Aaron Rodgers is an unexcused absence from Jets minicamp today. Coach Robert Saleh claims the 40 year old was not at camp due to an event that was “important to him.”
So…where is he?
Hard to tell; in the last few years, Rodgers, who was forever known as a fairly boring interview who kept things close to the chest, has absolutely opened himself up to the public. For better or for worse, we now know what this guy’s all about.
Maybe he just needed a shot of ayahuasca for a one day trip. Perhaps he is considering a fourth party candidate to team up with for this year’s election. Is he finalizing a celebrity boxing match with Dr. Fauci? Does he need to take a break after realizing his anti Big Pharma stance has zero legitimacy since he chose to work for the heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune?
There is nothing wrong with professional athletes having interests outside of their sport. Those who do are probably better off then those who don’t. So really, this isn’t a big deal.
The clear cut top NBA Draft prospect, Bronny James, is rightfully turning down pre draft workouts.
For the peasant NBA teams who our next basketball deity doesn’t have time for, we decided to do our good deed for the day and provide his real, legitimate scouting report.
Let’s start with the (un)official measurements: 7 feet, 6 inches, 375 pounds (0.002% body fat), and a 12 foot, 3 inch wingspan. His vertical jump came in at 18 feet, 4 inches, he clocked in his 3/4 court sprint time of 1.2 seconds. Finally, he had to simply stop his bench press test after continually repping out for three hours.
As good of a prospect as he is on the court, Bronny excels even more off of it. He never bricks a shot, instead saving them to aid infrastructure; despite wearing size 28 shoes, his carbon footprint is tiny; and he was (erroneously, in our opinion) the second choice in 2013 when Pope Francis was elected.
Not that anyone needs convincing, but this kid is worth the hype. Whoever is lucky enough to get Bronny James has the inside track at besting the 2016 Warriors 73-9 record not only next season, but for the next 25-35 seasons to come.
Despite all of us knowing 99% of it, the NFL schedule release is technically tonight.
The National Football League continues to give us fans a breadcrumb here, a flirty tweet there, just knowing we’ll lap everything up like a dog at its bowl after a long walk.
Well, we’ve had enough.
No issues making a huge deal out of the schedule release. But stop with the single game releases a week in advance. The London games are fine, just don’t dedicate an entire day to just telling us who’s playing there. I swear, we’ll all be just as excited for Bengals/Chiefs week one if you release it with the other 17 weeks all at the same time.
Also, we’re now getting an “offseason” version of Hard Knocks with the Giants. Do we really need to know what Daniel Jones is doing in early June? HBO usually knows what it’s doing with their programming, but Brian Daboll renewing his car registration might not be must see TV.
We were in a real groove, NFL. Just give us one schedule release, one Hard Knocks, one simplified plan where we all can keep up with what you already know we’re going to gobble up.
While we’re at it, just tell us who Tom Brady’s signing with for a playoff run this year.
Some absolute bananas “news” out of Pittsburgh this morning.
The Pittsburgh Steelers, as confirmed by running back Jaylen Warren, are considering using recently acquired quarterback Justin Fields as a punt returner.
Punt. Returner.
As if this man hasn’t been boned (pause) enough; what was meant to be his fresh start with a patient, quarterback rich organization, quickly has become a circus.
The Bears made the right choice in dealing Fields and going with Caleb Williams, for a number of reasons. Even so, they absolutely LOADED UP the second he was gone. More help than Fields ever had during his three years in Chicago. Just have to imagine it stings a little bit seeing your old team put the pedal to the medal from afar.
But the guy gets a new team who has done a lot of winning, and it almost immediately turns into a freak show. Even if this ends up not being true, the fact that he is continually treated as a pawn has to be incredibly frustrating.
The fake bird chirps…the spray painted grass…The Masters.
The best weekend in golf is here, and so is our dumb preview.
Last year we were piiiiiiissed at the first and second round pairings. This year, much like Phil Mickelson, we’re so excited we can’t feel our face.
So let’s dive in to some notable playing groups we’ll see Thursday and Friday at Augusta.
10:06AM/1:12PM.: Patrick Cantlay, Min Woo Lee, Rickie Fowler: truly hope Min Woo and Rickie are in for the fastest round of their lives!
10:18AM/1:24PM: Hideki Matsuyama, Will Zalatoris, Justin Thomas: we will take any reason we can find to relive Hideki’s caddy bowing to the course.
10:30AM/1:36PM: Jon Rahm, Matt Fitzpatrick, Nick Dunlap: if Rahm plays poorly this week, he may just use his LIV money to buy and bulldoze Augusta.
10:42AM/1:48PM: Scottie Scheffler, Rory McIlroy, Xander Schauffele: Scottie’s on baby watch, if he wins this weekend you have to name that kid August, right?
10:54AM/2:00PM: Wyndham Clark, Viktor Hovland, Cameron Smith: this group is interesting because you have two incredibly rich sounding names and then a dude who might be the best of the three who looks like a cigarette butt.
11:42AM/8:36AM: Vijay Singh, Si Woo Kim, Emiliano Grillo: speaking of names, here we have the group with the widest gap between funnest names to say and most boring to watch.
12:48PM/9:36AM: Patrick Reed, Sungjae Im, Kurt Kitayama: despite Reed being the leader in career earnings by a long shot in this group, we would highly advise Sungjae and Kurt to keep a close eye on their wallets.
1:24PM/10:18AM: Tiger Woods, Jason Day, Max Homa: we’re not going to make the boring no sex joke about Tiger here…but honestly being around a couple hotties like Jason and Max for a few days might pop that chastity belt right off.
1:36PM/10:30AM: Brian Harman, Brooks Koepka, Tom Kim: if Brooks doesn’t make the cut he might be as wide eyed as Phil.
The Masters is the perfect comedown from March Madness, something the sports Gods give us every year to wean us off the hard stuff like a heroine detox center. But with all of these pairings, we’re ready to relapse.
Americans everywhere jumped for joy, did exuberant cartwheels, and ran 5k’s in celebration. This is something we’ve all wanted, and we’re finally getting it baby.
But why stop here? Why can’t our lust for fast food combinations Joey Chestnut would find disgusting stop with McKreme’s?
I am here today to call on Wendy’s to partner with Panda Express. Why won’t Burger King make a combo meal with Olive Garden? Do we dare call ourselves a proper country if we don’t have access to an Arby’s/Sonic roast beef chocolate shake?
We want it all, we want it now, and we won’t rest until we get what we want…actually we’ll all probably need a quick power nap, juuuuust a quick recharge after our Big Mac with Krispy Kreme Buns.
Cut a 25 year old Alex Mattison to replace him with a 29 year old Aaron Jones. A 29 year old Aaron Jones with 1,449 career touches compared to Mattison’s 684.
Re-signed the below STUDS:
Theo Jackson: special teams extraordinaire
Nick Muse: a seventh round TE
Johnny Mundt: another TE who has taken the league by storm, racking up 312 yards and two touchdowns (in the past two seasons combined)
David Quessenberry & Blake Brandel: two stalwarts of the Vikings offensive line who combined for a dominating nine starts last season
Safe to say Justin Jefferson has to be feeling *reallly, really* good about the direction of the organization. There is no doubt in my, and surely Vikings fans everywhere, minds that he’ll be ready to sign a mega extension to be in Minnesota for the remainder of his career upon his free agency next year.
The NFLPA does a lot of good things, but their yearly report card might be the best.
The one time each year that players get to anonymously eviscerate their teams without worry. The 2024 edition is finally here, and there is some SHADE.
Again, Josh McDaniels has always been a perfect locker room guy.
Training Room
“F” grade: Commanders
The Commies are the only team to receive a failing grade in this category, and we’re always here for anything that further confirms Dan Snyder being a human puddle of garbage water.
“A” grades: Jaguars, Dolphins, Vikings
The Dolphins deserve this A for somehow managing to get Tua to play all 17 games this season.
Training Staff
“F” grades: Chiefs, Commanders
The only time the Chiefs and Commanders will be uttered in the same breath.
Only two of these teams made the playoffs; are training staffs even important?
Shoutout to the NFLPA for allowing the boys to anonymously spill the tea every year, and shoutout to the Dolphins for getting A’s in every single category. More importantly, shoutout to the Commanders for locking down four out of six F’s.
Tiger Woods is the greatest golfer and worst clothing designer of all time.
The PGA’s official Instagram account gave us our first views into his new gear after his 27 year relationship with Nike ended in January and…yikes.
The logo…I mean come on.
For our large swath of lady readers out there and the men who get manicures, doesn’t this logo look familiar?
Why are there two zippers? How do you get out of this deathtrap? Can you imagine having a claustrophobic attack and needing to get out of this thing?
This is a medical emergency waiting to happen, shame on you, Tiger.
Not really sure why the PGA posted this picture…I can’t see anything here.
Listen…we love Tiger. He’s the unequivocal GOAT in his sport, and has done unspeakable things on the golf course (and off, honestly). This is just a rare miss. But the good news is we’re only looking at the first wave here, and there’s nowhere to go but up.
Dan Quinn is your new Washington Commanders head coach.
The news seems to be being received with a collective…”meh.”
This hiring cycle may have been the greatest collection of candidate pools we’ll ever see: Bill Belichick, John Harbaugh, Mike Vrabel, Vic Fangio, and of course…Josh McDaniels.
The Commanders seemed to have been a lock for the highly-coveted Ben Johnson, who decided he’d rather remain in Detroit than lead the Commies. Thus, a retread head coach who did make a Super Bowl…and that’s all we’ll say about that.
So, a bit of a let down for Commander fans. Going from one of the hottest candidates in the game to Dan Quinn.
This is flat out a rough look for a franchise who was trying to start fresh with a new ownership group. Tough not hiring Cain and settling for Abel; giving the head job to Ron Harper when you almost had Michael Jordan; bringing in blue cheese when you could’ve had ranch…it just doesn’t feel completely right.
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