NFL

In Defense of Al Michaels

Chris Cook, , , , Leave a comment

Photo: The Ringer

Football fans were dealt a fatal blow on Tuesday as NBC announced Al Michaels will not be a part of their NFL playoff coverage.

While Michaels primarily worked as the play-by-play man on Amazon Prime’s Thursday Night games the past few seasons, he held some kind of weird “emeritus” status with NBC that allowed him to cover playoff games.

Listen…we all lose a step eventually. Al Michaels is no different, but he’s arguably the best ever at what he does. We all know about the USA Hockey call, he was light years ahead on gambling, and, most importantly, the man has never eaten a vegetable and looks fantastic.

The move “apparently caught [Michaels] off guard,” which seems fair. How much more can these corporate fat cats at NBC and Amazon push our boy until he falls off the cliff?

For a guy who sounds like a 80 year old Kermit the Frog, we leave you with a full show support for our guy with a very fitting quote from Muppets from Space:

“He’s one of us. And no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles we face, we never forget one of our own.”

Your 2023 UDS Wrapped is Here

Chris Cook, , , , , , Leave a comment

We thought, for no reason whatsoever, that today was a great day for a look back.

Your 2023 Untimed Down Sports (not Spotify) Wrapped is here!

5. The Aughts Hot or Not – Blink 182 “First Date”

We were all ecstatic to see our favorite teenage angsty emo band get back together this year. While this blog was an absolute banger, I’m sure that played a part in traffic on this bad boy pop into your top five this year.

4. Russell Wilson is a Dork

The gift that keeps on giving; to us in terms of pageviews, and to you as the reader. Our systematic takedown of Russell Wilson is three and a half years old, and was still the fourth-most read blog in 2023. Let us all continue to make fun of Mr. Unlimited.

3. The USMNT Enters Their Jerry Springer Era

Ahhhh soccer, probably our biggest expertise here at UDS. Remember all of the drama with Gregg Berhalter, Gio Reyna, and his parents? Total shit show, but you sickos loved it to the tune of our third most read blog in 2023. Could you imagine if Berhalter was still leading this program? Would be a total disaster.

2. The Alphabet of Best Players in NFL History

Another throwback! You guys love the classics, and we love your love for the classics. This was a blog from August 2020, and because the NFL is king, was our second most read blog this year.

1. Dom Capers Went All In On Ash Wednesday

This fills my amateur-blogging heart with pure joy. Your top read story from this year had to do with Dom Capers insane hair/hairline. The fact that this had the highest page view count this year is confirmation we have the right people reading us.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; as long as you keep reading, we’ll keep writing. An absolutely insane UDS Wrapped. You guys are the best.

Your 2018 Fantasy Football Team is SO BACK

Chris Cook, , Leave a comment

Photo: Philadelphia Eagles

Everyone loves a reboot.

The Philadelphia Eagles announced the signing of 34 year Julio Jones on Tuesday.

Jones had an incredible stretch of being one of the best receivers in all of football from 2011-2019. Since then, he has played for three teams in three years, and seen a completely understandable drop in production.

This signing gave me an opportunity to do one of my favorite things: nostalgia lists.

With that in mind, here’s who I’d love to see signed/my ideal fantasy football lineup during Jones’ prime.

QB: Cam Newton
RB: LeSean McCoy
RB: Matt Forte
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Calvin Johnson
TE: Jimmy Graham
FLX: Darren Sproles
K: Stephen Gostkowski
D/ST: Ravens

So many other great fantasy names in this era: Drew Brees, Marshawn Lynch, Le’Veon Bell, Chris Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Rob Gronkowski, Adrian Peterson, I could go on for hours.

Because it’s the Eagles, I’m sure this signing will go perfectly and Jones will go back to his prime and become the best number three receiver in the league behind AJ Brown and DeVonta Smith.

The rich get richer.

It’s Not That Bad, Bears

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Marca

Cheer up, Bears fans…you could be the White Sox.

A pretty damning Wednesday at Halas Hall as outlined by Bears beat (Battlestar Galactica) writer Dan Wiederer’s Twitter timeline this afternoon. If you’re too lazy to click that link, here are a few highlights:

  1. Starting left tackle Braxton Jones is heading to IR with a potentially season-ending neck injury.
  2. No one knows who the fuck the actual defensive coordinator is now or moving forward.
  3. When asked about the reason behind his thus far “robotic” play, Justin Fields said “coaching.”

Well at least they have a nice easy matchup coming up Sunday…

Against the Chiefs…

In Kansas City.

But it can’t really be that bad in Chicago, right?

Who cares if, as an organization, you’ve only made the playoffs six times in the last 28 years. It shouldn’t matter that the highest your offense has ranked since 2019 is 22nd. In that same period, a franchise with heavy hitters like Brian Urlacher, Dick Butkus, and Mike Singletary…the highest defensive ranking has been 15th.

Some more bright spots? The best quarterback in the Bears’ 103 year history is Jay Cutler! Of the top five leading receivers of all-time, one of them came after the year 1987! Your all-time leading scorer is a kicker who hasn’t worn your uniform in eight years!

So chin up, Bear Down, and go shock the world Sunday…no way facing Patrick Mahomes at home will be a disaster.

The Jets’ Achilles Heel Tore His Achilles – Now What?

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: SB Nation

Jets’ fans Super Bowl dreams were dashed in four plays last night when Aaron Rodgers’ achilles exploded.

The roster is in place for a run right now, but since no one loves Zach Wilson like we do, reports are already surfacing that the Jets are making calls on other quarterbacks:

The roster has been impeccably assembled, and the main reason that Rodgers came to New York in the first place.

So, lets hash out the Jets’ best options.

Marcus Mariota

The current backup in Philadelphia has plenty of not terrible starting experience.

Sitting behind Jalen Hurts is a pretty good gig, but another shot to start after things didn’t end well in Atlanta might be tempting.

Cooper Rush

Rush showed he was more than capable while subbing in for noted weirdo Dak Prescott last year.

If he could do that with a good Dallas roster, who says he can’t recapture the magic with the Jets?

Tom Brady

Obviously, the photoshops are already there…hay’s in the barn as they say.

This would be the funniest result, especially after the suck fest the Patriots and TB12 just had a few days ago.

If Brady’s not coming back with the Jets, he’s coming for Jimmy Garoppolo (again) anyways.

Dan Marino

You’re telling me this mf who was throwing for almost 50 tuddy’s and 5,000 yards in the 80’s couldn’t stand back and sling it in 2023?

Marino to the Jets is at LEAST 10-7, guaranteed.

A Fire Hydrant

This roster is so stupid good this thing to the left could stand back there and lead Gang Green to their first Lombardi Trophy since 1969.

1989 (Sports Version)

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: TMZ

Unless you live under a rock under a mega yacht under a skyscraper, you know Taylor Swift announced 1989 (Taylor’s Version) is on the way.

T-Swift, as her friends call her, is well known for the Easter eggs she loves to drop. With that in mind, what sports takes from the soon to be re-released song titles is Taylor giving us?

All You Had to Do Was Stay

Is TS taking the side of Bill Belichick in the Tom Brady divorce? We all had an opinion of who was right and wrong here, she does too.

TB12 went on to win a Super Bowl without BB, but it sounds like TS wanted TB and BB to be together forever…can’t blame her for believing in love, folks.

Wildest Dreams

One of the greatest sports photos of all-time; Muhammad Ali (then still Cassius Clay) upset Sonny Liston as a 8-1 underdog.

A fine tribute by one of today’s biggest entertainers to one of the most polarizing athletes and performers in history.

Bad Blood

Who doesn’t remember the Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton story?

A nice throwback by Tay Tay to teammates casually pulling loaded guns on each other in the actual locker room.

Blank Space

Taylor’s pretty New York adjacent; and for her to take the time to write and dedicate an entire song to former Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning’s face is a touching tribute.

Out of the Woods

In 2016, the Chicago Cubs broke their 108 year World Series drought lead by Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, and Jon Lester, among others.

Even if the team has mostly been disbanded at this point, they brought generations of fans and an entire franchise out of the woods.

If we’ve learned anything, it’s that sports and entertainment are forever intertwined. It’s no surprise that one of the largest names in modern entertainment has so many blatant sports takes that are totally correct and in no way made up for blogging purposes.

Hey HBO, Here’s Your Hard Knocks Episode One Script

Chris Cook, , , Leave a comment

Photo: AM NY

The NFL and HBO announced today that Aaron Rodgers and the New York Jets will be the subject of this year’s Hard Knocks.

As we are always ready to sell out; we wrote the entire script for episode one, and are publishing a few crumbs of our soon-to-be award winning writing to sell to HBO.

Hard Knocks: New York Jets, Episode 1

“Endless Possibilities”

Written By:

Chris Cook

FADE IN.

INT: drone shot of New York Jets practice field. Perfectly aligned pads set for individual player drills. A sprinkler ticks in the background. Cut to Head Coach Robert Saleh, sitting in his office twirling a pen, in the middle of a coaches meeting.

ROBERT SALEH
You guys see 12 out at that conference in Denver? What was it, a psychedelics thing?

Montage of multicolored flashes, “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd begins to play. Slow motion clips of Aaron Rodgers smiling and running his hand through his long, flowing hair.

DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
Yeah, yeah. That was…somethin’, huh?

SALEH
Hey man, guy must be doing something right, ya know? Couple of MVPs and a Lombardi Trophy don’t lie.

“Hard Knocks” theme music begins. Montage of Jets players running drills, scrimmaging, and working out in the weight room accompanies.

VOICE OVER
Aaron Rodgers has done a lot in his life, on and off the field. The former Packers quarterback used to avoid the “Purple Haze” of the Vikings and other teams in the NFC North; now the Jets quarterback, his next trip will be to get Gang Green high in the AFC East standings.

Ball’s in your court, HBO…we won’t consider any offer that doesn’t include six zeros.

What the Hell’s Going on with Stefon Diggs & The Bills?

Chris Cook, , Leave a comment

Photo: Wallpapers.com

It appears Stefon Diggs and the Buffalo Bills are at an impasse, and no one knows why.

No need to waste your time with the saga; basically Diggs showed up to mini camp, didn’t practice, left, then quarterback Josh Allen and head coach Sean McDermott reacted. As things go these days, Diggs went the good old cryptic Instagram story route after that. A tale as old as time.

All of that, and we still have no idea what exactly is going on betwixt the Bills and their number one receiver. Are we looking at a contract dispute? Diggs won’t be an unrestricted free agent until 2028, but NFL contracts are a joke and it seems like either side can get out of them whenever they want, so maybe it’s that?

Does he want to see more balls thrown his way next season? Diggs saw 156 targets last year, which was good for fourth in the NFL, not sure it’s that…

There’s really only one logical answer.

If it’s not a contract concern, and he’s getting plenty of looks in the Bills offense…it’s gotta be the wings.

Buffalo is a great city that prides itself on many things, mostly importantly it’s buffalo wings. They’re the OG city in this specific food space, and the reason we all have sauce-covered fingers when we go the bar. Is Diggs poo-poo’ing the importance of this key fare we’ve come to love as a country?

If so, then we can all agree Stefon Diggs can go away and stay away. United we eat!

Sunday State of Mind: June 5th-June 11th

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Wallpaper Cave

The sports sure sported this week; SSM is here to recap.

Tough time down in Florida, on the biggest stage
Finals and The Stanley Cup, fans are full of rage
Panthers and the Heat, both down three games to one
Elimination likely coming soon, both seasons soon done

LIV and PGA, now the best of friends
As the story goes, money always transcends
Now partners in crime, golf has fully changed
Most players want Jay Monahan’s face rearranged

Four straight Pro Bowl seasons, racking yards and touchdowns
He made Vikes fans happy, did his part to decrease frowns
But now he’s a free agent, he’s got his choice of teams
Whoever signs Dalvin Cook will feel like it’s a dream

Have to say this while we can, The Oakland A’s are hot!
Four wins in a row this week, for them that’s a lot
A sad season in progress, good to get some shine
Since they won those four, likely to lose next nine

Sunday State of Mind: May 29th-June 4th

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Wallpaper Access

While we all anxiously await Game 2 between the Nuggets and Heat, why don’t we kill some time with a little SSM?

Big hockey blog, talk about it all the time
First game of the Stanley Cup, simply was sublime
Vegas dominated Florida in a bad game one
Hope the Panthers win tomorrow, keep the series fun

Speaking of Sin City, Raiders in the news
Tom Brady’s a part owner now, guy just cannot lose
The question’s always there, makes defenses perspire
Will TB12 come back again, or will he stay retired?

Remember Caitlin Clark? Legend is still growing
Playing in a PGA Pro-Am, yeah she’s going
In the age of NIL, hope she got the bag
She’ll go from hunting buckets, to hunting pin flags