Oh Shit, the Heard v. Depp Verdict is In

Photo: E! News

The final defecation, I mean decision has been handed brown, I mean down.

After an absolute shit-show of a trial, the jury finally decided in favor of Johnny Depp in the Amber Heard v. Johnny Depp he sued, she sued defamation trail that had $150M being sought between the two.

Man, this case absolutely went in the toilet. The whole thing smelled foul, and seemed repugnant from the start. The fact that cameras were allowed in the court room, and this whole case was dumped on us for a month and half stinks. The entire thing was a contest of who could sling the most mud out about the other person. It was total crap.

Luckily, the post-argument deliberation was short, and the jury decided not to squat on it for too long. They got up off their asses and logged their delivery as quickly as possible. They did not choose to sit on their throne and fart around; what was inside all of them was put it on paper in a brisk fashion. Kudos to them.

After all of this, I’m exhausted. I’d like to build a log cabin and hide. This whole case was annoying, like a dog scratching at my back door. I’m glad we can finally put this all behind us and stick this drama where the sun don’t shine.

Keeping Up With Kylie Jenner’s Baby Name

Photo: Refinery29

Sometimes things just don’t stick.

Kylie Jenner posted on her Instagram story Monday that her and partner Travis Scott are changing their son’s name. The currently unnamed newborn was born on February 2, 2022, and was named “Wolf” for the first seven weeks of life.

Photo: @kyliejenner on Instagram

Much like lips, sometimes things come and go; it happens. I’m sure the artist formerly known as Wolf won’t know any difference.

But, the big question that has the nation on edge: what will the new name be?

We’re here to help. Although these badass Kardashian/Jenner women know how to get their fucking asses up and work, we thought we’d provide some assistance if they’re so inclined.

  • Wade Elux Jenner
  • Red Bottoms Jenner
  • Chase Bank Jenner
  • Tanner Oil Jenner
  • Ralph Lauren Jenner
  • Max Credit Jenner
  • Milo Naire Jenner
  • Skip TheLine Jenner
  • Bo Tox Jenner

Whatever these two crazy kids decide on, I’m sure it will be great…and hopefully final.

Another Failed Shot: This Time at Love

Photo: People

Mere hours after Valentines Day, terrible news coming out of the world of love.

According to Buzzfeed/the entire internet, Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley have called of their engagement:

Total annihilation of the heart. Woodley indicated that Rodgers was too football-focused to be committed to their relationship. Now whether that’s a Big Little Lie or not, we may never know. All we can ascertain at this point is that she has become Divergent of the relationship with the Packers quarterback. We aren’t here to put The Fault on either of these Stars.

Rodgers, one of the best to ever do it, has seen this play out before. It, of course, being losing family. The reigning NFL MVP will now get a Discount Double Check on meals as he’ll no longer be paying for two. After today’s excruciating news, Rodgers will not be adding a wedding ring to his one Super Bowl ring; and has been immunized from being in a relationship.

With the status of his engagement no longer in Jeopardy, will the NFL’s Most Valuable Player commit to another year of football? Only time will tell.

Friday News Dump: A-Rod and J-Lo Are No-Mo’

What else is there to live for?

On Friday, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez announced they are calling it quits. They are ending their four-year relationship and two-year engagement.

According to People, the ultimate source on celeb gossip, “[t]his has been a long time coming,”

What a shame.

J-Lo, an experienced veteran at being engaged, has butted her way out of another relationship and engagement. She’s walking out the backdoor, and onto bigger and better things. It appears the enthusiasm for the relationship has been plugged up, the foundation has cracked, and got wedged in a bad place. This is obviously the bottom for the power couple, and it has reached the hind end. It this relationship were a train, this is definitely the caboose. J-Lo took the hearts of all of her and A-Rod’s fans and totally wrecked ’em.

Speaking of A-Rod, a total change has been injected into his life. Being newly single, his business performance will definitely be enhanced. With more time to focus on his business ventures, he’ll definitely come into meetings with bigger balls, not shrunken ones. One can assume he’s really going to be ready to flex his huge business muscles and be ready to rage all over anyone sitting across the negotiating table.

With J-Lo putting A-Rod in her rear…view mirror, all we can hope is that both parties have truly amicably split, both remain happy, and find love down the road.