Author: Chris Cook

A Mad Lib of Where Tom Brady Will Be February 1, 2024

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Photo: People

For the second February 1 in a row, Tom Brady has announced he’s retiring.

The February 1, 2022 was a longer, emotional message announcing a retirement that lasted approximately six minutes. The February 1, 2023 edition was more simple; a one minute video on the beach posted on social media.

So, while TB12 claims this go around is “for good,” it’s only fair for us to wonder if we’ll get a three peat retirement announcement on February 1, 2024. The only logical way to keep all options open, in our opinion, is a good ‘ol fashion’d Mad Lib:

It was a __________ (adjective) day in February 2024. Tom Brady just finished his __________ (number) season playing in the NFL, and he was still the __________ (synonym for best) quarterback in the NFL.

Here we go again, another retirement announcement, this is just getting __________ (synonym for dumb). We were all __________ (emotion) in 2022, but were tricked. Then 2023 came around, and we all felt a little more __________ (emotion) the second time around. Fool me once, shame on __________ (not me) fool me twice, shame on __________ (not you).

He made it through it all, being definitely wrongly accused of __________ (not inflated) footballs, smashing his __________ (not a landline) that was evidence. Doing anything he could to win, up to and potentially including __________ (not not recording) other team’s practices to steal signals.

We were all __________ (adjective) to have watched the greatest quarterback of __________ (specific amount of time). But __________ (yes/no/maybe), this is totally it. It is February 24, 2024, and Tom Brady has definitely retired.

So a big, heartfelt congratulations to Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. on his second, and absolutely 100% final, retirement. We cannot wait to see what’s next, which will definitely not be football. Ever again.

Sunday State of Mind: January 23rd-January 29th

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Photo: National Parks and Wildlife Service

The Super Bowl is set, we all know that. But what else happened in sports this week other than the Eagles and Chiefs advancing? SSM knows, and now you will too.

Streep, Denzel, Robert De Niro, best actors today
A new entry has joined the group, also plays in LA
A small slap of the wrist, felt like a broken arm
LeBron threw a hissy fit, keeps adding to his charm

More NBA antics, a bad repeat offender
Bad boy of the league Steph Curry, big fine money spender
Ejected from the game on Thursday, a disgusting act
Threw his mouthpiece on the ground, we all should feel attacked

Don’t look up to athletes kids, they’ll always let you down
Stetson Bennett had a night, then acted like a clown
A few too many Miller Lites and things can go awry
One month you’re a champion, the next you’re the bad guy

Phil was feeling feisty, on the internet
Cracking jokes between placing million dollar bets
Fashion trends and travel plans were in his stand up set
The internet did their job though, people don’t forget

Ranking Body Parts Patrick Mahomes Needs for the AFC Championship

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Photo: Larry Brown Sports

Last Saturday, we all saw Patrick Mahomes get bent in a way no normal human being should. If not, see the work of art above from the fine folks at Larry Brown Sports.

It was gross, we all cringed, and hoped we didn’t just see the end of Mahomes’ season. Somehow, he’s a super human freak and came back one one and a half legs and lead the Chiefs to the AFC Championship game.

The official diagnosis seems to be a high ankle sprain, which are three words no athlete wants to hear. But this is Patrick Mahomes we’re talking about. The aforementioned super human freak, who could maybe win this Sunday with zero legs if needed.

Because of that, we are here to rank the top body parts even sweet Patrick will need this weekend:

5. Ankle

This thing got bent so bad it caused a national shortage of medical tape.

If Mahomes wants to have any level of mobility in the pocket this weekend, that ankle needs to be somewhere near normal.

4. Elbow

We all know he can launch a football 175 yards with a flick of the wrist.

If the ankle’s not going to be a full go, he needs that right elbow there to utilize his arm strength.

3. Eyes

Mahomes has been lauded for his ability to see.

This leads to our number three most important body part, as he’ll need his eyes to see where he’s going against a tough Bengals defense.

2. Head

An extension of the eyes, Mahomes will need to make sure his head is attached to his torso if he wants to get to the Super Bowl.

As the old saying goes “need your head to get this bread, fam.”

1. Nuts

As we’ve come to learn since Mahomes has been in the league; this dude has big ‘ol cajones.

He can do it all, all the time. The testicular fortitude on this man is already Hall of Fame level, and he needs to lug those stones into Arrowhead Stadium to advance this weekend.

The body is a temple, and Patrick Mahomes’ is feeling a little rough at the moment. If he indeed brings all of the above, the rematch of last year’s AFC Championship against Joe Burrow and them boys is going to be a thriller.

Sunday State of Mind: January 16th-January 22nd

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Photo: Good Fon

Chiefs, Eagles, Bengals, 49ers win; Jaguars, Giants, Bills, and Cowboys lose. SSM reviews the NFL Divisional Round.

Started out in KC, a scary injury
Mahomes got folded up weird, seemed to hurt his knee
It was a ankle sprain, says he’ll play next week
Jags lost to the Chiefs but their future isn’t bleak

One blowout this weekend, an NFC East bout
Eagles railed the Giants, really left no doubt
Danny Dimes was bad, Jalen Hurts was good
The one seed in the NFC playing just like they should

Bengals and the Bills, snow globe in Buffalo
One QB was on his game and that was Joe Burrow
A rematch with the Chiefs for a trip to Arizona
Talking grad school NFL, winner gets a diploma

An all-time uni matchup, 49ers and Cowboys
Brock Purdy did it again with his offense full of toys
Next one on the docket, big one against the Eagles
Football was so good this weekend it should be illegal

LOL at LIV on The CW

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Photo: CWTV.com

LIV Golf: billionaires, private jets, beautiful tournaments and…The CW?

In one of the funniest announcements we’ve heard in recent memory, the Saudi-backed grime balls of professional golf announced Thursday that they (finally) have a TV rights agreement. An agreement that took so long because no one wanted to touch this league with a 10 foot sword, LIV is now partnered with the powerhouse TV station The CW.

That’s right…The CW. Don’t be ashamed, we had to double check that The CW was still a channel also. But it is, and it’s the new home of the bogey blood money league.

According to Variety, The CW is the 25th ranked TV station in the United States, only edged out by the major entertainment players at Me TV, INSP, and Ion, whoever the hell all of those channels are. Digging a little deeper, let’s look at the actual content The CW is pumping out with their year to year viewership changes from 2021-2022:

  • All American, -21.01%
  • All American: Homecoming, -5.19%
  • Walker, -17.05%
  • DC’s Stargirl (cancelled) -32.87%
  • Kung Fu, -17.19%
  • Coroner, -54.17%

This is when it all clicked. LIV is so dedicated to the game of golf, they want everything having to do with their league to match the game. This lead them to their perfect partner in The CW; they wanted to partner with a TV channel whose year to year ratings are extremely under par.

LIV’s new content brethren are showing some real solid golf scores that I’m sure they appreciate. Turns out while we’re all playing checkers, LIV’s playing chess.

NFL Coaches as Pizza Toppings

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Photo: Pinterest

In a world where no one can agree on anything, if there are two things we as Americans can get close to seeing eye to eye on is our love for pizza and football.

On Tuesday afternoon, Eagles coach Nick Sirianni brought these two magical worlds together with the below clip:

Millionaire NFL coaches…they’re just like us! Just a couple a coworkers getting together, flipping on the game, and firing up an order for some stuffed crust from the Hut.

Which of course begs the question…if each of the remaining coaches left in the NFL were pizza toppings, what would they be?

Nick Sirianni/Brian Daboll – Pepperoni & Sausage

Sirianni’s the pep, and Daboll is clearly the sausage in this scenario.

A good old fashioned NFC East matchup that we can rely on to fulfill our appetite for good playoff football.

Andy Reid/Doug Pederson – Cheeseburger & Kielbasa

Old buddies getting together when the Chiefs take on the Jags this weekend.

We all know Coach Reid loves his cheeseburgers, and Pederson just seems like a guy who likes to say “kielbasa” when he orders.

Mike McCarthy/Kyle Shanahan – Bacon & Arugula

It’s hard to find a pairing where both coaches seem to be at the total opposite ends of the spectrum. Well, here we are.

McCarthy seems like a guy to double or triple up the pig toppings, while Shanahan has big “let’s get some ‘za, but try and keep it as clean as possible” energy.

Zac Taylor/Sean McDermott – Garlic & Alfredo Sauce

While there is not one coach of color left in the playoffs, this is the whitest of the white we have left.

Bengals/Bills should be a fun game, but my god these two guys are translucent.

When You Think AFC Championship Game You Think Atlanta

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Photo: Mercedes Benz Stadium

If you’re not a Bengals, Jaguars, Chargers, Ravens, or Dolphins fan, odds are that you’re hoping to see the Bills and Chiefs play in the AFC Championship Game.

Mahomes v. Allen, Bills Mafia v. Chiefs Kingdom, McDermott vs. Big Red Andy Reid; this matchup would have the most storylines by far of any AFC pairing we as football fans could get for a shot to go to the Super Bowl.

Well, it appears if our collective dreams are answered, there’ll be one more: the game will be played in the most logical place of all, Atlanta.

Yes, beautiful Atlanta. The A. The Dirty. Home of the NFC South’s own Falcons who haven’t seen the playoffs in six years. Whose most memorable postseason is still meme’d to death almost a decade later.

There has to be one of the dozens of Falcon fans out there that really hopes this potential AFC Championship game being held in their stadium is going to brainwash the internet into forgetting that the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead against the Patriots. If you are that person and are reading this, please reach out to chris@untimeddown.com; I would love to speak with you and get inside your brain.

For now, let’s all enjoy Super Wild Card Weekend and root for the Dolphins not to pull the biggest upset in playoff history by beating the Bills on Saturday. Because if they do, all of this Atlanta mess will be for not and me writing and you reading this blog will have been a massive waste of time.

The Only National Championship Preview You Need

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Photo: Playoff Premium

Bulldogs…Horned Frogs…collision course.

Tonight’s the night, college football fans. We finally made it to the National Title between Georgia and TCU.

You can do all of the research you want; look up both team’s DVOA, OF+, BYOB, anything you want. You could drown yourself in numbers until you punch yourself in the eye and get a TCU colored purple eye and bleed Georgia red.

Or, you could just read our breakdown below.

Georgia Bulldogs

Look at him, just look at that face. Try and be sad looking at those jowls.

For those of you who live under a rock, this is Georgia’s mascot UGA.

UGA has been with the team since 1956, and there is no logical reason to explain how Georgia hasn’t won every single National Championship since then.

UGA is also a very good boy.

TCU Horned Frogs

This thing is a…horned frog.

We love weird here, and this creature to the right surely falls under that tree.

It’s hard not to imagine this thing being born like that scene in Game of Thrones when the Red Witch gave birth to a spirit or whatever.

Really hard to put these two up against one another.

On one hand, you have an adorable puppers who has never done anything wrong. On the other, you’ve got an atypical amphibian who has hypnotic powers. Truly impossible to choose.

Taking all of that into consideration, and allowing our research and analytics department run through the data provided; we’ve been told that it appears Georgia is going to win the National Championship.

Sunday State of Mind: January 2nd-January 8th

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Photo: Wallpaper Access

The NFL Playoffs are officially set. There were other sports happenings as well; and it’s all here in this week’s SSM.

Can only start in one place, and that’s Damar Hamlin
A terrible event to start, but something good begins
The response took our breaths away, honors and donations
It showed the power of kindness has no limitations

AFC and NFC, both top seeds are set
Philly and Kansas City, two offenses like jets
Both great quarterbacks, defenses are strong too
Chiefs would be and old story, but Eagles would be new

On the other end, those Chicago Bears
Worst team in the league, falling down the stairs
Took their 14th loss of the season on the chin
But got the number one pick, so kind of a win

Hottest team in the NBA, place your Finals bets
Won 13 of 14, those pesky Brooklyn Nets
The boys are on a roll more than halfway through the season
Surely no way anything will change, no way for no reason

The USMNT Enters Their Jerry Springer Era

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Photo: ussoccer.com

Alright, let’s see if we can get this straight.

Gregg Berhalter, seemingly former USMNT manager, did not play Gio Reyna during the World Cup. Pretty widely agreed this would have been helpful for the boys we were all rooting for last month.

Claudio Reyna, Gio Reyna’s father and member of three USMNT World Cup teams, was not happy about his son’s lack of playing time.

Turns out he was so pissed about it, that he leaked information about a 30-year old domestic dispute about Berhalter, who was also his former teammate on the USMNT.

Do we have that right?

This is not new in soccer. There have been examples on top of examples of organizational infighting within this sport all around the world.

Still though, it’s a gross subject matter, and it sucks that this is now the story surrounding the USMNT only a few weeks after what was widely seen as a positive World Cup result.

Once again, every time the world’s number one game has momentum to gain traction in the US, it seems like some goofy shit like this happens and loses all steam.