HBO

Hey NFL, Cut the Shit

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Photo: Biggest Decal Shop

Despite all of us knowing 99% of it, the NFL schedule release is technically tonight.

The National Football League continues to give us fans a breadcrumb here, a flirty tweet there, just knowing we’ll lap everything up like a dog at its bowl after a long walk.

Well, we’ve had enough.

No issues making a huge deal out of the schedule release. But stop with the single game releases a week in advance. The London games are fine, just don’t dedicate an entire day to just telling us who’s playing there. I swear, we’ll all be just as excited for Bengals/Chiefs week one if you release it with the other 17 weeks all at the same time.

Also, we’re now getting an “offseason” version of Hard Knocks with the Giants. Do we really need to know what Daniel Jones is doing in early June? HBO usually knows what it’s doing with their programming, but Brian Daboll renewing his car registration might not be must see TV.

We were in a real groove, NFL. Just give us one schedule release, one Hard Knocks, one simplified plan where we all can keep up with what you already know we’re going to gobble up.

While we’re at it, just tell us who Tom Brady’s signing with for a playoff run this year.

Hey HBO, Here’s Your Hard Knocks Episode One Script

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Photo: AM NY

The NFL and HBO announced today that Aaron Rodgers and the New York Jets will be the subject of this year’s Hard Knocks.

As we are always ready to sell out; we wrote the entire script for episode one, and are publishing a few crumbs of our soon-to-be award winning writing to sell to HBO.

Hard Knocks: New York Jets, Episode 1

“Endless Possibilities”

Written By:

Chris Cook

FADE IN.

INT: drone shot of New York Jets practice field. Perfectly aligned pads set for individual player drills. A sprinkler ticks in the background. Cut to Head Coach Robert Saleh, sitting in his office twirling a pen, in the middle of a coaches meeting.

ROBERT SALEH
You guys see 12 out at that conference in Denver? What was it, a psychedelics thing?

Montage of multicolored flashes, “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd begins to play. Slow motion clips of Aaron Rodgers smiling and running his hand through his long, flowing hair.

DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
Yeah, yeah. That was…somethin’, huh?

SALEH
Hey man, guy must be doing something right, ya know? Couple of MVPs and a Lombardi Trophy don’t lie.

“Hard Knocks” theme music begins. Montage of Jets players running drills, scrimmaging, and working out in the weight room accompanies.

VOICE OVER
Aaron Rodgers has done a lot in his life, on and off the field. The former Packers quarterback used to avoid the “Purple Haze” of the Vikings and other teams in the NFC North; now the Jets quarterback, his next trip will be to get Gang Green high in the AFC East standings.

Ball’s in your court, HBO…we won’t consider any offer that doesn’t include six zeros.

HBO Max is Now Just Max and We Need Shorter Names Everywhere

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Photo: Today

Big day in entertainment, as a ground breaking change in the streaming world commenced.

HBO Max is now Max…deal with it losers.

The old app is out, the new app is in. That’s right, we all have to download a completely new app, remember our passwords, and do the annoying thing where we have to type on the screen and it takes an hour to enter “Password123.”

As annoying as corporations taking over entertainment is, it’s unfortunately part of the game…there’s an entire writer’s strike raging right now because of this tom-foolery. There’s 1,000 things that happened that lead to this that you can read up on/we won’t rehash here, but the HBO Max to Max transition is just another atrocious incident we as customers have to deal with.

But this name change, as dumb and uncreative it is, got the wheels turning. What other names in sports and entertainment can CEO’s simultaneously shorten and ruin?

In the NFL, how about a name change for Michael Vick’s former employers to the Atlanta Cons? Could the new Monsters of the Midway could be the new Chicago Ears? What about Kirk Cousins becoming the quarterback for the Minnesota Kings?

The NBA is wrought for awful name changes as well. Ja Morant’s team could take on the role of the most untruthful team in the league with a rebranding to the Memphis Lies. Jimmy Butler and the boys could become food critics as the Miami Eat. Former number one pick Zion Williamson’s guys should take on the personality of most positive team as the New Orleans Cans.

If people hate the MLB’s new rules, they’d surely love these team name changes; Miguel Cabrera’s squad could keep the same idea of their mascot, but make an alteration to the Detroit Gers. The worst team in baseball that isn’t from Oakland could move south and become the Kansas City Yals. Finally, and most obviously, that cheater Carlos Correa and co. should really lose one letter and rename themselves the Minnesota Wins.

Honestly, we shouldn’t be publishing the blog. These ideas are so golden and should be used; but for some reason the NFL, NBA, and MLB won’t meet with us…their loss.

Sunday State of Mind: August 9th-August 15th

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Photo: Wallpaper Safari

Sunday, we meet again. The only thing better about the week that was in sports is recapping it, which we do in this week’s SSM.

NFL preseason, everyone’s in play
Learning all their playbooks, skills are in display
Big time rookie quarterbacks getting their first action
Lawrence, Fields, Wilson and more getting their NFL traction

Football coming back also means we get Hard Knocks
We’re talking real football here, not Madden on Xbox
Jerry Jones being weird, salting his McGriddle
Lots of people hate the ‘boys, Hard Knocks might help a little?

No hitters seem to be getting old in the MLB
Story changes a little bit when it is a rookie
Tyler Gilbert threw a no-no in his first start
Guy came out as Target, thought he was more Wal-Mart