swine lives, only to end up as breakfast sausage deserve better.

If their inevitable ending is going to be what it is for most pigs, they have to be hoping they’re moving on to their next life as a sirloin, baby back rib, or at least a pork chop, no?

There are better ways to tame the hunger pains in the morning, my friends! Want a slice of pizza at 10AM? Why the hell not? Feel like throwing back a reuben sandwich with a Bloody Mary after rolling out of bed? Who says no? Saddling up at IHOP for your inaugural chow doesn’t have to be your only option.

I know I’m fighting a major uphill battle here, and that this blog is probably going to have a solid 95% disagree rate. But I can’t be the only one out here who prefers a sandwich, wrap, or literally anything else when sitting down for my first meal of the day…right?