A Proper Farewell to Gronk

Photo: SB Nation

The end of an era. Actually, a second era after a retirement from the first era and a few years off to party, wrestle, and party some more.

The picture & intro above is the perfect tornado of anarchy that was/is Rob Gronkowski. One of, if not the greatest tight end of all time officially (maybe, probably?) called it a career on Tuesday.

After putting up Hall of Fame numbers in his nine years in New England, retirement one came in 2019 after winning his third Super Bowl ring. In a year that was surely full of self reflection, meditation, and inward study, we were without the polar bear in pads. But we weren’t without athletic Frankenstein’s Monster for long. A few years in Tampa Bay with one of his buddies tacked on another ring for shits and giggles.

Now comes what seems like the real end of the on field road for Gronk. Trying to picture what a structure free, commitment-less life is going to look like for this real life Ivan Drago is like trying to access the dark web; you could probably get there…but you might regret what you see.

Other than the normal beer crushing, hip gyrating, and tongue waggling, what else might there be? Hollywood could be a landing spot, but he’s already proven in those Subway commericials that he can’t remember his lines. What about the crypto game? Gronkcoin sounds like something that definitely wouldn’t tank. Stand up comedy? He would always be guaranteed at least one laugh, that being his own, which is a great laugh, by the way.

Whatever the guy wants to do, he’ll do, and he’ll probably be successful at it. So farewell to one of the greats. Thanks for the entertainment and for always being yourself in an industry that for some reason often shuns that behavior. As always, keep on party rockin’.

Time to Fix the Pro Bowl

Photo: @RapSheet on Twitter

This conversation is long overdue.

After years of useless, uninspired football the week before the Super Bowl, it appears the NFL is finally ready to put the kibosh on the Pro Bowl “game.”

Plenty of decent ideas have been proposed from people who know more about football than we ever will. Those are all good and dandy, but we need to think outside of the box here. The Pro Bowl has arrived at the same level of exciting as paying your phone bill because the crusty NFL won’t open their crotchety brains to some excitement.

But, if we are to believe the well-connected Ian Rapoport’s tweet, maybe things are changing. So I put my dumb brain to work as an unpaid consultant for the NFL to provide some golden alternatives that would be more exciting than their boring ass Pro Bowl game.

  • Closest to the pin
  • Ping Pong
  • Hot dog eating
  • Case race; beer of choice TBD
  • Bench press max out between each conferences kickers
  • Academic decathlon
  • Gardening; the most beautiful landscape wins
  • Post an Instagram story that’s more self absorbed than LeBron James’
  • Bet a significant amount of money on the Maple Leafs to win an elimination game
  • Revved up chain saws engulfed in flames juggling competition

I mean…that’s just 10 off the dome without any effort. If I can rattle off double-digit prime solutions without any effort, those fat cats at NFL HQ can figure out how to fix their Pro Bowl…unless they want to use any of my ideas, in which case I’m open to negotiate.

It Just Means More When Jimbo & Nick Get Pissy In Press Conferences

We’re playing the feud!

In the new age of NIL, it’s the wild west when it comes to NCAA “recruiting.” Money’s out in the open, and college prospects are finally getting what they deserve for the services rendered to their chosen university.

In the ultimate pot calling the kettle black move, two of the college football’s richest coaches from two of the richest universities are now pissing into the wind about it.

On Monday, Nick Saban launched a verbal grenade on the current state of recruiting, singling out ‘ol Jimbo and the boys down at Texas A&M:


Nicky…sweet sweet Nicky. It’s incredible that you can look yourself in the mirror after spewing that garbage. It’s all in the open now baby, just let it fly. We all know everyone’s been dropping bags on recruits for years, now it’s just legal. It’s not the fact that you did it, as everyone else does, it’s the “holier than thou” smear campaign that you never took part in it. Maybe not you directly but, you know what’s going on. We all do.

Jimbo put his big boy britches on in response to Saban; some of the highlights below:

Sheeeeeeeeeesh.

Both of these guys are acting like clowns, including Texas A&M saying Saban “violated SEC Sportsmanship Rules,” and guess what? It’s working. Football is king and the second NBA & NHL Playoffs pick up, baseball gets into the chunk of their season, and the PGA Championship is on, guess what we’re reading about? SEC drama baby.

Alabama and Texas A&M meet up on October 8th this year when the Aggies head down to Tuscaloosa. Probably have to tune in to that one.

Sunday State of Mind: April 25th-May 1st

Photo: CNN

A jam-packed sports schedule lends itself to a few reminders here and there. That’s what SSM is for, you’re welcome.

The picking of the prospects, the NFL Draft
Fans getting new players finding out how their roster’s staffed
Draft grades make no sense, have to give these guys some time
To see if they’ll be good or bad, substandard or sublime

Round two NBA Playoffs are starting today
Eight teams left, four East four West, still able to play
Injuries aplenty, still plenty guys to see
Best time of the year NBA fans will all agree

Major League Baseball dropped the damn hammer
Threw out pitcher Trevor Bauer in the baseball slammer
A two year suspension, for some bad off field stuff
Search it at your own risk, it is pretty rough

The UDS Draft of NFL Draft Names

Football is back, folks. Tonight, we get round one of the 2022 NFL Draft live from Las Vegas. Much like baseball season, the NFL Draft is always a sign of warmer weather and high hopes for fans league-wide.

With each announcement by human circus peanut Roger Goodell, a dream will be fulfilled for a young man who has worked his entire life to make it to the National Football League.

In terms of mock drafts, predictions, who picks who, I could give two shits. What I care about are the amazing names themselves. With that in mind, it’s time to draft our top 10 names likely to be selected this weekend:

10. Sterling Weatherford, S, Miami (OH): this guy sounds more like a British meteorologist than a football player.
9. Isaiah Likely, TE, Coastal Carolina: any name that can easily turn into a full sentence is a winner.
8. Brock Purdy, QB, Iowa State: have to hope this guy gets drafted to a team in the south, the ad deals basically write themselves.
7. Bailey Zappe, QB, Western Kentucky: maybe the second best QB name since Gunner Kiel.
6. Breece Hall, RB, Iowa State: always love a good prospect with some unknowns…was his name supposed to be Brice? Reece? No one knows!
5. Decobie Durant, CB, South Carolina State: this guy was so close to being named after two of the greatest basketball players ever.
4. Coby Bryant, CB, Cincinnati: not exactly but…close.
3. Smoke Monday, S, Auburn: all-time nickname, this is a no brainer.
2. Snoop Conner, RB, Ole Miss: honestly this is interchangeable with Smoke Monday.
1. Sauce Gardner, CB, Cincinnati: this was as sure fire of a number one pick as Andrew Luck.

Good luck to all of the draftee’s this weekend. May none of you get selected by the Jaguars.

Sunday State of Mind: April 18th-April 24th

Another week come and gone, another Sunday State of Mind.

An always touching tribute, a statue was revealed
This week in Oklahoma this one should have stayed concealed
Poor Baker Mayfield, guy can’t catch a break
If I were him that statue would have ended up in a lake

Big loss in Chicago, Eloy Jimenez
Out for up to two months, so the doctor says
Add another name to the White Sox injury list
Tough break for a good team, that bat will be missed

A happier baseball note, it’s Miguel Cabrera
Joined the 3k hit club, maybe the last in this era
Only 32 other players have reached that career mark
Miggy one of the greatest to do it at the ballpark

NBA playoffs are here, and some teams are in trouble
Raptors, Bulls, Nets and Nuggets are all on the bubble
Mavs and Jazz, Grizz and Wolves both sitting at 2-2
We get action everyday as the games continue

If you’ve ever read this blog, you know we love NASCAR
Driving for 500 miles but not going far
The most famous track in all of motor sports
The Talladega Speedway, running today of course

Calvin Ridley Even Tweets Like a Bettor

The house always wins.

Some wild news dropped late Monday from the NFL; the league released a memo in which they announced a minimum yearlong suspension for Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Calvin Ridley for betting on games last season.

Ridley had been on leave from the team while the alleged betting took place, so there’s not a whole lot in terms of him receiving inside information or having any distinct advantage. Even still, this is a huge no no for an active player to bet on a game in any league. We all know how Pete Rose has been blackballed from the baseball Hall of Fame for his wagering history. Ridley, of course, is not exactly at the level Rose was, but still a major infraction.

If anyone payed an ounce of attention to Ridley’s Twitter account, we could have seen this coming. The guy tweets like all of us regular schmucks who love gambling but have no idea what we’re doing.

Everyday gamblers can feel the highs and lows of Ridley’s betslip with each tweet:


We’ve all felt this. When you’re in such a bad slump, all you can do is laugh. Show me a bettor who’s gone 0 for his last 6 and I’ll show you the human embodiment of the laughing crying emoji, usually paired with an “I mean, all you can do is laugh at this point” as a cherry on top.

If you’ve gambled for any amount of time or been around those that have, you know that everyone has their own rules. I, for example, “never” bet on my favorite teams. Additionally, if you’ve gambled for any amount of time or been around those that have, you know these rules are always broken. We all say we learn from our Ls, Calvin; but how am I supposed stay away when Iowa’s getting 5.5 at home against Michigan State?!

Gambling responsibly is key. If you choose to dabble, please do so within your means. When you’re not seeing the board as well as you’d like, walk away. You’ll feel better and your account will remain fuller. But you’ve got to have the confidence to know you’re going to be a better gambler when you decide to jump back into the pool.

According to his Twitter account, Ridley claims he only bet $1,500. Plenty of money for a lot of us, but when your career earnings are a shade over $11 million, maybe not the biggest concern. Adam Schefter reported that Ridley “placed multi-legged parlay bets involving 3, 5 and 8 games that included the Falcons to win.”

If that’s indeed the case and he walked away after doing so, vaya con dios…and never bet on the Falcons again.

Sunday State of Mind: February 28th-March 6th

It’s Sunday, there were sports this week, and we’re in a certain State of Mind.

A special week in Indy, the NFL Combine
A chance for NFL prospects to jump, run, and shine
Some major workout numbers, athletic freaks galore
NFL coaches and GMs jaws dropping to the floor

Surprise news out of Dallas about one of their best
Amari Cooper likely gone, Cowboys fans must be stressed
The wideout’s too expensive for Jerry Jones’ liking
So now their number one receiver will be gone, sent hiking

Still in a holding pattern in the MLB
The lockout continues as both sides will not agree
On a new CBA, games continue to be lost
The longer this goes on, more baseball games get tossed

We talked last week about big scores in the NBA
Repeating this week, Jayson Tatum and LBJ
JT scored 54 tonight, Bron 56 on Saturday
Defenses sat on the sideline and watched the big dogs play

We’ve got our first few tickets punched in the NCAA
March Madness is so close, let’s get this underway
Murray State, Longwood, and Loyola Chicago
You know what that means; Sister Jean’s ready to roll!

The Definitive Ranking of Today’s Official Announcements

Photos: Fansided & WLRN

There’s nothing that says “Monday” more than long, useless memos.

On this Monday, Kyler Murray and Derek Jeter decided to push more paper onto the Arizona Cardinals and Miami Marlins staffs:

Since no one wants to read anything as long as the above-mentioned official corporate memorandums; we decided to do the work for you. Essentially, Murray wants more money and Jeter is out ASAP. Kyler’s statement is comically long, and Jeter’s is almost annoyingly short for such a large member/investor of a team leaving immediately.

We hope KM gets his money and Jeets finally catches a break in life in his post-Marlins tenure. But we’re here as the end all be all rankers of these two very important statements. Please find our extensively researched, categorically honest rankings below:

2 – Derek Jeter’s “Peace I’m Outta Here” Letter

Much like Jeter’s playing career, this was (literally) a black and white, plain Jane, professional statement. Just like he handled the media while with the Yankees, it was a large collection of words that didn’t really say anything.

After a few truths stretched (e.g., “we transformed every aspect of the franchise”) and a yawn or two incurred, a tsunami of drowsiness washed over me while reading. The former CEO’s statement came out as flat as the energy at loanDepot Park during Marlins home games.

As great of a defensive shortstop as Jeter was, he’s an even better defender of being or saying anything interesting.

1 – Kyler Murray’s “It’s Not Me, It’s You” Letter

This thing was a superb mess. Scrubbing your social media of anything relating to your team one week, and releasing this manifesto saying you need more from them the next is an all time power move. While we’ve all seen the “it’s not you, it’s me” checkers move played either to us or to someone we know, Kyler and his agent Erik Burkhardt are playing chess by flipping that bad boy right on its head.

Before so graciously looping in his teammates and coaches, Kyler noted how proud he is of the “extreme turnaround of competitiveness and success since his arrival,” after being “tasked with stepping into a tough situation” in Arizona. Translation: you guys blew before I got here, now pay up. Also, the shade thrown in reminding the Cardinals that he thinks he’s the guy to “deliver the valley their first Super Bowl in 33+ years” was a real *chef’s kiss* in this tour de force.

The finale though, the pie de resistance if you will, is the ending. The 24 year old quarterback told the team that drafted him number one overall in 2019 to shit or get off the pot when it comes to giving him a new contract, while referring to himself as a “rapidly improving…already 2x Pro Bowl QB.” Just an all-time self-confident sign off that I wish I had an ounce of in my personal life.

A few big statements from the MLB and NFL today. Appropriately, one was as boring as a four hour baseball game. The other had the fireworks of a regular season NFL game that America cannot get enough of. You know where we stand.

Another Failed Shot: This Time at Love

Photo: People

Mere hours after Valentines Day, terrible news coming out of the world of love.

According to Buzzfeed/the entire internet, Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley have called of their engagement:


Total annihilation of the heart. Woodley indicated that Rodgers was too football-focused to be committed to their relationship. Now whether that’s a Big Little Lie or not, we may never know. All we can ascertain at this point is that she has become Divergent of the relationship with the Packers quarterback. We aren’t here to put The Fault on either of these Stars.

Rodgers, one of the best to ever do it, has seen this play out before. It, of course, being losing family. The reigning NFL MVP will now get a Discount Double Check on meals as he’ll no longer be paying for two. After today’s excruciating news, Rodgers will not be adding a wedding ring to his one Super Bowl ring; and has been immunized from being in a relationship.

With the status of his engagement no longer in Jeopardy, will the NFL’s Most Valuable Player commit to another year of football? Only time will tell.