Patrick Reed

The Best Masters Preview You Will Ever Read

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Amazon

The fake bird chirps…the spray painted grass…The Masters.

The best weekend in golf is here, and so is our dumb preview.

Last year we were piiiiiiissed at the first and second round pairings. This year, much like Phil Mickelson, we’re so excited we can’t feel our face.

So let’s dive in to some notable playing groups we’ll see Thursday and Friday at Augusta.

10:06AM/1:12PM.: Patrick Cantlay, Min Woo Lee, Rickie Fowler: truly hope Min Woo and Rickie are in for the fastest round of their lives!

10:18AM/1:24PM: Hideki Matsuyama, Will Zalatoris, Justin Thomas: we will take any reason we can find to relive Hideki’s caddy bowing to the course.

10:30AM/1:36PM: Jon Rahm, Matt Fitzpatrick, Nick Dunlap: if Rahm plays poorly this week, he may just use his LIV money to buy and bulldoze Augusta.

10:42AM/1:48PM: Scottie Scheffler, Rory McIlroy, Xander Schauffele: Scottie’s on baby watch, if he wins this weekend you have to name that kid August, right?

10:54AM/2:00PM: Wyndham Clark, Viktor Hovland, Cameron Smith: this group is interesting because you have two incredibly rich sounding names and then a dude who might be the best of the three who looks like a cigarette butt.

11:42AM/8:36AM: Vijay Singh, Si Woo Kim, Emiliano Grillo: speaking of names, here we have the group with the widest gap between funnest names to say and most boring to watch.

12:48PM/9:36AM: Patrick Reed, Sungjae Im, Kurt Kitayama: despite Reed being the leader in career earnings by a long shot in this group, we would highly advise Sungjae and Kurt to keep a close eye on their wallets.

1:24PM/10:18AM: Tiger Woods, Jason Day, Max Homa: we’re not going to make the boring no sex joke about Tiger here…but honestly being around a couple hotties like Jason and Max for a few days might pop that chastity belt right off.

1:36PM/10:30AM: Brian Harman, Brooks Koepka, Tom Kim: if Brooks doesn’t make the cut he might be as wide eyed as Phil.

The Masters is the perfect comedown from March Madness, something the sports Gods give us every year to wean us off the hard stuff like a heroine detox center. But with all of these pairings, we’re ready to relapse.

A Farewell Letter to Bryson and Patrick

Chris Cook, , , Leave a comment
Photo: Sports Illustrated

Dearest Bryson and Patrick,

I cannot believe our time together is coming to an end. With your recently announced departure to The LIV Golf League; we wanted to compose a proper goodbye…this will be hard.

Bryson, how will we go on without your constant endearing chats with rules officials? That quintuple bogey at The Memorial in 2020 was so unfair! Hard to believe you were unjustly ruled against by one official, and when you asked a second official, he also ruled against you. How could that happen?!

Don’t even get us started on those life threatening ants at the WGC FedEx St. Jude Invitational, a mere two weeks later. You were so in the right pulling out Rule 16.2(a) from the USGA Rulebook: “a “dangerous animal condition” exists when a dangerous animal…near a ball could cause serious physical injury to the player if he or she had to play the ball as it lies.” Let he who could possibly manage hitting a golf ball with a few ants on the ground cast the first stone.

Patrick…sweet Patrick. Don’t we all love a perfect lie on our golf shots? That 2019 Hero World Challenge should have been a win, not a worthless third place finish, if not for the unjust cheating allegations. Listen, sand can move with a slight wind, or a club head, but mostly anything else. The fact that you were penalized two strokes for possibly improving your lie was cruel and inexcusable.

Or how about that 2021 Farmers Insurance Open? You may have picked up your ball to improve your lie, you may not have. Who knows? What does it really matter? You were blowing everyone out of the water anyways, we all knew you were going to win. Maybe it helped, maybe it didn’t. Those who think it did can suck an egg. You won that tournament fair and square.

So this is farewell to you two gentlemen of the game. We will miss you as we try to continue on without seeing you in PGA events. We know you will bring your dominance and mental toughness to The LIV. The mental ability to block accepting blood money and still be able to look yourselves in the mirror proves to all of us that you will be able to make this very worthwhile career move.

Give ’em hell, boys!