Author: Chris Cook

Oscar Noms Are Out and No One Cares About Anyones Predictions

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Photo: Entertainment Weekly

Oscar nominations are out and all of the big names and categories are trending: Best Picture, Barbie, America Ferrera, Cillian Murphy, Zac Efron, The Holdovers, Best Actress, Past Lives, Just Ken to name a few.

The six big categories are what most people care about. Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Director are listed at the top of the page for a reason.

No on cares about my (or your) predictions, so let’s just do a little rapid fire chit chat as a self-proclaimed movie critic.

Why the hell are there ten nominations for Best Picture? The Best Actress should probably always just be awarded to Emma Stone. Best Actor should be applauded for giving us the widest range of ugliest to hottest entertainers in Paul Giamatti, Cillian Murphy, and Bradley Cooper.

Best Supporting Actress should also probably just be given to Emma Stone. The Best Supporting Actor category has a 60% chance of the winner’s name starting with “R.” Finally, the Best Director nominees combine for 259 years old, an average of 51.8 years. So, if you’re an aspiring director, just put those plans on hold until you’re AT LEAST a quinquagenarian.

So sit back, grab some popcorn and prosecco, and let’s continue to enjoy award season and all of the Hollywood autofellatio that it brings.

A Factual List of Currently Employed Coaches After The Titans Fired Mike Vrabel

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Photo: Music City Miracles

The Titans fired Mike Vrabel today, a shock in the NFL coaching carousel not a lot of us saw coming.

Vrabel’s easily a top 10 coach; many teams would fire their current head coach right now and replace them with Vrabes if they could. Because of agents, contracts, etc., that unfortunately cannot happen.

What can happen, however, is provide a factual list of coaches who are still currently employed at the time of publishing of this blog.

That’s right: Giff Smith, while interim, is still indeed employed by the Chargers. Human bowling ball Brian Daboll is on the payroll. Matt Eberflus might just be hiding under the radar with all of the decisions the Bears have to make this offseason. Dennis Allen is still with the Saints, unless Jamies Winston decides otherwise. Finally, yes, even though his team is currently in the playoffs, Todd Bowles is still gainfully employed.

This is simply a list of still employed coaches, just a randomly selected bunch of guys who are current leaders of organizations in the NFL, unlike Mike Vrabel.

Football is weird.

Who Wouldn’t Want to be Brian Kelly’s New DC?

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Photo: Men’s Journal

LSU Head Coach and America’s Sweetheart Brian Kelly is looking for a new Defensive Coordinator.

After a 10-3 season lead by Heisman winner Jayden Daniels, our beloved marshmellow Coach Kelly announced Wednesday that he will be re-tooling his defensive staff after a lackluster season on that side of the ball for the Tigers.

The only question left at this point: who wouldn’t want to work for this sugar bear?! Obviously a big time program in the SEC is up for grabs; but there is so much more prospective candidates for the job on Coach Kelly’s (as we like to call him, Mr. Rainbow) staff.

Complete honesty with his recruits and players. A sincere care for his staff’s safety. True love and respect for those who came before him. Providing opportunities for the next generation of coaches. Most importantly, always leading from the front and protecting others.

All of this and more; but we don’t want to overdue it and embarrass someone we so greatly respect.

If you’re thinking about taking a job with sweet baby Brian; our only suggestion would be to run and not walk.

Geaux Tigers!

In Defense of Al Michaels

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Photo: The Ringer

Football fans were dealt a fatal blow on Tuesday as NBC announced Al Michaels will not be a part of their NFL playoff coverage.

While Michaels primarily worked as the play-by-play man on Amazon Prime’s Thursday Night games the past few seasons, he held some kind of weird “emeritus” status with NBC that allowed him to cover playoff games.

Listen…we all lose a step eventually. Al Michaels is no different, but he’s arguably the best ever at what he does. We all know about the USA Hockey call, he was light years ahead on gambling, and, most importantly, the man has never eaten a vegetable and looks fantastic.

The move “apparently caught [Michaels] off guard,” which seems fair. How much more can these corporate fat cats at NBC and Amazon push our boy until he falls off the cliff?

For a guy who sounds like a 80 year old Kermit the Frog, we leave you with a full show support for our guy with a very fitting quote from Muppets from Space:

“He’s one of us. And no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles we face, we never forget one of our own.”

Your 2023 UDS Wrapped is Here

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We thought, for no reason whatsoever, that today was a great day for a look back.

Your 2023 Untimed Down Sports (not Spotify) Wrapped is here!

5. The Aughts Hot or Not – Blink 182 β€œFirst Date”

We were all ecstatic to see our favorite teenage angsty emo band get back together this year. While this blog was an absolute banger, I’m sure that played a part in traffic on this bad boy pop into your top five this year.

4. Russell Wilson is a Dork

The gift that keeps on giving; to us in terms of pageviews, and to you as the reader. Our systematic takedown of Russell Wilson is three and a half years old, and was still the fourth-most read blog in 2023. Let us all continue to make fun of Mr. Unlimited.

3. The USMNT Enters Their Jerry Springer Era

Ahhhh soccer, probably our biggest expertise here at UDS. Remember all of the drama with Gregg Berhalter, Gio Reyna, and his parents? Total shit show, but you sickos loved it to the tune of our third most read blog in 2023. Could you imagine if Berhalter was still leading this program? Would be a total disaster.

2. The Alphabet of Best Players in NFL History

Another throwback! You guys love the classics, and we love your love for the classics. This was a blog from August 2020, and because the NFL is king, was our second most read blog this year.

1. Dom Capers Went All In On Ash Wednesday

This fills my amateur-blogging heart with pure joy. Your top read story from this year had to do with Dom Capers insane hair/hairline. The fact that this had the highest page view count this year is confirmation we have the right people reading us.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; as long as you keep reading, we’ll keep writing. An absolutely insane UDS Wrapped. You guys are the best.

Ohtani? Bellinger? Nah…Ichiro.

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Photo: The Ringer

The MLB Hot Stove is really Hot Stovin’. A free agent class led by Shohei Ohtani, Cody Bellinger, and as always…Rich Hill.

But there’s an old familiar face that no one seems to be paying attention to…Ichiro.

Footage dropped Tuesday of Ichiro’s most recent outing, and it did not dissapoint:

I mean…that’s insane.

In the age of Ohtani, what Ichiro’s doing at 50 may just be more impressive. A 50 year old throwing a complete game, almost hitting 90 on the gun, all while going 2-5 at the plate? Guy’s still got it!

Shohei’s probably going to get a half a billion dollar contract. While baseball doesn’t have a salary cap, why wouldn’t a forward thinking GM go chess not checkers and pinch a few pennies by getting a slightly older player who can also pitch and hit?

If you’re a Brian Cashman, Ben Cherington, or Alex Anthopoulos sitting in your hoity toity GM office right now reading this…let’s chat, our DM’s are open.

Snoop Dogg No Longer Wants the Smoke

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Photo: @SnoopDogg on Twitter

Snoop Dogg has dusted his last blunt.

In an Earth-shattering announcement on Thursday, The D-O-Double G has officially announced he has “decided to give up smoke.”

The Doggfather has requested his privacy at this time. Although I’m 100% sure I’d get a direct response, in honor of his wishes, I did not reach out to Mr. Dogg for comment.

Will the world ever be the same? Snoop and weed have become so intertwined throughout his career, it’s hard to figure out where we we go from here.

What’s next?

Peanut butter giving up jelly? Cars protesting wheels? Football quitting on gifting its players CTE?

I think our friends at FanDuel and Draft Kings would be smart to set the futures market on how long this giving up of smoke will last; let us never forget the 2013 reign of Snoop Lion. If I were a wise guy in Vegas, I would set the O/U at 3.5 months.

The Aughts Hot or Not – Chingy “Right Thurr”

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Photo: Relentless Beats

For some reason, an early aughts beef between Chingy and Nelly is going viral.

It’s appalling that this wasn’t a bigger story in the early aughts, but luckily it is now. It also gave us a reason to dip the proverbial pen back into The Aughts Hot or Not series.

That’s right, we’re back with the 2003 chart topper “Right Thurr.”

Music Video

I mean, absolute anarchy right off the top. Did you know that “Right Thurr” was a remix? I had no idea, and I feel like my entire world has been rocked. Other notable 2000’s staples early on is a Hpnotiq-wielding Jermaine Dupri a mere six seconds in, baggy pants and long jerseys to the nth degree, and blurred out trucker hats.

Around the 1:10 mark, we make a not so subtle transition from scantly clad background dancers to child dancers, which is…certainly an artistic choice made by our old friend Ching a Ling. Not to worry, this portion only lasts for about three seconds.

Right after our short children dancing sabbatical, another early aughts throwback introduces herself: Trina! Who, according to her Wiki, is still making music and has gotten into professional wrestling.

As with most early aughts Hip Hop, Jermaine Dupri eventually gets his feature around the 2:05 mark. In an absolute shocker, he covers subjects like Atlanta and partying.

Best Lyric

I like the way you look in them pants, said ya fine
Lil’ momma a quarter piece, she far from a dime

Looking back at this formerly beloved song of mine…it was unfortunately a bit tough to find a best lyric.

I guess this will have to suffice as fairly clever. It brings us all back to the good old days where we objectified women via the American coin system.

Worst Lyric

I know your grown a ‘lil bit, twenty years old, you legal
Don’t trip off my people, just hop in the Regal
I swooped on her like a eagle swoopin’ down on its prey
I know your popular, but you gon’ be famous today

This uh…did not age well. Anytime the words “you legal” and “prey” cohabitating the same lyrical home, doesn’t seem ideal.

In my ever optimistic heart, I can only assume Chingy’s sentiment of “you gon’ be famous today” is a nod to helping whoever he’s speaking with here make their big break in the music industry. Thank you for your service, Chingy.

Rating

Whatever levels of nostalgia I began writing this blog with quickly dissipated. While “Right Thurr” was a certified banger back in 2003, it just doesn’t quite slap the way it used to in my Honda Accord’s removable CD player.

Rating: Two Carson Daly’s

Photo: USA Today

Michigan Cheated – How the Rest of the B1G Did Too

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Photo: Sports Illustrated

The Big Ten has a cheating problem; but who doesn’t?

If I have to hear the name Connor Stalions one more time I’m going to go full Vincent van Gogh. Yes, the entire saga is hilarious. He’s a total dork who is obsessed with Michigan football to potentially unhealthy levels. Each day the evidence continues to pile up that he went all out to help Jim Harbaugh and his coaching staff cheat.

My question is…who isn’t cheating?

If you’re involved in big money sports, with your and others jobs and livelihoods on the line, of course you’re going to gain whatever competitive edge you can get to win. Michigan definitely went overboard with it, but there’s a lot of glass houses throwing stones in this whole scenario.

So, how could each team in the B1G have maybe “bent the rules” to find any type of advantage they could?

Illinois – Brett Bielema showed Iowa recruits his tattoo to get them to de-commit from the Hawkeyes and come to Champaign.

Indiana – made empty promises to players in the transfer portal that if they came to Bloomington they’d automatically get a spot on Shark Tank.

Iowa – confirmed fair and balanced decision making on playing time; denounced nepotism in all its forms.

Maryland – claimed that there is more to the state than crab cakes and football.

Michigan State – forged documents into showing Sparty the Spartan has never taken PEDs.

Minnesota – assured us all that PJ Fleck definitely isn’t a cult leader.

Nebraska – wondered aloud why the other 132 D1 football coaches don’t wear very cool smocks.

Northwestern – continued to swear, under oath, that they are Chicago’s Big Ten team, despite four other conference team’s alumni being in the top 10 in Chicago’s population.

Ohio State – Ryan Day persisted in his vow that he doesn’t color his hair and beard.

Penn State – promised their fanbase that it’s totally normal for a giant cat to be completely naked other than wearing a tie.

Purdue – leaked text messages from Ryan Day asking Coach K about his hair care routine.

Rutgers – “would be a real shame if you didn’t let the Knights cover here…”

Wisconsin – shut down any investigations that they’re working in an underground lab on another batch of high-motored athletic freaks using a certain family’s genes.

It’s really that simple, everyone cheats. It’s a widespread misdemeanor that is prevalent in big time college sports. Anyone with a few minutes and access to Google could find out all of the above-mentioned elusiveness of NCAA bylaws.

It’s Called Fashion, Look It Up: 2023 NBA “City Edition” Jerseys

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Photo: NBA.com

Our fourth annual NBA City Edition Jersey fashion blog is here and it’s spectacular.

One of our favorite traditions since the 2020-2021 season, we dive deep into each jersey and provide the finest fashion commentary on the internet.

Atlanta Hawks – very modern choice going with the Sex and the City opening credit font.

Boston Celtics – groundbreaking to use a different team’s current jersey as your City Editions.

Brooklyn Nets – much like fashion and art, I’m finding it difficult to comprehend Ben Simmons’ modeling mean mug.

Charlotte Hornets – if a team’s going to be boring, at least make their City Edition jerseys exciting.

Chicago Bulls – a lot of empty surface area on the right side, a black hole signifying the current state of the franchise.

Cleveland Cavaliers – if the Cavs had any self awareness, their City Edition jerseys would have Comic Sans as the font every year.

Dallas Mavericks – hopefully Kyrie Irving doesn’t demand a trade before he gets a chance to wear these.

Denver Nuggets – there are more numbers on this jersey than times Nikola JokiΔ‡ has smiled on a basketball court.
Detroit Pistons – these aren’t the Grant Hills…and therefore are dumb.

Golden State Warriors – the Dubs have always been a progressive franchise, and they continue with this look dedicated to Caitlin Clark.

Houston Rockets – the H in H-Town here stands for habanero because these bad boys are fire.

Indiana Pacers – congratulations to the Pacers for breaking the color barrier; this tweet is exactly what Jackie Robinson fought for.

Los Angeles Clippers – after trading for James Harden, they’re using their City Edition jerseys to try and get Wizards Michael Jordan to also join the squad.

Los Angeles Lakers – always smart to connect with the youth. The Lakers do it perfectly here with their Minecraft Edition jerseys.

Memphis Grizzlies – the lettering here is really cool, almost as uncool as the size six number font.

Miami Heat – they usually win this thing every year, but these are a rare L.

Milwaukee Bucks – anytime you tweet “Electric,” you simply cannot have Kris Middleton as your main feature.

Minnesota Timberwolves – I am as shocked at these jerseys as I am to learn Mike Conley plays is still in the league.

New Orleans Pelicans – I don’t think the Pelicans realized their City Editions were going to be released after spooky season.

New York Knicks – are you dizzy looking at these like I am?

Oklahoma City Thunder – the Jason Richardson Warriors would like a word.

Orlando Magic – the Disney patch always perplexes me…does that company really need to advertise?

Philadelphia 76ers – I’m no advertising expert, but wondering the strategy behind having the MVP cross his arms over the entire design.

Phoenix Suns – the Suns always do City Editions the right way, no change this year.

Portland Trailblazers – this year, “Rip City” stands for the Blazers ripping apart Damian Lillard’s lust for the Miami Heat.

Sacramento Kings – a sad depature from the past few years having “Sac Town” pasted across the chest.

San Antonio Spurs – while these are great, the front of the jersey should’ve just been the Eiffel Tower with Wemby’s face on top.

Toronto Raptors – as of the publishing this blog, the Raptors have not put these jerseys on their socials…and I can understand why.

Utah Jazz – remember when Grimace was taking everything over?

Washington Wizards – tank the season, tank your City Edition jerseys.

Some fun ones, some trash, all fun to talk about. The NBA is back!