Let’s Meet New Detroit Lions Head Coach Dan Campbell, Shall We?

Photo: Indy Star

On Thursday, the Detroit Lions officially announced the hiring of their new head coach, Dan Campbell. The new leader of the Lions inked a six year deal to become the next man in a long line of coaches attempting to bring the Lions out of proverbial irrelevancy. Campbell is tasked with improving a franchise that hasn’t won their division since 1993, and won their last playoff game a year before that, in 1992.

A tall task indeed, but Campbell may just be crazy enough to get the job done. This man is an absolute character. A total meathead in the most sincere form of the word. Let’s learn a few fun facts about the man, the myth, the legend…Dan Campbell.

He Loves Metallica

Campbell took over for Joe Philbin as the interim coach for the Miami Dolphins in 2015. In one of his first press conferences, “Dantallica” provided some insight on his musical preferences:

“I’m a big country/Metallica fan. That’s kind of who I am…I like classic rock, too, but that was something…I really wanted to see them. So I stayed up and I knew the ticket box was going to be open at 8 and it was probably going to be packed, so I just decided to stay up. Anyway, I got there, I think I was fourth in line. So it worked out.”

Dantallica is a man of passion. That passion might just be enough to get the Lions to the promised land.

His Power Stance is an All-Timer

Raw power.

How anyone could think they could line up against the man responsible for putting out these kind of vibes?

If I were Dan Campbell, my interview strategy would be to come in the room, slap this picture down on the desk, and as whoever I’m talking to how much they’re willing to pay me.

I can only assume this man is keeping this amount of space betwixt his legs for all of the Super Bowl trophies he’s planning on bringing to Detroit.

He is an Supercharged Electric Quote Factory

The entire internet rarely agrees on anything; but we are all in agreement that Dan Campbell won his introductory press conference; a few examples:

“[W]e’re going to kick you in the teeth, all right, and when you punch us back, we’re going to smile at you and when you knock us down, we’re going to get up, and on the way up, we’re going to bite a knee cap off.

“[W]hen you come into Detroit, you’re going to leave beat up. And I’m talking about as a team. I’m not saying we get – the tourists come in. People want to come in.”

Now, hopefully Dantallica meant all of these things metaphorically, as I don’t think these ideas are going to work too well in terms of a game plan when the Lions take the field next season. What I can say, though, is that Detroit seems to have their guy. This is such an insane hire that Detroit may have just struck gold.

Super Bowl LVI is scheduled for February 6, 2022 in Los Angeles….just sayin’.

Sunday State of Mind: January 11th-January 17th

Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

NFL Divisional Playoff weekend has come and gone. We’re here to wax poetic about it in this week’s SSM.

First game of the weekend, hosted by Green Bay
The Packers really took it to the Rams of LA
Aaron Rodgers continued his MVP run
The Rams are headed home, back to the California sun

The Bills and Ravens in upstate New York
Buffalo’s in the AFC Championship, pop the cork
The Ravens fall again in the second round
Someday soon Lamar will be Super Bowl bound

The Cleveland Browns had a nice playoff run
But they met the Chiefs, and now they’re done
Patrick Mahomes continues to roll
If he beats the Bills, he’s off to another Super Bowl

Bucs and Saints, Tom Brady again
Went down to New Orleans, came out with a win
Brady vs. Rodgers next week, up in Lambeau
All time QB matchup, who says no?

James Harden Strips Down His Rockets Career, Heads to Brooklyn

Photo: Hypebeast

Ladies and gentlemen…let’s all welcome to the stage, the hottest new talent in Brooklyn, James “The Beard” Hardeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

It’s about to rain in Brooklyn. The (fish)Nets have brought in a smokin’ hot new entertainer to grace the stage at The Barclays Center. On Tuesday, James Harden went full bare ass, railed the Rockets organization, and has been traded. He will be bringing his wild, some might even say exotic, style of play to Brooklyn moving forward.

No reports have been filed as to how Harden traveled from his old home to his new one. Was it in a mile high plane? Did he run onto a train? Possibly traveled via waterway in a motorboat? No one knows.

Harden has made many, many dollar bills putting a ball through a hole, and has been tipped exceptionally well. His career highlight may have been when he climbed to the top of the pole in the 2018 MVP race. Harden erected himself to the tip top of the league, and looked down at everyone in the crowd who couldn’t take their eyes off of everything he was willing to let us see. The spotlight was on The Beard; he put on a show, and did not disappoint. The MVP became a VIP.

But here we are, in 2021, and the show is over. The club in Houston has shut down, if you will. Harden will no longer own any Houston Rockets jerseys; if that were all he owned before the trade, he would be totally topless. He has turned the other cheek on The Rockets. The Beard will now need to learn a whole new offense, and become abreast of his new Nets teammates.

Here’s hoping this fresh start will spring new life into Harden, and that he opens himself up to his new organization.

Sunday State of Mind: December 14th-December 20th

Photo: Sven Vee on Unsplash

Last Sunday State of Mind before Christmas! Here’s a short, poetic recap of the week that was in this week’s SSM.

Championship Saturday in college football
Ducks, Tide, Tigers, and Buckeyes won ’em all
We’re winding down on what was an interesting year
Time for the college football playoffs, a whole other gear

Speaking of the CFP, the field has been set
It could be a playoff we won’t soon forget
Clemson/Ohio State should be a hell of a game
Alabama should absolutely boat race Notre Dame

Charlie Woods took the golf world by storm
The son of Tiger, not the norm
His gene pool is definitely doing him some favors
The kid looks like he’s on track for 200 majors

What Could Giannis Antetokounmpo Buy With His Newly Signed $228M Supermax Contract?

That’s a lot of cheddar.

On Tuesday, The Milwaukee Bucks announced a contract extension with the cornerstone of their franchise, Giannis Antetokounmpo. The Greek Freak signed a supermax contract for five years and $228M, keeping arguably the best basketball player on the planet in Milwaukee for the foreseeable future.

Antetokounmpo confirmed as much via social media:

A very nice, clean message. What I think Giannis was looking like in real life behind the phone was something similar to this:

Picture: Wallpaper Cave

I don’t know about you, but to me, $228M is a pretty good chunk of change. It got me thinking…what exactly could Giannis buy during his next five years in Milwaukee with all of that coin?

Now, I would never tell another person what to do with their money…but there’s some pretty great stuff Giannis could buy with all of that scratch. Congrats to The Greek Freak on his big payday.

Sunday State of Mind: December 7th-December 13th

A slow week in sports leads to a slow week in content. But here we are, Sunday evening, and we’re going to try and squeeze some life out of the week that was in sports in this week’s Sunday State of Mind.

Some big changes afoot for Illinois football
Lovie Smith has been fired, his number’s been called
Seventeen wins in five years at the school
That’ll get you fired, and back in the job search pool

Another head coach fired, Auburn’s Guz Malzahn
After a 6-4 season, he’s now Guz Malz-gone
He brought the Tigers to the title game in 2013
But now the curtain has closed, end of scene

The NBA preseason returned this week
It’s still worth watching for basketball geeks
Doesn’t it seem like the offseason was incredibly short?
Everything’s weird and off schedule in this world of sports

Sunday State of Mind: December 1-December 6th

Sunday is here, and so is another week of SSM.

Baker Mayfield had himself a day
Four touchdowns, 334 yards, to the Titans’ dismay
The Browns moved to 9-3 on the year
Once in a blue moon the Dawg Pound can cheer

A few big name changes, on Chicago’s North Side
Kyle Schwarber is gone, and Len Kasper has gone for a ride
To The White Sox radio both, Cubs fans were surprised
What’s going on with the Cubs? It’s hard to surmise

A big name trade in the NBA
John Wall for Russell Westbrook, what the hey?!
A few bad contracts, who both wanted to change teams
This trade will only change things in Wizards & Rockets fan’s dreams

Alabama football rolled their rival LSU
The Crimson Tide won by 38, Tigers didn’t have a clue
In this weird COVID season, one thing remains the same
Alabama is good, and they’ll probably win every game

The NBA Dropped the 2020-2021 “City Edition” Jerseys Today and We are Now Fashion Critics

The NBA is the the best in the big four sports at a lot of things. They by far and away have the best commissioner in Adam Silver, they lead the charge in the “bubble” phenomenon while getting their sport back on track during the pandemic, and have been for the most part the league least afraid to take stands on both social and political issues.

They also are not afraid to get weird with it when it comes to uniforms, which I respect. Don’t get me wrong, I love the traditional uniforms of Alabama football, Yankee baseball, etc. But getting out of your comfort zone is always a good thing, both in uniforms and in life. In recent years, the NBA has begun creating new uniforms for teams, calling them “City Edition” jerseys that are meant to show “team history and unique city stories.” The 2021 versions were fully released today, and boy are they something.

Atlanta Hawks – while the MLK tribute is awesome, this looks like a jersey from a low budget, late 90’s Disney movie about a team full of scrubs who pulled out all of the right tricks, and had juuuust the right amount of luck to upset the far superiorly talented rivals from across town.
Boston Celtics – an ode to the 17 championship banners hanging in TD Garden, this jersey is the aforementioned far superiorly talented rivals from across town that the Atlanta Hawks beat in the low budget late 90’s Disney movie.
Brooklyn Nets – this jersey has the “Friends” font; and we all know how we feel about Friends around here.
Charlotte Hornets – this jersey looks like mint chocolate ice cream, and it makes me mad because I don’t have any right now.
Chicago Bulls – the Bulls slogan is “Touch the Clouds,” which is ironic because they haven’t touched anywhere higher than eighth place in the Eastern Conference in the past five years.
Cleveland Cavaliers – the font on the Cavs jerseys is as unbalanced and messy as the organization itself.
Dallas Mavericks – hard to find much wrong with these, besides the fact that one of the NBA’s best players, Luka Dončić, wears number 77. Get the hell out of here and give the man a real number.
Denver Nuggets – bold move by the Nuggets here to trot themselves out there wearing the Russian National Team’s uniforms.
Detroit Pistons – very fitting slogan here, “Tough Together,” Pistons fans have had to watch some tough looking basketball together for the last decade or so.
Golden State Warriors – hard to argue with this one, paying tribute to Oakland after moving into their new arena in San Francisco. Like most things The Warriors have done since they drafted Steph Curry, this was done right.
Houston Rockets – so we’re just copy and pasting the alternate Thunder jerseys here? Cool, cool.
Indiana Pacers – a nice throwback here that reminds me of one of my favorite players of all time, Rik Smits.
Los Angeles Clippers – these are pretty much identical to the Clippers 2019-2020 “City Edition” jerseys, so bonus points for fresh creativity. Bonus points for making me want to play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas when I see the font.
Los Angeles Lakers – a throwback to the old Minneapolis Laker uniforms. Nice mix of old current uniforms with the updated Lakers font up top.
Memphis Grizzlies – these are solid, but I wish they would’ve just went for it with the old Vancouver Grizzlies uniforms, which are just gorgeous and remind me of another one of my favorite old players, Bryant “Big Country” Reeves.
Miami Heat – this is the perfect city/team for something like “City Edition” jerseys. Miami can do anything with any neon pink, blue, orange, etc. and make it look great. A very solid, wavy effort here.
Milwaukee Bucks – does anyone really associate Milwaukee with the Great Lakes? I don’t, but can only assume this is what Giannis Antetokounmpo wanted, and The Bucks continue to do whatever they can to keep him happy and in Milwaukee.
Minnesota Timberwolves – this is just generally boring. Also the slogan “The North Star That Guides & Unites” is pretty great for a organization that has seemingly no direction at this point.
New Orleans Pelicans – an ambitious stab here, although I think it came out looking more like what I would have came up with for uniforms of my “Create A Team” in NBA Live 2002. You know, the one with Steve Francis on the cover.
Oklahoma City Thunder – there is A LOT going on here. But the Love’s Truck Stop patch is always good for a chuckle.
Orlando Magic – Orlando has messed around with incorporating orange into their uniforms in last years “City Edition,” and I just don’t get it. They have a great color scheme, and should use it here.
Philadelphia 76ers – a lot of horizontal action happening here. This jersey looks like it belongs on an AAU team from Philly.
Phoenix Suns – these I can get into. The mountain formation of the classic Suns colors. Great look for Devin Booker and his new BFF Chris Paul.
Portland Trailblazers – fun fact: these jerseys are a tribute to a never-before released alternate jersey of the Flint Tropics.
Sacramento Kings – I can see thousands of bros at Bonnaroo and Lollapalooza rocking these bad boys solely because is has “sac” on it, which is approval enough for me.
San Antonio Spurs – very smooth. Slick font, crisp lines across the chest. I’m all in here.
Toronto Raptors – from a team that’s going to be playing in Tampa Bay next year, missed opportunity to double up on your sales by throwing “Tampa Bay” and “Toronto” across the chest. Those friendly Canadians are too nice to make people pay twice though, eh?
Utah Jazz – cool idea, but why stop the color scheme at the top of “Utah?” Let those warm colors keep rolling in cold ass Salt Lake City.
Washington Wizards – ending our recap here with a banger. These are great, from the throwback logo to the flag pattern moving down the sides. This is the best thing the Wizards franchise has done in a while.

Even though it seems like the NBA season ended last week, it will be back on Christmas Day. Bring on The Association and all of the great, and not so great, “City Edition” jerseys that come with it.

The Aughts Hot or Not – Nickleback “Photograph”

We are back with another addition of AHN, and this time we are diving deep into the cringe.

Nickleback is the most hated band in history. We’re not the only ones saying this, it’s scientifically proven. The band hails from Hanna, Alberta, Canada, and (unfortunately) came on the scene with their first hit, “How You Remind Me” in 2001. Since then, it has been a continued decline for lead singer Chad Kroeger and his Ed Hardy-wearing group of rockers.

The band has come out with songs for years that have been consistently panned. From such classics as “Someday” (2003) to “Rockstar” (2005), Nickleback has continued to assault our eardrums for the past two decades. They’ve somehow accrued incredible commercial success, however. According to officialcharts.com, their singles have spent a combined 28 weeks in the Top 10, 83 weeks in the top 40, and 144 weeks in the top 100 on the US charts; thus proving that there are people out there who will listen to anything.

Today, we’re focusing on the hit “Photograph” off of the band’s 2005 album “All The Right Reasons.” This was another song in the never ending product line of Nickleback offerings that all sound pretty similar. This timeless piece gives us Chad (such a perfect name for this band’s leader, by the way) looking back on his hometown of Hanna, and shows us the roots of the man who would become a rock God for dudes who drink Mountain Dew and wear white-rimmed sunglasses.

Music Video

The music video for “Photograph” is…something. It starts with Chad forcing us to, indeed, “look at this photograph,” really hitting us over the head here. Around the 40 second mark, Chad and the boys take their purposefully-ripped jeans and graphic tees to the old gym at Hanna High to start shredding in the way only Nickleback can. We get some canned b-roll of a typical, rural town with dirt roads, a junk yard (for some reason?), and train tracks with overgrown weeds.

Around the three minute mark, we start to get introduced to some of the Hanna locals, and it’s exactly what you would expect from a relentlessly bland group like Nickleback. Tucked in plaid shirts, jeans worn out from years of blue-collar work, and even a few Karens for some razzle dazzle at the 3:06 mark. Other than that, we get some random video of a softball game, but otherwise just continued pounding of the small town feel of Nickleback’s hometown.

Best Lyric

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can’t erase
You can’t replace it

Whew…this was a treasure hunt. Trying to find a “best lyric” in a Nickleback song is like trying to find a good steak at a McDonald’s. It seems like this might be as nice and normal as Nickleback lyrics can actually get, which I guess is something. There’s honestly not much to analyze here, simply because like most of their lyrics, it’s so brain-numbingly dull that I can’t pull one interesting thought out of it.

This is as good as it’s going to get, folks.

Worst Lyric

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin’ out
They say somebody went and burned it down

…what?!

What a roller coaster of garbage we’re riding here. So, the cops hated patrons at the arcade? Why? I can only assume it was Chad and the boys’ fault. I can imagine, despite spending “every dollar” they ever made, they still tried to steal prizes, bled the place dry of Mountain Dew and beef jerky, and asked for free tokens when they ran out of money.

Also, we’re just throwing out the fact that someone burned down the poor arcade, and just moving right along with our lives? That’s someone’s business, their income, their life. These thoughtless miscreants couldn’t care less about their old local hangout burning to the ground. Deplorable.

Rating

Reviewing a Nickleback song, let alone “Photograph,” was quite the masochistic process, and I’m not sure why it was done. You can’t have sunshine without the rain, as they say. As one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard, you almost have to respect Nickleback’s hustle for just continuously putting out shit that they know is going to be made fun of forever. Those steadfast Canadian rockers refuse to quit giving all of us songs we don’t want, don’t need, and will never like. Having said all of that, it still isn’t going to improve my rating.

Rating: 2 Carson Daly’s

Photo: USA Today

Sunday State of Mind: November 23rd-November 29th

We took some time to give thanks this week, and ignored the blog while doing so. But we’re back, and ready to review what we missed in the past seven days in this week’s Sunday State of Mind.

The Match 3 went down, teeing off on Friday
Phil, Chuck, Peyton, and Steph were excited to play
In a big upset, Charles Barkley played well
Chuck and Phil won 4 & 3, Peyton and Steph fell

Some more random sports, Mike Tyson is back!
He fought Roy Jones Jr., but the excitement lacked
It wasn’t a full match, only an exhibition spar
The “fight” was a draw, and was as slow as tar

Moving on to real sports, college basketball
A little behind schedule, still started in late fall
It’s great to see action back on the hardwood
A small step towards things feeling more like they should

Hate to beat a dead horse, but COVID’s still here
Ravished the Ravens, a realized fear
The MVP Lamar Jackson had a positive test
Ravens/Steelers delayed six days, not the best