Put Another Shrimp on the Barbie in the Ben Simmons/76ers Feud

Photo: CBS Sports

Crikey! This has gone from bad to worse.

On Tuesday, the heavily reported rift between the Philadelphia 76ers and Ben Simmons reached a new level. After previously leaking he was done with the 76ers, the point guard reported unannounced, practiced with his phone in his pocket yesterday, and then got kicked out of practice today for being unwilling to participate.

After saying “g’day mate” to his teammates on the way out of practice, Simmons was subsequently suspended for the team’s opening night matchup against the Pelicans. Woof.

Simmons will now have a some time away from the team. With all of the strange offseason moves in the past few months, what he’ll do with this time, no one knows.

He would presumably have time to enjoy all the Vegemite he desires. Or maybe practice his free throw shooting? How about trying to get back in with the Kardashian family? While his old fling Kendall Jenner is currently with Devin Booker, Simmons has already shown that he follows the “just because there’s a goalie, doesn’t mean you can’t score” mantra in life.

After a tumultuous offseason and a seemingly broken relationship between the 76ers and their point guard, all you can hope for is that this thing doesn’t get any uglier than it already is. If both sides can sit down and talk over some cheesesteak and meat pies, maybe they find some middle ground. Until then, the saga continues.

Sunday State of Mind: October 11th-October 17th

We are in the thick of October. What does that mean? Football, baseball, basketball, and hockey are all getting in gear. We review the week that was in the latest Sunday State of Mind.

Bears and Packers, for the hundredth year
That’s plenty of deep dish, cheese, and beer
Green Bay won again, their fourth in a row
Ten point loss for the Bears, they continue to blow

Another game in foggy London-town
Dolphins and Jags, and the Fins go down!
Jacksonville wins for the first time in ever
Twenty game losing streak now gone forever

The Chicago Sky, crown the queens!
Championship blood in all of their genes
Kahleah Copper lead the way
The Sky are the champs of the WNBA

Four teams left in the MLB rave
Red Sox, Astros, Dodgers, and Braves
A quartet of skilled teams are baseball’s last tenants
Only two will advance and win their league’s pennants

What’s Next In The WFT Probe?

Photo: Boardroom

The Washington Football team is in the midst of a deep probe by the NFL. If you’ve been paying any attention, the details are pretty gross, and we won’t rehash them here.

It seems like we’re still in the beginning stages of it, and it’s already cost one of the NFL’s most well known coaches his job. John Gruden stepped down as head coach of the Las Vegas Raiders on Monday after eight years of emails with vile language were leaked.

What else could we potentially see from this wrecking ball investigation? We received a few snippets of the next round of leaks here at UDS…and it ain’t pretty.

If you’re under 18, please exit out of this blog now and do not read any further.

mike.tomlin@steelers.com Subject: How Many Military Slogans Can I Relate To Football?
jerry.jones@cowboys.com Subject: Nah Son, The Rich Texan Ain’t Nuttin’ Like Me!
urban.meyer@jaguars.com Subject: Full List of Marriage Counselors in Jacksonville
daniel.campbell@lions.com Subject: Your Mountain Dew Metallica T-Shirt Has Shipped!
kliff.kingsbury@cardinals.com Subject: Those pics you asked for 😉 (emails to your mom)
arthur.blank@falcons.com Subject: Four Ways to Look Less Like a Human Vampire
sean.mcvay@rams.com Subject: Honestly, I’m Just As Hot As Kliff (emails to your mom)
dan.snyder@footballteam.com Subject: I Am As Big A Prick As It Seems, Why Do You Ask?

Woah, truly shocking stuff. It will be interesting to see the fallout from anything else that might leak from this investigation. Hard to believe anything worse than what we saw above could exist out there, but only time will tell.

Sunday State of Mind: October 4th-October 10th

We saw anything and everything this week in sports. We look back fondly in the latest edition of Sunday State of Mind.

A rarely seen building raid, in the NFL
Washington Football Team, what in the actual hell?
Head trainer got busted, DEA involved
Wonder what the charges are, once this all gets solved

Another rarity in sports, a big time title fight
Fury/Wilder III, a boxing fan’s delight
Fury did his job, retained the title belt
A crushing blow to Wilder, to whom defeat was dealt

Number three vs. number four, in college football
Nittany Lions and Hawkeyes, big defensive brawl
Iowa losing early, came back from down 14
Huge win over PSU, a storming the field scene

Another storming happened, down in College Station
Texas A&M pulled the upset for Aggie Nation
Such a rarity to see Alabama lose
Anytime it happens it’s legit breaking news

Playoff time in baseball, division series round
Most series are tight, good matchups can be found
At the time of writing, only the White Sox down 2-0
Getting swept after their year would be a major blow

Steal and Score: 18 NBA Players Caught In Healthcare Scam

Photo: 1000 Logos

Eighteen former NBA players were charged and brought into custody Thursday after authorities discovered an insurance fraud plan aimed at the league’s Health and Welfare Benefit Plan.

The charges allege that the group of retired players attempted to defraud the plan of approximately $4 million dollars in awards. The plan allegedly involved submitting fake invoices for medical services or equipment needed by players after their service in the NBA had ended.

Pretty serious shit. The list of all 18 players can be found in the link above. The three biggest names in the list of fraudsters was Tony Allen, Glen “Big Baby” Davis, and Darius Miles. Allen played 14 seasons between the Celtics, Grizzlies, and Pelicans. Davis was in the league for nine years with the Celtics, Magic, and Clippers. Miles was an eight year veteran with the Clippers, Cavs, Trail Blazers, and Grizzlies.

This had to have been the biggest steal in all three of these guys’ careers, right? According to basketball reference, Allen averaged 1.4 steals/game in his career, Davis 0.7, and Miles a shade under a full steal per game at 0.9.

No individual stats were immediately available on how much each of these three received from the scam before being caught. But, if we’re going by pre-retirement compared to post-retirement careers, all three are right around their playing days’ stealing average.

After today, all three of their post-retirement numbers sit at 1.0 steals/retirement. Compared to their on court careers, Allen dips a bit, but marked improvement by both David and Miles.

You often hear that even though professional athletes bodies may break down during their playing careers, their competitive drives never leave. Props to these three for continuing working on their stealing ability post-career.

What The Hell Do We Do Now? Facebook & Instagram Outages Strike The Internet

Photo: People

Influencers grasping at any avenue to push fitness teas, political extremists fleeing to YouTube to gleefully project the end of times, your racist relatives wondering where they’ll get their “news.”

Facebook and Instagram outages, AAAAAHHHHH!

Facebook CEO/Owner of Instagram Mark Zuckerberg, pictured above viewing a video of a baby panda dying in a forest fire, had his hands full on Monday. The hours-long outages cost the cyborg humanoid a reported $7 Billion, leaving him out in the cold with only $120-ish Billion left to his name.

The world without two of the internets largest social media platforms is a different place. At time of publishing, both platforms are still out of service but reports have been trickling in on just what the world has been up to without FB & IG:

  • Chores that have been ignored for months have been addressed at unforeseen rates
  • Naps have been seeing record breaking numbers
  • Food shelters are seeing all time high volunteer hours
  • Math questions on white boards across the country are been easily solved
  • Local dogs have reported raising averages in both walk times & distances
  • Gaggles of the elderly have been helped across busy streets
  • Books are seeing plummeting dust rates
  • Outside has submitted instances of marked increases in occupancy
  • Free thinking has seen their numbers at near capacity
  • Smiles have broken out at a near pandemic rate across the planet

A truly life-altering event when these two behemoth internet destinations go dark. It would be a real shame if none of us were able to access either of these sites for hours, days, weeks, months…a real shame.

Sunday State of Mind: September 27th-October 3rd

Photo: ArtStation

It’s been a great week in sports. We look back at the greatness in this week’s SSM.

Big name rookie QBs, getting their first wins
Zach Wilson and Justin Fields, weekend winning twins
Few and far between good days, for Jets and Bears fans
Both fan bases should be glad, they both may have their man

Other end of the spectrum, Big Ben’s very old
The end seems very close, his story has been told
Hard to see a scenario in which he won’t get benched
Steelers have a hard decision, need their QB thirst quenched

Baseball season’s winding down, and it’s playoff time
Time for the big boys in the show to start their World Series climb
Dodgers, Giants, and White Sox, among the other teams
Will do whatever they can to win, by any and all means

Life Is a Lie: Dollar Tree Selling Items For Over $1

Photo: Fortune

There are certain things you can just depend on in life. Gravity holding you down, a Honda Accord lasting 20+ years, and Tom Brady winning Super Bowls. Before today, one of the things on that list was the economic stability of the Dollar Tree.

The self-titled discount store always held true to exactly what they offered: all items under their roof for a dollar. A simple transaction; you walk in, find some paper plates, bandaids, or light bulbs, you throw down a Washington, and you’re on your way.

And then today happened:

What the hell is happening here? According to Dollar Tree’s fat cat CEO Michael Witynski: “[f]or decades, our customers have enjoyed the ‘thrill-of-the-hunt’ for value at one dollar – and we remain committed to that core proposition – but many are telling us that they also want a broader product assortment when they come to shop.”

Give me a break.

Where does it end? This is just the tip of the iceberg. I fear a future from our beloved corporations, who are nothing but honest to us, sounding like the following:

  • Home Depot coming out with a line of hamburgers
  • Best Buy no longer indeed offering the best options to buy
  • CarMax expanding to boat sales
  • Bath & Body Works hawking motor oil and brake pads
  • The Hershey Company moving into the fishing pole industry
  • Ralph Lauren taking their shot at the pet sale game
  • Electronic Arts selling jump ropes

A heartbreaking day in the discount store industry. I just hope Dollar Tree comes to their senses, and gets back to basics…offering high quality product at affordable prices, just like we always depended on.

Sunday State of Mind: September 20th-September 26th

Photo: Webneel

Weeks come and weeks go. The only constant is change; and Sunday State of Mind.

La’el Collins, what the bloody hell?
Bid any chance truthfulness a nice and quick farewell
He tried to bribe his drug test taker, because he broke the rules
Confirming he’s a liar, thought he could take us all for fools

The St. Louis Cardinals are hot as can be
They cannot be stopped, and are 1,000 degrees
Playing their best baseball at the perfect time
To a Cubs fans like me, this equates to a crime

The Ryder Cup, finally has returned to the States
Steve Stricker’s squad selections played better than great
Europe had won four of five, the cup resided there
The time has finally come for USA to have their share

We saw a new record, in the NFL
Justin Tucker of the Ravens, who kicks the football well
Hit a game-winning field goal, a 66 yard boot
Tough beat for the Lions, still in a victory pursuit

SNL Is Back And It’s Ranking SZN

Some people hate “Saturday Night Live.” Some people love “Saturday Night Live.” It seems to be something that no matter who you are, you have an opinion on the culturally iconic sketch comedy show that’s been on NBC since 1975. Everyone has their opinion on their favorite era, best player, and funniest sketch.

SNL will be back for their 47th season on October 2nd, and announced their host/musical guest lineup for the first month of shows. It’s always an interesting communiqué seeing who gets the call and what the potential is for each episode. With the first four shows announced, and with the love of ranking in my veins, let us erroneously subjugate which shows revs my comedy engine, from worst to first.

4. Rami Malek & Young Thug

Photos: Popsugar & Vulture

Malek’s debut hosting gig falls at four in our preseason SNL rankings that are based on nothing. Hard to imagine Malek, a serious and talented actor, finding his comedy chops and rocking Studio 8H. But, sometimes that’s when we get the best hosts! See Timothée Calamet from last year’s Coronavirus Holiday.

Also as long as Young Thug doesn’t bring out Camilla Cabello to perform “Havana,” which I think has a fairly low chance of happening, I’ll be happy there.

3. Kim Kardashian & Halsey

Photos: E! Online & Vulture

Folks, Kim K just keeps doin’ it. I don’t know how, but the the woman described by Google as an “American Socialite” can find her way into the White House in 2020, and now onto sketch comedy’s most popular stage. Similar concerns as noted above on Malek, but why the hell not try and send her out there, see what happens, and get some ratings in the mean time?

Halsey is a regular in the SNL rotation at this point, both as a musical guest and host. They’ve got the chops, and hopefully take part in a sketch or two.

2. Owen Wilson & Kacey Musgraves

Photos: Vanity Fair & Allure

Will they got for the easy “wow” joke? How about a nose joke? These have to be the biggest questions on the season debut. Owen Wilson has been in some of the greatest comedy movies in recent years, so this is a natural fit.

Kacey Musgraves has a smooth voice that works anywhere; I have no doubt that her second go around on SNL will work just fine.

1. Jason Sudeikis & Brandi Carlile

Photos: GQ & South Florida Sun Sentinel

The fourth and final episode of October comes in first on our completely meritless list; and this one’s all about the host. Jason Sudeikis, fresh off a whole mess of Emmy Awards for his work on “Ted Lasso,” is a top notch comedic actor with deep SNL roots. It would be a crime against comedy if we don’t get another edition of Sudeikis dancing in the background of “What Up With That?”

As for Brandi Carlile, let’s just sit back and enjoy.