Author: Chris Cook

Your 2018 Fantasy Football Team is SO BACK

Chris Cook, , Leave a comment

Photo: Philadelphia Eagles

Everyone loves a reboot.

The Philadelphia Eagles announced the signing of 34 year Julio Jones on Tuesday.

Jones had an incredible stretch of being one of the best receivers in all of football from 2011-2019. Since then, he has played for three teams in three years, and seen a completely understandable drop in production.

This signing gave me an opportunity to do one of my favorite things: nostalgia lists.

With that in mind, here’s who I’d love to see signed/my ideal fantasy football lineup during Jones’ prime.

QB: Cam Newton
RB: LeSean McCoy
RB: Matt Forte
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Calvin Johnson
TE: Jimmy Graham
FLX: Darren Sproles
K: Stephen Gostkowski
D/ST: Ravens

So many other great fantasy names in this era: Drew Brees, Marshawn Lynch, Le’Veon Bell, Chris Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Rob Gronkowski, Adrian Peterson, I could go on for hours.

Because it’s the Eagles, I’m sure this signing will go perfectly and Jones will go back to his prime and become the best number three receiver in the league behind AJ Brown and DeVonta Smith.

The rich get richer.

Finally, a Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Sequel Featuring Jason Momoa and Elon Musk

Chris Cook, , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Esquire

Finally, take two on the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard story that was totally under covered last year.

The sequel on a shitty story now includes Jason Momoa and Elon Musk.

Tatiana Siegel of Variety dropped some scathing journalism on the behind the scenes anarchy of Aquaman 2: Electric Boogaloo, and it seems like a total disaster.

If you don’t want to read the entirety of it, the highlights are:

  1. Momoa took a few nips of grandpa’s old cough medicine and then showed up to set dressed up as Depp in an attempt to get Heard fired from the movie.
  2. Director James Wan basically hates Heard and stopped anyone from taking pictures with her on set.
  3. Super dork Elon Musk’s lawyers sending a “scorched-earth letter to Warner Bros. threatening to burn the house down” if his then-girlfriend Heard was fired.

Alright, a few points here.

First, Momoa already kind of dresses like Depp, so shut up. Secondly, who in the hell would want to take a selfie with Amber Heard. Finally, what does Musk going “scorched earth” on a movie production company look like? Would he throw a brick through their window?

All of this is to say, I don’t watch any superhero movies (other than Christopher Nolan Batman, those kicked ass), so I don’t know or care if these Aquaman (Aquamen?) movies are any good. But if there’s as much drama in the movies as there appears to have been behind the scenes, I’m sure it will be great.

Blink-182: I Miss You (Jimmy’s Version)

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment


Photo: Heat Nation & IMDB

For an immersive experience, please click here if on a laptop or turn on Blink-182’s I Miss You on Spotify before you begin reading.

Hello, there
Dame Lillard’s now my nightmare
The Herro that I play now with is forced
I wish I could evict him
But for now we will rally
Media day we dilly dally ’cause we want
I’m still selling my coffee
Do we play Halloween or Christmas?
Before the Finals, season probably ends
Our season probably ends

I miss Strus, I miss Strus
I miss Strus, I miss Strus

Team’s askew
And I’m so sorry
I hit threes deep, carry my team tonight
I need UD and PJ
This mid range darkness
Comes creeping on, still wanting some Dame Time
And as I stare, I counted
The Woj Bomb overnighters
Chasing rings and Instagram replies
Hoping our team is not screwed
Have a surprising season
Will two come home, help us stop Dame tonight?
Help us stop Dame tonight

Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)

I miss Strus, I miss Strus
I miss Strus, I miss Strus

Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)
Don’t waste your time Himmy, you’re already
The pressed hair on your head (I miss Strus, I miss Strus)

The World is Ending: Magic Johnson Had a Hot Take

Chris Cook, , , , Leave a comment

Photo: CNN

There are reminders everyday that the world’s ending; political unrest, climate change, Elon Musk being a real person.

It’s all around us and it’s blatantly obvious; our world is on fire and we’re just riding the wave until we crash.

Not that we need any more convincing, but we had another overtly apocalyptic event occur Thursday: Magic Johnson had a legitimate hot take.

If you’re unfamiliar with what’s typically running through Magic’s beautiful bald head, it’s generally stuff like this:

Or…

And finally…

I know, pretty deep stuff. But Magic decided to actually say something real on the Zach Gelb show when asked if Steph Curry was the GOAT point guard in NBA history:

Photo: Bleacher Report on Twitter

I could give two shits about any GOAT debate, I think it’s the bane of worthwhile sports conversation’s existence. I’m just happy for Magic showing all of us that he isn’t actually a driod who tweets out what he’s watching and sea salt popcorn.

It’s Not That Bad, Bears

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Marca

Cheer up, Bears fans…you could be the White Sox.

A pretty damning Wednesday at Halas Hall as outlined by Bears beat (Battlestar Galactica) writer Dan Wiederer’s Twitter timeline this afternoon. If you’re too lazy to click that link, here are a few highlights:

  1. Starting left tackle Braxton Jones is heading to IR with a potentially season-ending neck injury.
  2. No one knows who the fuck the actual defensive coordinator is now or moving forward.
  3. When asked about the reason behind his thus far “robotic” play, Justin Fields said “coaching.”

Well at least they have a nice easy matchup coming up Sunday…

Against the Chiefs…

In Kansas City.

But it can’t really be that bad in Chicago, right?

Who cares if, as an organization, you’ve only made the playoffs six times in the last 28 years. It shouldn’t matter that the highest your offense has ranked since 2019 is 22nd. In that same period, a franchise with heavy hitters like Brian Urlacher, Dick Butkus, and Mike Singletary…the highest defensive ranking has been 15th.

Some more bright spots? The best quarterback in the Bears’ 103 year history is Jay Cutler! Of the top five leading receivers of all-time, one of them came after the year 1987! Your all-time leading scorer is a kicker who hasn’t worn your uniform in eight years!

So chin up, Bear Down, and go shock the world Sunday…no way facing Patrick Mahomes at home will be a disaster.

The Jets’ Achilles Heel Tore His Achilles – Now What?

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: SB Nation

Jets’ fans Super Bowl dreams were dashed in four plays last night when Aaron Rodgers’ achilles exploded.

The roster is in place for a run right now, but since no one loves Zach Wilson like we do, reports are already surfacing that the Jets are making calls on other quarterbacks:

The roster has been impeccably assembled, and the main reason that Rodgers came to New York in the first place.

So, lets hash out the Jets’ best options.

Marcus Mariota

The current backup in Philadelphia has plenty of not terrible starting experience.

Sitting behind Jalen Hurts is a pretty good gig, but another shot to start after things didn’t end well in Atlanta might be tempting.

Cooper Rush

Rush showed he was more than capable while subbing in for noted weirdo Dak Prescott last year.

If he could do that with a good Dallas roster, who says he can’t recapture the magic with the Jets?

Tom Brady

Obviously, the photoshops are already there…hay’s in the barn as they say.

This would be the funniest result, especially after the suck fest the Patriots and TB12 just had a few days ago.

If Brady’s not coming back with the Jets, he’s coming for Jimmy Garoppolo (again) anyways.

Dan Marino

You’re telling me this mf who was throwing for almost 50 tuddy’s and 5,000 yards in the 80’s couldn’t stand back and sling it in 2023?

Marino to the Jets is at LEAST 10-7, guaranteed.

A Fire Hydrant

This roster is so stupid good this thing to the left could stand back there and lead Gang Green to their first Lombardi Trophy since 1969.

Finally, the Diarrhea Plane Genre Reaches Sports

Chris Cook, , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: The Tab

A story Paul Pierce would get in a wheelchair for…a tale that would make Lamar Jackson waddle to the locker room mid game…an anecdote that Odell Beckham Jr. would consider mile high club erotica.

On Wednesday’s Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz; former Marlins president and human Valvoline bottle David Sampson let an incredible story losse about current Yankees president Randy Levine breaking the number one rule on former Mets owner Fred Wilpon’s private jet.

Anytime we can hear about billionaires having to deal with shit (literally) on private jets that us peasants run(s) into while we’re stuffed into an overcrowded Southwest tube is always satisfying.

The Yankees and Mets both stink this year. I’m sure both fanbases want to evacuate themselves from this season as quickly as possible, and void their insides of any bad feelings their teams have provided them in 2023. Both organizations are likely to excrete certain particles of themselves after the hind end of the season is over in order to feel relief from this year ending up in the toilet.

A Post Week Zero College Football Preview

Chris CookLeave a comment

Photo: The Dallas Morning News

College football is here…or kind of has been here since last week…but it’s actually really here.

Week Zero was highlighted by a rare UMASS victory over New Mexico State, America’s favorite PAC-12 after dark chasers, the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors, covering the +17.5 over Vanderbilt, and Notre Dame trampling our Navy (very unpatriotic).

But, it’s time for the big dogs to eat…mostly on cupcakes. The only matchup between two top 25 teams is Florida State vs. LSU. As much as we love making fun of Brian Kelly and his authentic ass, the slate overall is boring.

So, let’s do something no one else is doing: playoff predictions no one cares about!

Rose Bowl: Georgia 38, USC 31

Sugar Bowl: Ohio State 42, Michigan 38

CFP National Championship Game: Georgia 31, Ohio State 21

It’s a simple game, folks. No way the committee lets in a “Cinderella” again after TCU made us all fall asleep during the title game last year. Georgia somehow keeps buying into Kirby Smart’s bullshit that no one believes in them and they complete the three peat.

1989 (Sports Version)

Chris Cook, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: TMZ

Unless you live under a rock under a mega yacht under a skyscraper, you know Taylor Swift announced 1989 (Taylor’s Version) is on the way.

T-Swift, as her friends call her, is well known for the Easter eggs she loves to drop. With that in mind, what sports takes from the soon to be re-released song titles is Taylor giving us?

All You Had to Do Was Stay

Is TS taking the side of Bill Belichick in the Tom Brady divorce? We all had an opinion of who was right and wrong here, she does too.

TB12 went on to win a Super Bowl without BB, but it sounds like TS wanted TB and BB to be together forever…can’t blame her for believing in love, folks.

Wildest Dreams

One of the greatest sports photos of all-time; Muhammad Ali (then still Cassius Clay) upset Sonny Liston as a 8-1 underdog.

A fine tribute by one of today’s biggest entertainers to one of the most polarizing athletes and performers in history.

Bad Blood

Who doesn’t remember the Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton story?

A nice throwback by Tay Tay to teammates casually pulling loaded guns on each other in the actual locker room.

Blank Space

Taylor’s pretty New York adjacent; and for her to take the time to write and dedicate an entire song to former Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning’s face is a touching tribute.

Out of the Woods

In 2016, the Chicago Cubs broke their 108 year World Series drought lead by Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, and Jon Lester, among others.

Even if the team has mostly been disbanded at this point, they brought generations of fans and an entire franchise out of the woods.

If we’ve learned anything, it’s that sports and entertainment are forever intertwined. It’s no surprise that one of the largest names in modern entertainment has so many blatant sports takes that are totally correct and in no way made up for blogging purposes.

Spotify Loves A Good List as Much as We Do

Chris Cook, , , , , , , Leave a comment

Photo: Prescription PR

Days like today make the internet not the worst place ever.

Spotify dropped a new feature allowing us to rank our #SpotifyTop5 Taylor Swift Eras. A very smart play by the folks running all of our favorite place to stream music and podcasts.

For the hundreds of millions who have been reading us since the start, you know we love a good ranking.

So, let’s get meta AF with it, yeah? Here’s our #UDSTop5 ranking of things to rank.

5. Athletes

Automatic conversation starter.

LeBron/MJ, Mahomes/Allen, Ohtani/Ruth; it’s a never ending conversation with zero correct answers.

By the way, the correct answers are MJ, Mahomes, and Ohtani.

4. Airports

Traveling is great; airports are not.

We’ve all had bad airport experiences that had nothing to do with airlines. Some are clearly better than others.

All I hope for is that you never find yourself stuck in Minneapolis–Saint Paul International Airport.

3. Streaming Services

Where do you most prefer to snort your hours and hours of entertainment?

Will you sacrifice a shittier user interface for slightly better content?

FWIW, my favorite streaming service is Peacock…it’s the one platform that properly defines the main function of the penis.

2. Seasons

A slightly condensed ranking here. Only four options, but fierce opinions whatever you prefer.

Of course, the only correct order is Summer, Spring, Fall, Winter. Fight me.

1. Food

Unlike seasons, there are thousands of food takes and opinions out there. Plenty of sustenance discourse to be had.

For those of you new here: breakfast sucks.