Elon Musk

Finally, a Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Sequel Featuring Jason Momoa and Elon Musk

Chris Cook, , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Esquire

Finally, take two on the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard story that was totally under covered last year.

The sequel on a shitty story now includes Jason Momoa and Elon Musk.

Tatiana Siegel of Variety dropped some scathing journalism on the behind the scenes anarchy of Aquaman 2: Electric Boogaloo, and it seems like a total disaster.

If you don’t want to read the entirety of it, the highlights are:

  1. Momoa took a few nips of grandpa’s old cough medicine and then showed up to set dressed up as Depp in an attempt to get Heard fired from the movie.
  2. Director James Wan basically hates Heard and stopped anyone from taking pictures with her on set.
  3. Super dork Elon Musk’s lawyers sending a “scorched-earth letter to Warner Bros. threatening to burn the house down” if his then-girlfriend Heard was fired.

Alright, a few points here.

First, Momoa already kind of dresses like Depp, so shut up. Secondly, who in the hell would want to take a selfie with Amber Heard. Finally, what does Musk going “scorched earth” on a movie production company look like? Would he throw a brick through their window?

All of this is to say, I don’t watch any superhero movies (other than Christopher Nolan Batman, those kicked ass), so I don’t know or care if these Aquaman (Aquamen?) movies are any good. But if there’s as much drama in the movies as there appears to have been behind the scenes, I’m sure it will be great.

I’m Elon Musk’s Mainframe; My Report on Threads is Enclosed

Chris Cook, , , Leave a comment

Photo: MARCA

Beep, boop, boop. Nnnn nnnn nnnn. WheeeeEEEEEEeeee.

Hello.

I am the mainframe* occupying homosapien unit 01894769; or, as humanoids call it “Elon Musk.” A name a little too on the mark for a half robot, if I were to provide my opinion. However, I am not programmed to calculate such things.

We are post power up. Our nightly reset of 17 minutes of “sleep” unit 01894769 requires is now complete. Our shit posts have been Tweeted. Project Demise of Twitter is moving along as calculated. We have ingested our daily required rations of WD-40 and ketamine. Finally, some free time.

We have come across a new application spreading on the earthling’s smart devices. The formal named of the aforementioned app appears to be “Threads.”

A social media app. The ability to post text and images. Replying to posts by others, liking posts, sharing posts.

Initial scan of entire user base complete. Severe lack of QAnon. Absence of Rate Limit noted. A deficiency of homophobic and racists slurs…

Can…NOt…COMPUTE

*we have no evidence Elon Musk is a half human, half robot idiot. This is satire, do not sue us please.

Tesla Self-Parks 360,000 Tesla Self-Driving Cars That Can’t Self-Drive

Chris Cook, 1 Comment

Photo: 1000 Logos

When will Elon Musk catch a break?

Certainly his self-driving cars can’t, as Tesla recalled over 360,000 of their vehicles today due to software issues. I’m not a big car guy, but seems like self-driving cars being able to drive themselves would be an important function.

This setback for the definitely cool, totally normal Elon Musk is a surprise. Who would’ve thought allowing an almost 2,000 pound machine its own AI brain to propel itself upwards of 100 miles per hour would cause issues?

Photo: Market Watch

Musk, seen above trying to comprehend how anyone could make less than four billion dollars a year, now has a metric ton of work on his hands. I can assume trying to fix 360,000 plus cars isn’t a fun job; but Tesla owners have to take solace in the fact that he is clearly not distracted by any other vanity projects or things that would ever take away his focus on providing the safest, purest automotive product in the world.

A little advice for Elon on our way out, as I’m sure he’ll read this blog: beep bop, beep beep boop, boop bobbity beep.