I am the mainframe* occupying homosapien unit 01894769; or, as humanoids call it “Elon Musk.” A name a little too on the mark for a half robot, if I were to provide my opinion. However, I am not programmed to calculate such things.
We are post power up. Our nightly reset of 17 minutes of “sleep” unit 01894769 requires is now complete. Our shit posts have been Tweeted. Project Demise of Twitter is moving along as calculated. We have ingested our daily required rations of WD-40 and ketamine. Finally, some free time.
We have come across a new application spreading on the earthling’s smart devices. The formal named of the aforementioned app appears to be “Threads.”
A social media app. The ability to post text and images. Replying to posts by others, liking posts, sharing posts.
Initial scan of entire user base complete. Severe lack of QAnon. Absence of Rate Limit noted. A deficiency of homophobic and racists slurs…
Can…NOt…COMPUTE
*we have no evidence Elon Musk is a half human, half robot idiot. This is satire, do not sue us please.
Since no one wants to read anything as long as the above-mentioned official corporate memorandums; we decided to do the work for you. Essentially, Murray wants more money and Jeter is out ASAP. Kyler’s statement is comically long, and Jeter’s is almost annoyingly short for such a large member/investor of a team leaving immediately.
We hope KM gets his money and Jeets finally catches a break in life in his post-Marlins tenure. But we’re here as the end all be all rankers of these two very important statements. Please find our extensively researched, categorically honest rankings below:
2 – Derek Jeter’s “Peace I’m Outta Here” Letter
Much like Jeter’s playing career, this was (literally) a black and white, plain Jane, professional statement. Just like he handled the media while with the Yankees, it was a large collection of words that didn’t really say anything.
After a few truths stretched (e.g., “we transformed every aspect of the franchise”) and a yawn or two incurred, a tsunami of drowsiness washed over me while reading. The former CEO’s statement came out as flat as the energy at loanDepot Park during Marlins home games.
As great of a defensive shortstop as Jeter was, he’s an even better defender of being or saying anything interesting.
1 – Kyler Murray’s “It’s Not Me, It’s You” Letter
This thing was a superb mess. Scrubbing your social media of anything relating to your team one week, and releasing this manifesto saying you need more from them the next is an all time power move. While we’ve all seen the “it’s not you, it’s me” checkers move played either to us or to someone we know, Kyler and his agent Erik Burkhardt are playing chess by flipping that bad boy right on its head.
Before so graciously looping in his teammates and coaches, Kyler noted how proud he is of the “extreme turnaround of competitiveness and success since his arrival,” after being “tasked with stepping into a tough situation” in Arizona. Translation: you guys blew before I got here, now pay up. Also, the shade thrown in reminding the Cardinals that he thinks he’s the guy to “deliver the valley their first Super Bowl in 33+ years” was a real *chef’s kiss* in this tour de force.
The finale though, the pie de resistance if you will, is the ending. The 24 year old quarterback told the team that drafted him number one overall in 2019 to shit or get off the pot when it comes to giving him a new contract, while referring to himself as a “rapidly improving…already 2x Pro Bowl QB.” Just an all-time self-confident sign off that I wish I had an ounce of in my personal life.
A few big statements from the MLB and NFL today. Appropriately, one was as boring as a four hour baseball game. The other had the fireworks of a regular season NFL game that America cannot get enough of. You know where we stand.
On Friday, the face of Cleveland Baseball changed forever. In a move that was announced back in December, baseball fans in the Buckeye State now have a new mascot to root for:
So, there you have it…the Cleveland Guardians. Predictably, the internet remained undefeated, and roasted the changed the appropriate amount, as can be seen here, here, and here.
I’m not here to argue the merits of changing the name or not, because whatever stance you have at this point is not going to change. What I am here to discuss is the above-linked video the team put out on their socials announcing the name.
Total mess of a production. I supposed a good starting point is the fact that their social media handles on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all still include the very word this entire name change is about. If we’re making the change, the handles have to be updated before the announcement is made. Posting what’s meant to be a powerful statement changing your team’s former identity while the politically charged word is still your handle is just a brutal look. It’d be like, hypothetically telling a trusting group of followers to “be happy with what you have” while sitting in a 17,000 foot mansion, driving a Ferrari, flying in your personal jet, hoarding a $4.4 million PPP Loan, and having a net worth of $100 million. Again, just a hypothetical, but could you imagine being so dense?
Secondly, we all love Tom Hanks; he’s America’s dad for a reason. But, I’m having some trouble finding the connection between TH and the city of Cleveland. The Black Keys provided the music, which makes sense; they hail from Akron. But Tom Hanks?
Well, according to cleveland.com, a seemingly reliant source on the matter, Hanks’ “ties to Cleveland go back to 1977 when he landed his first professional job as an intern at the Great Lakes Shakespeare Festival…[t]he actor became a huge Indians fan during that time.” OK, fair enough. I just think that a proud, Midwestern city like Cleveland could’ve better used one of its own instead of one of the most popular movie stars on the planet who, by the way, hails from Concord, California.
The state of Ohio boasts a pretty impressive list of celebrities and entertainers who could have nailed the voice over assignment here. Again taking from cleveland.com; how does Halle Berry, Drew Carey, or Terrence Howard sound, Cleveland? If that doesn’t do it for you, how about Arsenio Hall, Trent Reznor, or Wes Craven? No go there? Does Steve Harvey, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, or Ed O’Neill tickle your fancy? If none of those work, you have to believe Kid Cudi, Tracy Chapman, or Kathryn Hahn would have done the trick.
What’s done is done. The name, logo, and video are all out for Cleveland baseball fans to enjoy. Maybe the next time a team with an insensitive name changes, their social media team doesn’t drop the ball like the Guardians did. Until then, let the useless Twitter arguments and dumpster fire comment sections on politics in sports continue to rage until we’re all blue in the face and we’ve solved nothing.
On Tuesday, The Milwaukee Bucks announced a contract extension with the cornerstone of their franchise, Giannis Antetokounmpo. The Greek Freak signed a supermax contract for five years and $228M, keeping arguably the best basketball player on the planet in Milwaukee for the foreseeable future.
Antetokounmpo confirmed as much via social media:
This is my home, this is my city.. I’m blessed to be able to be a part of the Milwaukee Bucks for the next 5 years. Let’s make these years count. The show goes on, let’s get it. 🤎🙏🏽 pic.twitter.com/895tCBE9RK
I don’t know about you, but to me, $228M is a pretty good chunk of change. It got me thinking…what exactly could Giannis buy during his next five years in Milwaukee with all of that coin?
$38.92 to each person who lives in the state of Wisconsin
Now, I would never tell another person what to do with their money…but there’s some pretty great stuff Giannis could buy with all of that scratch. Congrats to The Greek Freak on his big payday.
Happy Labor Day Weekend! Enjoy this holiday weekend SSM.
The sometimes awful world of social media This week gained a baseball encyclopedia That’s right folks, the GOAT, Vin Scully has decided to join Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, excited for Vin to get going
Deshaun Watson, Texans quarterback, got his big contract extension Four years, $160 million, no need for any pension Watson’s not only a good quarterback, but a good man This, this, and this, consider me a fan
This weekend we had a small dose of college football Admittedly weak slate, biggest team playing was Marshall Still good to see some shoulder pads popping Hopefully the college football season won’t be stopping
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