Dallas Cowboys

The NFL Went Banana Sandwich on This Schedule Release

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Photo: YouTube

Those crazy bastards at NFL HQ have done it again.

The 2023 schedule release has been dropped, and there are some absolute bangers we’re in for next season.

After crunching the numbers and reviewing the entire history of NFL schedule releases, we are flabbergasted at how the NFL came up with some of these matchups.

Patriots vs. Jets – Week 3

I mean, holy shit. This is insane!

The New England Patriots and New York Jets. So much history between coaches, players, and regional hate.

Two franchises that have both had Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick as head coaches at one point in time.

The fact that those crazy fucks from the NFL came up with this matchup is borderline psychotic.


Ravens vs. Steelers – Week 5

You didn’t think the NFL would be this maniacal? You’re wrong, jabroni. These schedule makers are sadistic AF.

You really throw the record book out when these two teams get together. The fact that it happens so rarely makes it even better when we get this clash.

The uniform combos are pure, the defenses are always tough, and we are shook that we get to see these two light it up next year.


Cowboys vs. Eagles – Week 14

They can’t really get away with this, can they?

These NFL schedule makers are just going to schedule Bears/Packers and act like they just didn’t pull of a miracle?!

Both of these teams are loaded with talent. This matchup may just be decided by who’s fanbase can be more unbearable by the fourth quarter, when it counts.


Bears vs. Packers – Week 1


Light me on fire, slap me in the face, and throw me over a cliff, this matchup is deranged.

The Packers have had some serious playoff woes, coming off another first round exit last season.

In fact, Green Bay has lost nine postseason matchups since 2011 (the Bears losing only twice in that span), but this early season matchup may set the tone for both of these franchise’s 2023-2024 seasons.


At this point, the NFL schedule reveal is overwhelming. They’re just pounding us over the head with wackadoodle pairings that I’m not sure we as football fans deserve, nor will be able to handle. The NFL is king, and they proved it once again today.

Sunday State of Mind: March 13th-March 19th

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Photo: National Geographic

We all know March Madness is a circus as usual…but what else happened this week? SSM is here to tell ya.

The World Baseball Classic, still going on
Trea Turner hit a grand slam, going going gone
USA, Cuba, Mexico and Japan
Are the Final Four, who will be greater than?

Couple big NFL deals, other than the Jets
Zeke no longer a Cowboy, Brandin Cooks their new bet
Laremy Tunsil got the bag, so did Orlando Brown
NFL, it never stops, in the news year round

We’ve covered them before, said they’re really fun
That was early season though, maybe we jumped the gun
Turns out we were right though, high praise we still will sing
First time in 16 seasons, a winning record for the Kings

Sunday State of Mind: January 16th-January 22nd

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Photo: Good Fon

Chiefs, Eagles, Bengals, 49ers win; Jaguars, Giants, Bills, and Cowboys lose. SSM reviews the NFL Divisional Round.

Started out in KC, a scary injury
Mahomes got folded up weird, seemed to hurt his knee
It was a ankle sprain, says he’ll play next week
Jags lost to the Chiefs but their future isn’t bleak

One blowout this weekend, an NFC East bout
Eagles railed the Giants, really left no doubt
Danny Dimes was bad, Jalen Hurts was good
The one seed in the NFC playing just like they should

Bengals and the Bills, snow globe in Buffalo
One QB was on his game and that was Joe Burrow
A rematch with the Chiefs for a trip to Arizona
Talking grad school NFL, winner gets a diploma

An all-time uni matchup, 49ers and Cowboys
Brock Purdy did it again with his offense full of toys
Next one on the docket, big one against the Eagles
Football was so good this weekend it should be illegal

NFL Coaches as Pizza Toppings

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Photo: Pinterest

In a world where no one can agree on anything, if there are two things we as Americans can get close to seeing eye to eye on is our love for pizza and football.

On Tuesday afternoon, Eagles coach Nick Sirianni brought these two magical worlds together with the below clip:

Millionaire NFL coaches…they’re just like us! Just a couple a coworkers getting together, flipping on the game, and firing up an order for some stuffed crust from the Hut.

Which of course begs the question…if each of the remaining coaches left in the NFL were pizza toppings, what would they be?

Nick Sirianni/Brian Daboll – Pepperoni & Sausage

Sirianni’s the pep, and Daboll is clearly the sausage in this scenario.

A good old fashioned NFC East matchup that we can rely on to fulfill our appetite for good playoff football.

Andy Reid/Doug Pederson – Cheeseburger & Kielbasa

Old buddies getting together when the Chiefs take on the Jags this weekend.

We all know Coach Reid loves his cheeseburgers, and Pederson just seems like a guy who likes to say “kielbasa” when he orders.

Mike McCarthy/Kyle Shanahan – Bacon & Arugula

It’s hard to find a pairing where both coaches seem to be at the total opposite ends of the spectrum. Well, here we are.

McCarthy seems like a guy to double or triple up the pig toppings, while Shanahan has big “let’s get some ‘za, but try and keep it as clean as possible” energy.

Zac Taylor/Sean McDermott – Garlic & Alfredo Sauce

While there is not one coach of color left in the playoffs, this is the whitest of the white we have left.

Bengals/Bills should be a fun game, but my god these two guys are translucent.

Sunday State of Mind: November 14th-November 20th

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Photo: Wallpaper Crafter

It’s a cold hard fact that the sports week is coming to an end. We review in this week’s SSM.

Let’s start with the world’s game, AKA jogo bonito
The World Cup is finally back, a fact you cannot veto
Always great to see the best footballers, smooth like butter
The only question left; do you say it Qatar or Qatar?

Cowboys and the Vikings, game of the week potential
Result of this game is without question consequential
Thought it would be a good one, battle of some studs
Cowboys blew them out, Vikings may be duds

Patriots and Jets, setting football back
Decades with this one, neither team on track
Pats won on a walk off, a punt return touchdown
Jets punted 10 times, offense full of clowns

It is time we talk about the best NBA team
These guys just come out every night with a head full of steam
They’ve won six straight, are very hot, doing some crazy things
Our current favorite team is the Sacramento Kings

A brutal crash and burn for Tennessee football
Big tumble for a team that was just standing so tall
Lost their starting quarterback, and the game by 25
Any playoff chances for them are no longer alive

It Gets Better, Laker Fans

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Photo: The Spun

Laker fans…we’re here to help.

As LeBron, AD, and the boys fell to 0-4 on Wednesday night in Denver, we knew you would need us. It’s low right now, we won’t lie. Times are tough. But you know what, you can’t have sunshine without a little rain, right?

Who cares if you’ve lost three of four by 11+ point margins, that you’re second to last and last in three point and shooting percentage, respectively, or that you have one of the most unhappy superstars of all time in a bench role he hates?

You know what, things can only go up from here, right?!

…right?

Hey, your Cowboys are looking decent! Cooper Rush really held down the fort while Dak Prescott was injured. Number four came back and looked OK against the Lions, that’s always great. Don’t even worry about the fact that they’ve only won three playoff games since 1998. You’ve got Micah Parsons!

How could we forget about your Yankees? Season just ended, understood. But Aaron Judge took all of baseball on a hell of a ride to only come up 11 home runs short of Barry Bonds. Something none of us will soon forget. You have to love the “World Series or bust” attitude…even if you’ve only won one in the last 21 years. It’s still a great feat!

Well, hopefully this helps. Lakers fans, you are some of the best and most dedicated in all of sports. I’m sure this season will turn around eventually. LeBron will right the ship, Russell will get shipped, and it’ll be back to The Lake Show in no time.

…right?

Sunday State of Mind: September 5th-September 11th

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Photo: Dreamstime

We continue a longstanding tradition here at UDS by dedicating an entire SSM to Week One NFL action.

Big start on Thursday night, Rams and the Bills
Pregame program was legit, full of fluff and frills
The game was in LA, but plenty Bills fans there
Josh Allen and the boys came out and won the game with flair

Sunday start in the dirty, Falcons and the Saints
Start of football season, we have no complaints
Something so familiar, Falcons had an early lead
They coughed it up and lost, almost guaranteed

Browns and the Panthers, Baker revenge bowl
He wanted to win this game with his entire soul
Browns came out and played, got a surprising win
Panthers almost came back, there’s a positive spin

The San Francisco 49ers are used to good weather
The conditions in Chicago, they were different all together
It rained and rained and rained some more, really came down strong
A nice win for the Bears in a season that might be long

Steelers and the Bengals, an AFC North tilt
Bengals came in walking tall, like a man on stilts
Five turnovers for Joe Burrow, not like him at all
Even so, we had OT, but the Bengals did fall

Eagles and the Lions, closer than we expected!
Coming into the day, thought this game would be neglected
Lions got down early, then almost came back
Lot of money on the Eagles, banks almost attacked

Texans and the Colts, folks we have a tie
Same score in regulation, OT, and then the game died
Feels like a win for Houston, Indy can not be psyched
Have to think a blowout win is what they would’ve liked

Patriots and Dolphins, Miami’s brand new look
Mike McDaniel’s offense had Bill Belichick’s D shook
Tua looked OK, Tyreek and Waddle balled
Dolphin fans ecstatic, Pats fans are appalled

Ravens and the Jets, Flacco revenge game
Cool Joe did play pretty well, can’t give him much blame
Lamar Jackson’s on a mission, wants to get that big money
Three touchdowns and Ravens win, L-Jack sweet as honey

Jags and the Commanders, this game just seemed weird
First game for Carson Wentz in DC, brought his big red beard
Jaguars were close to grabbing a week one win
At least until week two for victories to begin

Giants and the Titans, King Henry and Saquon
The Titan bruised along, Giant looked like a swan
Another crazy comeback, as New York did their job
Titans played tough in the first half, but ended like slobs

Cardinals and the Chiefs, and a new look KC
Went to Arizona, first opportunity
To see if they still had it after losing some big stars
Five tuddy’s for Pat Mahomes, he did not go too far

Chargers and the Raiders, matchup in LA
Justin Herbert is a stud, and he was on display
Three touchdowns and no picks, his team is 1-0
Raiders have a nice roster, only upwards to go

Vikings and the Packers, A-Rod needs to some talent
He can’t go out and win himself, they guy’s only so gallant
Story is not about him though, Vikings looked pretty good
Kirk Cousins was really sharp, was he misunderstood?

Buccaneers and Cowboys, Sunday night in Dallas
Jerry Jones must love it when we’re focused on his palace
Tough break for Big Jer, as Tom Brady is still here
TB12 wins again, will for 100 years

Sunday State of Mind: February 28th-March 6th

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Photo: New Scientist

It’s Sunday, there were sports this week, and we’re in a certain State of Mind.

A special week in Indy, the NFL Combine
A chance for NFL prospects to jump, run, and shine
Some major workout numbers, athletic freaks galore
NFL coaches and GMs jaws dropping to the floor

Surprise news out of Dallas about one of their best
Amari Cooper likely gone, Cowboys fans must be stressed
The wideout’s too expensive for Jerry Jones’ liking
So now their number one receiver will be gone, sent hiking

Still in a holding pattern in the MLB
The lockout continues as both sides will not agree
On a new CBA, games continue to be lost
The longer this goes on, more baseball games get tossed

We talked last week about big scores in the NBA
Repeating this week, Jayson Tatum and LBJ
JT scored 54 tonight, Bron 56 on Saturday
Defenses sat on the sideline and watched the big dogs play

We’ve got our first few tickets punched in the NCAA
March Madness is so close, let’s get this underway
Murray State, Longwood, and Loyola Chicago
You know what that means; Sister Jean’s ready to roll!

Panthers Hire Noted Sex Symbol Ben McAdoo as Their New Offensive Coordinator

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Photo: NY Daily News

Look at him, drink in every inch of that perfectly tailored suit.

The NFL got better on Friday when the Carolina Panthers announced the hiring of Ben McAdoo as their new offensive coordinator. Before Pete Davidson was the sexiest man in New York, Coach McAdoo held that title. The former Giants head coach last prowled the sidelines in 2017 with the G-men, and had been in consulting roles with the Jaguars and Cowboys since he was unjustly fired in New York.

An undervalued offensive mind, Big Bad Ben brings the twisted steel and sex appeal the Panthers were looking for in their search. The titillating teacher of offense graced the Giants with his beautiful brain during an incredible run that started in 2016 and unfortunately ended in 2017.

According to Pro Football Reference and The Football Database, this polymath of passing and play action’s highlights include, but are not limited to:

  • 2016: ranked 26th in scoring offense, ahead of juggernauts like the Bears, Jets, and Browns
  • 2016: ranked 29th in rushing, beating out dependable runners like Theo Riddick of the Lions and Jerick McKinnon of the Vikings
  • 2016: ranked 17th in passing, out-throwing big arms like Ryan Tannehill of the Dolphins and Brock Osweiler of the Texans
  • 2017: ranked 31st in scoring offense, blowing the Browns out of the water (just like 2016)
  • 2017: ranked 26th in rushing, a huge improvement from 2016 and outrushing big hitters like Kerwynn Williams of the Cardinals and Samaje Perine of the Washington Football Team
  • 2017: ranked 19th in passing, this extremely slight drop from 2016 can easily be explained by the improved rushing attack and becoming a more balanced offense. Even with all of that, that stellar offense had more passing yards than Joe Flacco’s Ravens and Jacoby Brissett’s Colts

Absolute fireworks. If you’re a Carolina Panther fan today, I don’t know how you’re containing your excitement. Go buy those season tickets because they’ll be flying off the shelf after this announcement. Go out and get that “Panthers Super Bowl Champs 2023” tattoo. Name your next born “Benjamin.” There are no rules after organization shifting hires like Coach McAdoo.

You’ve got yourself a stud…ride that pony all the way to the Lombardi Trophy.

Sunday State of Mind: January 10th-January 16th

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Photo: Wallpaper Cave

One of the best weekends in sports, Super Wildcard Weekend. We’ve still got plenty to go, but in case you missed anything, let’s review in this week’s Sunday State of Mind.

Raiders and the Bengals, first game yesterday
Joe Burrow and the boys from Cincy for sure had their way
Vegas made it close, almost tied it at the end
After the season the Raiders had, we all should commend

Bills and the Pats, Saturday’s nightcap
This one was over early, an expeditious wrap
Bills Mafia came in force and saw their team ball out
Beat the Pats two out of three, some AFC East clout

Bucs and the Eagles, champions verse Philly
TB12 and the boys made them look silly
The Eagles never got it going, and it really showed
Hard to beat the buzzsaw Brady when in playoff mode

An upset down in Big D, Niners and the boys
San Fran’s offense was too much, really brought the noise
Another big playoff loss for Jerry Jones’ team
Ever since the late 90’s that has been their theme