LIV Golf

The Best Masters Preview You Will Ever Read

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Photo: Amazon

The fake bird chirps…the spray painted grass…The Masters.

The best weekend in golf is here, and so is our dumb preview.

Last year we were piiiiiiissed at the first and second round pairings. This year, much like Phil Mickelson, we’re so excited we can’t feel our face.

So let’s dive in to some notable playing groups we’ll see Thursday and Friday at Augusta.

10:06AM/1:12PM.: Patrick Cantlay, Min Woo Lee, Rickie Fowler: truly hope Min Woo and Rickie are in for the fastest round of their lives!

10:18AM/1:24PM: Hideki Matsuyama, Will Zalatoris, Justin Thomas: we will take any reason we can find to relive Hideki’s caddy bowing to the course.

10:30AM/1:36PM: Jon Rahm, Matt Fitzpatrick, Nick Dunlap: if Rahm plays poorly this week, he may just use his LIV money to buy and bulldoze Augusta.

10:42AM/1:48PM: Scottie Scheffler, Rory McIlroy, Xander Schauffele: Scottie’s on baby watch, if he wins this weekend you have to name that kid August, right?

10:54AM/2:00PM: Wyndham Clark, Viktor Hovland, Cameron Smith: this group is interesting because you have two incredibly rich sounding names and then a dude who might be the best of the three who looks like a cigarette butt.

11:42AM/8:36AM: Vijay Singh, Si Woo Kim, Emiliano Grillo: speaking of names, here we have the group with the widest gap between funnest names to say and most boring to watch.

12:48PM/9:36AM: Patrick Reed, Sungjae Im, Kurt Kitayama: despite Reed being the leader in career earnings by a long shot in this group, we would highly advise Sungjae and Kurt to keep a close eye on their wallets.

1:24PM/10:18AM: Tiger Woods, Jason Day, Max Homa: we’re not going to make the boring no sex joke about Tiger here…but honestly being around a couple hotties like Jason and Max for a few days might pop that chastity belt right off.

1:36PM/10:30AM: Brian Harman, Brooks Koepka, Tom Kim: if Brooks doesn’t make the cut he might be as wide eyed as Phil.

The Masters is the perfect comedown from March Madness, something the sports Gods give us every year to wean us off the hard stuff like a heroine detox center. But with all of these pairings, we’re ready to relapse.

Sunday State of Mind: June 5th-June 11th

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Photo: Wallpaper Cave

The sports sure sported this week; SSM is here to recap.

Tough time down in Florida, on the biggest stage
Finals and The Stanley Cup, fans are full of rage
Panthers and the Heat, both down three games to one
Elimination likely coming soon, both seasons soon done

LIV and PGA, now the best of friends
As the story goes, money always transcends
Now partners in crime, golf has fully changed
Most players want Jay Monahan’s face rearranged

Four straight Pro Bowl seasons, racking yards and touchdowns
He made Vikes fans happy, did his part to decrease frowns
But now he’s a free agent, he’s got his choice of teams
Whoever signs Dalvin Cook will feel like it’s a dream

Have to say this while we can, The Oakland A’s are hot!
Four wins in a row this week, for them that’s a lot
A sad season in progress, good to get some shine
Since they won those four, likely to lose next nine

A Statement From President of The CW, Dennis Miller

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Photo: The CW

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE*

(BURBANK, CA, June 2, 2023) – upon today’s shocking announcement of an agreement between The PGA Tour and our dear, dear friends at LIV Golf, we felt it necessary to clear the air.

As you all are aware, we were the only media outlet to be brave enough to embrace LIV Golf when it was not a popular decision. Rumors of declined deals from ESPN, Netflix, CBS, NBC, ABC, Discovery, FOX Sports, and The Food Channel ran rampant before we came into the picture. We were happy to work with the fine folks at LIV to platform the Saudi-backed golf league that the entire nation so widely embraced.

Now that LIV has merged with The PGA, we assume they’re going to be leaving us. The CW, often referred to as the leader in entertainment and foresight, would assume this new super golf league will start their own channel, go the streaming route, or potentially VR when configuring their viewing experience moving forward.

We wish LIV and The PGA the best in their new venture, and this statement was in no way forced upon us by our Saudi overlords.

*please note this is satire, The CW/LIV seem like people who love litigation

LOL at LIV on The CW

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Photo: CWTV.com

LIV Golf: billionaires, private jets, beautiful tournaments and…The CW?

In one of the funniest announcements we’ve heard in recent memory, the Saudi-backed grime balls of professional golf announced Thursday that they (finally) have a TV rights agreement. An agreement that took so long because no one wanted to touch this league with a 10 foot sword, LIV is now partnered with the powerhouse TV station The CW.

That’s right…The CW. Don’t be ashamed, we had to double check that The CW was still a channel also. But it is, and it’s the new home of the bogey blood money league.

According to Variety, The CW is the 25th ranked TV station in the United States, only edged out by the major entertainment players at Me TV, INSP, and Ion, whoever the hell all of those channels are. Digging a little deeper, let’s look at the actual content The CW is pumping out with their year to year viewership changes from 2021-2022:

  • All American, -21.01%
  • All American: Homecoming, -5.19%
  • Walker, -17.05%
  • DC’s Stargirl (cancelled) -32.87%
  • Kung Fu, -17.19%
  • Coroner, -54.17%

This is when it all clicked. LIV is so dedicated to the game of golf, they want everything having to do with their league to match the game. This lead them to their perfect partner in The CW; they wanted to partner with a TV channel whose year to year ratings are extremely under par.

LIV’s new content brethren are showing some real solid golf scores that I’m sure they appreciate. Turns out while we’re all playing checkers, LIV’s playing chess.

Tiger & Rory Announced The TGL and LFG

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Photo: tglgolf.com

Suck it, LIV Golf.

Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy launched TGL Golf on Tuesday, with a pretty exciting promo video.

So, to recap: we’ve got top PGA golfers teaming up to play on simulators. This is honestly a great idea and should be pretty watchable.

We are here for it, and are here to help as much as possible. With that in mind, we want to provide some ideas to Tiger and Rory if they are looking for some interaction, as the above video implies.

So let’s list details that have been released for The TGL so far (in bold) with our thoughts & suggestions.

  • Two hour competitions: pretty good amount of time, could push it to three hours if needed.
  • Fifteen Monday night matches: great start, feel free to spread this out to Sundays, maybe some Thursdays. Also, could stretch this out to 17 weeks.
  • Three vs. three team competition: kind of small, maybe move this up to 11 on 11?
  • Eighteen players total (six teams of three): this seems low, need to pump these numbers up. Maybe 32 teams with 53 man rosters each, just spitballing some figures here.
  • Begins January 2024: this seems a tad off. Potential suggestion here would be to start training in August, with competition starting in September through the fall and winter, with the season ending in early February.
  • Using a golf ball: while this sounds smart on the surface, maybe think about moving to a lemon shaped ball with unpredictable bounces. Golfers could potentially also run & throw said ball.

Sounds great right? We’re super excited for The TGL, and think with the above suggestions, this new golf league could really take off and grab America’s attention.

A Farewell Letter to Bryson and Patrick

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Photo: Sports Illustrated

Dearest Bryson and Patrick,

I cannot believe our time together is coming to an end. With your recently announced departure to The LIV Golf League; we wanted to compose a proper goodbye…this will be hard.

Bryson, how will we go on without your constant endearing chats with rules officials? That quintuple bogey at The Memorial in 2020 was so unfair! Hard to believe you were unjustly ruled against by one official, and when you asked a second official, he also ruled against you. How could that happen?!

Don’t even get us started on those life threatening ants at the WGC FedEx St. Jude Invitational, a mere two weeks later. You were so in the right pulling out Rule 16.2(a) from the USGA Rulebook: “a “dangerous animal condition” exists when a dangerous animal…near a ball could cause serious physical injury to the player if he or she had to play the ball as it lies.” Let he who could possibly manage hitting a golf ball with a few ants on the ground cast the first stone.

Patrick…sweet Patrick. Don’t we all love a perfect lie on our golf shots? That 2019 Hero World Challenge should have been a win, not a worthless third place finish, if not for the unjust cheating allegations. Listen, sand can move with a slight wind, or a club head, but mostly anything else. The fact that you were penalized two strokes for possibly improving your lie was cruel and inexcusable.

Or how about that 2021 Farmers Insurance Open? You may have picked up your ball to improve your lie, you may not have. Who knows? What does it really matter? You were blowing everyone out of the water anyways, we all knew you were going to win. Maybe it helped, maybe it didn’t. Those who think it did can suck an egg. You won that tournament fair and square.

So this is farewell to you two gentlemen of the game. We will miss you as we try to continue on without seeing you in PGA events. We know you will bring your dominance and mental toughness to The LIV. The mental ability to block accepting blood money and still be able to look yourselves in the mirror proves to all of us that you will be able to make this very worthwhile career move.

Give ’em hell, boys!