The Definitive Ranking of Today’s Official Announcements

Photos: Fansided & WLRN

There’s nothing that says “Monday” more than long, useless memos.

On this Monday, Kyler Murray and Derek Jeter decided to push more paper onto the Arizona Cardinals and Miami Marlins staffs:

Since no one wants to read anything as long as the above-mentioned official corporate memorandums; we decided to do the work for you. Essentially, Murray wants more money and Jeter is out ASAP. Kyler’s statement is comically long, and Jeter’s is almost annoyingly short for such a large member/investor of a team leaving immediately.

We hope KM gets his money and Jeets finally catches a break in life in his post-Marlins tenure. But we’re here as the end all be all rankers of these two very important statements. Please find our extensively researched, categorically honest rankings below:

2 – Derek Jeter’s “Peace I’m Outta Here” Letter

Much like Jeter’s playing career, this was (literally) a black and white, plain Jane, professional statement. Just like he handled the media while with the Yankees, it was a large collection of words that didn’t really say anything.

After a few truths stretched (e.g., “we transformed every aspect of the franchise”) and a yawn or two incurred, a tsunami of drowsiness washed over me while reading. The former CEO’s statement came out as flat as the energy at loanDepot Park during Marlins home games.

As great of a defensive shortstop as Jeter was, he’s an even better defender of being or saying anything interesting.

1 – Kyler Murray’s “It’s Not Me, It’s You” Letter

This thing was a superb mess. Scrubbing your social media of anything relating to your team one week, and releasing this manifesto saying you need more from them the next is an all time power move. While we’ve all seen the “it’s not you, it’s me” checkers move played either to us or to someone we know, Kyler and his agent Erik Burkhardt are playing chess by flipping that bad boy right on its head.

Before so graciously looping in his teammates and coaches, Kyler noted how proud he is of the “extreme turnaround of competitiveness and success since his arrival,” after being “tasked with stepping into a tough situation” in Arizona. Translation: you guys blew before I got here, now pay up. Also, the shade thrown in reminding the Cardinals that he thinks he’s the guy to “deliver the valley their first Super Bowl in 33+ years” was a real *chef’s kiss* in this tour de force.

The finale though, the pie de resistance if you will, is the ending. The 24 year old quarterback told the team that drafted him number one overall in 2019 to shit or get off the pot when it comes to giving him a new contract, while referring to himself as a “rapidly improving…already 2x Pro Bowl QB.” Just an all-time self-confident sign off that I wish I had an ounce of in my personal life.

A few big statements from the MLB and NFL today. Appropriately, one was as boring as a four hour baseball game. The other had the fireworks of a regular season NFL game that America cannot get enough of. You know where we stand.

What The Hell Do We Do Now? Facebook & Instagram Outages Strike The Internet

Photo: People

Influencers grasping at any avenue to push fitness teas, political extremists fleeing to YouTube to gleefully project the end of times, your racist relatives wondering where they’ll get their “news.”

Facebook and Instagram outages, AAAAAHHHHH!

Facebook CEO/Owner of Instagram Mark Zuckerberg, pictured above viewing a video of a baby panda dying in a forest fire, had his hands full on Monday. The hours-long outages cost the cyborg humanoid a reported $7 Billion, leaving him out in the cold with only $120-ish Billion left to his name.

The world without two of the internets largest social media platforms is a different place. At time of publishing, both platforms are still out of service but reports have been trickling in on just what the world has been up to without FB & IG:

  • Chores that have been ignored for months have been addressed at unforeseen rates
  • Naps have been seeing record breaking numbers
  • Food shelters are seeing all time high volunteer hours
  • Math questions on white boards across the country are been easily solved
  • Local dogs have reported raising averages in both walk times & distances
  • Gaggles of the elderly have been helped across busy streets
  • Books are seeing plummeting dust rates
  • Outside has submitted instances of marked increases in occupancy
  • Free thinking has seen their numbers at near capacity
  • Smiles have broken out at a near pandemic rate across the planet

A truly life-altering event when these two behemoth internet destinations go dark. It would be a real shame if none of us were able to access either of these sites for hours, days, weeks, months…a real shame.

The Cleveland Baseball Team Has a New Face

On Friday, the face of Cleveland Baseball changed forever. In a move that was announced back in December, baseball fans in the Buckeye State now have a new mascot to root for:

So, there you have it…the Cleveland Guardians. Predictably, the internet remained undefeated, and roasted the changed the appropriate amount, as can be seen here, here, and here.

I’m not here to argue the merits of changing the name or not, because whatever stance you have at this point is not going to change. What I am here to discuss is the above-linked video the team put out on their socials announcing the name.

Total mess of a production. I supposed a good starting point is the fact that their social media handles on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all still include the very word this entire name change is about. If we’re making the change, the handles have to be updated before the announcement is made. Posting what’s meant to be a powerful statement changing your team’s former identity while the politically charged word is still your handle is just a brutal look. It’d be like, hypothetically telling a trusting group of followers to “be happy with what you have” while sitting in a 17,000 foot mansion, driving a Ferrari, flying in your personal jet, hoarding a $4.4 million PPP Loan, and having a net worth of $100 million. Again, just a hypothetical, but could you imagine being so dense?

Secondly, we all love Tom Hanks; he’s America’s dad for a reason. But, I’m having some trouble finding the connection between TH and the city of Cleveland. The Black Keys provided the music, which makes sense; they hail from Akron. But Tom Hanks?

Well, according to cleveland.com, a seemingly reliant source on the matter, Hanks’ “ties to Cleveland go back to 1977 when he landed his first professional job as an intern at the Great Lakes Shakespeare Festival…[t]he actor became a huge Indians fan during that time.” OK, fair enough. I just think that a proud, Midwestern city like Cleveland could’ve better used one of its own instead of one of the most popular movie stars on the planet who, by the way, hails from Concord, California.

The state of Ohio boasts a pretty impressive list of celebrities and entertainers who could have nailed the voice over assignment here. Again taking from cleveland.com; how does Halle Berry, Drew Carey, or Terrence Howard sound, Cleveland? If that doesn’t do it for you, how about Arsenio Hall, Trent Reznor, or Wes Craven? No go there? Does Steve Harvey, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, or Ed O’Neill tickle your fancy? If none of those work, you have to believe Kid Cudi, Tracy Chapman, or Kathryn Hahn would have done the trick.

What’s done is done. The name, logo, and video are all out for Cleveland baseball fans to enjoy. Maybe the next time a team with an insensitive name changes, their social media team doesn’t drop the ball like the Guardians did. Until then, let the useless Twitter arguments and dumpster fire comment sections on politics in sports continue to rage until we’re all blue in the face and we’ve solved nothing.

Sunday State of Mind: August 31st-September 6th

Photo: Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Happy Labor Day Weekend! Enjoy this holiday weekend SSM.

The sometimes awful world of social media
This week gained a baseball encyclopedia
That’s right folks, the GOAT, Vin Scully has decided to join
Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, excited for Vin to get going

Deshaun Watson, Texans quarterback, got his big contract extension
Four years, $160 million, no need for any pension
Watson’s not only a good quarterback, but a good man
This, this, and this, consider me a fan

This weekend we had a small dose of college football
Admittedly weak slate, biggest team playing was Marshall
Still good to see some shoulder pads popping
Hopefully the college football season won’t be stopping

Sunday State of Mind: August 10th-August 16th

Photo: Shifaaz shamoon on Unsplash

Hello, and welcome to this week’s SSM.

The NBA playoffs are ready to go
The postseason tournament starts tomorrow
The champions will pop some champagne bottles
Big loss for the players though, no Instagram models

We already know The Masters have been pushed back
But come November, golf fans will be jacked
Unfortunately, Augusta announced this week
No fans due to COVID this year, not one in-person peek

The COVID ravaged Cardinals actually played a game!
Their first since July 29th, what a shame
They swept the White Sox in a double header
Hopefully lesson learned, and the players will be better

Ohio State QB Justin Fields, not a quitter
Started a MoveOn.org petition, asking the B1G to reconsider
A continued push of the #WeWantToPlay movement
If this petition goes anywhere, we could see some college football improvement

Sunday State of Mind (SSM): June 29th-July 5th

We hope everyone had a wonderful, safe, socially-distanced holiday weekend. With all of the loud fireworks, long days at the pool and on the boat, and late nights around the bonfire, it’s time to take the foot off of the gas, slow it down, and find your center with this week’s SSM…

The NBA is getting close, to a return to play
Positive tests for players and staff, causing some dismay
Adam Silver, the commish, says it’s no guarantee
That if the virus continues to spread, the season will finish completely

More COVID news effecting sports, this time the NFL
Teams are allowing fans to change their season tickets, opt out or sell
Bears, Bills, Jets, Texans, Giants and Patriots have so far allowed this plan
Who wants to see any of these teams live anyways, not even die hard fans

Speaking of the NFL, Tom Brady at it again
Flirting on Instagram, with his boy Julian Edelman
Cam Newton is now in town, the new king of Foxborough
With Belichick and Cam, Pats might go 16-0

Deron Williams is finally off the books, for The Brooklyn Nets
Bobby Bonilla continues to fleece The New York Mets
A big week for hilarious contracts, we have to say
Good for Deron Williams, and Happy Bobby Bonilla Day!