7 Uses for the Next Life of the “Staples Center” Sign

Photo: @LegionHoops on Twitter

A sad day for Lakers, Clippers, Sparks, and Kings fans.

On Monday, pictures surfaced of the famous red blocked “Staples Center” signage being removed from the arena in Los Angeles. The de-signing took place after it was announced the venue would undergo a name change to Crypto.com Arena, with an official name change marked for Christmas Day.

We’re talking Hollywood here, land of entertainment and retreads. So, there has to be some kind of creative venture for these now-homeless letters to stick around LA, right?

What kind of next life could be in store for our old friends S-T-A-P-L-E-S-C-E-N-T-E-R?

Escapees

Escape rooms have really come on in popularity in the past few years. If you’re looking to get into the industry, what better way to get some foot traffic through your doors than naming your business “Escapees,” all while flaunting the caveat that the letters came from Staples Center?

Etcetera

Can we be done with the phrase “Thrift Shop?” For what is indeed a great business, it sounds so degrading. Donators always have more in their closets than they need…some would go as far as to call unmentioned, extra items “Etcetera,” correct? What if those looking for some cheap second hand clothes walked into “Etcetera,” the hottest new co-op downtown?

Pacesetters

Lot of runners out there. Those psychopaths who knock out marathons like it’s their jobs. Doesn’t “Pacesetters” sound like a bar that these physically-gifted freaks could gather and talk about shin splints, nipple chafing, and whatever else happens when you run for extended periods of time?

Caprese

Upscale salad bar, enough said.

Actress

I’m no big time Hollywood agent, but I do know that our entertainers in the TV and movie industries do these things calls “head shots.” If I’m an aspiring actress trying to stand out from the crowd at an audition, I’m buying the Staples Center sign, posing right in front of “Actress,” and watch the bank account overflow.

Teen Crap

Zodiac rings, BTS posters, Tik Tok ideas. Everything you need for your favorite youth all in one place. Come on in to “Teen Crap” and let your favorite 13-19 year old max out your credit card on totally worthwhile stuff!

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This absolutely sounds like an insensitive name to call a bar in LA. We wouldn’t make that joke though, totally tasteless.

Los Angeles, there you go. Your homework is done for you, you’re welcome. It’s up to you now to make sure the letters of “Staples Center” do not fade into memory as a worthless and out of date member of society…kind of like the actual store Staples.

iHeartRadio Announced Their Music Award Nominees…How Old Do You Feel?

It’s a feeling any 30-35 year old knows all too well. You’re cruising along in your 20’s, your Spotify playlists are hot as hell, and no one can tell you a damn thing. Some of you reading this right now still might be in that stage. If so, keep thriving King/Queen.

But then it hits. You’re listening to music one day, a song comes on, and the uncomfortable level of unfamiliarity you feel is so strong you begin to wonder if you’ve ever even heard music in your life. It’s a natural part of the aging process. You’ve reached your 30’s, and it’s become impossible to keep up with today’s hottest acts, social media stars, and trends.

I’m a 32 year old man and feel like I’m generally in the know on what’s going on. But then days like today come around, and iHeartRadio really puts me in my place. The popular streaming service released their 2021 Music Award Nominees today, highlighting the years brightest stars and most influential pop culture figures. I took a peep to see who’s been nominated, and my heart sank. With each year that goes by, each award show that is presented, my confidence in knowing who’s hot out here in these streets with the youths fades ever so slightly.

So I thought I’d put myself to the test. I scanned each category, and marked down simply who I was aware of before today. My final score will be which acts I know divided by the total number of nominees.

So with that said…let’s play America’s favorite game…

*studio audience shouts in unison* “How…Old…Do You Feel?”

Best Lyrics

Nominees: Harry Styles “Adore You,” Lewis Capaldi “Before You Go,” The Weeknd “Blinding Lights,” Taylor Swift “cardigan,” Dua Lipa “Don’t Start Now,” Billie Eilish “everything i wanted,” Gabbie Barrett “I Hope,” JP Saxe “If the World Was Ending,” Justin Bieber “Intentions,” Future “Life is Good.”

I’m Cool Because I Know: Harry Styles, Lewis Capaldi, The Weeknd, Taylor Swift, Dua Lipa, Billie Eilish, Justin Bieber, Future

I’m Old and Don’t Know: Gabbie Barrett, JP Saxe

Category Score: 8/10

Overall Score:
8/10

Thoughts: Alright, decent start.

Best Cover Song

Nominees: Lizzo “Adore You,” Shawn Mendes “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You,” Sam Smith “Fix You,” Miley Cyrus “Heart Of Glass,” Harry Styles “Juice.”

I’m Cool Because I Know: Lizzo, Shawn Mendes, Sam Smith, Miley Cyrus, Harry Styles

I’m Old and Don’t Know: N/A

Category Score: 5/5

Overall Score:
13/15

Thoughts: Small category, but I’ll take the perfect score.

TikTok Bop Of The Year

Nominees: The Weeknd “Blinding Lights,” K Camp “Lottery,” Megan Thee Stallion “Savage,” Jason Derulo “Savage Love,” Doja Cat “Say So,” Cardi B “WAP.”

I’m Cool Because I Know: The Weeknd, Megan Thee Stallion, Jason Derulo, Doja Cat, Cardi B

I’m Old and Don’t Know: K Camp

Category Score: 5/6

Overall Score:
18/21

Thoughts: The title of this category alone made my back hurt. Also if “Savage Love” doesn’t win this then the voting is rigged.

Best Music Video

Nominees: The Weeknd “Blinding Lights,” Dua Lipa “Don’t Start Now,” BTS “Dynamite,” Maluma “Haw√°i,” BlackPink “How Do You Like That,” Future “Life Is Good,” Lady Gaga “Rain On Me,” Harry Styles “Watermelon Sugar,” Cardi B “WAP,” Justin Bieber “Yummy.”

I’m Cool Because I Know: The Weeknd, Dua Lipa, BTS, Future, Lady Gaga, Harry Styles, Cardi B, Justin Bieber

I’m Old and Don’t Know: Maluma, BlackPink

Category Score: 8/10

Overall Score: 26/31

Thoughts: Yes, I realize there are a lot of duplicates that I’m counting. Clearly looking for a confidence boost here.

Best Fan Army

Nominees: Agnez Mo “Agnation,” Ariana Grande “Arianators,” Justin Bieber “Beliebers,” BlackPink “Blink,” BTS “BTS Army,” Harry Styles “Harries,” Why Don’t We “Limelights,” Louis Tomlinson “Louies,” Shawn Mendes “Mendes Army,” NCT 127 “NCTzens,” Selena Gomez “Selenators,” Taylor Swift “Swifties.”

I’m Cool Because I Know: Ariana Grande, BTS, Justin Bieber, Harry Styles, Shawn Mendes, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift

I’m Old and Don’t Know: Agnez Mo, BlackPink, Why Don’t We, Louis Tomlinson, NCT 127

Category Score: 7/12

Overall Score: 33/43

Thoughts: I want to personally address Agnation, Blink, Limelights, Louis, and NCTzens and just say that I come in peace. I am here to learn, please don’t age shame me. This category has me absolutely leaking confidence.

Social Star Award

Nominees: Dixie D’Amelio, Jaden Hossler, Lil Huddy, Nessa Barrett, Olivia Rodrigo, Tate McRae

I’m Cool Because I Know: N/A

I’m Old and Don’t Know: Dixie D’Amelio, Jaden Hossler, Lil Huddy, Nessa Barrett, Olivia Rodrigo, Tate McRae

Category Score: 0/5

Overall Score: 33/48

Thoughts: Do I need to get a TikTok?

Favorite Music Video Choreography

Nominees: Ariana Grande “34+35,” DaBaby “Bop,” Chloe X Halle “Do It,” BTS “Dynamite,” CNCO “Honey Boo,” Dua Lipa “Physical,” Lady Gaga “Rain On Me,” Doja Cat “Say So.”

I’m Cool Because I Know: Ariana Grande, DaBaby, BTS, Dua Lipa, Lady Gaga, Doja Cat

I’m Old and Don’t Know: Chloe X Halle, CNCO

Category Score: 6/8

Overall Score: 39/56

Thoughts: Really needed a strong finish here.

So, I’m in the know with what makes the Gen Z’ers go at a 70% clip. Not great, not terrible. There’s definitely room for improvement, and I’m willing to do the work. The first step at admitting there’s a problem is acknowledging it, and this is what I’m here to to today. Please respect my privacy during this trying time.

I will be better.