Let’s Learn About the Teams in the MLB Playoffs

Photo: MLB.com

October is here, which means playoff baseball.

The MLB Playoffs kick off today, and they usually deliver. Baseball’s still a long season that makes it hard to keep up with, so why don’t we learn a few fun facts about each team?

Los Angeles Dodgers – the NL’s number one seed spent just over twelve trillion dollars on this year’s roster.

New York Yankees – the top dog in the AL is hoping to bring home World Series number 27 for all of the Lakers and Cowboys fans out there.

Philadelphia Phillies – Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni has come out in huge support of the Fightin’ Phils…anything to take the attention off of how bad his team looks so far this season.

Cleveland Guardians – José Ramírez fell one home run short of joining the 40/40 club this season, “he should be sent down to the minors for such a piss poor effort,” said Shohei Ohtani.

Milwaukee Brewers – the Brew Crew is the ultimate scrappy, lower budger franchise you love to root for…except they employed Ryan Braun so we all have to hate them, it’s the law.

Houston Astros – the trash can bangers are back in business baby, don’t let the rule book hit you on the way out.

San Diego Padres – the perfect city with the perfect alternate uniforms. If they don’t wear these at least four times in the playoffs they have no shot.

Baltimore Orioles – the last time the Orioles were in back to back playoffs was in 1996-1997, at which point nine of their current players were not even born.

Atlanta Braves – the exact opposite of the Orioles, the Bravos are in for the seventh straight year. Not sure if this is accurate or not, but scientists note that since the last time the Braves missed the playoffs, the Earth has gone around the Sun seven times. Science is crazy.

Kansas City Royals – if I had a gun to my head and was told to name the Royals manager, I would not be sitting here writing this blog. Matt Quatraro is his name. The skipper never made it to the majors, but was a .286 hitter with 23 home runs and 202 RBI in his minor league career.

New York Mets – The Metropolitans snuck in yesterday after splitting a double header with the Braves. Do you think Mr. and Mrs. Met celebrated appropriately?

Detroit Tigers – I was as surprised as you to see the Tigs on the above bracket, but make no mistake they are a playoff team. Since Javy Báez had season ending surgery on August 26th, they are 21-10…that is simply a true statistic, and not a comment on the fact that as much as we love Javy, he would swing and miss sand if he were at the beach.

We love playoff baseball, and we hope you do to. If you don’t like playoff baseball, then you suck as much as Ryan Braun.

Ohtani? Bellinger? Nah…Ichiro.

Photo: The Ringer

The MLB Hot Stove is really Hot Stovin’. A free agent class led by Shohei Ohtani, Cody Bellinger, and as always…Rich Hill.

But there’s an old familiar face that no one seems to be paying attention to…Ichiro.

Footage dropped Tuesday of Ichiro’s most recent outing, and it did not dissapoint:

I mean…that’s insane.

In the age of Ohtani, what Ichiro’s doing at 50 may just be more impressive. A 50 year old throwing a complete game, almost hitting 90 on the gun, all while going 2-5 at the plate? Guy’s still got it!

Shohei’s probably going to get a half a billion dollar contract. While baseball doesn’t have a salary cap, why wouldn’t a forward thinking GM go chess not checkers and pinch a few pennies by getting a slightly older player who can also pitch and hit?

If you’re a Brian Cashman, Ben Cherington, or Alex Anthopoulos sitting in your hoity toity GM office right now reading this…let’s chat, our DM’s are open.

Finally, the Diarrhea Plane Genre Reaches Sports

Photo: The Tab

A story Paul Pierce would get in a wheelchair for…a tale that would make Lamar Jackson waddle to the locker room mid game…an anecdote that Odell Beckham Jr. would consider mile high club erotica.

On Wednesday’s Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz; former Marlins president and human Valvoline bottle David Sampson let an incredible story losse about current Yankees president Randy Levine breaking the number one rule on former Mets owner Fred Wilpon’s private jet.

Anytime we can hear about billionaires having to deal with shit (literally) on private jets that us peasants run(s) into while we’re stuffed into an overcrowded Southwest tube is always satisfying.

The Yankees and Mets both stink this year. I’m sure both fanbases want to evacuate themselves from this season as quickly as possible, and void their insides of any bad feelings their teams have provided them in 2023. Both organizations are likely to excrete certain particles of themselves after the hind end of the season is over in order to feel relief from this year ending up in the toilet.

Sunday State of Mind: June 5th-June 11th

Photo: Wallpaper Cave

The sports sure sported this week; SSM is here to recap.

Tough time down in Florida, on the biggest stage
Finals and The Stanley Cup, fans are full of rage
Panthers and the Heat, both down three games to one
Elimination likely coming soon, both seasons soon done

LIV and PGA, now the best of friends
As the story goes, money always transcends
Now partners in crime, golf has fully changed
Most players want Jay Monahan’s face rearranged

Four straight Pro Bowl seasons, racking yards and touchdowns
He made Vikes fans happy, did his part to decrease frowns
But now he’s a free agent, he’s got his choice of teams
Whoever signs Dalvin Cook will feel like it’s a dream

Have to say this while we can, The Oakland A’s are hot!
Four wins in a row this week, for them that’s a lot
A sad season in progress, good to get some shine
Since they won those four, likely to lose next nine

HBO Max is Now Just Max and We Need Shorter Names Everywhere

Photo: Today

Big day in entertainment, as a ground breaking change in the streaming world commenced.

HBO Max is now Max…deal with it losers.

The old app is out, the new app is in. That’s right, we all have to download a completely new app, remember our passwords, and do the annoying thing where we have to type on the screen and it takes an hour to enter “Password123.”

As annoying as corporations taking over entertainment is, it’s unfortunately part of the game…there’s an entire writer’s strike raging right now because of this tom-foolery. There’s 1,000 things that happened that lead to this that you can read up on/we won’t rehash here, but the HBO Max to Max transition is just another atrocious incident we as customers have to deal with.

But this name change, as dumb and uncreative it is, got the wheels turning. What other names in sports and entertainment can CEO’s simultaneously shorten and ruin?

In the NFL, how about a name change for Michael Vick’s former employers to the Atlanta Cons? Could the new Monsters of the Midway could be the new Chicago Ears? What about Kirk Cousins becoming the quarterback for the Minnesota Kings?

The NBA is wrought for awful name changes as well. Ja Morant’s team could take on the role of the most untruthful team in the league with a rebranding to the Memphis Lies. Jimmy Butler and the boys could become food critics as the Miami Eat. Former number one pick Zion Williamson’s guys should take on the personality of most positive team as the New Orleans Cans.

If people hate the MLB’s new rules, they’d surely love these team name changes; Miguel Cabrera’s squad could keep the same idea of their mascot, but make an alteration to the Detroit Gers. The worst team in baseball that isn’t from Oakland could move south and become the Kansas City Yals. Finally, and most obviously, that cheater Carlos Correa and co. should really lose one letter and rename themselves the Minnesota Wins.

Honestly, we shouldn’t be publishing the blog. These ideas are so golden and should be used; but for some reason the NFL, NBA, and MLB won’t meet with us…their loss.

Sunday State of Mind: May 8th-May 14th

Photo: Wallpapers.com

This Mother’s Day, SSM stands for Sweet, Sweet Moms.

Conference Finals set, NBA winding down
Still a bunch of good games left, so we should not frown
Lakers and the Nuggets, Celtics and the Heat
Next round is the finals, East and West champs set to meet

Weird story in St. Louis, involves their big offseason signing
Moving around positions ’cause the team’s not really shining
Willson Contreras back and forth from the outfield
Cards have not been good so far, reasons seem concealed

This guy Ja Morant, can’t wrap my brain around it
Waving a gun around again, second wave of clown shit
So much for that interview, said he would be better
In dangerous Insta stories, this guy is the pacesetter

Sunday State of Mind: May 1st-May 7th

Photo: Good Fon

NBA Playoffs are raging, NFL court cases are blazing, MLB players are healing. All this and more in this week’s Sunday State of Mind.

Every series, NBA, looking pretty even
All eight teams remaining still have something to believe in
No 3-0 series leads, every team is on the board
The Larry O’Brien Trophy is what were looking toward

Bussin’ With The Boys? More like bringing law suit noise
Taylor Lewan is suing cause he’s no longer employed
Feel bad for the guy, his career may be cooked
Sounds like Dr. Andrews didn’t take a second look

Speaking of injuries, other side of the stick
Bryce Harper is back in a period quicker than quick
Less than six months post op, the big one Tommy John
Already mashin’ taters, hitting bombs just like a Don

An awkward time is over out in Baltimore
Lamar Jackson wanted his contract, and he finally scored
Two hundred sixty million, is what was settled on
Lamar returning now is a conclusion that’s foregone

Sunday State of Mind: April 17th-April 23rd

Photo: UNEP

Unlike Ben Simmons…we’re not sitting this round out. SSM is live.

Bring out the brooms in Philly, Sixers roll the Nets
Beat Brooklyn on Friday to win the series in straight sets
Injuries and suspensions became the big headline
A first round series sweep is the perfect design

The hottest team in baseball, you will never guess
It’s usually a team who by this time’s always a mess
A team who’s name is usually followed by the word “sucks”
It’s the Pittsburgh Pirates, seven game win streak for the Bucs

We shouldn’t give it more attention than it really deserves
But all we have to say about Dillon Brooks is, THE NERVE
Tried to come at LeBron, was thoroughly embarrassed
A poorly failed attempt to gain some ground on The King’s terrace

Sunday State of Mind: April 10th-April 16th

Photo: Wallpaper Mania

Unlike Netflix, we’ll never ghost you on Sundays. SSM is live.

We’re past the play in tournament, the real playoffs are here
The NBA is trying now, and to that we cheer
Sixers came out strong, Lakers and Heat too
Brooklyn and the Cavaliers have some work to do

The bad man’s gone in DC, Commanders fans rejoice
Dan Snyder has sold the team and it was not his choice
Twenty four years of shit, team’s a total mess
Anyone could do it better, and we’ll be impressed

We all shared a dream, and we were on the way
An undefeated baseball season from the Tampa Rays
A cloud rolled in on Friday, a loss was in the air
The Blue Jays won an crushed us all, unable to bear

Sunday State of Mind: April 3rd-April 9th

Photo: Southern Living

It’s Easter Sunday, John Rahm is the Masters champion, and SSM is here.

We start at Augusta, they did it again
Jon Rahm is the champion, a green jacket win
Took over in the final round, took it away from Brooks
Lost it in the end, and Rahm gave him the hook

Hottest start in baseball, your Tampa Bay Rays
Won their first nine game and did it in so many ways
Best start to a baseball season since 2003
Rays sitting at 9-0, start drinking the tea

The NBA is winding down, almost playoff time
Play will start to ratchet up, they’ll actually try
Milwaukee and Denver will be your one seeds
Regular season sucks, postseason’s what we need

We love college hockey, we say it all the time
No mention of Quinnipiac, it would be a crime
NCAA champions, won in overtime
Beat the Golden Gophers, has to feel sublime