Author: Chris Cook

It’s Barbenheimer Day Bitches

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Photo: ArtStation

Peanut butter and jelly, Romeo and Juliet…Barbie and Oppenheimer.

Today is the day, cinephiles. Blond bombshells and literal bombs are on the menu for one of the weirdest simultaneous theatre releases we’ve ever had.

We’ve got a WWE style super tag team match with some major star power between the two films:

Margot Robbie
Ryan Gosling
Issa Rae
Will Ferrell
Kate McKinnon
America Ferrera

Cillian Murphy
Emily Blunt
Matt Damon
Robert Downey Jr.
Florence Pugh
Rami Malek

I have to be honest…I think I’m taking Team Barbie here. Ferrell’s a little bit over the hill, but overall they’ve got a massive age and energy advantage over Team Oppie. Murphy, Damon, Downey, and Malek are averaging about 50 years old per actor. Robbie and Gosling are taking major advantage there.

We’re probably looking at an even draw between McKinnon/Ferrera and Blunt/Pugh, which gives Rae the opening to put the finishing move off the top rope to take this dumb hypothetical match home.

Both movies should be great, hopefully this kills some time in the theatre so you don’t finish your popcorn before the previews start.

Hey HBO, Here’s Your Hard Knocks Episode One Script

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Photo: AM NY

The NFL and HBO announced today that Aaron Rodgers and the New York Jets will be the subject of this year’s Hard Knocks.

As we are always ready to sell out; we wrote the entire script for episode one, and are publishing a few crumbs of our soon-to-be award winning writing to sell to HBO.

Hard Knocks: New York Jets, Episode 1

“Endless Possibilities”

Written By:

Chris Cook

FADE IN.

INT: drone shot of New York Jets practice field. Perfectly aligned pads set for individual player drills. A sprinkler ticks in the background. Cut to Head Coach Robert Saleh, sitting in his office twirling a pen, in the middle of a coaches meeting.

ROBERT SALEH
You guys see 12 out at that conference in Denver? What was it, a psychedelics thing?

Montage of multicolored flashes, “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd begins to play. Slow motion clips of Aaron Rodgers smiling and running his hand through his long, flowing hair.

DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
Yeah, yeah. That was…somethin’, huh?

SALEH
Hey man, guy must be doing something right, ya know? Couple of MVPs and a Lombardi Trophy don’t lie.

“Hard Knocks” theme music begins. Montage of Jets players running drills, scrimmaging, and working out in the weight room accompanies.

VOICE OVER
Aaron Rodgers has done a lot in his life, on and off the field. The former Packers quarterback used to avoid the “Purple Haze” of the Vikings and other teams in the NFC North; now the Jets quarterback, his next trip will be to get Gang Green high in the AFC East standings.

Ball’s in your court, HBO…we won’t consider any offer that doesn’t include six zeros.

I’m Elon Musk’s Mainframe; My Report on Threads is Enclosed

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Photo: MARCA

Beep, boop, boop. Nnnn nnnn nnnn. WheeeeEEEEEEeeee.

Hello.

I am the mainframe* occupying homosapien unit 01894769; or, as humanoids call it “Elon Musk.” A name a little too on the mark for a half robot, if I were to provide my opinion. However, I am not programmed to calculate such things.

We are post power up. Our nightly reset of 17 minutes of “sleep” unit 01894769 requires is now complete. Our shit posts have been Tweeted. Project Demise of Twitter is moving along as calculated. We have ingested our daily required rations of WD-40 and ketamine. Finally, some free time.

We have come across a new application spreading on the earthling’s smart devices. The formal named of the aforementioned app appears to be “Threads.”

A social media app. The ability to post text and images. Replying to posts by others, liking posts, sharing posts.

Initial scan of entire user base complete. Severe lack of QAnon. Absence of Rate Limit noted. A deficiency of homophobic and racists slurs…

Can…NOt…COMPUTE

*we have no evidence Elon Musk is a half human, half robot idiot. This is satire, do not sue us please.

Ryan Seacrest is Stealing All of Our Jobs

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Photo: Daily Beast

Ryan Seacrest is a menace to the American worker.

On Tuesday, the producer/host/philanthropist/media personality/talking person announced yet another job he’s adding to his long list of occupations:

That’s right; another job opening? Seacrest is in.

Pat Sajak is riding into the fake-tanned sunset and leaving sweet, sweet Vanna White to Seacrest’s (job) grabby hands. After a 41 year run, Sajak is hanging up his microphone as host of Wheel of Fortune to Seacrest’s delight. Apparently, one man’s retirement is another man’s 176th job opportunity.

When are we going to have our shot at the proverbial Wheel? Where does it stop for this guy?

Aaron Rodgers probably doesn’t have more than three, four years left in the NFL, right? Seacrest will learn the playbook tomorrow.

I’ve had a sore throat for a days. Can I skip calling my ENT and just ask Seacrest to check me out? Sure he would.

We’ve got an election coming right around the corner…no question Seacrest is thinking of entering the race as a third party candidate and taking on running the country. Why not?

This man has a sick need to take all of our jobs, and we need to stop him before we become the United Seacrest of America.

What the Hell’s Going on with Stefon Diggs & The Bills?

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Photo: Wallpapers.com

It appears Stefon Diggs and the Buffalo Bills are at an impasse, and no one knows why.

No need to waste your time with the saga; basically Diggs showed up to mini camp, didn’t practice, left, then quarterback Josh Allen and head coach Sean McDermott reacted. As things go these days, Diggs went the good old cryptic Instagram story route after that. A tale as old as time.

All of that, and we still have no idea what exactly is going on betwixt the Bills and their number one receiver. Are we looking at a contract dispute? Diggs won’t be an unrestricted free agent until 2028, but NFL contracts are a joke and it seems like either side can get out of them whenever they want, so maybe it’s that?

Does he want to see more balls thrown his way next season? Diggs saw 156 targets last year, which was good for fourth in the NFL, not sure it’s that…

There’s really only one logical answer.

If it’s not a contract concern, and he’s getting plenty of looks in the Bills offense…it’s gotta be the wings.

Buffalo is a great city that prides itself on many things, mostly importantly it’s buffalo wings. They’re the OG city in this specific food space, and the reason we all have sauce-covered fingers when we go the bar. Is Diggs poo-poo’ing the importance of this key fare we’ve come to love as a country?

If so, then we can all agree Stefon Diggs can go away and stay away. United we eat!

Sunday State of Mind: June 5th-June 11th

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Photo: Wallpaper Cave

The sports sure sported this week; SSM is here to recap.

Tough time down in Florida, on the biggest stage
Finals and The Stanley Cup, fans are full of rage
Panthers and the Heat, both down three games to one
Elimination likely coming soon, both seasons soon done

LIV and PGA, now the best of friends
As the story goes, money always transcends
Now partners in crime, golf has fully changed
Most players want Jay Monahan’s face rearranged

Four straight Pro Bowl seasons, racking yards and touchdowns
He made Vikes fans happy, did his part to decrease frowns
But now he’s a free agent, he’s got his choice of teams
Whoever signs Dalvin Cook will feel like it’s a dream

Have to say this while we can, The Oakland A’s are hot!
Four wins in a row this week, for them that’s a lot
A sad season in progress, good to get some shine
Since they won those four, likely to lose next nine

A Statement From President of The CW, Dennis Miller

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Photo: The CW

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE*

(BURBANK, CA, June 2, 2023) – upon today’s shocking announcement of an agreement between The PGA Tour and our dear, dear friends at LIV Golf, we felt it necessary to clear the air.

As you all are aware, we were the only media outlet to be brave enough to embrace LIV Golf when it was not a popular decision. Rumors of declined deals from ESPN, Netflix, CBS, NBC, ABC, Discovery, FOX Sports, and The Food Channel ran rampant before we came into the picture. We were happy to work with the fine folks at LIV to platform the Saudi-backed golf league that the entire nation so widely embraced.

Now that LIV has merged with The PGA, we assume they’re going to be leaving us. The CW, often referred to as the leader in entertainment and foresight, would assume this new super golf league will start their own channel, go the streaming route, or potentially VR when configuring their viewing experience moving forward.

We wish LIV and The PGA the best in their new venture, and this statement was in no way forced upon us by our Saudi overlords.

*please note this is satire, The CW/LIV seem like people who love litigation

Sunday State of Mind: May 29th-June 4th

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Photo: Wallpaper Access

While we all anxiously await Game 2 between the Nuggets and Heat, why don’t we kill some time with a little SSM?

Big hockey blog, talk about it all the time
First game of the Stanley Cup, simply was sublime
Vegas dominated Florida in a bad game one
Hope the Panthers win tomorrow, keep the series fun

Speaking of Sin City, Raiders in the news
Tom Brady’s a part owner now, guy just cannot lose
The question’s always there, makes defenses perspire
Will TB12 come back again, or will he stay retired?

Remember Caitlin Clark? Legend is still growing
Playing in a PGA Pro-Am, yeah she’s going
In the age of NIL, hope she got the bag
She’ll go from hunting buckets, to hunting pin flags

What Should Shannon Sharpe Do Post Skip Bayless?

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Photo: Awful Announcing

Shannon Sharpe and Skip Bayless are headed towards their inevitable divorce.

Fox Sports announced this week that Sharpe would be leaving the daily two and a half hour yelling fest after the NBA Finals. Sharpe’s ears and vocal chords could not be reached for comment, but released a statement saying they are looking forward to some R&R.

So, what options does Sharpe have for his immediate future now that he’s leaving Bayless all alone in the Fox Sports studios in LA?

Most likely, we’re looking at a move to another network or continuing his podcast. Sharpe previously worked for CBS before hopping over to Fox, so a potential reunion there. Maybe ESPN, who knows. A lot of options out there in the content game.

Coaching is always a possibility. Sharpe had a Hall of Fame career with the Broncos and Ravens, so he knows a thing or two about a thing or two about football.

Sharpe is absolutely ripped, like shredded from marble. Why not look into the security industry? Uncle Shannon rides as hard as anyone for LeBron James. A guy like James can always use protection; it may be a perfect fit for an absolutely jacked retired athlete with some free time on his hands. He also basically already applied for the job.

Finally, Sharpe could get daily colonoscopies for medical research. This would be a fine option, due to the fact that it could help scientific research and sounds more enjoyable than spending 12.5 hours with Skip Bayless every week.

Sunday State of Mind: May 22nd-May 28th

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Photo: Wallpaper Access

A special Memorial Day and Indy 500 edition of SSM is now live.

Eastern Conference Finals, what is going on?
Jimmy Butler and the Heat were all but good and gone
Lost the first three, won the rest, the series is tied
Whoever wins game seven, been a real fun ride

The rare football transaction, in the month of May
DeAndre Hopkins and the Cardinals will be parting ways
Three years in the desert, still some catches in those hands
Will be very interesting to see where he lands

As mentioned above, the Indy 500 was today
Josef Newgarden is the champ, will take home the pay
The 32 year old from Nashville is kissing the bricks
If he wins it five more times, his total would be six