Yeah…this is happening.

After our long national nightmare that seemed to last like six minutes, The Kardashians are finally back where they belong; atop of the reality television mountain. After a 20 year run on E! the krazy klan is back for drama, arguments, and family moments that are all definitely not scripted.

Like many other successful lawyers, Kim K took a stab at the music biz before cracking open a law book. After failing the California bar three times, she announced on Instagram in December that the fourth time was the charm…finally, a Kardashian caught a break in life.

With their long awaited reality TV return this week, we thought it was all but appropriate to fire up the ‘ol Aughts Hot or Not machine for Kim Kardashian’s 2010 banger “Jam (Turn It Up).”

Music Video

Boom, 18 seconds in we get an ass shot. Whoever directed this video (assuming it was Kris Jenner) must’ve thought the inspiring lyrics and heartfelt message behind the song wasn’t as strong as that cake Kim K is so famous for.

We continue on with some random seductive(?) laying and crawling on the ground. Kim looks like she’s worked up quite a sweat throughout the video, so hopefully she was OK.

Eventually, we get back to the butt shots around the 3:18 mark, which shouldn’t have surprised me since I quickly learned this video is about four to five different clips just rolled over and over. Surprised the formula of butt, laying down, crawling, photoshoot didn’t take this video to the moon.

The grand finale of the video was a grainy, pink letter train that, in case you got lost in the majesty of song and video, spells out K-I-M-K-A-R-D-A-S-H-I-A-N to remind you of the songbird giving you this certified hit.

Best Lyric

Girls in the building
Fellas in the club
Boys spending money
Girls looking good
Im on the floor, living my life
Feeling so good, feeling so right
Got my hands up
Celebrate like its my birthday
Five more shots of tequila
I’m thirsty

Shakespeare, is that you?! This is an incredible run on of lines that simply do not rhyme, and I love it. I wish I was as brave as Kim K to put myself out there in music form with building, club, money, good, life, right, up, birthday, tequila.

Now admittedly, I don’t remember all of the times I’ve drank tequila, but I don’t think it has ever quenched my thirst. Celebrities do have crazy health secrets that us common folk don’t, so maybe Kim is on to something here. All I get when I take any shot of tequila (let alone five) is a shriveled face and instant regret.

Worst Lyric

I’ma burn it out tonight, it’s goin’ down
By live via satellite
And all I see is angels in my eyes
Buzz got me way up in the sky

So hard to pick here, so many great options. This set of lyrical magic takes the cake, though. What is being burned out? Where is it being broadcasted live via satellite?

Did Kim temporarily cross over the rainbow bridge and none of us know it? If all you’re seeing is angels, and feeling a buzz that has you way up in the sky…feeling a little worried.

Rating

This is a great song for a punchline, or for writing stupid blogs such as this one. Overall, I think we can all agree this is pretty bad. Apparently Kim is with us as well, telling The Huffington Post in 2014, “Like, what gave me the right to think I could be a singer? Like, I don’t have a good voice.”

Eloquent as always, Kim.

Rating: 2 Carson Dalys