Some absolute bananas “news” out of Pittsburgh this morning.
The Pittsburgh Steelers, as confirmed by running back Jaylen Warren, are considering using recently acquired quarterback Justin Fields as a punt returner.
Punt. Returner.
As if this man hasn’t been boned (pause) enough; what was meant to be his fresh start with a patient, quarterback rich organization, quickly has become a circus.
The Bears made the right choice in dealing Fields and going with Caleb Williams, for a number of reasons. Even so, they absolutely LOADED UP the second he was gone. More help than Fields ever had during his three years in Chicago. Just have to imagine it stings a little bit seeing your old team put the pedal to the medal from afar.
But the guy gets a new team who has done a lot of winning, and it almost immediately turns into a freak show. Even if this ends up not being true, the fact that he is continually treated as a pawn has to be incredibly frustrating.
The fake bird chirps…the spray painted grass…The Masters.
The best weekend in golf is here, and so is our dumb preview.
Last year we were piiiiiiissed at the first and second round pairings. This year, much like Phil Mickelson, we’re so excited we can’t feel our face.
So let’s dive in to some notable playing groups we’ll see Thursday and Friday at Augusta.
10:06AM/1:12PM.: Patrick Cantlay, Min Woo Lee, Rickie Fowler: truly hope Min Woo and Rickie are in for the fastest round of their lives!
10:18AM/1:24PM: Hideki Matsuyama, Will Zalatoris, Justin Thomas: we will take any reason we can find to relive Hideki’s caddy bowing to the course.
10:30AM/1:36PM: Jon Rahm, Matt Fitzpatrick, Nick Dunlap: if Rahm plays poorly this week, he may just use his LIV money to buy and bulldoze Augusta.
10:42AM/1:48PM: Scottie Scheffler, Rory McIlroy, Xander Schauffele: Scottie’s on baby watch, if he wins this weekend you have to name that kid August, right?
10:54AM/2:00PM: Wyndham Clark, Viktor Hovland, Cameron Smith: this group is interesting because you have two incredibly rich sounding names and then a dude who might be the best of the three who looks like a cigarette butt.
11:42AM/8:36AM: Vijay Singh, Si Woo Kim, Emiliano Grillo: speaking of names, here we have the group with the widest gap between funnest names to say and most boring to watch.
12:48PM/9:36AM: Patrick Reed, Sungjae Im, Kurt Kitayama: despite Reed being the leader in career earnings by a long shot in this group, we would highly advise Sungjae and Kurt to keep a close eye on their wallets.
1:24PM/10:18AM: Tiger Woods, Jason Day, Max Homa: we’re not going to make the boring no sex joke about Tiger here…but honestly being around a couple hotties like Jason and Max for a few days might pop that chastity belt right off.
1:36PM/10:30AM: Brian Harman, Brooks Koepka, Tom Kim: if Brooks doesn’t make the cut he might be as wide eyed as Phil.
The Masters is the perfect comedown from March Madness, something the sports Gods give us every year to wean us off the hard stuff like a heroine detox center. But with all of these pairings, we’re ready to relapse.
Americans everywhere jumped for joy, did exuberant cartwheels, and ran 5k’s in celebration. This is something we’ve all wanted, and we’re finally getting it baby.
But why stop here? Why can’t our lust for fast food combinations Joey Chestnut would find disgusting stop with McKreme’s?
I am here today to call on Wendy’s to partner with Panda Express. Why won’t Burger King make a combo meal with Olive Garden? Do we dare call ourselves a proper country if we don’t have access to an Arby’s/Sonic roast beef chocolate shake?
We want it all, we want it now, and we won’t rest until we get what we want…actually we’ll all probably need a quick power nap, juuuuust a quick recharge after our Big Mac with Krispy Kreme Buns.
Cut a 25 year old Alex Mattison to replace him with a 29 year old Aaron Jones. A 29 year old Aaron Jones with 1,449 career touches compared to Mattison’s 684.
Re-signed the below STUDS:
Theo Jackson: special teams extraordinaire
Nick Muse: a seventh round TE
Johnny Mundt: another TE who has taken the league by storm, racking up 312 yards and two touchdowns (in the past two seasons combined)
David Quessenberry & Blake Brandel: two stalwarts of the Vikings offensive line who combined for a dominating nine starts last season
Safe to say Justin Jefferson has to be feeling *reallly, really* good about the direction of the organization. There is no doubt in my, and surely Vikings fans everywhere, minds that he’ll be ready to sign a mega extension to be in Minnesota for the remainder of his career upon his free agency next year.
The NFLPA does a lot of good things, but their yearly report card might be the best.
The one time each year that players get to anonymously eviscerate their teams without worry. The 2024 edition is finally here, and there is some SHADE.
Again, Josh McDaniels has always been a perfect locker room guy.
Training Room
“F” grade: Commanders
The Commies are the only team to receive a failing grade in this category, and we’re always here for anything that further confirms Dan Snyder being a human puddle of garbage water.
“A” grades: Jaguars, Dolphins, Vikings
The Dolphins deserve this A for somehow managing to get Tua to play all 17 games this season.
Training Staff
“F” grades: Chiefs, Commanders
The only time the Chiefs and Commanders will be uttered in the same breath.
Only two of these teams made the playoffs; are training staffs even important?
Shoutout to the NFLPA for allowing the boys to anonymously spill the tea every year, and shoutout to the Dolphins for getting A’s in every single category. More importantly, shoutout to the Commanders for locking down four out of six F’s.
Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer and worst clothing designer of all time.
The PGA’s official Instagram account gave us our first views into his new gear after his 27 year relationship with Nike ended in January and…yikes.
The logo…I mean come on.
For our large swath of lady readers out there and the men who get manicures, doesn’t this logo look familiar?
Why are there two zippers? How do you get out of this deathtrap? Can you imagine having a claustrophobic attack and needing to get out of this thing?
This is a medical emergency waiting to happen, shame on you, Tiger.
Not really sure why the PGA posted this picture…I can’t see anything here.
Listen…we love Tiger. He’s the unequivocal GOAT in his sport, and has done unspeakable things on the golf course (and off, honestly). This is just a rare miss. But the good news is we’re only looking at the first wave here, and there’s nowhere to go but up.
Dan Quinn is your new Washington Commanders head coach.
The news seems to be being received with a collective…”meh.”
This hiring cycle may have been the greatest collection of candidate pools we’ll ever see: Bill Belichick, John Harbaugh, Mike Vrabel, Vic Fangio, and of course…Josh McDaniels.
The Commanders seemed to have been a lock for the highly-coveted Ben Johnson, who decided he’d rather remain in Detroit than lead the Commies. Thus, a retread head coach who did make a Super Bowl…and that’s all we’ll say about that.
So, a bit of a let down for Commander fans. Going from one of the hottest candidates in the game to Dan Quinn.
This is flat out a rough look for a franchise who was trying to start fresh with a new ownership group. Tough not hiring Cain and settling for Abel; giving the head job to Ron Harper when you almost had Michael Jordan; bringing in blue cheese when you could’ve had ranch…it just doesn’t feel completely right.
Oscar nominations are out and all of the big names and categories are trending: Best Picture, Barbie, America Ferrera, Cillian Murphy, Zac Efron, The Holdovers, Best Actress, Past Lives, Just Ken to name a few.
The six big categories are what most people care about. Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Director are listed at the top of the page for a reason.
No on cares about my (or your) predictions, so let’s just do a little rapid fire chit chat as a self-proclaimed movie critic.
Why the hell are there ten nominations for Best Picture? The Best Actress should probably always just be awarded to Emma Stone. Best Actor should be applauded for giving us the widest range of ugliest to hottest entertainers in Paul Giamatti, Cillian Murphy, and Bradley Cooper.
Best Supporting Actress should also probably just be given to Emma Stone. The Best Supporting Actor category has a 60% chance of the winner’s name starting with “R.” Finally, the Best Director nominees combine for 259 years old, an average of 51.8 years. So, if you’re an aspiring director, just put those plans on hold until you’re AT LEAST a quinquagenarian.
So sit back, grab some popcorn and prosecco, and let’s continue to enjoy award season and all of the Hollywood autofellatio that it brings.
The Titans fired Mike Vrabel today, a shock in the NFL coaching carousel not a lot of us saw coming.
Vrabel’s easily a top 10 coach; many teams would fire their current head coach right now and replace them with Vrabes if they could. Because of agents, contracts, etc., that unfortunately cannot happen.
What can happen, however, is provide a factual list of coaches who are still currently employed at the time of publishing of this blog.
That’s right: Giff Smith, while interim, is still indeed employed by the Chargers. Human bowling ball Brian Daboll is on the payroll. Matt Eberflus might just be hiding under the radar with all of the decisions the Bears have to make this offseason. Dennis Allen is still with the Saints, unless Jamies Winston decides otherwise. Finally, yes, even though his team is currently in the playoffs, Todd Bowles is still gainfully employed.
This is simply a list of still employed coaches, just a randomly selected bunch of guys who are current leaders of organizations in the NFL, unlike Mike Vrabel.
LSU Head Coach and America’s Sweetheart Brian Kelly is looking for a new Defensive Coordinator.
After a 10-3 season lead by Heisman winner Jayden Daniels, our beloved marshmellow Coach Kelly announced Wednesday that he will be re-tooling his defensive staff after a lackluster season on that side of the ball for the Tigers.
The only question left at this point: who wouldn’t want to work for this sugar bear?! Obviously a big time program in the SEC is up for grabs; but there is so much more prospective candidates for the job on Coach Kelly’s (as we like to call him, Mr. Rainbow) staff.
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