Hey NFL, Cut the Shit

Photo: Biggest Decal Shop

Despite all of us knowing 99% of it, the NFL schedule release is technically tonight.

The National Football League continues to give us fans a breadcrumb here, a flirty tweet there, just knowing we’ll lap everything up like a dog at its bowl after a long walk.

Well, we’ve had enough.

No issues making a huge deal out of the schedule release. But stop with the single game releases a week in advance. The London games are fine, just don’t dedicate an entire day to just telling us who’s playing there. I swear, we’ll all be just as excited for Bengals/Chiefs week one if you release it with the other 17 weeks all at the same time.

Also, we’re now getting an “offseason” version of Hard Knocks with the Giants. Do we really need to know what Daniel Jones is doing in early June? HBO usually knows what it’s doing with their programming, but Brian Daboll renewing his car registration might not be must see TV.

We were in a real groove, NFL. Just give us one schedule release, one Hard Knocks, one simplified plan where we all can keep up with what you already know we’re going to gobble up.

While we’re at it, just tell us who Tom Brady’s signing with for a playoff run this year.

NFLPA Report Cards are Out and THE SHADE

Photo: Pro Football Talk

The NFLPA does a lot of good things, but their yearly report card might be the best.

The one time each year that players get to anonymously eviscerate their teams without worry. The 2024 edition is finally here, and there is some SHADE.

Treatment of Families

“F” grades: Bengals, Chargers, Patriots, Steelers, Buccaneers, Commanders.

We should not be surprised the Commanders received a “F” in anything.

“A” grades: Cowboys, Dolphins, Vikings, 49ers.

The Cowboys nail this one because I assume Jerry Jones hits on every single mom that comes around.

Food/Cafeteria

“F” grades: Bengals, Chargers, Saints

Of course the Bengals failed this; OF COURSE.

“A” grades: Texans, Dolphins, Eagles, 49ers

The Eagles had to up their food game after drafting Jordan Davis this year.

Nutritionist/Dietician

“F” grades: Bengals, Chiefs

I know Double Jeopardy is illegal, but I support the Bengals being charged twice.

“A” grades: Falcons, Texans, Raiders, Dolphins, Vikings

A true representation of Josh McDaniels’ time in Las Vegas.

Locker Room

“F” grades: Cardinals, Falcons, Chiefs, Chargers, Steelers, Commanders

Falcons have failed this every year since they built their sphincter stadium.

“A” grades: Bears, Cowboys, Jaguars, Raiders, Dolphins, Vikings

Again, Josh McDaniels has always been a perfect locker room guy.

Training Room

“F” grade: Commanders

The Commies are the only team to receive a failing grade in this category, and we’re always here for anything that further confirms Dan Snyder being a human puddle of garbage water.

“A” grades: Jaguars, Dolphins, Vikings

The Dolphins deserve this A for somehow managing to get Tua to play all 17 games this season.

Training Staff

“F” grades: Chiefs, Commanders

The only time the Chiefs and Commanders will be uttered in the same breath.

“A” grades: Panthers, Falcons, Dolphins, Giants, Eagles

Only two of these teams made the playoffs; are training staffs even important?

Shoutout to the NFLPA for allowing the boys to anonymously spill the tea every year, and shoutout to the Dolphins for getting A’s in every single category. More importantly, shoutout to the Commanders for locking down four out of six F’s.

We’ve Got a Chili Cook Off Winner in Cincinnati

Photo: @Bengals on Twitter

Today’s professional athletes have all health advantages at their fingertips. World class nutritionists, body scan reports, team physicians…the list goes on an on. So, when a NFL team switches sponsorships of a certified food pyramid product, it’s a huge deal.

Enormous news from the Cincinnati Bengals account this morning, as they announced after a successful, healthy 20 year relationship with Gold Star, their new official chili sponsor is now Skyline.

News of the new chili sponsor has rocked the sports world. Skyline’s 160 chain restaurants that primarily cover Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, and Florida are celebrating by drowning themselves in spaghetti topped with a gang of brown, chunky sludge. If you’re looking for a new NFL team and love chili hot dogs with a light accent of eight pounds of shredded cheese, the 2021 AFC Champions are the squad for you.

With the new corporate announcement, we’re looking forward to seeing how Joe Burrow plays quarterback next year at 350 pounds. Will Ja’Marr Chase continue to make unbelievable grabs when his gloves are covered in dirt-colored muck? Orlando Brown, the team’s shiny new left tackle, is currently listed at 345 pounds…can we assume he’s going to suit up week one at 645?

Nothing but positives can come out of this fresh, new sponsorship. Top level athletes and chili, an absolute perfect match.

Ranking Body Parts Patrick Mahomes Needs for the AFC Championship

Photo: Larry Brown Sports

Last Saturday, we all saw Patrick Mahomes get bent in a way no normal human being should. If not, see the work of art above from the fine folks at Larry Brown Sports.

It was gross, we all cringed, and hoped we didn’t just see the end of Mahomes’ season. Somehow, he’s a super human freak and came back one one and a half legs and lead the Chiefs to the AFC Championship game.

The official diagnosis seems to be a high ankle sprain, which are three words no athlete wants to hear. But this is Patrick Mahomes we’re talking about. The aforementioned super human freak, who could maybe win this Sunday with zero legs if needed.

Because of that, we are here to rank the top body parts even sweet Patrick will need this weekend:

5. Ankle

This thing got bent so bad it caused a national shortage of medical tape.

If Mahomes wants to have any level of mobility in the pocket this weekend, that ankle needs to be somewhere near normal.

4. Elbow

We all know he can launch a football 175 yards with a flick of the wrist.

If the ankle’s not going to be a full go, he needs that right elbow there to utilize his arm strength.

3. Eyes

Mahomes has been lauded for his ability to see.

This leads to our number three most important body part, as he’ll need his eyes to see where he’s going against a tough Bengals defense.

2. Head

An extension of the eyes, Mahomes will need to make sure his head is attached to his torso if he wants to get to the Super Bowl.

As the old saying goes “need your head to get this bread, fam.”

1. Nuts

As we’ve come to learn since Mahomes has been in the league; this dude has big ‘ol cajones.

He can do it all, all the time. The testicular fortitude on this man is already Hall of Fame level, and he needs to lug those stones into Arrowhead Stadium to advance this weekend.

The body is a temple, and Patrick Mahomes’ is feeling a little rough at the moment. If he indeed brings all of the above, the rematch of last year’s AFC Championship against Joe Burrow and them boys is going to be a thriller.

Sunday State of Mind: January 16th-January 22nd

Photo: Good Fon

Chiefs, Eagles, Bengals, 49ers win; Jaguars, Giants, Bills, and Cowboys lose. SSM reviews the NFL Divisional Round.

Started out in KC, a scary injury
Mahomes got folded up weird, seemed to hurt his knee
It was a ankle sprain, says he’ll play next week
Jags lost to the Chiefs but their future isn’t bleak

One blowout this weekend, an NFC East bout
Eagles railed the Giants, really left no doubt
Danny Dimes was bad, Jalen Hurts was good
The one seed in the NFC playing just like they should

Bengals and the Bills, snow globe in Buffalo
One QB was on his game and that was Joe Burrow
A rematch with the Chiefs for a trip to Arizona
Talking grad school NFL, winner gets a diploma

An all-time uni matchup, 49ers and Cowboys
Brock Purdy did it again with his offense full of toys
Next one on the docket, big one against the Eagles
Football was so good this weekend it should be illegal

NFL Coaches as Pizza Toppings

Photo: Pinterest

In a world where no one can agree on anything, if there are two things we as Americans can get close to seeing eye to eye on is our love for pizza and football.

On Tuesday afternoon, Eagles coach Nick Sirianni brought these two magical worlds together with the below clip:

Millionaire NFL coaches…they’re just like us! Just a couple a coworkers getting together, flipping on the game, and firing up an order for some stuffed crust from the Hut.

Which of course begs the question…if each of the remaining coaches left in the NFL were pizza toppings, what would they be?

Nick Sirianni/Brian Daboll – Pepperoni & Sausage

Sirianni’s the pep, and Daboll is clearly the sausage in this scenario.

A good old fashioned NFC East matchup that we can rely on to fulfill our appetite for good playoff football.

Andy Reid/Doug Pederson – Cheeseburger & Kielbasa

Old buddies getting together when the Chiefs take on the Jags this weekend.

We all know Coach Reid loves his cheeseburgers, and Pederson just seems like a guy who likes to say “kielbasa” when he orders.

Mike McCarthy/Kyle Shanahan – Bacon & Arugula

It’s hard to find a pairing where both coaches seem to be at the total opposite ends of the spectrum. Well, here we are.

McCarthy seems like a guy to double or triple up the pig toppings, while Shanahan has big “let’s get some ‘za, but try and keep it as clean as possible” energy.

Zac Taylor/Sean McDermott – Garlic & Alfredo Sauce

While there is not one coach of color left in the playoffs, this is the whitest of the white we have left.

Bengals/Bills should be a fun game, but my god these two guys are translucent.

When You Think AFC Championship Game You Think Atlanta

Photo: Mercedes Benz Stadium

If you’re not a Bengals, Jaguars, Chargers, Ravens, or Dolphins fan, odds are that you’re hoping to see the Bills and Chiefs play in the AFC Championship Game.

Mahomes v. Allen, Bills Mafia v. Chiefs Kingdom, McDermott vs. Big Red Andy Reid; this matchup would have the most storylines by far of any AFC pairing we as football fans could get for a shot to go to the Super Bowl.

Well, it appears if our collective dreams are answered, there’ll be one more: the game will be played in the most logical place of all, Atlanta.

Yes, beautiful Atlanta. The A. The Dirty. Home of the NFC South’s own Falcons who haven’t seen the playoffs in six years. Whose most memorable postseason is still meme’d to death almost a decade later.

There has to be one of the dozens of Falcon fans out there that really hopes this potential AFC Championship game being held in their stadium is going to brainwash the internet into forgetting that the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead against the Patriots. If you are that person and are reading this, please reach out to chris@untimeddown.com; I would love to speak with you and get inside your brain.

For now, let’s all enjoy Super Wild Card Weekend and root for the Dolphins not to pull the biggest upset in playoff history by beating the Bills on Saturday. Because if they do, all of this Atlanta mess will be for not and me writing and you reading this blog will have been a massive waste of time.

Sunday State of Mind: September 5th-September 11th

Photo: Dreamstime

We continue a longstanding tradition here at UDS by dedicating an entire SSM to Week One NFL action.

Big start on Thursday night, Rams and the Bills
Pregame program was legit, full of fluff and frills
The game was in LA, but plenty Bills fans there
Josh Allen and the boys came out and won the game with flair

Sunday start in the dirty, Falcons and the Saints
Start of football season, we have no complaints
Something so familiar, Falcons had an early lead
They coughed it up and lost, almost guaranteed

Browns and the Panthers, Baker revenge bowl
He wanted to win this game with his entire soul
Browns came out and played, got a surprising win
Panthers almost came back, there’s a positive spin

The San Francisco 49ers are used to good weather
The conditions in Chicago, they were different all together
It rained and rained and rained some more, really came down strong
A nice win for the Bears in a season that might be long

Steelers and the Bengals, an AFC North tilt
Bengals came in walking tall, like a man on stilts
Five turnovers for Joe Burrow, not like him at all
Even so, we had OT, but the Bengals did fall

Eagles and the Lions, closer than we expected!
Coming into the day, thought this game would be neglected
Lions got down early, then almost came back
Lot of money on the Eagles, banks almost attacked

Texans and the Colts, folks we have a tie
Same score in regulation, OT, and then the game died
Feels like a win for Houston, Indy can not be psyched
Have to think a blowout win is what they would’ve liked

Patriots and Dolphins, Miami’s brand new look
Mike McDaniel’s offense had Bill Belichick’s D shook
Tua looked OK, Tyreek and Waddle balled
Dolphin fans ecstatic, Pats fans are appalled

Ravens and the Jets, Flacco revenge game
Cool Joe did play pretty well, can’t give him much blame
Lamar Jackson’s on a mission, wants to get that big money
Three touchdowns and Ravens win, L-Jack sweet as honey

Jags and the Commanders, this game just seemed weird
First game for Carson Wentz in DC, brought his big red beard
Jaguars were close to grabbing a week one win
At least until week two for victories to begin

Giants and the Titans, King Henry and Saquon
The Titan bruised along, Giant looked like a swan
Another crazy comeback, as New York did their job
Titans played tough in the first half, but ended like slobs

Cardinals and the Chiefs, and a new look KC
Went to Arizona, first opportunity
To see if they still had it after losing some big stars
Five tuddy’s for Pat Mahomes, he did not go too far

Chargers and the Raiders, matchup in LA
Justin Herbert is a stud, and he was on display
Three touchdowns and no picks, his team is 1-0
Raiders have a nice roster, only upwards to go

Vikings and the Packers, A-Rod needs to some talent
He can’t go out and win himself, they guy’s only so gallant
Story is not about him though, Vikings looked pretty good
Kirk Cousins was really sharp, was he misunderstood?

Buccaneers and Cowboys, Sunday night in Dallas
Jerry Jones must love it when we’re focused on his palace
Tough break for Big Jer, as Tom Brady is still here
TB12 wins again, will for 100 years

Sunday State of Mind: Super Bowl LVI

Photo: Marca

It is with profound sadness we write this week’s SSM, as the football season is officially over. Since we don’t want to see football go, we’re recapping the game that just happened; with the Los Angeles Rams winning the Lombardi Trophy in Super Bowl 56.

First quarter some action, a 7-3 score
An OBJ touchdown, but there would be more
Bengals mustered a field goal, but scoring was not hearty
Final score in mind, may have kept them from the Lombardi

A busy second quarter, plenty to talk about
Cooper Kupp scored once, Bengals ended their end zone drought
Terrible sight to see, Odell Beckham hurt his knee
Rams were down a playmaker after the injury

Maybe better than the game, the Pepsi Halftime Show
A collection of nostalgia singing songs that we all know
Snoop and Dre were great, Em, Kendrick, Mary J
How about Mr. In Da Club, please give us a replay

Cincinnati came out hot after the halftime break
A Burrow bomb to Higgins, would LA start to shake?
The 75 yard touchdown would be the highIight here
Other than trading field goals, the game’s ending was near

Only one score in the final frame, but it was the winner
Stafford to Cooper Kupp a second time, chicken dinner
With that touchdown the Rams secured a Super victory
Cemented themselves as champions, NFL history

Sunday State of Mind: January 17th-January 23rd

And then there were four. It’s NFL Divisional Playoff Weekend. We recap in this week’s Sunday State of Mind.

The Cincinnati Bengals, also known as Cinderella
Their quarterback Joe Burrow sure is one talented fella
Bengals went down to Nashville, beat up on the Titans
A young team with big talent, NFL should be frightened

Another major upset, Niners over Green Bay
Defense and special teams for San Francisco saved the day
Jimmy Garoppolo has got to be better next week
Otherwise the Niners Super Bowl chances sure look bleak

An NFC West battle, the Super Bowl’s the prize
The Rams came down to Tampa and stuck it in their eyes
Matt Stafford and that defense ended Tom Brady’s year
Rumors are a-floating, will he end his career?

The best for last, Chiefs and Bills
Regulation not enough, overtime thrills
Time and time again, Mahomes comes out a winner
Andy Reid earned himself a nice triple steak dinner