Author: Chris Cook

Let’s Learn About the Teams in the MLB Playoffs

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Photo: MLB.com

October is here, which means playoff baseball.

The MLB Playoffs kick off today, and they usually deliver. Baseball’s still a long season that makes it hard to keep up with, so why don’t we learn a few fun facts about each team?

Los Angeles Dodgers – the NL’s number one seed spent just over twelve trillion dollars on this year’s roster.

New York Yankees – the top dog in the AL is hoping to bring home World Series number 27 for all of the Lakers and Cowboys fans out there.

Philadelphia Phillies – Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni has come out in huge support of the Fightin’ Phils…anything to take the attention off of how bad his team looks so far this season.

Cleveland Guardians – José Ramírez fell one home run short of joining the 40/40 club this season, “he should be sent down to the minors for such a piss poor effort,” said Shohei Ohtani.

Milwaukee Brewers – the Brew Crew is the ultimate scrappy, lower budger franchise you love to root for…except they employed Ryan Braun so we all have to hate them, it’s the law.

Houston Astros – the trash can bangers are back in business baby, don’t let the rule book hit you on the way out.

San Diego Padres – the perfect city with the perfect alternate uniforms. If they don’t wear these at least four times in the playoffs they have no shot.

Baltimore Orioles – the last time the Orioles were in back to back playoffs was in 1996-1997, at which point nine of their current players were not even born.

Atlanta Braves – the exact opposite of the Orioles, the Bravos are in for the seventh straight year. Not sure if this is accurate or not, but scientists note that since the last time the Braves missed the playoffs, the Earth has gone around the Sun seven times. Science is crazy.

Kansas City Royals – if I had a gun to my head and was told to name the Royals manager, I would not be sitting here writing this blog. Matt Quatraro is his name. The skipper never made it to the majors, but was a .286 hitter with 23 home runs and 202 RBI in his minor league career.

New York Mets – The Metropolitans snuck in yesterday after splitting a double header with the Braves. Do you think Mr. and Mrs. Met celebrated appropriately?

Detroit Tigers – I was as surprised as you to see the Tigs on the above bracket, but make no mistake they are a playoff team. Since Javy Báez had season ending surgery on August 26th, they are 21-10…that is simply a true statistic, and not a comment on the fact that as much as we love Javy, he would swing and miss sand if he were at the beach.

We love playoff baseball, and we hope you do to. If you don’t like playoff baseball, then you suck as much as Ryan Braun.

Is Derrick Rose the Greatest Plant Name in Sports?

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Photo: LALSOFT

Derrick Rose announced his retirement today. The youngest MVP in NBA history has called it a career after 15 seasons with the Bulls, Knicks, Cavaliers, Timberwolves, Pistons, and Grizzlies.

The only thing that may have surpassed his athleticism is his name. But does he have the best botanical name in sports? Let’s dig in.

Basil McRae – played 18 seasons in the NHL, recording 52 goals and 83 assists.

Bud Adams – former owner of the Tennessee Titans.

Jasmine Jones – fourth place finisher in the 2024 Olympic 400 meter hurdles.

Ted Lilly – won 130 games, career ERA of 4.14.

Clover – the 2024 NBA champion Boston Celtics.

The Masters Azaleas – beautiful.

Pretty clear cut here. The seeds of interest have lead us down this interesting road, but our opinion here is pretty deep rooted. Derrick Rose is one of the greatest “what ifs” stories in sports, but we won’t make this blog too sappy. So, we wish a happy retirement to Pooh.

Bryce Young Has Some Free Time

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Photo: The Charlotte Observer

After another, uh, subpar afternoon for Bryce Young, the team announced this morning that he will be benched.

Last year’s number one overall pick will give way to Andy Dalton moving forward. So, what should Bryce do with his free time?

  • Focus on the Future: keep things positive. Don’t dwell on the past successes, only envision the good things that lay ahead. If there’s one thing Young has that every QB needs, it’s a short memory.
  • Play Monopoly: not just playing the board game, which usually does kill a lot of time. Bryce can also participate interactively as the thimble game piece.
  • Deep Cleaning: it’s always a good time to tidy up the house; while he may need some help with the rest of the house, if Young can get on his tippy toes he could get his baseboards shimmering in no time.
  • Jockey: a potential career change, and would be in plenty of time to make next May’s Kentucky Derby.
  • Ratatouille: a great way to keep in the game, Bryce would have more than enough room in The Red Rifle’s helmet to get in game visual reps.

This benching is surely only a small bump in the road for what will turn into a giant career for Bryce Young. We won’t sell him short; he will reach heights he never thought possible. The future wins will dwarf this teeny-weeny setback.

Joe Mazzulla Continues to be a Nutjob

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Photo: Associated Press

Joe Mazzulla is a NBA Championship coach, that is a fact. Joe Mazzulla is also a crazy person, both can be true.

On the Locked On Celtics podcast, Mazzulla was asked a variant of the “how do you defend your title?” question that every single championship coach has been asked in the history of sports. But our boy is not one for coach speak, no no no. Joey Mazz decided to give us this gem:

This man is a national treasure. He’s so weird you can’t be mad at him.

He works hard, he does not hardly work. He takes lemonade and makes lemons. He makes chicken shit out of chicken salad.

The only ice cream Joe Mazzulla will eat is Rocky Road because he’s so god damn gritty. When the countertops at his house get dusty, don’t you dare offer a rag and a bottle of Pledge. Coach will take a swig of lukewarm water and spit shine those bad boys. Money’s always a concern these days…that’s why Mazzulla still balances his checkbook.

As long as this man is leading the Boston Celtics, I don’t see any reason they can’t repeat as champions. I only say “as long as,” because there’s a non zero chance that if Mazzulla discovers something he finds more difficult than repeating as NBA champions, he might just quit and go do that.

Chiefs. Ravens. Collision Course.

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Photo: Arrowhead Pride

Football is back. We’ve got Chiefs & Ravens on Thursday Night Football, and it’s time to teach Grandma and Grandpa how to get to Peacock.

What’s your favorite part about football season? Is it having your plans automatically set for Thursday, Friday, and 12 hours of your Saturdays and Sundays? Shit talking other fanbases on Twitter? How about a legitimate reason to start boozing at noon?

There’s no wrong answer.

I’ve never been one to wish summer away; but it’s starting to feel chilly in the mornings and that should get any football fan’s engine revving. Sweatshirts, blankets, and ditching your iced coffee are right around the corner…don’t be sad that summer’s over, smile because football season is happening.

So make sure to iron your alumni polos, dust off that jersey that only sees the light of day from September though January, and lock in for the next sixth months in which your happiness will be determined by a brown lemon shaped ball crossing a white line.

We’re One Step Closer to College Football

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Photo: Football Scoop

We’ve crossed another checkpoint in getting closer to college football.

The preseason AP Top 25 is out, and we’ve got the most pressing headlines for each ranked team.

25. Iowa Hawkeyes: How bad will Brian Ferentz be rooting against this team all season?

24. North Carolina State Wolfpack: Does it suck being the second best Wolfpack we know about?

23. USC Trojans: Since we returned Reggie Bush’s Heisman, can we get some of OJ’s stuff?

22. Kansas Jayhawks: When will this senseless lack of a Mark Mangino Day end?

21. Arizona Wildcats: Have we talked enough about the fact that from 2012-2020 this program was lead by Rich Rodriguez and Kevin Sumlin?

20. Texas A&M Aggies: You guys are weird, and you know it, just own it.

19. Miami Hurricanes: Has this program lost the “Back” race to Texas?

18. Kansas State Wildcats: Has there ever been a program that more represents being ranked 18th?

17. Oklahoma State Cowboys: This ranking matches Mike Gundy’s average BAC whenever driving.

16. Oklahoma Sooners: Brent Venables just signed a six year extension; why does it feel if he gets off to a slow start Bob Stoops is going to swoop in?

15. Tennessee Volunteers: How can this team survive without a QB who can’t throw an orange 100 yards?

14. Clemson Tigers: Without a shadow of a doubt, Dabo Swinney is using this ranking as a sign from above.

13. LSU Tigers: As Brian Kelly continues his transition into a true Cajun, we received an exclusive look at where he would like to be by the end of the season.

12. Utah Utes: Cam Rising continues to shatter glass ceilings in his 17th season as a college quarterback.

11. Missouri Tigers: We need some real journalism done on if there has ever been a better AD/Head Coach name combo than Laird Veatch & Eliah Drinkwitz.

10. Florida State Seminoles: If this ranking holds all season, will the NCAA keep the Seminoles out of the playoff again?

9. Michigan Wolverines: If you think about it, no one would actually expect Sherrone Moore to use Connor Stalions again…might be the perfect time to try.

8. Penn State Nittany Lions: Will this be the first year anything exciting happens for PSU since they’ve had Saquon Barkley?

7. Notre Dame Fighting Irish: This season should be more successful than last, The Golden Domers will have more time to focus on football instead of arguing who’s hotter between their quarterback and head coach.

6. Ole Miss Rebels: Lane Kiffin will call this ranking rat poison, but he continues to be the best head coach on Twitter so honestly the Rebs should be ranked number one.

5. Alabama Crimson Tide: If Nick Saban retired and the team’s still ranked this high, how much of the progrum’s success can we attribute to him?

4. Texas Longhorns: If we don’t see Arch Manning throw more than five passes this season we riot.

3. Oregon Ducks: With the conference move to the Big Ten, will The Oregon Duck mascot have to do less pushups than he did in his Pac 12 days?

2. Ohio State Buckeyes: While Ryan Day was born on third, his team opens up the season ranked second.

1. Georgia Bulldogs: Sure Kirby Smart and his boys can dangerously and irresponsibly race their cars, but can they continue their growing dynasty and keep up the pace in a new SEC?

We can all taste college football at this point. The release of the preseason rankings, however meaningless, gives us another thing to argue about online…and isn’t that what sports is all about?

¡Dalé! Pitbull is Finally Getting His Own Stadium

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Photo: Entertainment Weekly

Pitbull is not only one of our most beloved international entertainers, but now the namesake of Florida International University’s football stadium.

That’s right, this fall the Panthers will welcome visitors (if they’re brave enough), into Pitbull Stadium. Mr. 305 will loom larger than ever when Central Michigan comes to town for the home opener on September 7th. Those poor Chippewas won’t have any idea what hit ’em.

But why stop at stadium naming rights for Mr. Worldwide? Why not make FIU home games a complete immersive experience?

There’s some easy wins here: Fireball shots are an automatic addition to concession stands. Wins (which, after this deal, there will be many) for FIU can be accompanied by “Don’t Stop the Party,” etc.

But how can we really take this thing to the next level, as Pitbull would expect all of us to do?

A lot of local Miami teams wisely try to keep their game day experiences in alignment with their vibrant portion of the country, and FIU should be no different. When the Panthers get a first down? Have to play “Moviendolo” when the chain gang does their job. An opposing player gets hurt? “No Lo Trates.” When that dominating Panther defense takes the field? “Ni Rosas Ni Juguetes.“

These are all just off the top of the dome…just like the shiny, bald dome of our Lord and Savior Mr. 305. There has to be thousands of more opportunities for both Pitbull and FIU to take this partnership to the moon. Consider us FIU Panther fans henceforth.

Paws up!

Football. Is. Back.

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Photo: Houston Texans

The Bears. The Texans. Tyson Bagent. Davis Mills.

Football is back.

The NFL preseason officially kicks off tonight in Canton, Ohio with the annual Hall of Fame game. While we likely won’t see a single starter tonight; we will still see helmets, a football, and grass. For now, that’s enough.

The Bears and Texans will actually be a legitimately fun matchup when they play each other in week two of the regular season. However, tonight will be a preview of next week’s Hard Knocks. No Caleb Williams, no CJ Stroud, no DJ Moore, no Stefon Diggs.

If you’re a real degenerate sicko, the Bears are currently a 1.5 point favorite with an O/U of 30.5. The corporate fat cats at FanDuel and DraftKings won’t let us be great and bet player props, but if you’re really itching, the spread and totals will have to do. I personally have faith in you cashing in, responsibly of course.

Welcome back, football (betting).

You Don’t Know Shit About the Olympics

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Photo: NPR

The Olympic Games are almost here, friends. The world’s best have arrived in Paris for tonight’s (Paris time) opening ceremony and we’ve got nothing but weird sports in front of us.

We heard a nasty rumor that you don’t know what is and what isn’t an Olympic sport, is that true?

We’re going to give you a list; some are sports in this year’s Olympics, some not. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (or not, whatever), is to pick out what are actual games that will be played in Paris. We’ll provide some white space and then give the correct answers at the bottom of this blog.

Don’t you dare cheat…you’re not an Russian Olympian.

Cooking
Texting
Athletics
Cleaning
Fencing
Speed Reading
Interning
Breaking
Judo
Manual Transmission Driving
IKEA Furniture Assembling
Humble Bragging
Plugging in Your Phone in the Dark
Trampoline
Writing Dumb Blogs

Do you have you answers?

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You didn’t cheat did you?

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OK, here’s the answers.

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Before you get the answers, did you think this was fun or a total waste of time?

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OK, here’s the answers, for real this time

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Athletics
Fencing
Breaking
Judo
Trampoline

This was an extremely difficult exam, but I believe in you, I bet you did great. You get a gold medal.

The Aughts Hot or Not – Big Sean “My Last”

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Photo: CNN Entertainment

We are officially back from summer break, and it appears Big Sean is back in the rap beef game.

The Detroit rapper went on “On The Radar” yesterday and appeared to take a jab at the recent funeral of Drake…I mean his battle with Kendrick Lamar.

Whether Big Sean meant it or not, it opened up a creaky door we haven’t used in a while…the one that leads to “Aughts Hot or Not.”

Today, let’s go back to 2011 and revisit Big Sean’s “My Last”

Music Video

Not ideal that we don’t get any lyrics until nearly a minute into this thing; even worse, the first ones we hear are from Chris Brown.

We also see very early on that being at high landmarks seems to be something very important to Big Sean here. A terrace overlooking some city (assuming LA), sitting in a chair on the top floor of a building, etc. Not sure the meaning behind this, other than maybe that’s where Chris Brown was currently hiding from the cops and couldn’t be seen anywhere else.

The next minute and a half or so is Sean drinking what appears like Mountain Dew Code Red and looking at every woman that walks by whilst talking to another woman sitting directly in front of him…kind of rude. Right before the three minute mark, we finally start to get a change of scenery, which is a classic Aughts location of what seems like a closet with some shiny wallpaper on it with a lot of shoulder shimmying and pointing to the camera.

The remainder of the video is quick cuts of the template music video “party,” and the other two locations already shown.

Meh.

Best Lyric

Since I signed to Kan’, I’m Louis Vuitton shine
Up in Benny Han Han eating all the wonton
Rosé rose over a little Chandon
Put her hands down my pants, now she rocking Sean John

Benihana wontons, amazing. Rosé, lovely. Louis Vuitton, if that’s your thing. Just the right amount of crass at the end, perfect.

Only downside here is that we not only have a Kanye West (God I miss old Kanye) reference, we also have a nod to Diddy…so this obviously aged well.

Worst Lyric

Hands up in the air
I just want the, I just want the baddest bitch in the world right here on my lap
And I’ma hit this drink up like it’s my last, I’ma hit this night up like it’s my last
I’ma I’ma, hmm, hmm, like it’s my last
Swear I’ma, swear I’ma do it like

and

Like I never had it at
All, all, all, all, all, all, all, all
Like I, like I, like I never had it at
All, all, all, all, all, all, all, all
Like I, like I, like I never had it at

and

Big ass bottles, big ice buckets
I work too hard to be ballin on a budget
Me and my people do it big out in public
‘Cause if you don’t do it big bitch you ain’t doing nothing

This is everything Chris Brown sings in this song.

Rating

I remember this one being a banger back in the day, but we’ve got a lot of negatives here. Boring video, Kanye & Diddy references, and Chris Brown. This is a begrudging rating we’re giving here.

Rating: Two Carson Daly’s

Photo: USA Today