NFL

Bryce Young Has Some Free Time

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Photo: The Charlotte Observer

After another, uh, subpar afternoon for Bryce Young, the team announced this morning that he will be benched.

Last year’s number one overall pick will give way to Andy Dalton moving forward. So, what should Bryce do with his free time?

  • Focus on the Future: keep things positive. Don’t dwell on the past successes, only envision the good things that lay ahead. If there’s one thing Young has that every QB needs, it’s a short memory.
  • Play Monopoly: not just playing the board game, which usually does kill a lot of time. Bryce can also participate interactively as the thimble game piece.
  • Deep Cleaning: it’s always a good time to tidy up the house; while he may need some help with the rest of the house, if Young can get on his tippy toes he could get his baseboards shimmering in no time.
  • Jockey: a potential career change, and would be in plenty of time to make next May’s Kentucky Derby.
  • Ratatouille: a great way to keep in the game, Bryce would have more than enough room in The Red Rifle’s helmet to get in game visual reps.

This benching is surely only a small bump in the road for what will turn into a giant career for Bryce Young. We won’t sell him short; he will reach heights he never thought possible. The future wins will dwarf this teeny-weeny setback.

Chiefs. Ravens. Collision Course.

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Photo: Arrowhead Pride

Football is back. We’ve got Chiefs & Ravens on Thursday Night Football, and it’s time to teach Grandma and Grandpa how to get to Peacock.

What’s your favorite part about football season? Is it having your plans automatically set for Thursday, Friday, and 12 hours of your Saturdays and Sundays? Shit talking other fanbases on Twitter? How about a legitimate reason to start boozing at noon?

There’s no wrong answer.

I’ve never been one to wish summer away; but it’s starting to feel chilly in the mornings and that should get any football fan’s engine revving. Sweatshirts, blankets, and ditching your iced coffee are right around the corner…don’t be sad that summer’s over, smile because football season is happening.

So make sure to iron your alumni polos, dust off that jersey that only sees the light of day from September though January, and lock in for the next sixth months in which your happiness will be determined by a brown lemon shaped ball crossing a white line.

Football. Is. Back.

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Photo: Houston Texans

The Bears. The Texans. Tyson Bagent. Davis Mills.

Football is back.

The NFL preseason officially kicks off tonight in Canton, Ohio with the annual Hall of Fame game. While we likely won’t see a single starter tonight; we will still see helmets, a football, and grass. For now, that’s enough.

The Bears and Texans will actually be a legitimately fun matchup when they play each other in week two of the regular season. However, tonight will be a preview of next week’s Hard Knocks. No Caleb Williams, no CJ Stroud, no DJ Moore, no Stefon Diggs.

If you’re a real degenerate sicko, the Bears are currently a 1.5 point favorite with an O/U of 30.5. The corporate fat cats at FanDuel and DraftKings won’t let us be great and bet player props, but if you’re really itching, the spread and totals will have to do. I personally have faith in you cashing in, responsibly of course.

Welcome back, football (betting).

Where is Aaron Rodgers?

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Photo: Wisconsin Sports Heroics

Aaron Rodgers is an unexcused absence from Jets minicamp today. Coach Robert Saleh claims the 40 year old was not at camp due to an event that was “important to him.”

So…where is he?

Hard to tell; in the last few years, Rodgers, who was forever known as a fairly boring interview who kept things close to the chest, has absolutely opened himself up to the public. For better or for worse, we now know what this guy’s all about.

Maybe he just needed a shot of ayahuasca for a one day trip. Perhaps he is considering a fourth party candidate to team up with for this year’s election. Is he finalizing a celebrity boxing match with Dr. Fauci? Does he need to take a break after realizing his anti Big Pharma stance has zero legitimacy since he chose to work for the heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune?

There is nothing wrong with professional athletes having interests outside of their sport. Those who do are probably better off then those who don’t. So really, this isn’t a big deal.

But will we make fun of it? Of course.

Hey NFL, Cut the Shit

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Photo: Biggest Decal Shop

Despite all of us knowing 99% of it, the NFL schedule release is technically tonight.

The National Football League continues to give us fans a breadcrumb here, a flirty tweet there, just knowing we’ll lap everything up like a dog at its bowl after a long walk.

Well, we’ve had enough.

No issues making a huge deal out of the schedule release. But stop with the single game releases a week in advance. The London games are fine, just don’t dedicate an entire day to just telling us who’s playing there. I swear, we’ll all be just as excited for Bengals/Chiefs week one if you release it with the other 17 weeks all at the same time.

Also, we’re now getting an “offseason” version of Hard Knocks with the Giants. Do we really need to know what Daniel Jones is doing in early June? HBO usually knows what it’s doing with their programming, but Brian Daboll renewing his car registration might not be must see TV.

We were in a real groove, NFL. Just give us one schedule release, one Hard Knocks, one simplified plan where we all can keep up with what you already know we’re going to gobble up.

While we’re at it, just tell us who Tom Brady’s signing with for a playoff run this year.

Apparently, Justin Fields is Now Devin Hester

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Photo: ESPN

Some absolute bananas “news” out of Pittsburgh this morning. 

The Pittsburgh Steelers, as confirmed by running back Jaylen Warren, are considering using recently acquired quarterback Justin Fields as a punt returner. 

Punt. Returner. 

As if this man hasn’t been boned (pause) enough; what was meant to be his fresh start with a patient, quarterback rich organization, quickly has become a circus. 

The Bears made the right choice in dealing Fields and going with Caleb Williams, for a number of reasons. Even so, they absolutely LOADED UP the second he was gone. More help than Fields ever had during his three years in Chicago. Just have to imagine it stings a little bit seeing your old team put the pedal to the medal from afar.

But the guy gets a new team who has done a lot of winning, and it almost immediately turns into a freak show. Even if this ends up not being true, the fact that he is continually treated as a pawn has to be incredibly frustrating.

Justin Jefferson is Free Agency’s Biggest Winner

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Photo: Sports Illustrated

NFL Free Agency has been a tornado inside of a volcano wrapped in an atom bomb the past 36 hours.

New players are everywhere, but there’s only been one clear winner…Justin Jefferson.

Since we’re still in the hilariously named “legal tampering” period, not everything is official. What is official can be found here.

What’s not official, AKA how much the Vikings are CRUSHING this offseason, is outlined below.

  • Cut a 25 year old Alex Mattison to replace him with a 29 year old Aaron Jones. A 29 year old Aaron Jones with 1,449 career touches compared to Mattison’s 684.

  • Re-signed the below STUDS:
    • Theo Jackson: special teams extraordinaire
    • Nick Muse: a seventh round TE
    • Johnny Mundt: another TE who has taken the league by storm, racking up 312 yards and two touchdowns (in the past two seasons combined)
    • David Quessenberry & Blake Brandel: two stalwarts of the Vikings offensive line who combined for a dominating nine starts last season

Safe to say Justin Jefferson has to be feeling *reallly, really* good about the direction of the organization. There is no doubt in my, and surely Vikings fans everywhere, minds that he’ll be ready to sign a mega extension to be in Minnesota for the remainder of his career upon his free agency next year.

NFLPA Report Cards are Out and THE SHADE

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Photo: Pro Football Talk

The NFLPA does a lot of good things, but their yearly report card might be the best.

The one time each year that players get to anonymously eviscerate their teams without worry. The 2024 edition is finally here, and there is some SHADE.

Treatment of Families

“F” grades: Bengals, Chargers, Patriots, Steelers, Buccaneers, Commanders.

We should not be surprised the Commanders received a “F” in anything.

“A” grades: Cowboys, Dolphins, Vikings, 49ers.

The Cowboys nail this one because I assume Jerry Jones hits on every single mom that comes around.

Food/Cafeteria

“F” grades: Bengals, Chargers, Saints

Of course the Bengals failed this; OF COURSE.

“A” grades: Texans, Dolphins, Eagles, 49ers

The Eagles had to up their food game after drafting Jordan Davis this year.

Nutritionist/Dietician

“F” grades: Bengals, Chiefs

I know Double Jeopardy is illegal, but I support the Bengals being charged twice.

“A” grades: Falcons, Texans, Raiders, Dolphins, Vikings

A true representation of Josh McDaniels’ time in Las Vegas.

Locker Room

“F” grades: Cardinals, Falcons, Chiefs, Chargers, Steelers, Commanders

Falcons have failed this every year since they built their sphincter stadium.

“A” grades: Bears, Cowboys, Jaguars, Raiders, Dolphins, Vikings

Again, Josh McDaniels has always been a perfect locker room guy.

Training Room

“F” grade: Commanders

The Commies are the only team to receive a failing grade in this category, and we’re always here for anything that further confirms Dan Snyder being a human puddle of garbage water.

“A” grades: Jaguars, Dolphins, Vikings

The Dolphins deserve this A for somehow managing to get Tua to play all 17 games this season.

Training Staff

“F” grades: Chiefs, Commanders

The only time the Chiefs and Commanders will be uttered in the same breath.

“A” grades: Panthers, Falcons, Dolphins, Giants, Eagles

Only two of these teams made the playoffs; are training staffs even important?

Shoutout to the NFLPA for allowing the boys to anonymously spill the tea every year, and shoutout to the Dolphins for getting A’s in every single category. More importantly, shoutout to the Commanders for locking down four out of six F’s.

The Commanders Got Their Dan

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Photo: NBC Sports

Dan Quinn is your new Washington Commanders head coach.

The news seems to be being received with a collective…”meh.”

This hiring cycle may have been the greatest collection of candidate pools we’ll ever see: Bill Belichick, John Harbaugh, Mike Vrabel, Vic Fangio, and of course…Josh McDaniels.

The Commanders seemed to have been a lock for the highly-coveted Ben Johnson, who decided he’d rather remain in Detroit than lead the Commies. Thus, a retread head coach who did make a Super Bowl…and that’s all we’ll say about that.

So, a bit of a let down for Commander fans. Going from one of the hottest candidates in the game to Dan Quinn.

This is flat out a rough look for a franchise who was trying to start fresh with a new ownership group. Tough not hiring Cain and settling for Abel; giving the head job to Ron Harper when you almost had Michael Jordan; bringing in blue cheese when you could’ve had ranch…it just doesn’t feel completely right.

A Factual List of Currently Employed Coaches After The Titans Fired Mike Vrabel

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Photo: Music City Miracles

The Titans fired Mike Vrabel today, a shock in the NFL coaching carousel not a lot of us saw coming.

Vrabel’s easily a top 10 coach; many teams would fire their current head coach right now and replace them with Vrabes if they could. Because of agents, contracts, etc., that unfortunately cannot happen.

What can happen, however, is provide a factual list of coaches who are still currently employed at the time of publishing of this blog.

That’s right: Giff Smith, while interim, is still indeed employed by the Chargers. Human bowling ball Brian Daboll is on the payroll. Matt Eberflus might just be hiding under the radar with all of the decisions the Bears have to make this offseason. Dennis Allen is still with the Saints, unless Jamies Winston decides otherwise. Finally, yes, even though his team is currently in the playoffs, Todd Bowles is still gainfully employed.

This is simply a list of still employed coaches, just a randomly selected bunch of guys who are current leaders of organizations in the NFL, unlike Mike Vrabel.

Football is weird.