Author: Chris Cook

Filling Out Jim Irsay’s Dream Coaching Staff

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Photo: Colts.com

Say what you will about Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay…guy does it his way. After four plus seasons of 8,000 year old quarterbacks and a disappointing 3-5-1 start to the season, Frank Reich was fired as head coach of the Colts on Monday.

Anytime a midseason head coaching change happens, organizations are usually in turmoil, and a bedrock of sustainability become top priority to coach out the remainder of the season.

After five stellar seasons of coaching high school football, Jeff Saturday finally gets his shot.

That’s right, the current (former?) ESPN analyst is swapping out his tie for a whistle. Saturday will take over a bad team, rookie quarterback, and no offensive coordinator. Should be great!

While the Colts try and trudge their way through the rest of the season, we’ve tried to look inside Jim Irsay’s brain to see what his ideal coaching staff would look like around Coach Saturday.

Offensive Coordinator – Peyton Manning

I mean, this is a layup.

Of course this would be a perfect fit; fourteen seasons, a Super Bowl, and all of the Colts passing records.

Hiring The Sheriff would be, while a long shot, a slam dunk hire by Irsay.

Defensive Coordinator – Buddy Ryan

Ryan is known as one of the greatest defensive minds to ever coach in the NFL. Rex & Rob’s dad was a part of two Super Bowl winning defenses.

Even though Ryan crossed the proverbial rainbow bridge in 2016, there’s no doubt Irsay will reach out to gauge interest, if he hasn’t already.

Special Teams Coordinator – A Colts Colored Fender Stratocaster

If you’ve been around Mr. Irsay at all, you know he is a man of many vices.

As much as he loves his Colts, he may love music even more. This limited edition electric Stratocaster with maple fingerboard in Lake Placid Blue is as special as the unit it’d be coaching.

Strength Coach – Jim Irsay

Look at that hoss!

That’s is the kind of billionaire who isn’t afraid to get in there and mix it up with the boys. That weightlifting belt is on in the weight room and the boardroom.

Mr. Irsay? More like Mr. Universe!

Hiring Jeff Saturday with only high school coaching experience is just the beginning. The Indianapolis Colts have just started a revolution that will soon take over the NFL with a dynastic flare that will make the 2000’s Patriots look like…well the Colts do now.

May we all have the gusto to live as bravely as Jim Irsay.

Sunday State of Mind: October 31st-November 6th

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Photo: Wallpaper Access

We had the last sports equinox of the year this week. That and more in our latest SSM.

World Series is over, new kings have been crowned
Astros win another one, and are parade bound
No trash can drama this time, at least no rumors yet
If you were to wager though, might not be a bad bet

Some major programs going down in college football
Alabama lost again, Tennessee also did fall
Clemson also lost to an unranked Notre Dame
This part of the football season never comes up lame

We got vintage Tom Brady against the LA Rams
Still trying to beat the notion that the Bucs are shams
Come back win, fourth quarter drive, TB played the right cards
Also became the first QB with 100k yards

Other end of the spectrum, one guy just getting started
Justin Fields running the ball at a level uncharted
Broke the rushing record for a QB in a game
One hundred seventy-eight yards, left the field aflame

The biggest story of the week, what else can we say
The Nets made the right move by keeping Kyrie at bay
Terrible post, terrible week, he doesn’t seem to care
The constant act this guy gives us is starting to wear

Steve Nash’s Cover Letter

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Photo: Fadeaway World

The news that was seemingly coming for weeks became real on Tuesday. As many expected, and some wanted, Steve Nash was “relieved of his duties” as head coach of the Brooklyn Nets.

The Nash/KD/Kyrie/Harden/Simmons experiment is officially a failure. In the rare time the Nets were at full strength during this weird expedition, there were flashes. But injuries, egos, and whatever the hell Kyrie does on a day to day basis was just too much, and Nash paid the price.

Because we like Steve Nash here at UDS, we partnered with the fine folks at Resume Genius to build a cover letter for Coach Nash to use while he looks for his next landing spot:

Best of luck, Steve. We look forward to what’s next. Whatever that is, there is 0% chance it’ll be worse than Brooklyn.

Sunday State of Mind: October 24th-October 30th

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Photo: Wallpaper Cave

This week, SSM stands for Spooky Spooky Memories. It’s Halloween week and we remember the past seven days of scary sports.

A horrifying football game
Out in Virginia, what a shame
Four OTs, no TDs, frightening thing to see
Petrifying football from UVA and Miami

‘Phils and ‘Stros, baseball’s best
Tied at one, no time to rest
World Series shaping up to be
A scary good watch for you and me

Tractorcito running strong
Scarred the Texans all day long
Titans rolling, looking tough
With Henry running, chilling stuff

Christian McCaffrey, holy shit
Just kept scoring, wouldn’t quit
Ran one, caught one, threw one more
Rams got wrecked, ruthless gore

Lakers and Nets, appalling starts
From winning games, they’re far apart
LeBron, AD, Kyrie, KD
Combined wins is less than three

It Gets Better, Laker Fans

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Photo: The Spun

Laker fans…we’re here to help.

As LeBron, AD, and the boys fell to 0-4 on Wednesday night in Denver, we knew you would need us. It’s low right now, we won’t lie. Times are tough. But you know what, you can’t have sunshine without a little rain, right?

Who cares if you’ve lost three of four by 11+ point margins, that you’re second to last and last in three point and shooting percentage, respectively, or that you have one of the most unhappy superstars of all time in a bench role he hates?

You know what, things can only go up from here, right?!

…right?

Hey, your Cowboys are looking decent! Cooper Rush really held down the fort while Dak Prescott was injured. Number four came back and looked OK against the Lions, that’s always great. Don’t even worry about the fact that they’ve only won three playoff games since 1998. You’ve got Micah Parsons!

How could we forget about your Yankees? Season just ended, understood. But Aaron Judge took all of baseball on a hell of a ride to only come up 11 home runs short of Barry Bonds. Something none of us will soon forget. You have to love the “World Series or bust” attitude…even if you’ve only won one in the last 21 years. It’s still a great feat!

Well, hopefully this helps. Lakers fans, you are some of the best and most dedicated in all of sports. I’m sure this season will turn around eventually. LeBron will right the ship, Russell will get shipped, and it’ll be back to The Lake Show in no time.

…right?

Sunday State of Mind: October 17th-October 23rd

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Photo: National Park Service

Another week where sports just unmercifully punched us in the face…and we liked it. Let’s review the pounding with prose in this week’s SSM.

Your NL pennant winners, those pesky Fightin’ Phils!
Took the Padres out, this team is full of thrills
Harper, Schwarber, Wheeler, the list goes on and on
If they play the Astros, series won’t be a yawn

Something rare happened this week, an NFL trade
Niners’ Christian McCaffrey, Frisco not afraid
Made his debut today, got a few plays in
Chiefs came to The Bay however, got themselves the win

Speaking of the Panthers, took it to the Bucs?
Hard to say but it seems like Tampa Bay just sucks
Lot of season left for TB and the boys
Don’t be shocked if they come back and make postseason noise

The NBA is back, first games have come and gone
Just another sport this time of year loves to add on
Some early surprises, Sixers and the Lakers blank
The Jazz keep winning even though they’re clearly trying to tank

Liz Truss Follows Sports Greats After Resigning 44 Days Into Regime

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Photo: CNN

Liz Truss, the new/former UK Prime Minister, has resigned after a 44-day rollercoaster ride leading Great Britain’s government.

Truss’ short reign as leader sure sounded like a smooth, exiting time in the UK. However, all good things must come to an end. With the major announcement this morning, Truss joins some of the greatest/shortest leadership occupancies in sports.

5. Lane Kiffin, Tennessee Volunteers

Look at how happy the Lane Train was in Knoxville!

Kiffin is one of the longer tenured head coaches on our list; lasting an entire season with the Volunteers, going 7-6 in 2009.

4. Magic Johnson, Los Angeles Lakers

After becoming one of the greatest Lakers of all time on the court, why wouldn’t Magic want to lead The Lake Show as head coach?

Well, he did; racking up a stellar 5-11 record in 1994 before resigning and giving us some of the the greatest foreshadowing in history.

3. Lou Holtz, New York Jets

Before Lou Holtz was spitting on all of us on ESPN from 2005-2015, he was actually a pretty good coach.

Not in 1976, however. Holtz took the head coaching job for the New York Jets. He lasted one breathtaking season, killing it with a 3-11 record.

2. Billy Donovan, Orlando Magic

As you can see to the right, Billy Donovan pulled a Magic trick on Orlando back in 2007.

One of the greatest coaches in franchise history, he never lost a game; only because talked Orlando into releasing him from his contract five days after putting pen to paper.

1. Bill Belichick, New York Jets

Two of the rarest images to find on the internet: Bill Belichick with the Jets, and Bill Belichick smiling.

In what clearly changed the history of the NFL, Belichick resigned after being head coach of the Jets for one day in January 2000.


So fear not, Liz Truss. No one laughed at any of the above coaches after or since these jobs. I’m sure no one’s laughing at you after your historical reign in the UK.

Sunday State of Mind: October 10th-October 16th

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Photo: You and the Mat

This week in sports has been absolutely banana sandwich. SSM is here to relive it all.

Alabama/Tennessee, singing Rocky Top
Volunteer offense was rolling, and refused to stop
Hendon Hooker and the boys put up 52
Bama defense, usually good, but last night they blew

Playoff baseball heating up, and upsets galore
Dodgers out, Braves out, who surprised you more?
NLCS matchup of the Padres and the Phillies
Yes you read that matchup right, no not joking, really

Over in the AL, Astros wrecked the M’s
A 3-0 series sweep, Houston played a gem
Guardians and Yankees play to see who gets the ‘stros
Yankees ahead at time of writing, can the bombers close?

We have to ask the question: are the Jets for real?
Went on the road and got a dub down at Lambeau Field
Impressive for a young team, tough place to play for sure
And against Aaron Rodgers, a win they procure

In Light of Dan Snyder’s Threats, We’d Like to Confess

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Photo: Commanders.com

Alright, alright…you win Mr. Snyder.

On Thursday, ESPN dropped an incredible story that the owner of the Washington Commanders and human skin tag Dan Snyder was ready to go full snitch on his fellow NFL owners.

With his back seemingly against the wall and facing the possibility of having to sell his team, Snyder’s ready to go down with the ship and take the other 31 billionaire NFL owner’s with him.

Well, we’re not going to call his bluff. If one man can take out 31 of the most powerful people in the country, who says he won’t come after a dumb amateur sports satire blog next? With that in mind, we have a confession that we’d like to send Mr. Snyder.

We think you’re the least handsome owner in the NFL East***.

In a division full of Jerry Jones, Jeffrey Lurie, and John Mara…you simply cannot match this much sex appeal:

Photos: The Spun, NFL.com, SB Nation.

Look at these striking beasts. Stunning, gorgeous, well proportioned. You honestly can’t even blame Mr. Snyder for his position in our rankings with competition this stiff.

Wow…feels great to get that off of our chest.

***we are a satire site, please do not sue us. You seem like the kind of guy to do that sort of thing.

Sunday State of Mind: October 3rd-October 9th

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Photo: Northern Virginia Magazine

There’s a fall chill in the air, which means playoff baseball and midseason football. All of that and more in this week’s SSM.

A big win out in London, New York beat Green Bay
The New York Football Giants, feeling some type of way
Starting the season 4-1, football’s biggest surprise
Lamar Jackson comes in next week, they may just get baptized

Speaking of baptisms, Jets dunked on the ‘Fins
Miami started 3-1, left with the same amount of wins
Jets have won two straight, sit a game behind the Bills
New York’s cold dead football hearts may be getting filled

Even without their quarterback, ‘bama is the best
Beat Texas A&M, could probably beat the rest
Of the country’s teams, Saban is just that good
The best to ever do it, that is understood

A team worthy of mention, your Kansas Jayhawks
Dream start to the season, some undefeated talks
Hung tough with TCU, but just fell short by seven
Even with a loss, Kansas football fans in heaven

As mentioned in our opening, playoff baseball is here
MLB Wild Card weekend, get your hot dogs and beer
Three game sets were over quick, Cleveland Seattle Philly
Having so much sports at once is absolutely silly