NBA

Is Derrick Rose the Greatest Plant Name in Sports?

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: LALSOFT

Derrick Rose announced his retirement today. The youngest MVP in NBA history has called it a career after 15 seasons with the Bulls, Knicks, Cavaliers, Timberwolves, Pistons, and Grizzlies.

The only thing that may have surpassed his athleticism is his name. But does he have the best botanical name in sports? Let’s dig in.

Basil McRae – played 18 seasons in the NHL, recording 52 goals and 83 assists.

Bud Adams – former owner of the Tennessee Titans.

Jasmine Jones – fourth place finisher in the 2024 Olympic 400 meter hurdles.

Ted Lilly – won 130 games, career ERA of 4.14.

Clover – the 2024 NBA champion Boston Celtics.

The Masters Azaleas – beautiful.

Pretty clear cut here. The seeds of interest have lead us down this interesting road, but our opinion here is pretty deep rooted. Derrick Rose is one of the greatest “what ifs” stories in sports, but we won’t make this blog too sappy. So, we wish a happy retirement to Pooh.

Joe Mazzulla Continues to be a Nutjob

Chris Cook, , Leave a comment

Photo: Associated Press

Joe Mazzulla is a NBA Championship coach, that is a fact. Joe Mazzulla is also a crazy person, both can be true.

On the Locked On Celtics podcast, Mazzulla was asked a variant of the “how do you defend your title?” question that every single championship coach has been asked in the history of sports. But our boy is not one for coach speak, no no no. Joey Mazz decided to give us this gem:

This man is a national treasure. He’s so weird you can’t be mad at him.

He works hard, he does not hardly work. He takes lemonade and makes lemons. He makes chicken shit out of chicken salad.

The only ice cream Joe Mazzulla will eat is Rocky Road because he’s so god damn gritty. When the countertops at his house get dusty, don’t you dare offer a rag and a bottle of Pledge. Coach will take a swig of lukewarm water and spit shine those bad boys. Money’s always a concern these days…that’s why Mazzulla still balances his checkbook.

As long as this man is leading the Boston Celtics, I don’t see any reason they can’t repeat as champions. I only say “as long as,” because there’s a non zero chance that if Mazzulla discovers something he finds more difficult than repeating as NBA champions, he might just quit and go do that.

Bronny James’ REAL Scouting Report

Chris Cook, , , Leave a comment

Photo: ESPN & Sportskeeda

The clear cut top NBA Draft prospect, Bronny James, is rightfully turning down pre draft workouts.

For the peasant NBA teams who our next basketball deity doesn’t have time for, we decided to do our good deed for the day and provide his real, legitimate scouting report.

Let’s start with the (un)official measurements: 7 feet, 6 inches, 375 pounds (0.002% body fat), and a 12 foot, 3 inch wingspan. His vertical jump came in at 18 feet, 4 inches, he clocked in his 3/4 court sprint time of 1.2 seconds. Finally, he had to simply stop his bench press test after continually repping out for three hours.

As good of a prospect as he is on the court, Bronny excels even more off of it. He never bricks a shot, instead saving them to aid infrastructure; despite wearing size 28 shoes, his carbon footprint is tiny; and he was (erroneously, in our opinion) the second choice in 2013 when Pope Francis was elected.

Not that anyone needs convincing, but this kid is worth the hype. Whoever is lucky enough to get Bronny James has the inside track at besting the 2016 Warriors 73-9 record not only next season, but for the next 25-35 seasons to come.

Blink-182: I Miss You (Jimmy’s Version)

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment


Photo: Heat Nation & IMDB

For an immersive experience, please click here if on a laptop or turn on Blink-182’s I Miss You on Spotify before you begin reading.

Hello, there
Dame Lillard’s now my nightmare
The Herro that I play now with is forced
I wish I could evict him
But for now we will rally
Media day we dilly dally ’cause we want
I’m still selling my coffee
Do we play Halloween or Christmas?
Before the Finals, season probably ends
Our season probably ends

I miss Strus, I miss Strus
I miss Strus, I miss Strus

Team’s askew
And I’m so sorry
I hit threes deep, carry my team tonight
I need UD and PJ
This mid range darkness
Comes creeping on, still wanting some Dame Time
And as I stare, I counted
The Woj Bomb overnighters
Chasing rings and Instagram replies
Hoping our team is not screwed
Have a surprising season
Will two come home, help us stop Dame tonight?
Help us stop Dame tonight

Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)

I miss Strus, I miss Strus
I miss Strus, I miss Strus

Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)

The World is Ending: Magic Johnson Had a Hot Take

Chris Cook, , , , Leave a comment

Photo: CNN

There are reminders everyday that the world’s ending; political unrest, climate change, Elon Musk being a real person.

It’s all around us and it’s blatantly obvious; our world is on fire and we’re just riding the wave until we crash.

Not that we need any more convincing, but we had another overtly apocalyptic event occur Thursday: Magic Johnson had a legitimate hot take.

If you’re unfamiliar with what’s typically running through Magic’s beautiful bald head, it’s generally stuff like this:

Or…

And finally…

I know, pretty deep stuff. But Magic decided to actually say something real on the Zach Gelb show when asked if Steph Curry was the GOAT point guard in NBA history:

Photo: Bleacher Report on Twitter

I could give two shits about any GOAT debate, I think it’s the bane of worthwhile sports conversation’s existence. I’m just happy for Magic showing all of us that he isn’t actually a driod who tweets out what he’s watching and sea salt popcorn.

1989 (Sports Version)

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: TMZ

Unless you live under a rock under a mega yacht under a skyscraper, you know Taylor Swift announced 1989 (Taylor’s Version) is on the way.

T-Swift, as her friends call her, is well known for the Easter eggs she loves to drop. With that in mind, what sports takes from the soon to be re-released song titles is Taylor giving us?

All You Had to Do Was Stay

Is TS taking the side of Bill Belichick in the Tom Brady divorce? We all had an opinion of who was right and wrong here, she does too.

TB12 went on to win a Super Bowl without BB, but it sounds like TS wanted TB and BB to be together forever…can’t blame her for believing in love, folks.

Wildest Dreams

One of the greatest sports photos of all-time; Muhammad Ali (then still Cassius Clay) upset Sonny Liston as a 8-1 underdog.

A fine tribute by one of today’s biggest entertainers to one of the most polarizing athletes and performers in history.

Bad Blood

Who doesn’t remember the Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton story?

A nice throwback by Tay Tay to teammates casually pulling loaded guns on each other in the actual locker room.

Blank Space

Taylor’s pretty New York adjacent; and for her to take the time to write and dedicate an entire song to former Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning’s face is a touching tribute.

Out of the Woods

In 2016, the Chicago Cubs broke their 108 year World Series drought lead by Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, and Jon Lester, among others.

Even if the team has mostly been disbanded at this point, they brought generations of fans and an entire franchise out of the woods.

If we’ve learned anything, it’s that sports and entertainment are forever intertwined. It’s no surprise that one of the largest names in modern entertainment has so many blatant sports takes that are totally correct and in no way made up for blogging purposes.

Sunday State of Mind: June 5th-June 11th

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Wallpaper Cave

The sports sure sported this week; SSM is here to recap.

Tough time down in Florida, on the biggest stage
Finals and The Stanley Cup, fans are full of rage
Panthers and the Heat, both down three games to one
Elimination likely coming soon, both seasons soon done

LIV and PGA, now the best of friends
As the story goes, money always transcends
Now partners in crime, golf has fully changed
Most players want Jay Monahan’s face rearranged

Four straight Pro Bowl seasons, racking yards and touchdowns
He made Vikes fans happy, did his part to decrease frowns
But now he’s a free agent, he’s got his choice of teams
Whoever signs Dalvin Cook will feel like it’s a dream

Have to say this while we can, The Oakland A’s are hot!
Four wins in a row this week, for them that’s a lot
A sad season in progress, good to get some shine
Since they won those four, likely to lose next nine

Sunday State of Mind: May 22nd-May 28th

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Wallpaper Access

A special Memorial Day and Indy 500 edition of SSM is now live.

Eastern Conference Finals, what is going on?
Jimmy Butler and the Heat were all but good and gone
Lost the first three, won the rest, the series is tied
Whoever wins game seven, been a real fun ride

The rare football transaction, in the month of May
DeAndre Hopkins and the Cardinals will be parting ways
Three years in the desert, still some catches in those hands
Will be very interesting to see where he lands

As mentioned above, the Indy 500 was today
Josef Newgarden is the champ, will take home the pay
The 32 year old from Nashville is kissing the bricks
If he wins it five more times, his total would be six

HBO Max is Now Just Max and We Need Shorter Names Everywhere

Chris Cook, , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Today

Big day in entertainment, as a ground breaking change in the streaming world commenced.

HBO Max is now Max…deal with it losers.

The old app is out, the new app is in. That’s right, we all have to download a completely new app, remember our passwords, and do the annoying thing where we have to type on the screen and it takes an hour to enter “Password123.”

As annoying as corporations taking over entertainment is, it’s unfortunately part of the game…there’s an entire writer’s strike raging right now because of this tom-foolery. There’s 1,000 things that happened that lead to this that you can read up on/we won’t rehash here, but the HBO Max to Max transition is just another atrocious incident we as customers have to deal with.

But this name change, as dumb and uncreative it is, got the wheels turning. What other names in sports and entertainment can CEO’s simultaneously shorten and ruin?

In the NFL, how about a name change for Michael Vick’s former employers to the Atlanta Cons? Could the new Monsters of the Midway could be the new Chicago Ears? What about Kirk Cousins becoming the quarterback for the Minnesota Kings?

The NBA is wrought for awful name changes as well. Ja Morant’s team could take on the role of the most untruthful team in the league with a rebranding to the Memphis Lies. Jimmy Butler and the boys could become food critics as the Miami Eat. Former number one pick Zion Williamson’s guys should take on the personality of most positive team as the New Orleans Cans.

If people hate the MLB’s new rules, they’d surely love these team name changes; Miguel Cabrera’s squad could keep the same idea of their mascot, but make an alteration to the Detroit Gers. The worst team in baseball that isn’t from Oakland could move south and become the Kansas City Yals. Finally, and most obviously, that cheater Carlos Correa and co. should really lose one letter and rename themselves the Minnesota Wins.

Honestly, we shouldn’t be publishing the blog. These ideas are so golden and should be used; but for some reason the NFL, NBA, and MLB won’t meet with us…their loss.

Sunday State of Mind: May 8th-May 14th

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Wallpapers.com

This Mother’s Day, SSM stands for Sweet, Sweet Moms.

Conference Finals set, NBA winding down
Still a bunch of good games left, so we should not frown
Lakers and the Nuggets, Celtics and the Heat
Next round is the finals, East and West champs set to meet

Weird story in St. Louis, involves their big offseason signing
Moving around positions ’cause the team’s not really shining
Willson Contreras back and forth from the outfield
Cards have not been good so far, reasons seem concealed

This guy Ja Morant, can’t wrap my brain around it
Waving a gun around again, second wave of clown shit
So much for that interview, said he would be better
In dangerous Insta stories, this guy is the pacesetter