entertainment

¡Dalé! Pitbull is Finally Getting His Own Stadium

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Photo: Entertainment Weekly

Pitbull is not only one of our most beloved international entertainers, but now the namesake of Florida International University’s football stadium.

That’s right, this fall the Panthers will welcome visitors (if they’re brave enough), into Pitbull Stadium. Mr. 305 will loom larger than ever when Central Michigan comes to town for the home opener on September 7th. Those poor Chippewas won’t have any idea what hit ’em.

But why stop at stadium naming rights for Mr. Worldwide? Why not make FIU home games a complete immersive experience?

There’s some easy wins here: Fireball shots are an automatic addition to concession stands. Wins (which, after this deal, there will be many) for FIU can be accompanied by “Don’t Stop the Party,” etc.

But how can we really take this thing to the next level, as Pitbull would expect all of us to do?

A lot of local Miami teams wisely try to keep their game day experiences in alignment with their vibrant portion of the country, and FIU should be no different. When the Panthers get a first down? Have to play “Moviendolo” when the chain gang does their job. An opposing player gets hurt? “No Lo Trates.” When that dominating Panther defense takes the field? “Ni Rosas Ni Juguetes.“

These are all just off the top of the dome…just like the shiny, bald dome of our Lord and Savior Mr. 305. There has to be thousands of more opportunities for both Pitbull and FIU to take this partnership to the moon. Consider us FIU Panther fans henceforth.

Paws up!

Snoop Dogg No Longer Wants the Smoke

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Photo: @SnoopDogg on Twitter

Snoop Dogg has dusted his last blunt.

In an Earth-shattering announcement on Thursday, The D-O-Double G has officially announced he has “decided to give up smoke.”

The Doggfather has requested his privacy at this time. Although I’m 100% sure I’d get a direct response, in honor of his wishes, I did not reach out to Mr. Dogg for comment.

Will the world ever be the same? Snoop and weed have become so intertwined throughout his career, it’s hard to figure out where we we go from here.

What’s next?

Peanut butter giving up jelly? Cars protesting wheels? Football quitting on gifting its players CTE?

I think our friends at FanDuel and Draft Kings would be smart to set the futures market on how long this giving up of smoke will last; let us never forget the 2013 reign of Snoop Lion. If I were a wise guy in Vegas, I would set the O/U at 3.5 months.

Finally, a Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Sequel Featuring Jason Momoa and Elon Musk

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Photo: Esquire

Finally, take two on the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard story that was totally under covered last year.

The sequel on a shitty story now includes Jason Momoa and Elon Musk.

Tatiana Siegel of Variety dropped some scathing journalism on the behind the scenes anarchy of Aquaman 2: Electric Boogaloo, and it seems like a total disaster.

If you don’t want to read the entirety of it, the highlights are:

  1. Momoa took a few nips of grandpa’s old cough medicine and then showed up to set dressed up as Depp in an attempt to get Heard fired from the movie.
  2. Director James Wan basically hates Heard and stopped anyone from taking pictures with her on set.
  3. Super dork Elon Musk’s lawyers sending a “scorched-earth letter to Warner Bros. threatening to burn the house down” if his then-girlfriend Heard was fired.

Alright, a few points here.

First, Momoa already kind of dresses like Depp, so shut up. Secondly, who in the hell would want to take a selfie with Amber Heard. Finally, what does Musk going “scorched earth” on a movie production company look like? Would he throw a brick through their window?

All of this is to say, I don’t watch any superhero movies (other than Christopher Nolan Batman, those kicked ass), so I don’t know or care if these Aquaman (Aquamen?) movies are any good. But if there’s as much drama in the movies as there appears to have been behind the scenes, I’m sure it will be great.

1989 (Sports Version)

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Photo: TMZ

Unless you live under a rock under a mega yacht under a skyscraper, you know Taylor Swift announced 1989 (Taylor’s Version) is on the way.

T-Swift, as her friends call her, is well known for the Easter eggs she loves to drop. With that in mind, what sports takes from the soon to be re-released song titles is Taylor giving us?

All You Had to Do Was Stay

Is TS taking the side of Bill Belichick in the Tom Brady divorce? We all had an opinion of who was right and wrong here, she does too.

TB12 went on to win a Super Bowl without BB, but it sounds like TS wanted TB and BB to be together forever…can’t blame her for believing in love, folks.

Wildest Dreams

One of the greatest sports photos of all-time; Muhammad Ali (then still Cassius Clay) upset Sonny Liston as a 8-1 underdog.

A fine tribute by one of today’s biggest entertainers to one of the most polarizing athletes and performers in history.

Bad Blood

Who doesn’t remember the Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton story?

A nice throwback by Tay Tay to teammates casually pulling loaded guns on each other in the actual locker room.

Blank Space

Taylor’s pretty New York adjacent; and for her to take the time to write and dedicate an entire song to former Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning’s face is a touching tribute.

Out of the Woods

In 2016, the Chicago Cubs broke their 108 year World Series drought lead by Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, and Jon Lester, among others.

Even if the team has mostly been disbanded at this point, they brought generations of fans and an entire franchise out of the woods.

If we’ve learned anything, it’s that sports and entertainment are forever intertwined. It’s no surprise that one of the largest names in modern entertainment has so many blatant sports takes that are totally correct and in no way made up for blogging purposes.

It’s Barbenheimer Day Bitches

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Photo: ArtStation

Peanut butter and jelly, Romeo and Juliet…Barbie and Oppenheimer.

Today is the day, cinephiles. Blond bombshells and literal bombs are on the menu for one of the weirdest simultaneous theatre releases we’ve ever had.

We’ve got a WWE style super tag team match with some major star power between the two films:

Margot Robbie
Ryan Gosling
Issa Rae
Will Ferrell
Kate McKinnon
America Ferrera

Cillian Murphy
Emily Blunt
Matt Damon
Robert Downey Jr.
Florence Pugh
Rami Malek

I have to be honest…I think I’m taking Team Barbie here. Ferrell’s a little bit over the hill, but overall they’ve got a massive age and energy advantage over Team Oppie. Murphy, Damon, Downey, and Malek are averaging about 50 years old per actor. Robbie and Gosling are taking major advantage there.

We’re probably looking at an even draw between McKinnon/Ferrera and Blunt/Pugh, which gives Rae the opening to put the finishing move off the top rope to take this dumb hypothetical match home.

Both movies should be great, hopefully this kills some time in the theatre so you don’t finish your popcorn before the previews start.

Ryan Seacrest is Stealing All of Our Jobs

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Photo: Daily Beast

Ryan Seacrest is a menace to the American worker.

On Tuesday, the producer/host/philanthropist/media personality/talking person announced yet another job he’s adding to his long list of occupations:

That’s right; another job opening? Seacrest is in.

Pat Sajak is riding into the fake-tanned sunset and leaving sweet, sweet Vanna White to Seacrest’s (job) grabby hands. After a 41 year run, Sajak is hanging up his microphone as host of Wheel of Fortune to Seacrest’s delight. Apparently, one man’s retirement is another man’s 176th job opportunity.

When are we going to have our shot at the proverbial Wheel? Where does it stop for this guy?

Aaron Rodgers probably doesn’t have more than three, four years left in the NFL, right? Seacrest will learn the playbook tomorrow.

I’ve had a sore throat for a days. Can I skip calling my ENT and just ask Seacrest to check me out? Sure he would.

We’ve got an election coming right around the corner…no question Seacrest is thinking of entering the race as a third party candidate and taking on running the country. Why not?

This man has a sick need to take all of our jobs, and we need to stop him before we become the United Seacrest of America.

What Should Shannon Sharpe Do Post Skip Bayless?

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Photo: Awful Announcing

Shannon Sharpe and Skip Bayless are headed towards their inevitable divorce.

Fox Sports announced this week that Sharpe would be leaving the daily two and a half hour yelling fest after the NBA Finals. Sharpe’s ears and vocal chords could not be reached for comment, but released a statement saying they are looking forward to some R&R.

So, what options does Sharpe have for his immediate future now that he’s leaving Bayless all alone in the Fox Sports studios in LA?

Most likely, we’re looking at a move to another network or continuing his podcast. Sharpe previously worked for CBS before hopping over to Fox, so a potential reunion there. Maybe ESPN, who knows. A lot of options out there in the content game.

Coaching is always a possibility. Sharpe had a Hall of Fame career with the Broncos and Ravens, so he knows a thing or two about a thing or two about football.

Sharpe is absolutely ripped, like shredded from marble. Why not look into the security industry? Uncle Shannon rides as hard as anyone for LeBron James. A guy like James can always use protection; it may be a perfect fit for an absolutely jacked retired athlete with some free time on his hands. He also basically already applied for the job.

Finally, Sharpe could get daily colonoscopies for medical research. This would be a fine option, due to the fact that it could help scientific research and sounds more enjoyable than spending 12.5 hours with Skip Bayless every week.