Author: Chris Cook

Dom Capers Went All In On Ash Wednesday

Chris Cook, , 2 Comments

Photo: Sheena Quick on Twitter

Dom Capers; save some for the rest of us!

The new senior defensive assistant for the Carolina Panthers has clearly bankrupted the entire Catholic church of their ash stockpile on this holy day.

Actually, I have no idea of Capers religious beliefs. I don’t care and neither should you. What I do care about is the generous glob of Flex Seal that sits on top of that 72 year old head.

This guy has forgotten more football than any of us will ever know, and has put more hair dye on this dome than any of us ever should. According to his Wiki, this most recent job he was introduced as this morning is his twenty first position he’s held in either college or pro football since 1972. We’re hearing rumors that he celebrates each job with dumping a vat of hot asphalt on his cabeza.

My guy is lined up better than Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhal, and Zac Efron put together. Yeah he might look like he has lego hair, but those luscious locks aren’t moving an inch in a F5 tornado.

It’s honestly probably the reason he’s gotten so many jobs in an insanely competitive field. Yeah he can draw up some fun schemes in his patented 3-4 scheme, but that piece he’s working with has got to be good for 3-4 wins each year.

Sunday State of Mind: February 13th-February 19th

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Photo: Wallup

We are living in a post Super Bowl/current NBA All-Star Weekend era, which makes SSM a little more of a wild card these days.

A very special birthday, happened on Friday
A guy who played a little ball while in the NBA
Baseball not so much, but brave enough to try
Michael Jordan’s 60, makes me want to cry

Tiger made a cut this week, the Genesis Open
He won’t win the event though, dry spell won’t be broken
Was able to walk all four days, a good physical sign
Maybe a few more tournaments to get things back in line

Arizona/Florida, batting cages pop
Pitchers running to first base, off the mound they hop
Hope springs eternal, everybody has a chance
Spring Training has started, baseball fans will dance

Speaking of Spring Training, Jacob deGrom is back
Hurt after about an hour, got right back on track
When the guy is healthy he’s as good as it gets
But if he breathes a certain way his body’s on the fritz

Rough week for Purdue, on the basketball floor
Former number one has lost three of their last four
Top ranking in college hoops seems to be a curse
Crimson Tide lost this week too, put the top dogs in a hearse

Tesla Self-Parks 360,000 Tesla Self-Driving Cars That Can’t Self-Drive

Chris Cook, 1 Comment

Photo: 1000 Logos

When will Elon Musk catch a break?

Certainly his self-driving cars can’t, as Tesla recalled over 360,000 of their vehicles today due to software issues. I’m not a big car guy, but seems like self-driving cars being able to drive themselves would be an important function.

This setback for the definitely cool, totally normal Elon Musk is a surprise. Who would’ve thought allowing an almost 2,000 pound machine its own AI brain to propel itself upwards of 100 miles per hour would cause issues?

Photo: Market Watch

Musk, seen above trying to comprehend how anyone could make less than four billion dollars a year, now has a metric ton of work on his hands. I can assume trying to fix 360,000 plus cars isn’t a fun job; but Tesla owners have to take solace in the fact that he is clearly not distracted by any other vanity projects or things that would ever take away his focus on providing the safest, purest automotive product in the world.

A little advice for Elon on our way out, as I’m sure he’ll read this blog: beep bop, beep beep boop, boop bobbity beep.

Super Bowl Sunday State of Mind

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Photo: ESPN

We have sadly reached the end of football season, with the Chiefs beating the Eagles in Super Bowl XVII.

A rhythmic retelling of the game (and Rihanna) in this week’s SSM.

Eagles started early, Jalen sneak for six
Chiefs came back quick, Kelce got his fix
First quarter jitters didn’t seam real
Start your beers, chips and dip, Super Bowl meal

Huge second quarter, points all around
Eagles scored thrice, whole roster is sound
Scoop and score for KC, only bright spot here
Mahomes ankle twisted, major Chiefs fans fear

Riri came and did it, awesome halftime show
Hadn’t played in several years, you would never know
Debuted a little baby bump, that was the surprise
Awesome to have Rihanna back in front of our eyes

Second half started, Patrick came right back
Long touchdown drive, was his ankle cracked?
Not much in the third quarter for Fly Eagles Fly
One more quarter left this year, makes us want to cry

Kadarius Toney’s fourth quarter was bright
Tuddy and a punt return, Chiefs a comeback fight
Kudos to KC, another Super Bowl
Two now for Mahomes, guy is on a roll

Doing Some LeBron Math

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Photo: CNN

If you don’t have the internet, you may not have heard that LeBron James broke Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s all-time NBA scoring record last night.

An incredible feat of both talent and longevity, Kareem was attendance in the third quarter when LeBron heroically rose above Kenrich Williams and hit a jump shot that put him over the previous record of 38,387 career points.

That’s a lot of points. We wanted to put in perspective what kind of numbers we’re talking about here:

  • Incredibly, after all these points, he’s only won one season scoring title. That’s the same number of times he returned to Cleveland to bring the Cavs a championship.
  • LeBron’s played for three different franchises, the Cavs, Heat, and Lakers. If you divide his total career points (38,390) and divide it by the number of teams he’s played for, you get 12,796…or the same number of teammates LeBron has traded away in his career.
  • LBJ has deservedly made the All-Star game 19 out of his 20 NBA seasons; that’s an astonishing 95% mark…that matches the same percentage of all of us that laughed at the “Maybe It’s Me” tweet he sent last week when the Lakers didn’t go out and grab Kyrie Irving.
  • The King has won four NBA championships in his incredible career. If you multiply his career points by the amount of championships won, you get 153,560…or the same amount of rings he promised to bring to Miami during that introduction party he had with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh.

This is obviously a huge accomplishment for LeBron, who has done plenty of dumb stuff to make fun of him about as well as great things to be admired. Times like these where career achievements are met are just the perfect vehicle to make fun of him for it all.

“Isolation Retreat” Sounds Like a Kickass 80’s Rock Band

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Photo: Insider

In his Super Bowl edition of his weekly hit on The Pat McAfee Show, Aaron Rodgers was (surprisingly) asked about his future.

When asked, Rodgers gave a, what we have become accustomed to, different answer to the boring old “will you retire?” question.

There you have it; one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time’s future being decided in a pitch black cabin.

Along with the aforementioned “Isolation Retreat” sounding like a chart-topping 80’s hair band, in four-ish minutes the always efficient Rodgers pumped out these other names that sound like ensembles our parents smoked weed to when they were kids:

“Art of Contemplation”

“Four Nights of Complete Darkness”

“Highest Interest of Happiness”

“Isolation and Darkness”

“Adult Diapers”

Rodgers fancies himself as a “free thinker,” which is for the most part fine. He’s said some dumb stuff that doesn’t need to to rehashed here.

But isn’t something like an “isolation retreat” determining your future make for a better interview than the classic “well, I need to sit down with my family, pray about it, and come to a decision in due time with my family” that we hear 10,000 times every offseason?

A Mad Lib of Where Tom Brady Will Be February 1, 2024

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Photo: People

For the second February 1 in a row, Tom Brady has announced he’s retiring.

The February 1, 2022 was a longer, emotional message announcing a retirement that lasted approximately six minutes. The February 1, 2023 edition was more simple; a one minute video on the beach posted on social media.

So, while TB12 claims this go around is “for good,” it’s only fair for us to wonder if we’ll get a three peat retirement announcement on February 1, 2024. The only logical way to keep all options open, in our opinion, is a good ‘ol fashion’d Mad Lib:

It was a __________ (adjective) day in February 2024. Tom Brady just finished his __________ (number) season playing in the NFL, and he was still the __________ (synonym for best) quarterback in the NFL.

Here we go again, another retirement announcement, this is just getting __________ (synonym for dumb). We were all __________ (emotion) in 2022, but were tricked. Then 2023 came around, and we all felt a little more __________ (emotion) the second time around. Fool me once, shame on __________ (not me) fool me twice, shame on __________ (not you).

He made it through it all, being definitely wrongly accused of __________ (not inflated) footballs, smashing his __________ (not a landline) that was evidence. Doing anything he could to win, up to and potentially including __________ (not not recording) other team’s practices to steal signals.

We were all __________ (adjective) to have watched the greatest quarterback of __________ (specific amount of time). But __________ (yes/no/maybe), this is totally it. It is February 24, 2024, and Tom Brady has definitely retired.

So a big, heartfelt congratulations to Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. on his second, and absolutely 100% final, retirement. We cannot wait to see what’s next, which will definitely not be football. Ever again.

Sunday State of Mind: January 23rd-January 29th

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Photo: National Parks and Wildlife Service

The Super Bowl is set, we all know that. But what else happened in sports this week other than the Eagles and Chiefs advancing? SSM knows, and now you will too.

Streep, Denzel, Robert De Niro, best actors today
A new entry has joined the group, also plays in LA
A small slap of the wrist, felt like a broken arm
LeBron threw a hissy fit, keeps adding to his charm

More NBA antics, a bad repeat offender
Bad boy of the league Steph Curry, big fine money spender
Ejected from the game on Thursday, a disgusting act
Threw his mouthpiece on the ground, we all should feel attacked

Don’t look up to athletes kids, they’ll always let you down
Stetson Bennett had a night, then acted like a clown
A few too many Miller Lites and things can go awry
One month you’re a champion, the next you’re the bad guy

Phil was feeling feisty, on the internet
Cracking jokes between placing million dollar bets
Fashion trends and travel plans were in his stand up set
The internet did their job though, people don’t forget

Ranking Body Parts Patrick Mahomes Needs for the AFC Championship

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Photo: Larry Brown Sports

Last Saturday, we all saw Patrick Mahomes get bent in a way no normal human being should. If not, see the work of art above from the fine folks at Larry Brown Sports.

It was gross, we all cringed, and hoped we didn’t just see the end of Mahomes’ season. Somehow, he’s a super human freak and came back one one and a half legs and lead the Chiefs to the AFC Championship game.

The official diagnosis seems to be a high ankle sprain, which are three words no athlete wants to hear. But this is Patrick Mahomes we’re talking about. The aforementioned super human freak, who could maybe win this Sunday with zero legs if needed.

Because of that, we are here to rank the top body parts even sweet Patrick will need this weekend:

5. Ankle

This thing got bent so bad it caused a national shortage of medical tape.

If Mahomes wants to have any level of mobility in the pocket this weekend, that ankle needs to be somewhere near normal.

4. Elbow

We all know he can launch a football 175 yards with a flick of the wrist.

If the ankle’s not going to be a full go, he needs that right elbow there to utilize his arm strength.

3. Eyes

Mahomes has been lauded for his ability to see.

This leads to our number three most important body part, as he’ll need his eyes to see where he’s going against a tough Bengals defense.

2. Head

An extension of the eyes, Mahomes will need to make sure his head is attached to his torso if he wants to get to the Super Bowl.

As the old saying goes “need your head to get this bread, fam.”

1. Nuts

As we’ve come to learn since Mahomes has been in the league; this dude has big ‘ol cajones.

He can do it all, all the time. The testicular fortitude on this man is already Hall of Fame level, and he needs to lug those stones into Arrowhead Stadium to advance this weekend.

The body is a temple, and Patrick Mahomes’ is feeling a little rough at the moment. If he indeed brings all of the above, the rematch of last year’s AFC Championship against Joe Burrow and them boys is going to be a thriller.

Sunday State of Mind: January 16th-January 22nd

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Photo: Good Fon

Chiefs, Eagles, Bengals, 49ers win; Jaguars, Giants, Bills, and Cowboys lose. SSM reviews the NFL Divisional Round.

Started out in KC, a scary injury
Mahomes got folded up weird, seemed to hurt his knee
It was a ankle sprain, says he’ll play next week
Jags lost to the Chiefs but their future isn’t bleak

One blowout this weekend, an NFC East bout
Eagles railed the Giants, really left no doubt
Danny Dimes was bad, Jalen Hurts was good
The one seed in the NFC playing just like they should

Bengals and the Bills, snow globe in Buffalo
One QB was on his game and that was Joe Burrow
A rematch with the Chiefs for a trip to Arizona
Talking grad school NFL, winner gets a diploma

An all-time uni matchup, 49ers and Cowboys
Brock Purdy did it again with his offense full of toys
Next one on the docket, big one against the Eagles
Football was so good this weekend it should be illegal