After years of useless, uninspired football the week before the Super Bowl, it appears the NFL is finally ready to put the kibosh on the Pro Bowl “game.”
Plenty of decentideas have been proposed from people who know more about football than we ever will. Those are all good and dandy, but we need to think outside of the box here. The Pro Bowl has arrived at the same level of exciting as paying your phone bill because the crusty NFL won’t open their crotchety brains to some excitement.
But, if we are to believe the well-connected Ian Rapoport’s tweet, maybe things are changing. So I put my dumb brain to work as an unpaid consultant for the NFL to provide some golden alternatives that would be more exciting than their boring ass Pro Bowl game.
Closest to the pin
Ping Pong
Hot dog eating
Case race; beer of choice TBD
Bench press max out between each conferences kickers
Academic decathlon
Gardening; the most beautiful landscape wins
Post an Instagram story that’s more self absorbed than LeBron James’
Bet a significant amount of money on the Maple Leafs to win an elimination game
Revved up chain saws engulfed in flames juggling competition
I mean…that’s just 10 off the dome without any effort. If I can rattle off double-digit prime solutions without any effort, those fat cats at NFL HQ can figure out how to fix their Pro Bowl…unless they want to use any of my ideas, in which case I’m open to negotiate.
In the new age of NIL, it’s the wild west when it comes to NCAA “recruiting.” Money’s out in the open, and college prospects are finally getting what they deserve for the services rendered to their chosen university.
In the ultimate pot calling the kettle black move, two of the college football’s richest coaches from two of the richest universities are now pissing into the wind about it.
On Monday, Nick Saban launched a verbal grenade on the current state of recruiting, singling out ‘ol Jimbo and the boys down at Texas A&M:
Saban: We were 2nd in recruiting last year. A&M was first. A&M bought every player on their team. Made a deal for name, image and likeness. We didn’t buy one player. But I don’t know if we’re going to be able to sustain that in the future because more and more people are doing it https://t.co/uwEcLQa2u4
Nicky…sweet sweet Nicky. It’s incredible that you can look yourself in the mirror after spewing that garbage. It’s all in the open now baby, just let it fly. We all know everyone’s been dropping bags on recruits for years, now it’s just legal. It’s not the fact that you did it, as everyone else does, it’s the “holier than thou” smear campaign that you never took part in it. Maybe not you directly but, you know what’s going on. We all do.
Jimbo put his big boy britches on in response to Saban; some of the highlights below:
Jimbo Fisher on Nick Saban’s comments: “It's despicable. We’re taking shots at 17 year old kids. We never bought anyone. When (Saban) doesn’t get his way or things don’t go his way. Go dig into (Saban’s past). It’s despicable. It’s personal to us. And I know the guy. Really well"
Both of these guys are acting like clowns, including Texas A&M saying Saban “violated SEC Sportsmanship Rules,” and guess what? It’s working. Football is king and the second NBA & NHL Playoffs pick up, baseball gets into the chunk of their season, and the PGA Championship is on, guess what we’re reading about? SEC drama baby.
Alabama and Texas A&M meet up on October 8th this year when the Aggies head down to Tuscaloosa. Probably have to tune in to that one.
We were drowning in series-deciding games in the NBA Playoffs this weekend. Eliminations and game sevens were flying everywhere this week, and SSM is here for it.
Got started on Thursday night, Heat and 76ers Joel Embiid came back but could not be Philly’s fixer Jimmy Butler showed up, James Harden disappeared Both teams said things after the game that were kinda weird
For the Memphis Grizzlies, Friday night was it The Warriors are back to being the absolute shit Klay and Steph were back up to their old splash brother ways Going to the conference finals, hitting threes for days
Sunday was a big one, two game sevens on the slate Bucks and the Celtics were the first game on our sports plate This one was at The Garden, and Boston held their ground With the win the Celtics, are now Miami bound
The finale of the weekend, Suns and the Mavs Dallas is full of grown up cows, no more baby calves A tough matchup awaits them, the Warriors are no joke With Luka and J. Brunson, this team is far from broke
A jam-packed sports schedule lends itself to a few reminders here and there. That’s what SSM is for, you’re welcome.
The picking of the prospects, the NFL Draft Fans getting new players finding out how their roster’s staffed Draft grades make no sense, have to give these guys some time To see if they’ll be good or bad, substandard or sublime
Round two NBA Playoffs are starting today Eight teams left, four East four West, still able to play Injuries aplenty, still plenty guys to see Best time of the year NBA fans will all agree
Major League Baseball dropped the damn hammer Threw out pitcher Trevor Bauer in the baseball slammer A two year suspension, for some bad off field stuff Search it at your own risk, it is pretty rough
Football is back, folks. Tonight, we get round one of the 2022 NFL Draft live from Las Vegas. Much like baseball season, the NFL Draft is always a sign of warmer weather and high hopes for fans league-wide.
With each announcement by human circus peanut Roger Goodell, a dream will be fulfilled for a young man who has worked his entire life to make it to the National Football League.
In terms of mock drafts, predictions, who picks who, I could give two shits. What I care about are the amazing names themselves. With that in mind, it’s time to draft our top 10 names likely to be selected this weekend:
10. Sterling Weatherford, S, Miami (OH): this guy sounds more like a British meteorologist than a football player. 9. Isaiah Likely, TE, Coastal Carolina: any name that can easily turn into a full sentence is a winner. 8. Brock Purdy, QB, Iowa State: have to hope this guy gets drafted to a team in the south, the ad deals basically write themselves. 7. Bailey Zappe, QB, Western Kentucky: maybe the second best QB name since Gunner Kiel. 6. Breece Hall, RB, Iowa State: always love a good prospect with some unknowns…was his name supposed to be Brice? Reece? No one knows! 5. Decobie Durant, CB, South Carolina State: this guy was so close to being named after two of the greatest basketball players ever. 4. Coby Bryant, CB, Cincinnati: not exactly but…close. 3. Smoke Monday, S, Auburn: all-time nickname, this is a no brainer. 2. Snoop Conner, RB, Ole Miss: honestly this is interchangeable with Smoke Monday. 1. Sauce Gardner, CB, Cincinnati: this was as sure fire of a number one pick as Andrew Luck.
Good luck to all of the draftee’s this weekend. May none of you get selected by the Jaguars.
Another week come and gone, another Sunday State of Mind.
An always touching tribute, a statue was revealed This week in Oklahoma this one should have stayed concealed Poor Baker Mayfield, guy can’t catch a break If I were him that statue would have ended up in a lake
Big loss in Chicago, Eloy Jimenez Out for up to two months, so the doctor says Add another name to the White Sox injury list Tough break for a good team, that bat will be missed
A happier baseball note, it’s Miguel Cabrera Joined the 3k hit club, maybe the last in this era Only 32 other players have reached that career mark Miggy one of the greatest to do it at the ballpark
NBA playoffs are here, and some teams are in trouble Raptors, Bulls, Nets and Nuggets are all on the bubble Mavs and Jazz, Grizz and Wolves both sitting at 2-2 We get action everyday as the games continue
If you’ve ever read this blog, you know we love NASCAR Driving for 500 miles but not going far The most famous track in all of motor sports The Talladega Speedway, running today of course
In Game 1 of the Brooklyn Nets’ first round playoff series against the Boston Celtics, Irving brought it all, on court and off. For the uninitiated, there’s a bit of history between Irving and his former team. It all came to a head Sunday when Celtics fans went at Irving and he responded. On the court, he played 42 minutes and scored 39 points (all while fasting for Ramadan, mind you).
Off the court may have been a more impressive showing of not giving a shit; cursing out Celtics fans, making cry baby faces, and letting numerous freedom rockets fly in their faces, as seen above.
Unfortunately, because we can’t have any fun, Kyrie got a $50k fine for giving the fans exactly what they wanted.
In the long run, this won’t hurt a guy who’s made a shade under $160M in his career. In the short term, Kyrie may have to scale back on the budget a bit. Which got us thinking, what will one of the smoothest guards in the NBA have to hold off on now that he’s $50k lighter in the bank account?
After our long national nightmare that seemed to last like six minutes, The Kardashians are finally back where they belong; atop of the reality television mountain. After a 20 year run on E! the krazy klan is back for drama, arguments, and family moments that are all definitely not scripted.
Like many other successful lawyers, Kim K took a stab at the music biz before cracking open a law book. After failing the California bar three times, she announced on Instagram in December that the fourth time was the charm…finally, a Kardashian caught a break in life.
With their long awaited reality TV return this week, we thought it was all but appropriate to fire up the ‘ol Aughts Hot or Not machine for Kim Kardashian’s 2010 banger “Jam (Turn It Up).”
Music Video
Boom, 18 seconds in we get an ass shot. Whoever directed this video (assuming it was Kris Jenner) must’ve thought the inspiring lyrics and heartfelt message behind the song wasn’t as strong as that cake Kim K is so famous for.
We continue on with some random seductive(?) laying and crawling on the ground. Kim looks like she’s worked up quite a sweat throughout the video, so hopefully she was OK.
Eventually, we get back to the butt shots around the 3:18 mark, which shouldn’t have surprised me since I quickly learned this video is about four to five different clips just rolled over and over. Surprised the formula of butt, laying down, crawling, photoshoot didn’t take this video to the moon.
The grand finale of the video was a grainy, pink letter train that, in case you got lost in the majesty of song and video, spells out K-I-M-K-A-R-D-A-S-H-I-A-N to remind you of the songbird giving you this certified hit.
Best Lyric
Girls in the building Fellas in the club Boys spending money Girls looking good Im on the floor, living my life Feeling so good, feeling so right Got my hands up Celebrate like its my birthday Five more shots of tequila I’m thirsty
Shakespeare, is that you?! This is an incredible run on of lines that simply do not rhyme, and I love it. I wish I was as brave as Kim K to put myself out there in music form with building, club, money, good, life, right, up, birthday, tequila.
Now admittedly, I don’t remember all of the times I’ve drank tequila, but I don’t think it has ever quenched my thirst. Celebrities do have crazy health secrets that us common folk don’t, so maybe Kim is on to something here. All I get when I take any shot of tequila (let alone five) is a shriveled face and instant regret.
Worst Lyric
I’ma burn it out tonight, it’s goin’ down By live via satellite And all I see is angels in my eyes Buzz got me way up in the sky
So hard to pick here, so many great options. This set of lyrical magic takes the cake, though. What is being burned out? Where is it being broadcasted live via satellite?
Did Kim temporarily cross over the rainbow bridge and none of us know it? If all you’re seeing is angels, and feeling a buzz that has you way up in the sky…feeling a little worried.
Rating
This is a great song for a punchline, or for writing stupid blogs such as this one. Overall, I think we can all agree this is pretty bad. Apparently Kim is with us as well, telling The Huffington Post in 2014, “Like, what gave me the right to think I could be a singer? Like, I don’t have a good voice.”
Hello friends…it’s Sunday. More importantly, Sunday at The Masters. One of sports most beautiful, peaceful events deserves prose just as alluring and tranquil. That’s where SSM comes into play.
Big Scottie Scheffler, got his green jacket Beat the entire field, won the golfer’s bracket The number one ranked player, lived up to his grade Adding to his closet, and also got paid
Of course the other story, Eldrick “Tiger” Woods Bringing all of us back to our nostalgic childhoods Results weren’t exactly there, but he finished the race It’s a special thing seeing that guy at that place
Onto other sports, baseball is back! Summer just around the corner, lookin’ like a snack Ready for some ballgames, hot dogs pretzels and beer After an offseason and lockout, we’re glad baseball’s here
Nikola Jokic, big man can do it all Shoot, rebound, and pass, he knows his basketball Became the first to score 2k, and grab 1k rebounds Also 500 assists, MVP all but crowned
Hope springs eternal. It’s finally here, folks; it’s baseball season. Summer is around the corner, and we’ll all soon be sitting in the sun at our favorite ballparks inhaling hot dogs and ice cold beer.
Everyone is doing prediction content, we know that. But our official 2022 prognostications will be coming via the reminiscing route.
Who doesn’t love a good baseball name from from the 90’s or early aughts? So that’s how we’re giving our picks, via our favorite throwback name from each team.
AL East
Toronto Blue Jays – Gregg Zaun, C
Boston Red Sox – Trot Nixon, RF
Tampa Bay Rays – Miguel Cairo, 2B
New York Yankees – Scott Brosius, 3B
Baltimore Orioles – Jerry Hairston Jr., 2B
AL Central
Chicago White Sox – José Valentín, 3B
Minnesota Twins – Matt Lawton, CF
Cleveland Guardians – Carlos Baerga, 2B
Detroit Tigers – José Macías, 3B
Kansas City Royals – Mark Grudzielanek, 2B
AL West
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – Scott Spiezio, 1B
Houston Astros – Julio Lugo, SS
Seattle Mariners – Mike Cameron, CF
Texas Rangers – Royce Clayton, SS
Oakland A’s – Matt Stairs, DH
NL East
Philadelphia Phillies – Mickey Morandini, 2B
Atlanta Braves – Ryan Klesko, RF
New York Mets – Benny Agbayani, LF
Miami Marlins – Hee-Seop Choi, 1B
Washington Nationals – José Vidro, 2B
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals – Fernando Vina, 2B
Milwaukee Brewers – Jeromy Burnitz, RF
Chicago Cubs – Ron Coomer, 3B
Cincinnati Reds – Pokey Reese, 2B
Pittsburgh Pirates – Tony Womack, SS
NL West
Colorado Rockies – Dante Bichette, RF
San Francisco Giants – Benito Santiago, C
Los Angeles Dodgers – César Izturis, SS
San Diego Padres – Mark Kotsay, CF
Arizona Diamondbacks – Lyle Overbay, 1B
God, that was amazing…I think I need a cigarette. So many great names, so much boring baseball to have on in the background until October. Let’s go.
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