Our Third Annual NBA “City Edition” Jersey Analysis

Photo: NBA.com

It’s that time of year! For the third consecutive season, the fashion department here at UDS has been called upon to make stupid jokes about the latest versions of the NBA “City Edition” jerseys. Let’s get right down to business.

Atlanta Hawks – slick font, but use the peach font you cowards.
Boston Celtics – very cool to hit copy and paste from the Bucks normal uni’s.
Brooklyn Nets – just like last years, using the “Friends” font makes this jersey dumb…but there’s not much the Nets could’ve done that’s worse than what’s going on with that organization right now.
Charlotte Hornets – more like Charlotte Hornys, amirite?

Chicago Bulls – I think the designer for this one forgot the assignment was due at midnight and remembered at 11:53PM.

Cleveland Cavaliers – these jerseys are giving an original Mario level feel; for that reason this one gets a pass.
Dallas Mavericks – another good effort here. Still irrationally angry that a player as great as Luka DončiΔ‡ wears number 77.
Denver Nuggets – we may have our annual winner of “high school team from a Disney movie” uniforms.
Detroit Pistons – eh, this is an L. Just give us the Grant Hill throwbacks and call it a day.
Golden State Warriors very cool to dip the bottom of your jerseys in pollen; bumblebees everywhere loving this.
Houston Rockets – same look as last year, same result. These are a winner.
Indiana Pacers – we have enough shortages in this country; the Pacers have now added a thread shortage to the list.
Los Angeles Clippers – uh…these are at least the best uniforms in LA.
Los Angeles Lakers – there needs to be a federal investigation into why the Lakers keep trying to incorporate black into their uniforms.
Memphis Grizzlies – very lazy to copy the Vlade Divac/Peja StojakoviΔ‡ era Kings uniforms.
Miami Heat these are pretty similar to last year, but Miami wins this race every year and they’re right up there again.
Milwaukee Bucks – these are a mix of last year’s uniforms and the Kevin Garnett era Timberwolves…yucky.
Minnesota Timberwolves – speaking of the T’wolves…these are like the rough draft of the Nets uni’s.
New Orleans Pelicans – these are fine…would be way better if there were sewed on beads across the front.
Oklahoma City Thunder – this poor organization has never done this well; so not much to expect here. Much like the Pistons, they should just do the Supersonics uniforms.
Orlando Magic – while these aren’t a huge jump from their normal ‘fits, the fact that they didn’t incorporate orange this year like they have in the past is a win.
Philadelphia 76ers – as good as these are, the fact that they’re sponsored by a crypto website make these super sus.
Phoenix Suns – the Suns have nailed these in the past; but I think the Spurs have a case for copyright infringement with these bad boys.
Portland Trailblazers – these are like the away jerseys of the Suns jerseys, and should be included in the Spurs lawsuit. Big year for teal in the NBA.
Sacramento Kings – these are the “high school team from a Disney movie” runner ups, boring.
San Antonio Spurs – exhibit A in the aforementioned legal action suggested in this blog. These are the winners.
Toronto Raptors – so the Bulls designer also worked with the Raptors? Got it.
Washington Wizards – some very flowy flowers heavily featured here…can we start the Wizards to Hawaii rumors?

Wow…another year, another set of middle-of-the-road uniforms with even worse jokes to go with them. Thanks for the opportunity to create content, NBA.

What If NBA Trades Were Clothing Items? Untimed Down’s NBA Trade Deadline Special

Photo: NBA.com

Deadline Day in the NBA has come and gone. With it, countless useless names moving from city to city that will have little to no impact on anything.

BUT, there are a few moves every year that draw interest. For every Daniel Thies or George Hill there’s a Pau Gasol or Carmelo Anthony. This year was no different; the league was dressed head to toe with deadline deals.

Another trade deadline day for the league with the most fashion forward athletes did not disappoint. With that in mind, what would some of the trades we saw today be if they were clothing items?

Kings/Bucks/Clippers/Pistons: Donte DiVincenzo, Trey Lyles, Josh Jackson, Serge Ibaka, two second round picks, Rodney Hood, Semi Ojele, Marvin Bagley III:

Rainbow Toe Socks

Photo: The Socks Emporium

A lot going on for something that is essentially useless.

It doesn’t really matter which players are ending up where in this deal. Just an absolute assembly of disarray happening here for a considerable amount of impracticability.

Mavericks/Wizards: Kristaps Porzingas for Spencer Dinwiddie:

Propeller Hat

Photo: CGTrader

These have to be two of the funnest names to say in the NBA; and they were traded for each other.

Spencer Dinwiddie sounds like a cartoon protagonist from a 90’s Nickelodeon show. Kristaps Porzingas sounds like a sommelier who takes his job way too seriously.

Just fun all around.

Nets/76ers: James Harden for Ben Simmons, Seth Curry, Andre Drummond and two first round picks

Fleece Sweatshirt

Photo: Russell Athletic

Look at those names above. The Nets gave up an aging forward who can’t stay in once place for too long and got a superstar point guard, a three point sniper, a top five rebounder, and reloaded on draft picks.

There’s nothing else to say here; the 76ers got fleeced.

One more year of Woj bombs and Shams slams at their peak deadline day performance. Now we have the buyout market, and a flurry of other big name moves that likely won’t change anything down the stretch either. This league!

7 Uses for the Next Life of the “Staples Center” Sign

Photo: @LegionHoops on Twitter

A sad day for Lakers, Clippers, Sparks, and Kings fans.

On Monday, pictures surfaced of the famous red blocked “Staples Center” signage being removed from the arena in Los Angeles. The de-signing took place after it was announced the venue would undergo a name change to Crypto.com Arena, with an official name change marked for Christmas Day.

We’re talking Hollywood here, land of entertainment and retreads. So, there has to be some kind of creative venture for these now-homeless letters to stick around LA, right?

What kind of next life could be in store for our old friends S-T-A-P-L-E-S-C-E-N-T-E-R?

Escapees

Escape rooms have really come on in popularity in the past few years. If you’re looking to get into the industry, what better way to get some foot traffic through your doors than naming your business “Escapees,” all while flaunting the caveat that the letters came from Staples Center?

Etcetera

Can we be done with the phrase “Thrift Shop?” For what is indeed a great business, it sounds so degrading. Donators always have more in their closets than they need…some would go as far as to call unmentioned, extra items “Etcetera,” correct? What if those looking for some cheap second hand clothes walked into “Etcetera,” the hottest new co-op downtown?

Pacesetters

Lot of runners out there. Those psychopaths who knock out marathons like it’s their jobs. Doesn’t “Pacesetters” sound like a bar that these physically-gifted freaks could gather and talk about shin splints, nipple chafing, and whatever else happens when you run for extended periods of time?

Caprese

Upscale salad bar, enough said.

Actress

I’m no big time Hollywood agent, but I do know that our entertainers in the TV and movie industries do these things calls “head shots.” If I’m an aspiring actress trying to stand out from the crowd at an audition, I’m buying the Staples Center sign, posing right in front of “Actress,” and watch the bank account overflow.

Teen Crap

Zodiac rings, BTS posters, Tik Tok ideas. Everything you need for your favorite youth all in one place. Come on in to “Teen Crap” and let your favorite 13-19 year old max out your credit card on totally worthwhile stuff!

Relapse

This absolutely sounds like an insensitive name to call a bar in LA. We wouldn’t make that joke though, totally tasteless.

Los Angeles, there you go. Your homework is done for you, you’re welcome. It’s up to you now to make sure the letters of “Staples Center” do not fade into memory as a worthless and out of date member of society…kind of like the actual store Staples.

A Tradition Unlike Any Other – NBA “City Edition” Jersey Analysis

Look at all those beauts.

A great start to the week for all of us uniform analysts out there. The NBA dropped their 2021-2022 “City Edition” jerseys on Monday. One of our favorite traditions around here is being completely uninformed fashion critics. As we did last season, we are here once again to provide commentary that no one asks for or needs.

Atlanta Hawks – pretty clean. Yellow sucks as a main color but the “Atlanta” font has a nice throwback feel.
Boston Celtics – these looks like a team whose uniform budget ran out of white thread to fill in the letters and numbers.
Brooklyn Nets – always a good idea to throw back to the Jason Kidd/Richard Jefferson/Kenyon Martin era. Turns out the Nets Big 3 in the early aughts might end up being better than their current Big 3.
Charlotte Hornets – if you are privy to migraines, don’t dig too deep into these bad boys.
Chicago Bulls – the throwback font on “Chicago” is cool, but the basic number font doesn’t pair well, be better Bulls.

Cleveland Cavaliers – at time of writing, the Cavs have yet to post about their City Edition jerseys; simply shocking that an organization so well run would miss something like this. If you really want to get an idea, go watch Hoosiers.

Dallas Mavericks – not a bad effort here. Just surprising that the player they chose to model is never healthy enough to wear any of their uniforms.
Denver Nuggets – not only are these fun, but educational! I liked that Denver incorporated the ABA ball, and had no idea before today that their old logo was a miner. Also, the rainbow/mountain look always plays for the Nuggets in the uniform game.

Detroit Pistons – aren’t these pretty much just…their normal uniforms with the colors flipped? Only redeeming quality here is a that hint of Grant Hill era green/turquoise on the shorts.

Golden State Warriors – same vibes as the Pistons here for me. These are basically jerseys we’ve seen before, with one saving grace: the “splash” feature is awesome.
Houston Rockets – these are slick. I always liked the Barkley/Pippen/early Yoa Ming era Rockets jerseys, and it’s a nice touch incorporating that with their current logo on the shorts without it looking dumb.
Indiana Pacers – my answer to the above tweet? That these are only temporary.
Los Angeles Clippers – wowzers these are clean. Nothing crazy, crisp letter & number font, great shade of baby blue. Not many wins for the Clips so far this year, but this is one.
Los Angeles Lakers – “lost” is an appropriate word the Lakers used in the above tweet. I get what they were going for here, but I think it’s a miss. If you’re one of the most storied franchises in NBA history and you City Edition jersey looks like the Charlotte Hornets Starter pullover jacket we all had in the 90’s, you missed.
Memphis Grizzlies – anytime you have the opportunity to lean into some of the greatest uniforms of all time, you need to take it. Opportunity squandered.

Miami Heat – year in and year out, the Heat are at the top of any type of alternate uniform list, and nothing changes here. The ability to pull off all of the neon blues, pinks, etc. puts them at an unfair advantage. Excellent as usual.

Milwaukee Bucks – kind of cool, I guess. The side panel with all of the greens and purple works, but another weird letter/number font combo.
Minnesota Timberwolves – Kevin Garnett would be proud, and so am I. Nice and easy look, the accent trees on the belt and shorts, with the throwback font as a cherry on top.
New Orleans Pelicans – looks like the Pelicans and Pistons share the same design team. This is just their normal jerseys, right?
Oklahoma City Thunder – “Welcome to Create a Team on NBA2K22, this is the first screen where you start designing your team’s uniforms!”
Orlando Magic – one of life’s most intriguing questions; what is with the Orlando Magic’s infatuation with the color orange?

Philadelphia 76ers – nice 70’s ABA vibe here. The multi-colored side panel gives off a little Nuggets/rainbow feature as well.

Phoenix Suns – the Suns haven’t posted about their City Edition jerseys at time of writing. But, it doesn’t appear they changed anything from last year. Those were perfect, so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Portland Trailblazers – not a huge stray away from their normal threads, but this still plays. How about the argyle-ish side panel, when was the last time we saw that on an NBA uniform?

Sacramento Kings – the lion logo is above par, the rest is fine. I’m going to use my joke from last year’s review (because it was so hilarious), I can see thousands of bros at Bonnaroo and Lollapalooza rocking these bad boys solely because is has β€œsac” on it, which is approval enough for me.

San Antonio Spurs – all in on these. Bright colors really work when teams try to think outside of the box on uniforms, and the Spurs’ color history works perfect for this.

Toronto Raptors – the Raptors kind of have a Magic/orange obsession with gold; very random. But you have to give some points here for the old school logo. A dinosaur dribbling a basketball, how absurd.

Utah Jazz – no social media post, and based on the picture above it doesn’t look like the Jazz put too much effort into their City Edition jerseys this year, sad!

Washington Wizards – ending with a winner here. Fairly basic design, love the font from the Washington B*llets days. Well done in our nation’s capital.

Another year, another mediocre City Edition jersey review. This is a fun thing the NBA does every year, and while I’m sure they love the conversation and extra dollars that come with it, the misses are almost always as good as the hits.

Sunday State of Mind: October 25th-October 31st

A spooky, after dark edition of SSM this week. We take a scary hayrack ride through the week that was in the sports world.

Those scrappy bad guy Astros, just keep hangin’ ’round
The Braves could have been World Series champs, no king yet has been crowned
Atlanta still up 3-2, one more win on the way?
They’ll get a chance to become champs this coming Tuesday

The Jets have won a game! What a New Jersey dream
Even more impressive, they beat a first place team
Tough loss for the Bengals, hopefully a minor stop
In what would be a great season while rising to the top

Sticking in the AFC East, but opposite result
Dolphins lose their seventh straight, total football insult
The Bills bounce back for a win, after a Monday loss
Come playoff time, Bills Mafia will not be crossed

The NBA is in full swing, the sports world has no lulls
The Eastern Conference has been surprising: Knicks, Hornets, and Bulls
Out in the Western Conference, Clippers are 1-4
Hope it will get better, a start the Clips ignore

Got an in state battle, down in East Lansing
Sparty came out, beat big brother, totally did their thing
A tough loss for Michigan, but they’re still top 10
Another ranked opponent beating Jim Harbaugh again

A really tough two weeks for Iowa football
Number two two weeks ago, since then been all fall
After losing to Wisconsin, another unranked foe
Hawkeyes fall to number 19, there their playoff dreams go

Caleb Williams and the Sooners, rolled up Texas Tech
Six touchdowns through the air, Red Raiders saying “what the heck?”
Incredible start to a career, the young man is a battler
Continues to be special and play over Spencer Rattler

An Ode to Joakim Noah

Photo: NBA.com

Joakim Noah, the Bulls newest ambassador and one of the NBA’s most interesting men on and off the court, will be properly honored Thursday night in Chicago. The son of a professional tennis player and Miss Universe contestant will get his due at The United Center for his efforts and contributions during his 13 years in the NBA. The Knicks come to town to play the Bulls in a matchup of two of Noah’s former teams for “Joakim Noah Night.”

The Bulls put together a great (long) thank you video outlining what Noah meant during and after his time with the organization.

For anyone who appreciated the Noah/Rose/Boozer/Thibodeau era of Chicago basketball, this whole week has been a nostalgic blur. The Bulls Twitter account has been full of content and pictures that will bring any fan back to an incredible time.

Here at UDS, we would like to join the party in heaping praise on Joakim. Some of his greatest career highlights (in our opinion) are below.

Draft Day

One of the GOAT pictures in NBA, if not all of history.

Where do we even start?

Every single aspect of this picture brings joy. The tan pinstripe suit, the draft day hat barely containing the glorious hair, the gap-toothed infectious smile, the oversized bow tie.

The overall complete contrast next to David Stern makes Noah’s draft day picture one of the greatest of all time.

It’s so perfect.

Photo: Pinterest

Too Lit

After his time in Chicago, Noah signed with the Knicks in 2016.

An unfortunately unsuccessful tenure that only lasted three injury-filled seasons.

In an interview with Chris Vernon, Noah admitted: β€œI can look back at it and say I was ready for New York City…[b]ut I wasn’t. Not just the pressure. I remember after the first game I had 60 people in my house. I’m too lit to play in New York City.”

The blunt honesty is something so rare we get as fans, and Noah should be applauded for being so sincere on such a public failure.

Photo: Celebs First

Celebrations

That guy on the left looks like someone who loves to celebrate, no?

Joakim always showed his emotions, and was never scared to acknowledge a dunk, basket, or defensive play.

From his college days at Florida, to random intramural soccer matches, Noah is here to enjoy his time.

We miss him, and we love him for it.

Photo: Pixels

So Jo, Sticks, Mr. Noah, Stickity, and any other loving name we can use, thank you. Your energy, openness, and general vibe made you one of the most entertaining players the NBA has had in its history.

Steal and Score: 18 NBA Players Caught In Healthcare Scam

Photo: 1000 Logos

Eighteen former NBA players were charged and brought into custody Thursday after authorities discovered an insurance fraud plan aimed at the league’s Health and Welfare Benefit Plan.

The charges allege that the group of retired players attempted to defraud the plan of approximately $4 million dollars in awards. The plan allegedly involved submitting fake invoices for medical services or equipment needed by players after their service in the NBA had ended.

Pretty serious shit. The list of all 18 players can be found in the link above. The three biggest names in the list of fraudsters was Tony Allen, Glen “Big Baby” Davis, and Darius Miles. Allen played 14 seasons between the Celtics, Grizzlies, and Pelicans. Davis was in the league for nine years with the Celtics, Magic, and Clippers. Miles was an eight year veteran with the Clippers, Cavs, Trail Blazers, and Grizzlies.

This had to have been the biggest steal in all three of these guys’ careers, right? According to basketball reference, Allen averaged 1.4 steals/game in his career, Davis 0.7, and Miles a shade under a full steal per game at 0.9.

No individual stats were immediately available on how much each of these three received from the scam before being caught. But, if we’re going by pre-retirement compared to post-retirement careers, all three are right around their playing days’ stealing average.

After today, all three of their post-retirement numbers sit at 1.0 steals/retirement. Compared to their on court careers, Allen dips a bit, but marked improvement by both David and Miles.

You often hear that even though professional athletes bodies may break down during their playing careers, their competitive drives never leave. Props to these three for continuing working on their stealing ability post-career.

Sunday State of Mind: June 21st-June 27th

Photo: Wall Up

Here we are again, friends. We have reached the end of another week, and we’re here to review in the latest Sunday State of Mind.

Of all the good stories this year, and there are aplenty
My favorite of them all may be Trey Mancini
Fought and beat cancer last year, but missed the entire season
I’ll be watching the Derby this year, and he’s the only reason

Three double digit hitting streaks in the MLB
Bryan from Pittsburgh, JP from Seattle, and from Houston, Yuli
One week pitchers are too good, and getting checked midgame
After that we get three guys who look like their next stop’s the Hall of Fame

Even more destroying of baseballs, the big guy Kyle Schwarber
When he steps into the box, pitcher’s crouch in horror
Thirteen home runs in fifteen games, guy is on a tear
When he’s in the zone like this, it’s almost just unfair

Another no hitter was thrown this week, Dodgers looking like scrubs
After starting Zach Davies and throwing three relievers, got no hit by the Cubs
It’s the seventh no-no in 2021, tying a major league mark
You never know what you’ll see day to day, at the old ballpark

Can’t forget the NBA, Conference Finals in full swing
Bucks and Hawks are tied 1-1, Suns are doing their thing
The Clippers are missing their guy Kawhi, sidelined by a knee
If he doesn’t get back soon, eliminated they will be

We do have one Finals match set, in the NHL
Montreal and Tampa Bay, let the excitement swell
Will Lord Stanley reside up north? Will Tampa Bay repeat?
Looking forward either way for how the season will complete

Sunday State of Mind: June 14th-June 20th

Happy Father’s Day! Read this week’s SSM to Dad since he was probably napping in his recliner during all the action.

Madden 22 has released their latest cover
Two goats, one game, great for football lovers
Brady and Mahomes are your newest cover boys
On the video game that has given all of us years of joy

Spider Tack introduced itself into the public eye
MLB cares all the sudden, truly wonder why
No chance that it could be because batting’s now a joke
Anything they can do to fix a sport that’s nearly broke

Suns and the Clippers, finals in the West
Phoenix and LA going to see who is the best
Bucks advanced in the East to face the 76ers or Hawks
Philly or Atlanta in game seven, loser has to walk

Sunday State of Mind: June 7th-June 13th

Photo: Faxo

A heavy dose of NBA this week, as Sunday State of Mind is back in a big way.

Your newly minted MVP is Nikola “The Joker”
He’s the best player in all the land, in no way a choker
The guy has done it all this year, averaged 26 & 11
Having a big man like that on your team must feel like absolute heaven

Bad news for the MVP, his team is playing the Suns
Denver is down three games to nil, looking all but done
The Nuggets need a miracle, to advance over Phoenix
Looking into Denver’s future, it’s all crying and Kleenex

As of writing this afternoon, all other series are 2-1
Jazz & Clips, Sixers & Hawks, Nets & Bucks, all fun
The Bucks stole one at home Thursday, otherwise have looked bad
Scary injuries for Embiid and Spider, Philly and Utah need their launch pads