Travis Barker

The Aughts Hot or Not – Kim Kardashian “Jam (Turn It Up)”

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Photo: Wikipedia

Yeah…this is happening.

After our long national nightmare that seemed to last like six minutes, The Kardashians are finally back where they belong; atop of the reality television mountain. After a 20 year run on E! the krazy klan is back for drama, arguments, and family moments that are all definitely not scripted.

Like many other successful lawyers, Kim K took a stab at the music biz before cracking open a law book. After failing the California bar three times, she announced on Instagram in December that the fourth time was the charm…finally, a Kardashian caught a break in life.

With their long awaited reality TV return this week, we thought it was all but appropriate to fire up the ‘ol Aughts Hot or Not machine for Kim Kardashian’s 2010 banger “Jam (Turn It Up).”

Music Video

Boom, 18 seconds in we get an ass shot. Whoever directed this video (assuming it was Kris Jenner) must’ve thought the inspiring lyrics and heartfelt message behind the song wasn’t as strong as that cake Kim K is so famous for.

We continue on with some random seductive(?) laying and crawling on the ground. Kim looks like she’s worked up quite a sweat throughout the video, so hopefully she was OK.

Eventually, we get back to the butt shots around the 3:18 mark, which shouldn’t have surprised me since I quickly learned this video is about four to five different clips just rolled over and over. Surprised the formula of butt, laying down, crawling, photoshoot didn’t take this video to the moon.

The grand finale of the video was a grainy, pink letter train that, in case you got lost in the majesty of song and video, spells out K-I-M-K-A-R-D-A-S-H-I-A-N to remind you of the songbird giving you this certified hit.

Best Lyric

Girls in the building
Fellas in the club
Boys spending money
Girls looking good
Im on the floor, living my life
Feeling so good, feeling so right
Got my hands up
Celebrate like its my birthday
Five more shots of tequila
I’m thirsty

Shakespeare, is that you?! This is an incredible run on of lines that simply do not rhyme, and I love it. I wish I was as brave as Kim K to put myself out there in music form with building, club, money, good, life, right, up, birthday, tequila.

Now admittedly, I don’t remember all of the times I’ve drank tequila, but I don’t think it has ever quenched my thirst. Celebrities do have crazy health secrets that us common folk don’t, so maybe Kim is on to something here. All I get when I take any shot of tequila (let alone five) is a shriveled face and instant regret.

Worst Lyric

I’ma burn it out tonight, it’s goin’ down
By live via satellite
And all I see is angels in my eyes
Buzz got me way up in the sky

So hard to pick here, so many great options. This set of lyrical magic takes the cake, though. What is being burned out? Where is it being broadcasted live via satellite?

Did Kim temporarily cross over the rainbow bridge and none of us know it? If all you’re seeing is angels, and feeling a buzz that has you way up in the sky…feeling a little worried.

Rating

This is a great song for a punchline, or for writing stupid blogs such as this one. Overall, I think we can all agree this is pretty bad. Apparently Kim is with us as well, telling The Huffington Post in 2014, “Like, what gave me the right to think I could be a singer? Like, I don’t have a good voice.”

Eloquent as always, Kim.

Rating: 2 Carson Dalys

Photo: USA Today

Keeping Up With Kylie Jenner’s Baby Name

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Photo: Refinery29

Sometimes things just don’t stick.

Kylie Jenner posted on her Instagram story Monday that her and partner Travis Scott are changing their son’s name. The currently unnamed newborn was born on February 2, 2022, and was named “Wolf” for the first seven weeks of life.

Photo: @kyliejenner on Instagram

Much like lips, sometimes things come and go; it happens. I’m sure the artist formerly known as Wolf won’t know any difference.

But, the big question that has the nation on edge: what will the new name be?

We’re here to help. Although these badass Kardashian/Jenner women know how to get their fucking asses up and work, we thought we’d provide some assistance if they’re so inclined.

  • Wade Elux Jenner
  • Red Bottoms Jenner
  • Chase Bank Jenner
  • Tanner Oil Jenner
  • Ralph Lauren Jenner
  • Max Credit Jenner
  • Milo Naire Jenner
  • Skip TheLine Jenner
  • Bo Tox Jenner

Whatever these two crazy kids decide on, I’m sure it will be great…and hopefully final.

The Aughts Hot or Not – Blink 182 “First Date”

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Photo: YouTube

It’s 2001, you come home from school and throw some pizza rolls in the microwave. Homework? Nah. Shut the door to your room and throw Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater in the PS2. Are you going with Bucky Lasek, Bob Burnquist, or Chad Muska? Doesn’t matter, all three of them shred so hard.

As great as the THPS soundtrack is, sometimes you have to switch it up a bit. So you grab that trapper keeper that held all of your CDs, and find Blink 182’s classic album Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. You meander through the first few songs, until you get to the third track, “First Date.”

All is good in the world.

Music Video

There is so much going on in this music video and I absolutely love the chaos. A totally random and unexplained anecdote of Tom DeLonge kissing his brother starts the video off right before Travis Barker begins the musical proceedings.

If the costumes and grainy footage didn’t give it away, we quickly learn the setting for the video is El Segundo, California in 1974. Shaggy hair, handlebar mustaches, and short shorts all around. We see the band start to roll around town in their Volkswagen van, exiting accompanied by a plume of smoke, and driving with an “Ass, Gas, of Grass” bumper sticker on the back fender.

Around the 1:45 mark, we get to, in my humble option, the climax of the video…the wiffle ball scene. Both hilarious and sad, the wiffle ball bat gets launched, and caught in the poor girl with the headgear’s bike spokes. She takes a mighty tumble over the handlebars and rolls away crying and ashamed. Sad indeed.

The hilarious part is that this moment produced what is one of the most popular GIFs used today:

At their peak, the guys from Blink 182 were such visionaries they were creating visual art that would become one of the best GIFs we have, 15 years before the medium even became a popular form of communication. Truly forward-thinking stuff.

The remainder of the video is a trip to the water park and go-kart track, where we get some awkward ass slapping, shrinkage jokes, and peeing on the side of the go-kart track. We finish off by getting an update on where the guys are know; Travis drives go-karts full time, Spaulding (Mark) still lives in his van, and Boomer (Tom) is currently in prison for undisclosed reasons. A fitting end to this group of dimwits we’re introduced to in this video.

Best Lyric

I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that I’m probably gonna miss

Not only are these great lyrics, they’re totally savvy. Blink knew exactly what they were doing here. They had the early aughts, punk rock, teen angst crowd wrapped around their finger. You just know there were millions of 13-17 year olds who felt these lines in their bones.

Another thing that I love about Blink 182 and bands of the like, is the punk rock accent they threw out there when singing, have you ever noticed that? A lot of elongated A’s and ending words with an “auuuugghhh” sound. You can read the lyrics above in what would be considered a normal voice, but they actually sound like:

I draaad the thoight auhv our vaary feeurst keeis
A taurgut thaaat owime praubly geeonna meeis

You know I’m right.

Worst Lyric

Is it cool if I hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it’s lame to dance?

A few pros and cons here. Asking permission to hold someone’s hand, definite pro. Thinking it’s lame to dance, definite con. Starting the song off with a shaky lyric; con. Having the song only get better after said start, pro.

Just because I love it so much, let’s get phonetic and read how these lyrics actually sound coming from Tom DeLonge:

Ees eiut kewl eif I hold yer haaaund?
Ees eiut wraung eif I theenk eiut’s lame tuh daaaunce?

You know I’m right.

Rating

It’s a shame that Blink 182 has gone through their fair share of break ups, reunions, and re-break ups. The band currently still consists of Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker. Tom DeLonge has gone his separate way, and has gotten really into aliens, which I’m all for. But I think we would all be glad to see the three members that made up the band at their peak get back together at some point. A great band, and one of their top songs.

Rating: 8 Carson Daly’s