PGA

The Best Masters Preview You Will Ever Read

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Photo: Amazon

The fake bird chirps…the spray painted grass…The Masters.

The best weekend in golf is here, and so is our dumb preview.

Last year we were piiiiiiissed at the first and second round pairings. This year, much like Phil Mickelson, we’re so excited we can’t feel our face.

So let’s dive in to some notable playing groups we’ll see Thursday and Friday at Augusta.

10:06AM/1:12PM.: Patrick Cantlay, Min Woo Lee, Rickie Fowler: truly hope Min Woo and Rickie are in for the fastest round of their lives!

10:18AM/1:24PM: Hideki Matsuyama, Will Zalatoris, Justin Thomas: we will take any reason we can find to relive Hideki’s caddy bowing to the course.

10:30AM/1:36PM: Jon Rahm, Matt Fitzpatrick, Nick Dunlap: if Rahm plays poorly this week, he may just use his LIV money to buy and bulldoze Augusta.

10:42AM/1:48PM: Scottie Scheffler, Rory McIlroy, Xander Schauffele: Scottie’s on baby watch, if he wins this weekend you have to name that kid August, right?

10:54AM/2:00PM: Wyndham Clark, Viktor Hovland, Cameron Smith: this group is interesting because you have two incredibly rich sounding names and then a dude who might be the best of the three who looks like a cigarette butt.

11:42AM/8:36AM: Vijay Singh, Si Woo Kim, Emiliano Grillo: speaking of names, here we have the group with the widest gap between funnest names to say and most boring to watch.

12:48PM/9:36AM: Patrick Reed, Sungjae Im, Kurt Kitayama: despite Reed being the leader in career earnings by a long shot in this group, we would highly advise Sungjae and Kurt to keep a close eye on their wallets.

1:24PM/10:18AM: Tiger Woods, Jason Day, Max Homa: we’re not going to make the boring no sex joke about Tiger here…but honestly being around a couple hotties like Jason and Max for a few days might pop that chastity belt right off.

1:36PM/10:30AM: Brian Harman, Brooks Koepka, Tom Kim: if Brooks doesn’t make the cut he might be as wide eyed as Phil.

The Masters is the perfect comedown from March Madness, something the sports Gods give us every year to wean us off the hard stuff like a heroine detox center. But with all of these pairings, we’re ready to relapse.

Tiger Woods’ Sun Day Red is A Sun Day Dread

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Photo: The Guardian

Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer and worst clothing designer of all time.

The PGA’s official Instagram account gave us our first views into his new gear after his 27 year relationship with Nike ended in January and…yikes.

The logo…I mean come on.

For our large swath of lady readers out there and the men who get manicures, doesn’t this logo look familiar?

Why are there two zippers? How do you get out of this deathtrap? Can you imagine having a claustrophobic attack and needing to get out of this thing?

This is a medical emergency waiting to happen, shame on you, Tiger.

Not really sure why the PGA posted this picture…I can’t see anything here.

Listen…we love Tiger. He’s the unequivocal GOAT in his sport, and has done unspeakable things on the golf course (and off, honestly). This is just a rare miss. But the good news is we’re only looking at the first wave here, and there’s nowhere to go but up.

Sunday State of Mind: June 5th-June 11th

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Photo: Wallpaper Cave

The sports sure sported this week; SSM is here to recap.

Tough time down in Florida, on the biggest stage
Finals and The Stanley Cup, fans are full of rage
Panthers and the Heat, both down three games to one
Elimination likely coming soon, both seasons soon done

LIV and PGA, now the best of friends
As the story goes, money always transcends
Now partners in crime, golf has fully changed
Most players want Jay Monahan’s face rearranged

Four straight Pro Bowl seasons, racking yards and touchdowns
He made Vikes fans happy, did his part to decrease frowns
But now he’s a free agent, he’s got his choice of teams
Whoever signs Dalvin Cook will feel like it’s a dream

Have to say this while we can, The Oakland A’s are hot!
Four wins in a row this week, for them that’s a lot
A sad season in progress, good to get some shine
Since they won those four, likely to lose next nine

A Statement From President of The CW, Dennis Miller

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Photo: The CW

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE*

(BURBANK, CA, June 2, 2023) – upon today’s shocking announcement of an agreement between The PGA Tour and our dear, dear friends at LIV Golf, we felt it necessary to clear the air.

As you all are aware, we were the only media outlet to be brave enough to embrace LIV Golf when it was not a popular decision. Rumors of declined deals from ESPN, Netflix, CBS, NBC, ABC, Discovery, FOX Sports, and The Food Channel ran rampant before we came into the picture. We were happy to work with the fine folks at LIV to platform the Saudi-backed golf league that the entire nation so widely embraced.

Now that LIV has merged with The PGA, we assume they’re going to be leaving us. The CW, often referred to as the leader in entertainment and foresight, would assume this new super golf league will start their own channel, go the streaming route, or potentially VR when configuring their viewing experience moving forward.

We wish LIV and The PGA the best in their new venture, and this statement was in no way forced upon us by our Saudi overlords.

*please note this is satire, The CW/LIV seem like people who love litigation

Sunday State of Mind: May 29th-June 4th

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Photo: Wallpaper Access

While we all anxiously await Game 2 between the Nuggets and Heat, why don’t we kill some time with a little SSM?

Big hockey blog, talk about it all the time
First game of the Stanley Cup, simply was sublime
Vegas dominated Florida in a bad game one
Hope the Panthers win tomorrow, keep the series fun

Speaking of Sin City, Raiders in the news
Tom Brady’s a part owner now, guy just cannot lose
The question’s always there, makes defenses perspire
Will TB12 come back again, or will he stay retired?

Remember Caitlin Clark? Legend is still growing
Playing in a PGA Pro-Am, yeah she’s going
In the age of NIL, hope she got the bag
She’ll go from hunting buckets, to hunting pin flags

Sunday State of Mind: April 3rd-April 9th

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Photo: Southern Living

It’s Easter Sunday, John Rahm is the Masters champion, and SSM is here.

We start at Augusta, they did it again
Jon Rahm is the champion, a green jacket win
Took over in the final round, took it away from Brooks
Lost it in the end, and Rahm gave him the hook

Hottest start in baseball, your Tampa Bay Rays
Won their first nine game and did it in so many ways
Best start to a baseball season since 2003
Rays sitting at 9-0, start drinking the tea

The NBA is winding down, almost playoff time
Play will start to ratchet up, they’ll actually try
Milwaukee and Denver will be your one seeds
Regular season sucks, postseason’s what we need

We love college hockey, we say it all the time
No mention of Quinnipiac, it would be a crime
NCAA champions, won in overtime
Beat the Golden Gophers, has to feel sublime

The Masters Pairings Are Out and They STINK

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Photo: Logos World

It’s Masters Week, folks.

First and second round pairings have been released, and we’ve got opinions.

As always, there’s great groups and bad groups. To golf fans collective chagrin, the majority of these groups are substandard, unsatisfactory, and dreadful…or so says the synonym list for “bad.”

8:12 a.m. – Vijay Singh, Scott Stallings, Matthew McClean (A): Vijay is still somehow doing it…just locked in the amateur to finish higher than him and that ticket will CASH.

9:48 a.m. – Bubba Watson, Seamus Power, Mateo Fernandez de Oliveira (A): this group has taken the early Masters lead for best collective names.

10:18 a.m. – Tiger Woods, Viktor Hovland, Xander Schauffele: probably the strongest group we’ll get, and will definitely be an episode of Full Swing season two.

10:42 a.m. – Justin Thomas, Jon Rahm, Cameron Young: another robust group, only missing the greatest golfer of all time like the previous group mentioned above.

12:24 p.m. – Phil Mickelson, Tom Hoge, Si Woo Kim: one of LIV’s biggest and reddest faces is paired up with a collective five PGA Tour wins.

1:12 p.m. – Dustin Johnson, Corey Conners, Justin Rose: this group actually plays. Two big names and the guys who carded a sixth place finish in last years Masters.

2:00 p.m. – Jordan Spieth, Tommy Fleetwood, Tony Finau: strong name recognition in the last group of Day 1; advantage to Fleetwood here if his body’s still on European time.

The Masters always seems to come at just the right time, almost like they planned it. The weather’s getting warmer, college basketball is over, and the post Opening Day excitement of baseball has already faded. So fill your work calendar with bogus meetings, check your inbox once an hour, and enjoy the beautiful sights and fake bird chirps of Augusta once more.

Sunday State of Mind: February 13th-February 19th

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Photo: Wallup

We are living in a post Super Bowl/current NBA All-Star Weekend era, which makes SSM a little more of a wild card these days.

A very special birthday, happened on Friday
A guy who played a little ball while in the NBA
Baseball not so much, but brave enough to try
Michael Jordan’s 60, makes me want to cry

Tiger made a cut this week, the Genesis Open
He won’t win the event though, dry spell won’t be broken
Was able to walk all four days, a good physical sign
Maybe a few more tournaments to get things back in line

Arizona/Florida, batting cages pop
Pitchers running to first base, off the mound they hop
Hope springs eternal, everybody has a chance
Spring Training has started, baseball fans will dance

Speaking of Spring Training, Jacob deGrom is back
Hurt after about an hour, got right back on track
When the guy is healthy he’s as good as it gets
But if he breathes a certain way his body’s on the fritz

Rough week for Purdue, on the basketball floor
Former number one has lost three of their last four
Top ranking in college hoops seems to be a curse
Crimson Tide lost this week too, put the top dogs in a hearse

Sunday State of Mind: January 23rd-January 29th

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Photo: National Parks and Wildlife Service

The Super Bowl is set, we all know that. But what else happened in sports this week other than the Eagles and Chiefs advancing? SSM knows, and now you will too.

Streep, Denzel, Robert De Niro, best actors today
A new entry has joined the group, also plays in LA
A small slap of the wrist, felt like a broken arm
LeBron threw a hissy fit, keeps adding to his charm

More NBA antics, a bad repeat offender
Bad boy of the league Steph Curry, big fine money spender
Ejected from the game on Thursday, a disgusting act
Threw his mouthpiece on the ground, we all should feel attacked

Don’t look up to athletes kids, they’ll always let you down
Stetson Bennett had a night, then acted like a clown
A few too many Miller Lites and things can go awry
One month you’re a champion, the next you’re the bad guy

Phil was feeling feisty, on the internet
Cracking jokes between placing million dollar bets
Fashion trends and travel plans were in his stand up set
The internet did their job though, people don’t forget

Tiger & Rory Announced The TGL and LFG

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Photo: tglgolf.com

Suck it, LIV Golf.

Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy launched TGL Golf on Tuesday, with a pretty exciting promo video.

So, to recap: we’ve got top PGA golfers teaming up to play on simulators. This is honestly a great idea and should be pretty watchable.

We are here for it, and are here to help as much as possible. With that in mind, we want to provide some ideas to Tiger and Rory if they are looking for some interaction, as the above video implies.

So let’s list details that have been released for The TGL so far (in bold) with our thoughts & suggestions.

  • Two hour competitions: pretty good amount of time, could push it to three hours if needed.
  • Fifteen Monday night matches: great start, feel free to spread this out to Sundays, maybe some Thursdays. Also, could stretch this out to 17 weeks.
  • Three vs. three team competition: kind of small, maybe move this up to 11 on 11?
  • Eighteen players total (six teams of three): this seems low, need to pump these numbers up. Maybe 32 teams with 53 man rosters each, just spitballing some figures here.
  • Begins January 2024: this seems a tad off. Potential suggestion here would be to start training in August, with competition starting in September through the fall and winter, with the season ending in early February.
  • Using a golf ball: while this sounds smart on the surface, maybe think about moving to a lemon shaped ball with unpredictable bounces. Golfers could potentially also run & throw said ball.

Sounds great right? We’re super excited for The TGL, and think with the above suggestions, this new golf league could really take off and grab America’s attention.