music

Filling Out Jim Irsay’s Dream Coaching Staff

Chris Cook, , , , , , 1 Comment

Photo: Colts.com

Say what you will about Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay…guy does it his way. After four plus seasons of 8,000 year old quarterbacks and a disappointing 3-5-1 start to the season, Frank Reich was fired as head coach of the Colts on Monday.

Anytime a midseason head coaching change happens, organizations are usually in turmoil, and a bedrock of sustainability become top priority to coach out the remainder of the season.

After five stellar seasons of coaching high school football, Jeff Saturday finally gets his shot.

That’s right, the current (former?) ESPN analyst is swapping out his tie for a whistle. Saturday will take over a bad team, rookie quarterback, and no offensive coordinator. Should be great!

While the Colts try and trudge their way through the rest of the season, we’ve tried to look inside Jim Irsay’s brain to see what his ideal coaching staff would look like around Coach Saturday.

Offensive Coordinator – Peyton Manning

I mean, this is a layup.

Of course this would be a perfect fit; fourteen seasons, a Super Bowl, and all of the Colts passing records.

Hiring The Sheriff would be, while a long shot, a slam dunk hire by Irsay.

Defensive Coordinator – Buddy Ryan

Ryan is known as one of the greatest defensive minds to ever coach in the NFL. Rex & Rob’s dad was a part of two Super Bowl winning defenses.

Even though Ryan crossed the proverbial rainbow bridge in 2016, there’s no doubt Irsay will reach out to gauge interest, if he hasn’t already.

Special Teams Coordinator – A Colts Colored Fender Stratocaster

If you’ve been around Mr. Irsay at all, you know he is a man of many vices.

As much as he loves his Colts, he may love music even more. This limited edition electric Stratocaster with maple fingerboard in Lake Placid Blue is as special as the unit it’d be coaching.

Strength Coach – Jim Irsay

Look at that hoss!

That’s is the kind of billionaire who isn’t afraid to get in there and mix it up with the boys. That weightlifting belt is on in the weight room and the boardroom.

Mr. Irsay? More like Mr. Universe!

Hiring Jeff Saturday with only high school coaching experience is just the beginning. The Indianapolis Colts have just started a revolution that will soon take over the NFL with a dynastic flare that will make the 2000’s Patriots look like…well the Colts do now.

May we all have the gusto to live as bravely as Jim Irsay.

The Aughts Hot or Not – OutKast “The Whole World”

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Photo: Amazon

After an extended sabbatical, The Aughts Hot or Not is back with the heat of 1,000 suns.

When it was time to fire up the AHN machine, we had to bring the goods. These guys are some of the most creative lyricists and performers of both the early aughts and today.

We’re talking the ATLiens, AKA Two Shades Deep, Big Boi and André 3000…that’s right, we’re reviewing OutKast’s 2001 hit “The Whole World.”

Music Video

OutKast has never been afraid to do something different. This music video lived up to that hype. If we were able to crawl inside the incredible minds of Big Boi and André 3000 we would guess they were thinking “sexy 1930’s carnival,” which is the most OutKast thing ever.

André 3000 starting with clown face paint that evolved into an Encanto character and early Justin Bieber hair (way before their time, these guys), Big Boi working one of those Bruce Buffer brick microphones that hangs down on a cord from the ceiling, and all of the scantily clad trapeze artists and women getting cut in half than you could shake a stick at. This video may have been the inspiration for the entire Stefon character on SNL.

Best Lyric

Hate, extreme prejudice, let’s dismiss this
If you want to, you can dub it to your hit list
I know you gon’ to, we in this to replenish yo’ musical wishlist
When it come to this music, we stay relentless
Pursuing all that’s persuable
Doing God’s willing, all things that are doable
The only liable limitation is yourself
Dre set it on the right and I’ll set it on the left ’cause

This is cheating because it’s Big Boi’s entire verse near the end of the song but…it’s my blog so who cares.

Just a classic silky smooth section of prose here. It’s really next level how many flowy rhymes they can fit into each line, almost like they build them on top of each other (ex: if you want to/I know you gon’ to) followed by the end of each line’s rhymes, which any schmuck can do (see our recurring Sunday State of Mind posts every Sunday!)

Worst Lyric

Glitter, glisten, gloss, floss
I catch a beat runnin’ like Randy Moss
Ride that bitch off like a brand new horse
I’m rollin’ my stones, gatherin’ no moss

This is actually from Killer Mike, who’s featured on the track, so the ATLiens aren’t even to blame here.

I am (shockingly) not a professional writer or lyricists, but you simply cannot rhyme “Moss” with “moss.” I will die on this hill. Especially on a feature with one of the greatest hip hop groups of all time. Using the same word is always a miss.

Rating

On top of my eternal admiration for OutKast, “The Whole World” won a 2002 Grammy Award for Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group. If that’s not enough to sway the vote, I don’t know what would be. This, like most of Big Boi and André 3000’s content, ranks up there for me.

Rating: 9 Carson Daly’s

Photo: USA Today

Britney’s Back, Bitch

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Photo: People

After a long and arduous Circus, Britney Spears is free. No need to rehash the entire, well-known story. But finally, Spears’ scumbag father Jamie announced that he will separate himself from her conservatorship.

So, Britney’s all on her own, a Brave New Girl. She said Gimme More liberty, and she got it. After all of her public meltdowns, her fanbase held strong after she asked them not to Hold It Against Me; a true homage to the amount of love people have for the Femme Fatale.


After becoming a music icon and catching so many breaks in the entertainment industry, Spears was not so Lucky in getting tricked into her conservatorship. Ronan Farrow did some excellent (as usual) journalism on the whole story, which can be found here.

Once Farrow’s story broke, it became well known that Britney’s Prerogative to get out of this horrible agreement as quickly as possible. She was Overprotected, and didn’t want any part of an incredibly Toxic scenario.

We hope this is the last we ever hear about this mess, and that Britney is able to live her life as she wants, ‘Til The World Ends.

The Aughts Hot or Not – Lil Wayne “Let the Beat Build”

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Photo: Amazon

The world changed for the better 13 years ago today. On June 10, 2008, “Tha Carter III” was released. Lil Wayne was at his absolute peak, and was the hottest thing going in Summer ’08. When TCIII came out, he went to a whole new level.

This album was packed front to back with bangers. Of course, “Lollipop” was and still is one of the most commercially popular hip hop songs of all time; but Weezy F didn’t just stop there. He also gave us “Mr. Carter,” “A Milli,” “Comfortable,” “Phone Home,” and “Shoot Me Down” all on one masterpiece album. He didn’t have to go that hard for us…but he did.

However, all of the above-mentioned songs, which unequivocally slap, pale in comparison to what I believe is not only the best song on TCIII…but Lil Wayne’s best offering of all time.

That’s right, in this round of “The Aughts Hot or Not,” we’re reviewing the 2008 hit “Let the Beat Build.”

Music Video

As we’ve done in past AHN’s, the music video review is a vital part in our final rating.

In what may be one of the worst crimes in the history of music, “Let the Beat Build” was actually not released as a single, and thus, has no music video to review.

In case you resided under a rock in Summer ’08, here’s the link to get you up to speed on this gem. If you’re familiar with our subject today, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you the song is NSFW.

Best Lyric

Believe that, like a true story
Rims big, make the car look like it’s two stories
If I hop out, that’d be suicide
No back seats, call that paralyze
I don’t have a spine, I don’t fantasize
I mastermind, then go after mine
You see I handle mine, I dismantle mine
I tote a tool box, bitch it’s hammer time

I mean, come on. Each line bleeding into the next without effort. The metaphors are perfect, rhyme scheme is flawless, just a stellar batch of lyrics that one would be hard pressed to find any fault.

Worst Lyric

That I am the best rapper alive
I am the best rapper alive
And I will eat you alive
Think I’m lyin’?

Fully aware that a very popular line throughout Lil Tunechi’s entire catalogue is some type of variant of being the best rapper alive; which was possibly true in the early aughts. However, just filling the entire bridge with this reocurring trope seemed a bit repetitive.

Rating

My entire Summer ’08 was pumping Lil Wayne’s Pandora streaming numbers. I can remember Natty Light case races with “Let the Beat Build” and the like as our soundtrack. This song was incredibly strong back then, and it still is now.

Rating: 10 Carson Daly’s

Photo: USA Today

What Better Time to Launch a Sports Blog than When Hardly Any Sports are Happening?

Chris Cook, , , , , , 3 Comments

Here goes nothin’.

What are we trying to do here? We’re trying to create content that will hopefully make you laugh, maybe make you think, and for sure make you call us out when we’re way off the mark or straight up wrong; which will 100% happen at some point.

We’re hoping to have a few recurring blog concepts, but otherwise going to try and keep this thing a fairly open playing field. A little more on that below.

What’s in a name? Untimed Down Sports.

In the greatest sport America has to offer (and that will likely will be outlawed in 20 years with continued CTE research), an untimed down happens in a football game when the clock hits 0:00 and a defensive penalty simultaneously occurs.

This unlikely scenario leads to an untimed down; a down with no time limits, and a play that any-god-damned thing can happen. That’s exactly what we’re shooting for here. We of course have “sports” in our title, but we’re not going to pigeon hole ourselves into only to area. We’re dumb, but not that dumb.

Pop culture, music, art, or the fact that koalas have fingerprints. We’re here for all of it, and we hope that you will be too.

Throw us a pity follow on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook as well as any feedback or ideas you might have. This thing could last a month or 50 years, who the hell knows.

Let’s go!