It is March, and madness reigns supreme. Selection Sunday is here, and so is this week’s SSM.
The bracket has been set, it is almost time March Madness is here, and all is sublime Houston, Kansas, Bama, Purdue all are our one seeds Large buffet of basketball, and we’re here to feed
A long time partnership is done, and we’ve gotta feelin’ The Minnesota Vikings will miss Adam Thielen All-time Minnesota guy, made a big impression There will be a market for his talents, no question
In a surprise to no one, Shohei is a stud The World Baseball Classic due to him is not a dud Japan looks like the team to beat, Netherlands good too Always good to have baseball on TV to view
Bummer in the Valley, KD hurt his leg Maybe back for the playoffs, CP3 will beg Suns are still the four seed, in pretty good shape When KD comes back he’ll have to wear his super cape
The new senior defensive assistant for the Carolina Panthers has clearly bankrupted the entire Catholic church of their ash stockpile on this holy day.
Actually, I have no idea of Capers religious beliefs. I don’t care and neither should you. What I do care about is the generous glob of Flex Seal that sits on top of that 72 year old head.
This guy has forgotten more football than any of us will ever know, and has put more hair dye on this dome than any of us ever should. According to his Wiki, this most recent job he was introduced as this morning is his twenty first position he’s held in either college or pro football since 1972. We’re hearing rumors that he celebrates each job with dumping a vat of hot asphalt on his cabeza.
My guy is lined up better than Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhal, and Zac Efron put together. Yeah he might look like he has lego hair, but those luscious locks aren’t moving an inch in a F5 tornado.
It’s honestly probably the reason he’s gotten so many jobs in an insanely competitive field. Yeah he can draw up some fun schemes in his patented 3-4 scheme, but that piece he’s working with has got to be good for 3-4 wins each year.
We have sadly reached the end of football season, with the Chiefs beating the Eagles in Super Bowl XVII.
A rhythmic retelling of the game (and Rihanna) in this week’s SSM.
Eagles started early, Jalen sneak for six Chiefs came back quick, Kelce got his fix First quarter jitters didn’t seam real Start your beers, chips and dip, Super Bowl meal
Huge second quarter, points all around Eagles scored thrice, whole roster is sound Scoop and score for KC, only bright spot here Mahomes ankle twisted, major Chiefs fans fear
Riri came and did it, awesome halftime show Hadn’t played in several years, you would never know Debuted a little baby bump, that was the surprise Awesome to have Rihanna back in front of our eyes
Second half started, Patrick came right back Long touchdown drive, was his ankle cracked? Not much in the third quarter for Fly Eagles Fly One more quarter left this year, makes us want to cry
Kadarius Toney’s fourth quarter was bright Tuddy and a punt return, Chiefs a comeback fight Kudos to KC, another Super Bowl Two now for Mahomes, guy is on a roll
There you have it; one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time’s future being decided in a pitch black cabin.
Along with the aforementioned “Isolation Retreat” sounding like a chart-topping 80’s hair band, in four-ish minutes the always efficient Rodgers pumped out these other names that sound like ensembles our parents smoked weed to when they were kids:
“Art of Contemplation”
“Four Nights of Complete Darkness”
“Highest Interest of Happiness”
“Isolation and Darkness”
“Adult Diapers”
Rodgers fancies himself as a “free thinker,” which is for the most part fine. He’s said some dumb stuff that doesn’t need to to rehashed here.
But isn’t something like an “isolation retreat” determining your future make for a better interview than the classic “well, I need to sit down with my family, pray about it, and come to a decision in due time with my family” that we hear 10,000 times every offseason?
For the second February 1 in a row, Tom Brady has announced he’s retiring.
The February 1, 2022 was a longer, emotional message announcing a retirement that lasted approximately six minutes. The February 1, 2023 edition was more simple; a one minute video on the beach posted on social media.
So, while TB12 claims this go around is “for good,” it’s only fair for us to wonder if we’ll get a three peat retirement announcement on February 1, 2024. The only logical way to keep all options open, in our opinion, is a good ‘ol fashion’d Mad Lib:
It was a __________ (adjective) day in February 2024. Tom Brady just finished his __________ (number) season playing in the NFL, and he was still the __________ (synonym for best) quarterback in the NFL.
Here we go again, another retirement announcement, this is just getting __________ (synonym for dumb). We were all __________ (emotion) in 2022, but were tricked. Then 2023 came around, and we all felt a little more __________ (emotion) the second time around. Fool me once, shame on __________ (not me) fool me twice, shame on __________ (not you).
He made it through it all, being definitely wrongly accused of __________ (not inflated) footballs, smashing his __________ (not a landline) that was evidence. Doing anything he could to win, up to and potentially including __________ (not not recording) other team’s practices to steal signals.
We were all __________ (adjective) to have watched the greatest quarterback of __________ (specific amount of time). But __________ (yes/no/maybe), this is totally it. It is February 24, 2024, and Tom Brady has definitely retired.
So a big, heartfelt congratulations to Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. on his second, and absolutely 100% final, retirement. We cannot wait to see what’s next, which will definitely not be football. Ever again.
Last Saturday, we all saw Patrick Mahomes get bent in a way no normal human being should. If not, see the work of art above from the fine folks at Larry Brown Sports.
It was gross, we all cringed, and hoped we didn’t just see the end of Mahomes’ season. Somehow, he’s a super human freak and came back one one and a half legs and lead the Chiefs to the AFC Championship game.
The official diagnosis seems to be a high ankle sprain, which are three words no athlete wants to hear. But this is Patrick Mahomes we’re talking about. The aforementioned super human freak, who could maybe win this Sunday with zero legs if needed.
Because of that, we are here to rank the top body parts even sweet Patrick will need this weekend:
5. Ankle
This thing got bent so bad it caused a national shortage of medical tape.
If Mahomes wants to have any level of mobility in the pocket this weekend, that ankle needs to be somewhere near normal.
4. Elbow
We all know he can launch a football 175 yards with a flick of the wrist.
If the ankle’s not going to be a full go, he needs that right elbow there to utilize his arm strength.
3. Eyes
Mahomes has been lauded for his ability to see.
This leads to our number three most important body part, as he’ll need his eyes to see where he’s going against a tough Bengals defense.
2. Head
An extension of the eyes, Mahomes will need to make sure his head is attached to his torso if he wants to get to the Super Bowl.
As the old saying goes “need your head to get this bread, fam.”
1. Nuts
As we’ve come to learn since Mahomes has been in the league; this dude has big ‘ol cajones.
He can do it all, all the time. The testicular fortitude on this man is already Hall of Fame level, and he needs to lug those stones into Arrowhead Stadium to advance this weekend.
The body is a temple, and Patrick Mahomes’ is feeling a little rough at the moment. If he indeed brings all of the above, the rematch of last year’s AFC Championship against Joe Burrow and them boys is going to be a thriller.
Chiefs, Eagles, Bengals, 49ers win; Jaguars, Giants, Bills, and Cowboys lose. SSM reviews the NFL Divisional Round.
Started out in KC, a scary injury Mahomes got folded up weird, seemed to hurt his knee It was a ankle sprain, says he’ll play next week Jags lost to the Chiefs but their future isn’t bleak
One blowout this weekend, an NFC East bout Eagles railed the Giants, really left no doubt Danny Dimes was bad, Jalen Hurts was good The one seed in the NFC playing just like they should
Bengals and the Bills, snow globe in Buffalo One QB was on his game and that was Joe Burrow A rematch with the Chiefs for a trip to Arizona Talking grad school NFL, winner gets a diploma
An all-time uni matchup, 49ers and Cowboys Brock Purdy did it again with his offense full of toys Next one on the docket, big one against the Eagles Football was so good this weekend it should be illegal
In a world where no one can agree on anything, if there are two things we as Americans can get close to seeing eye to eye on is our love for pizza and football.
On Tuesday afternoon, Eagles coach Nick Sirianni brought these two magical worlds together with the below clip:
Millionaire NFL coaches…they’re just like us! Just a couple a coworkers getting together, flipping on the game, and firing up an order for some stuffed crust from the Hut.
Which of course begs the question…if each of the remaining coaches left in the NFL were pizza toppings, what would they be?
Nick Sirianni/Brian Daboll – Pepperoni & Sausage
Sirianni’s the pep, and Daboll is clearly the sausage in this scenario.
A good old fashioned NFC East matchup that we can rely on to fulfill our appetite for good playoff football.
Andy Reid/Doug Pederson – Cheeseburger & Kielbasa
Old buddies getting together when the Chiefs take on the Jags this weekend.
We all know Coach Reid loves his cheeseburgers, and Pederson just seems like a guy who likes to say “kielbasa” when he orders.
Mike McCarthy/Kyle Shanahan – Bacon & Arugula
It’s hard to find a pairing where both coaches seem to be at the total opposite ends of the spectrum. Well, here we are.
McCarthy seems like a guy to double or triple up the pig toppings, while Shanahan has big “let’s get some ‘za, but try and keep it as clean as possible” energy.
If you’re not a Bengals, Jaguars, Chargers, Ravens, or Dolphins fan, odds are that you’re hoping to see the Bills and Chiefs play in the AFC Championship Game.
Mahomes v. Allen, Bills Mafia v. Chiefs Kingdom, McDermott vs. Big Red Andy Reid; this matchup would have the most storylines by far of any AFC pairing we as football fans could get for a shot to go to the Super Bowl.
Well, it appears if our collective dreams are answered, there’ll be one more: the game will be played in the most logical place of all, Atlanta.
Yes, beautiful Atlanta. The A. The Dirty. Home of the NFC South’s own Falcons who haven’t seen the playoffs in six years. Whose most memorable postseason is still meme’d to death almost a decade later.
There has to be one of the dozens of Falcon fans out there that really hopes this potential AFC Championship game being held in their stadium is going to brainwash the internet into forgetting that the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead against the Patriots. If you are that person and are reading this, please reach out to chris@untimeddown.com; I would love to speak with you and get inside your brain.
For now, let’s all enjoy Super Wild Card Weekend and root for the Dolphins not to pull the biggest upset in playoff history by beating the Bills on Saturday. Because if they do, all of this Atlanta mess will be for not and me writing and you reading this blog will have been a massive waste of time.
The NFL Playoffs are officially set. There were other sports happenings as well; and it’s all here in this week’s SSM.
Can only start in one place, and that’s Damar Hamlin A terrible event to start, but something good begins The response took our breaths away, honors and donations It showed the power of kindness has no limitations
AFC and NFC, both top seeds are set Philly and Kansas City, two offenses like jets Both great quarterbacks, defenses are strong too Chiefs would be and old story, but Eagles would be new
On the other end, those Chicago Bears Worst team in the league, falling down the stairs Took their 14th loss of the season on the chin But got the number one pick, so kind of a win
Hottest team in the NBA, place your Finals bets Won 13 of 14, those pesky Brooklyn Nets The boys are on a roll more than halfway through the season Surely no way anything will change, no way for no reason
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