A Proper Farewell to Gronk

Photo: SB Nation

The end of an era. Actually, a second era after a retirement from the first era and a few years off to party, wrestle, and party some more.

The picture & intro above is the perfect tornado of anarchy that was/is Rob Gronkowski. One of, if not the greatest tight end of all time officially (maybe, probably?) called it a career on Tuesday.

After putting up Hall of Fame numbers in his nine years in New England, retirement one came in 2019 after winning his third Super Bowl ring. In a year that was surely full of self reflection, meditation, and inward study, we were without the polar bear in pads. But we weren’t without athletic Frankenstein’s Monster for long. A few years in Tampa Bay with one of his buddies tacked on another ring for shits and giggles.

Now comes what seems like the real end of the on field road for Gronk. Trying to picture what a structure free, commitment-less life is going to look like for this real life Ivan Drago is like trying to access the dark web; you could probably get there…but you might regret what you see.

Other than the normal beer crushing, hip gyrating, and tongue waggling, what else might there be? Hollywood could be a landing spot, but he’s already proven in those Subway commericials that he can’t remember his lines. What about the crypto game? Gronkcoin sounds like something that definitely wouldn’t tank. Stand up comedy? He would always be guaranteed at least one laugh, that being his own, which is a great laugh, by the way.

Whatever the guy wants to do, he’ll do, and he’ll probably be successful at it. So farewell to one of the greats. Thanks for the entertainment and for always being yourself in an industry that for some reason often shuns that behavior. As always, keep on party rockin’.

Sunday State of Mind: May 13th-June 19th

It’s a special Juneteenth and Father’s Day edition of SSM.

Only one place to start, and that’s out in The Bay
The Warriors are champions again as of Thursday
Steph Curry was the MVP, a well earned award
The stupid “No Steph with KD” talk can now be ignored

The Colorado Avalanche are the perfect name
The Lightning are the target, and they’ve got perfect aim
Up 2-0 in the series, looking absolutely tough
Only two wins away from hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup

The Atlanta Braves, 14-game winning streak
Weekend series in Chicago, Cubbies looking bleak
Baseball did the baseball thing, Cubs won the series
After losing 10 in a row, beat Atlanta two of three

Sunday State of Mind: May 6th-June 12th

Guess who’s back? SSM, that’s who.

We’ve got our first pink slip handed out in MLB
The Angles fired Joe Maddon during a losing spree
The Halos started strong this year, formerly first place
Twelve straight losses gets you canned, an unfortunate case

Another manager made waves, and not the calming kind
Tony La Russa made a move and seemed to lose his mind
Gave Trea Turner a free base, the count was 1-2
Any way you look at it, that call really blew

The NBA Finals are tight, all tied at two a piece
Both teams are two wins away from making the series cease
Steph Curry’s a monster, but we all knew that
He’s all the Warriors have, rest of the team’s been flat

The battle for Lord Stanley is now set in stone
Lightning and the Avalanche for the hockey throne
Tampa Bay will go for their third straight championship
Colorado’s young, could be champs in their first trip

A Farewell Letter to Bryson and Patrick

Dearest Bryson and Patrick,

I cannot believe our time together is coming to an end. With your recently announced departure to The LIV Golf League; we wanted to compose a proper goodbye…this will be hard.

Bryson, how will we go on without your constant endearing chats with rules officials? That quintuple bogey at The Memorial in 2020 was so unfair! Hard to believe you were unjustly ruled against by one official, and when you asked a second official, he also ruled against you. How could that happen?!

Don’t even get us started on those life threatening ants at the WGC FedEx St. Jude Invitational, a mere two weeks later. You were so in the right pulling out Rule 16.2(a) from the USGA Rulebook: “a “dangerous animal condition” exists when a dangerous animal…near a ball could cause serious physical injury to the player if he or she had to play the ball as it lies.” Let he who could possibly manage hitting a golf ball with a few ants on the ground cast the first stone.

Patrick…sweet Patrick. Don’t we all love a perfect lie on our golf shots? That 2019 Hero World Challenge should have been a win, not a worthless third place finish, if not for the unjust cheating allegations. Listen, sand can move with a slight wind, or a club head, but mostly anything else. The fact that you were penalized two strokes for possibly improving your lie was cruel and inexcusable.

Or how about that 2021 Farmers Insurance Open? You may have picked up your ball to improve your lie, you may not have. Who knows? What does it really matter? You were blowing everyone out of the water anyways, we all knew you were going to win. Maybe it helped, maybe it didn’t. Those who think it did can suck an egg. You won that tournament fair and square.

So this is farewell to you two gentlemen of the game. We will miss you as we try to continue on without seeing you in PGA events. We know you will bring your dominance and mental toughness to The LIV. The mental ability to block accepting blood money and still be able to look yourselves in the mirror proves to all of us that you will be able to make this very worthwhile career move.

Give ’em hell, boys!

Sunday State of Mind: May 30th-June 5th

The weather has turned as we are past the unofficial opening of summer. The beautiful forecast calls for some beautiful sports poetry.

The NBA Finals, Boston and The Bay
Warriors and Celtics are here to play
Al Horford and the boys took game one on the road
If they win again tonight Draymond might explode

Capital One’s The Match, the QB edition
Four of our top quarterbacks in the competition
Brady, Rodgers, Patty, Josh, young guns verse the old
ARod and TB12 took it to them for the gold

Baseball staying relevant, thanks to the NFL
Tommy Pham’s a wildcard, we’re saying “what the hell?”
Who hasn’t wanted to slap a fellow league member
Fantasy football means a lot, Tommy’s got a temper

Avalanche and Rangers, not a lot of spoilers
Both looking for a sweep against the Lightning and the Oilers
Only a few shots left for Tampa and Edmonton
If they don’t get it in gear both squads will soon be done

Oh Shit, the Heard v. Depp Verdict is In

Photo: E! News

The final defecation, I mean decision has been handed brown, I mean down.

After an absolute shit-show of a trial, the jury finally decided in favor of Johnny Depp in the Amber Heard v. Johnny Depp he sued, she sued defamation trail that had $150M being sought between the two.

Man, this case absolutely went in the toilet. The whole thing smelled foul, and seemed repugnant from the start. The fact that cameras were allowed in the court room, and this whole case was dumped on us for a month and half stinks. The entire thing was a contest of who could sling the most mud out about the other person. It was total crap.

Luckily, the post-argument deliberation was short, and the jury decided not to squat on it for too long. They got up off their asses and logged their delivery as quickly as possible. They did not choose to sit on their throne and fart around; what was inside all of them was put it on paper in a brisk fashion. Kudos to them.

After all of this, I’m exhausted. I’d like to build a log cabin and hide. This whole case was annoying, like a dog scratching at my back door. I’m glad we can finally put this all behind us and stick this drama where the sun don’t shine.

Time to Fix the Pro Bowl

Photo: @RapSheet on Twitter

This conversation is long overdue.

After years of useless, uninspired football the week before the Super Bowl, it appears the NFL is finally ready to put the kibosh on the Pro Bowl “game.”

Plenty of decent ideas have been proposed from people who know more about football than we ever will. Those are all good and dandy, but we need to think outside of the box here. The Pro Bowl has arrived at the same level of exciting as paying your phone bill because the crusty NFL won’t open their crotchety brains to some excitement.

But, if we are to believe the well-connected Ian Rapoport’s tweet, maybe things are changing. So I put my dumb brain to work as an unpaid consultant for the NFL to provide some golden alternatives that would be more exciting than their boring ass Pro Bowl game.

  • Closest to the pin
  • Ping Pong
  • Hot dog eating
  • Case race; beer of choice TBD
  • Bench press max out between each conferences kickers
  • Academic decathlon
  • Gardening; the most beautiful landscape wins
  • Post an Instagram story that’s more self absorbed than LeBron James’
  • Bet a significant amount of money on the Maple Leafs to win an elimination game
  • Revved up chain saws engulfed in flames juggling competition

I mean…that’s just 10 off the dome without any effort. If I can rattle off double-digit prime solutions without any effort, those fat cats at NFL HQ can figure out how to fix their Pro Bowl…unless they want to use any of my ideas, in which case I’m open to negotiate.

It Just Means More When Jimbo & Nick Get Pissy In Press Conferences

We’re playing the feud!

In the new age of NIL, it’s the wild west when it comes to NCAA “recruiting.” Money’s out in the open, and college prospects are finally getting what they deserve for the services rendered to their chosen university.

In the ultimate pot calling the kettle black move, two of the college football’s richest coaches from two of the richest universities are now pissing into the wind about it.

On Monday, Nick Saban launched a verbal grenade on the current state of recruiting, singling out ‘ol Jimbo and the boys down at Texas A&M:


Nicky…sweet sweet Nicky. It’s incredible that you can look yourself in the mirror after spewing that garbage. It’s all in the open now baby, just let it fly. We all know everyone’s been dropping bags on recruits for years, now it’s just legal. It’s not the fact that you did it, as everyone else does, it’s the “holier than thou” smear campaign that you never took part in it. Maybe not you directly but, you know what’s going on. We all do.

Jimbo put his big boy britches on in response to Saban; some of the highlights below:

Sheeeeeeeeeesh.

Both of these guys are acting like clowns, including Texas A&M saying Saban “violated SEC Sportsmanship Rules,” and guess what? It’s working. Football is king and the second NBA & NHL Playoffs pick up, baseball gets into the chunk of their season, and the PGA Championship is on, guess what we’re reading about? SEC drama baby.

Alabama and Texas A&M meet up on October 8th this year when the Aggies head down to Tuscaloosa. Probably have to tune in to that one.

Sunday State of Mind: May 9th-May 15th

Photo: New Atlas

We were drowning in series-deciding games in the NBA Playoffs this weekend. Eliminations and game sevens were flying everywhere this week, and SSM is here for it.

Got started on Thursday night, Heat and 76ers
Joel Embiid came back but could not be Philly’s fixer
Jimmy Butler showed up, James Harden disappeared
Both teams said things after the game that were kinda weird

For the Memphis Grizzlies, Friday night was it
The Warriors are back to being the absolute shit
Klay and Steph were back up to their old splash brother ways
Going to the conference finals, hitting threes for days

Sunday was a big one, two game sevens on the slate
Bucks and the Celtics were the first game on our sports plate
This one was at The Garden, and Boston held their ground
With the win the Celtics, are now Miami bound

The finale of the weekend, Suns and the Mavs
Dallas is full of grown up cows, no more baby calves
A tough matchup awaits them, the Warriors are no joke
With Luka and J. Brunson, this team is far from broke

Sunday State of Mind: April 25th-May 1st

Photo: CNN

A jam-packed sports schedule lends itself to a few reminders here and there. That’s what SSM is for, you’re welcome.

The picking of the prospects, the NFL Draft
Fans getting new players finding out how their roster’s staffed
Draft grades make no sense, have to give these guys some time
To see if they’ll be good or bad, substandard or sublime

Round two NBA Playoffs are starting today
Eight teams left, four East four West, still able to play
Injuries aplenty, still plenty guys to see
Best time of the year NBA fans will all agree

Major League Baseball dropped the damn hammer
Threw out pitcher Trevor Bauer in the baseball slammer
A two year suspension, for some bad off field stuff
Search it at your own risk, it is pretty rough