Football is back. We’ve got Chiefs & Ravens on Thursday Night Football, and it’s time to teach Grandma and Grandpa how to get to Peacock.
What’s your favorite part about football season? Is it having your plans automatically set for Thursday, Friday, and 12 hours of your Saturdays and Sundays? Shit talking other fanbases on Twitter? How about a legitimate reason to start boozing at noon?
There’s no wrong answer.
I’ve never been one to wish summer away; but it’s starting to feel chilly in the mornings and that should get any football fan’s engine revving. Sweatshirts, blankets, and ditching your iced coffee are right around the corner…don’t be sad that summer’s over, smile because football season is happening.
So make sure to iron your alumni polos, dust off that jersey that only sees the light of day from September though January, and lock in for the next sixth months in which your happiness will be determined by a brown lemon shaped ball crossing a white line.
Despite all of us knowing 99% of it, the NFL schedule release is technically tonight.
The National Football League continues to give us fans a breadcrumb here, a flirty tweet there, just knowing we’ll lap everything up like a dog at its bowl after a long walk.
Well, we’ve had enough.
No issues making a huge deal out of the schedule release. But stop with the single game releases a week in advance. The London games are fine, just don’t dedicate an entire day to just telling us who’s playing there. I swear, we’ll all be just as excited for Bengals/Chiefs week one if you release it with the other 17 weeks all at the same time.
Also, we’re now getting an “offseason” version of Hard Knocks with the Giants. Do we really need to know what Daniel Jones is doing in early June? HBO usually knows what it’s doing with their programming, but Brian Daboll renewing his car registration might not be must see TV.
We were in a real groove, NFL. Just give us one schedule release, one Hard Knocks, one simplified plan where we all can keep up with what you already know we’re going to gobble up.
While we’re at it, just tell us who Tom Brady’s signing with for a playoff run this year.
The NFLPA does a lot of good things, but their yearly report card might be the best.
The one time each year that players get to anonymously eviscerate their teams without worry. The 2024 edition is finally here, and there is some SHADE.
Again, Josh McDaniels has always been a perfect locker room guy.
Training Room
“F” grade: Commanders
The Commies are the only team to receive a failing grade in this category, and we’re always here for anything that further confirms Dan Snyder being a human puddle of garbage water.
“A” grades: Jaguars, Dolphins, Vikings
The Dolphins deserve this A for somehow managing to get Tua to play all 17 games this season.
Training Staff
“F” grades: Chiefs, Commanders
The only time the Chiefs and Commanders will be uttered in the same breath.
Only two of these teams made the playoffs; are training staffs even important?
Shoutout to the NFLPA for allowing the boys to anonymously spill the tea every year, and shoutout to the Dolphins for getting A’s in every single category. More importantly, shoutout to the Commanders for locking down four out of six F’s.
A pretty damning Wednesday at Halas Hall as outlined by Bears beat (Battlestar Galactica) writer Dan Wiederer’s Twitter timeline this afternoon. If you’re too lazy to click that link, here are a few highlights:
Starting left tackle Braxton Jones is heading to IR with a potentially season-ending neck injury.
No one knows who the fuck the actual defensive coordinator is now or moving forward.
When asked about the reason behind his thus far “robotic” play, Justin Fields said “coaching.”
Well at least they have a nice easy matchup coming up Sunday…
Against the Chiefs…
In Kansas City.
But it can’t really be that bad in Chicago, right?
Who cares if, as an organization, you’ve only made the playoffs six times in the last 28 years. It shouldn’t matter that the highest your offense has ranked since 2019 is 22nd. In that same period, a franchise with heavy hitters like Brian Urlacher, Dick Butkus, and Mike Singletary…the highest defensive ranking has been 15th.
Some more bright spots? The best quarterback in the Bears’ 103 year history is Jay Cutler! Of the top five leading receivers of all-time, one of them came after the year 1987! Your all-time leading scorer is a kicker who hasn’t worn your uniform in eight years!
So chin up, Bear Down, and go shock the world Sunday…no way facing Patrick Mahomes at home will be a disaster.
We have sadly reached the end of football season, with the Chiefs beating the Eagles in Super Bowl XVII.
A rhythmic retelling of the game (and Rihanna) in this week’s SSM.
Eagles started early, Jalen sneak for six Chiefs came back quick, Kelce got his fix First quarter jitters didn’t seam real Start your beers, chips and dip, Super Bowl meal
Huge second quarter, points all around Eagles scored thrice, whole roster is sound Scoop and score for KC, only bright spot here Mahomes ankle twisted, major Chiefs fans fear
Riri came and did it, awesome halftime show Hadn’t played in several years, you would never know Debuted a little baby bump, that was the surprise Awesome to have Rihanna back in front of our eyes
Second half started, Patrick came right back Long touchdown drive, was his ankle cracked? Not much in the third quarter for Fly Eagles Fly One more quarter left this year, makes us want to cry
Kadarius Toney’s fourth quarter was bright Tuddy and a punt return, Chiefs a comeback fight Kudos to KC, another Super Bowl Two now for Mahomes, guy is on a roll
Last Saturday, we all saw Patrick Mahomes get bent in a way no normal human being should. If not, see the work of art above from the fine folks at Larry Brown Sports.
It was gross, we all cringed, and hoped we didn’t just see the end of Mahomes’ season. Somehow, he’s a super human freak and came back one one and a half legs and lead the Chiefs to the AFC Championship game.
The official diagnosis seems to be a high ankle sprain, which are three words no athlete wants to hear. But this is Patrick Mahomes we’re talking about. The aforementioned super human freak, who could maybe win this Sunday with zero legs if needed.
Because of that, we are here to rank the top body parts even sweet Patrick will need this weekend:
5. Ankle
This thing got bent so bad it caused a national shortage of medical tape.
If Mahomes wants to have any level of mobility in the pocket this weekend, that ankle needs to be somewhere near normal.
4. Elbow
We all know he can launch a football 175 yards with a flick of the wrist.
If the ankle’s not going to be a full go, he needs that right elbow there to utilize his arm strength.
3. Eyes
Mahomes has been lauded for his ability to see.
This leads to our number three most important body part, as he’ll need his eyes to see where he’s going against a tough Bengals defense.
2. Head
An extension of the eyes, Mahomes will need to make sure his head is attached to his torso if he wants to get to the Super Bowl.
As the old saying goes “need your head to get this bread, fam.”
1. Nuts
As we’ve come to learn since Mahomes has been in the league; this dude has big ‘ol cajones.
He can do it all, all the time. The testicular fortitude on this man is already Hall of Fame level, and he needs to lug those stones into Arrowhead Stadium to advance this weekend.
The body is a temple, and Patrick Mahomes’ is feeling a little rough at the moment. If he indeed brings all of the above, the rematch of last year’s AFC Championship against Joe Burrow and them boys is going to be a thriller.
Chiefs, Eagles, Bengals, 49ers win; Jaguars, Giants, Bills, and Cowboys lose. SSM reviews the NFL Divisional Round.
Started out in KC, a scary injury Mahomes got folded up weird, seemed to hurt his knee It was a ankle sprain, says he’ll play next week Jags lost to the Chiefs but their future isn’t bleak
One blowout this weekend, an NFC East bout Eagles railed the Giants, really left no doubt Danny Dimes was bad, Jalen Hurts was good The one seed in the NFC playing just like they should
Bengals and the Bills, snow globe in Buffalo One QB was on his game and that was Joe Burrow A rematch with the Chiefs for a trip to Arizona Talking grad school NFL, winner gets a diploma
An all-time uni matchup, 49ers and Cowboys Brock Purdy did it again with his offense full of toys Next one on the docket, big one against the Eagles Football was so good this weekend it should be illegal
In a world where no one can agree on anything, if there are two things we as Americans can get close to seeing eye to eye on is our love for pizza and football.
On Tuesday afternoon, Eagles coach Nick Sirianni brought these two magical worlds together with the below clip:
Millionaire NFL coaches…they’re just like us! Just a couple a coworkers getting together, flipping on the game, and firing up an order for some stuffed crust from the Hut.
Which of course begs the question…if each of the remaining coaches left in the NFL were pizza toppings, what would they be?
Nick Sirianni/Brian Daboll – Pepperoni & Sausage
Sirianni’s the pep, and Daboll is clearly the sausage in this scenario.
A good old fashioned NFC East matchup that we can rely on to fulfill our appetite for good playoff football.
Andy Reid/Doug Pederson – Cheeseburger & Kielbasa
Old buddies getting together when the Chiefs take on the Jags this weekend.
We all know Coach Reid loves his cheeseburgers, and Pederson just seems like a guy who likes to say “kielbasa” when he orders.
Mike McCarthy/Kyle Shanahan – Bacon & Arugula
It’s hard to find a pairing where both coaches seem to be at the total opposite ends of the spectrum. Well, here we are.
McCarthy seems like a guy to double or triple up the pig toppings, while Shanahan has big “let’s get some ‘za, but try and keep it as clean as possible” energy.
If you’re not a Bengals, Jaguars, Chargers, Ravens, or Dolphins fan, odds are that you’re hoping to see the Bills and Chiefs play in the AFC Championship Game.
Mahomes v. Allen, Bills Mafia v. Chiefs Kingdom, McDermott vs. Big Red Andy Reid; this matchup would have the most storylines by far of any AFC pairing we as football fans could get for a shot to go to the Super Bowl.
Well, it appears if our collective dreams are answered, there’ll be one more: the game will be played in the most logical place of all, Atlanta.
Yes, beautiful Atlanta. The A. The Dirty. Home of the NFC South’s own Falcons who haven’t seen the playoffs in six years. Whose most memorable postseason is still meme’d to death almost a decade later.
There has to be one of the dozens of Falcon fans out there that really hopes this potential AFC Championship game being held in their stadium is going to brainwash the internet into forgetting that the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead against the Patriots. If you are that person and are reading this, please reach out to chris@untimeddown.com; I would love to speak with you and get inside your brain.
For now, let’s all enjoy Super Wild Card Weekend and root for the Dolphins not to pull the biggest upset in playoff history by beating the Bills on Saturday. Because if they do, all of this Atlanta mess will be for not and me writing and you reading this blog will have been a massive waste of time.
The NFL Playoffs are officially set. There were other sports happenings as well; and it’s all here in this week’s SSM.
Can only start in one place, and that’s Damar Hamlin A terrible event to start, but something good begins The response took our breaths away, honors and donations It showed the power of kindness has no limitations
AFC and NFC, both top seeds are set Philly and Kansas City, two offenses like jets Both great quarterbacks, defenses are strong too Chiefs would be and old story, but Eagles would be new
On the other end, those Chicago Bears Worst team in the league, falling down the stairs Took their 14th loss of the season on the chin But got the number one pick, so kind of a win
Hottest team in the NBA, place your Finals bets Won 13 of 14, those pesky Brooklyn Nets The boys are on a roll more than halfway through the season Surely no way anything will change, no way for no reason
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