A pretty damning Wednesday at Halas Hall as outlined by Bears beat (Battlestar Galactica) writer Dan Wiederer’s Twitter timeline this afternoon. If you’re too lazy to click that link, here are a few highlights:
Starting left tackle Braxton Jones is heading to IR with a potentially season-ending neck injury.
No one knows who the fuck the actual defensive coordinator is now or moving forward.
When asked about the reason behind his thus far “robotic” play, Justin Fields said “coaching.”
Well at least they have a nice easy matchup coming up Sunday…
Against the Chiefs…
In Kansas City.
But it can’t really be that bad in Chicago, right?
Who cares if, as an organization, you’ve only made the playoffs six times in the last 28 years. It shouldn’t matter that the highest your offense has ranked since 2019 is 22nd. In that same period, a franchise with heavy hitters like Brian Urlacher, Dick Butkus, and Mike Singletary…the highest defensive ranking has been 15th.
Some more bright spots? The best quarterback in the Bears’ 103 year history is Jay Cutler! Of the top five leading receivers of all-time, one of them came after the year 1987! Your all-time leading scorer is a kicker who hasn’t worn your uniform in eight years!
So chin up, Bear Down, and go shock the world Sunday…no way facing Patrick Mahomes at home will be a disaster.
Days like today make the internet not the worst place ever.
Spotify dropped a new feature allowing us to rank our #SpotifyTop5 Taylor Swift Eras. A very smart play by the folks running all of our favorite place to stream music and podcasts.
For the hundreds of millions who have been reading us since the start, you know we love a good ranking.
So, let’s get meta AF with it, yeah? Here’s our #UDSTop5 ranking of things to rank.
5. Athletes
Automatic conversation starter.
LeBron/MJ, Mahomes/Allen, Ohtani/Ruth; it’s a never ending conversation with zero correct answers.
By the way, the correct answers are MJ, Mahomes, and Ohtani.
4. Airports
Traveling is great; airports are not.
We’ve all had bad airport experiences that had nothing to do with airlines. Some are clearly better than others.
All I hope for is that you never find yourself stuck in Minneapolis–Saint Paul International Airport.
3. Streaming Services
Where do you most prefer to snort your hours and hours of entertainment?
Will you sacrifice a shittier user interface for slightly better content?
FWIW, my favorite streaming service is Peacock…it’s the one platform that properly defines the main function of the penis.
2. Seasons
A slightly condensed ranking here. Only four options, but fierce opinions whatever you prefer.
Of course, the only correct order is Summer, Spring, Fall, Winter. Fight me.
1. Food
Unlike seasons, there are thousands of food takes and opinions out there. Plenty of sustenance discourse to be had.
We have sadly reached the end of football season, with the Chiefs beating the Eagles in Super Bowl XVII.
A rhythmic retelling of the game (and Rihanna) in this week’s SSM.
Eagles started early, Jalen sneak for six Chiefs came back quick, Kelce got his fix First quarter jitters didn’t seam real Start your beers, chips and dip, Super Bowl meal
Huge second quarter, points all around Eagles scored thrice, whole roster is sound Scoop and score for KC, only bright spot here Mahomes ankle twisted, major Chiefs fans fear
Riri came and did it, awesome halftime show Hadn’t played in several years, you would never know Debuted a little baby bump, that was the surprise Awesome to have Rihanna back in front of our eyes
Second half started, Patrick came right back Long touchdown drive, was his ankle cracked? Not much in the third quarter for Fly Eagles Fly One more quarter left this year, makes us want to cry
Kadarius Toney’s fourth quarter was bright Tuddy and a punt return, Chiefs a comeback fight Kudos to KC, another Super Bowl Two now for Mahomes, guy is on a roll
Last Saturday, we all saw Patrick Mahomes get bent in a way no normal human being should. If not, see the work of art above from the fine folks at Larry Brown Sports.
It was gross, we all cringed, and hoped we didn’t just see the end of Mahomes’ season. Somehow, he’s a super human freak and came back one one and a half legs and lead the Chiefs to the AFC Championship game.
The official diagnosis seems to be a high ankle sprain, which are three words no athlete wants to hear. But this is Patrick Mahomes we’re talking about. The aforementioned super human freak, who could maybe win this Sunday with zero legs if needed.
Because of that, we are here to rank the top body parts even sweet Patrick will need this weekend:
5. Ankle
This thing got bent so bad it caused a national shortage of medical tape.
If Mahomes wants to have any level of mobility in the pocket this weekend, that ankle needs to be somewhere near normal.
4. Elbow
We all know he can launch a football 175 yards with a flick of the wrist.
If the ankle’s not going to be a full go, he needs that right elbow there to utilize his arm strength.
3. Eyes
Mahomes has been lauded for his ability to see.
This leads to our number three most important body part, as he’ll need his eyes to see where he’s going against a tough Bengals defense.
2. Head
An extension of the eyes, Mahomes will need to make sure his head is attached to his torso if he wants to get to the Super Bowl.
As the old saying goes “need your head to get this bread, fam.”
1. Nuts
As we’ve come to learn since Mahomes has been in the league; this dude has big ‘ol cajones.
He can do it all, all the time. The testicular fortitude on this man is already Hall of Fame level, and he needs to lug those stones into Arrowhead Stadium to advance this weekend.
The body is a temple, and Patrick Mahomes’ is feeling a little rough at the moment. If he indeed brings all of the above, the rematch of last year’s AFC Championship against Joe Burrow and them boys is going to be a thriller.
Chiefs, Eagles, Bengals, 49ers win; Jaguars, Giants, Bills, and Cowboys lose. SSM reviews the NFL Divisional Round.
Started out in KC, a scary injury Mahomes got folded up weird, seemed to hurt his knee It was a ankle sprain, says he’ll play next week Jags lost to the Chiefs but their future isn’t bleak
One blowout this weekend, an NFC East bout Eagles railed the Giants, really left no doubt Danny Dimes was bad, Jalen Hurts was good The one seed in the NFC playing just like they should
Bengals and the Bills, snow globe in Buffalo One QB was on his game and that was Joe Burrow A rematch with the Chiefs for a trip to Arizona Talking grad school NFL, winner gets a diploma
An all-time uni matchup, 49ers and Cowboys Brock Purdy did it again with his offense full of toys Next one on the docket, big one against the Eagles Football was so good this weekend it should be illegal
If you’re not a Bengals, Jaguars, Chargers, Ravens, or Dolphins fan, odds are that you’re hoping to see the Bills and Chiefs play in the AFC Championship Game.
Mahomes v. Allen, Bills Mafia v. Chiefs Kingdom, McDermott vs. Big Red Andy Reid; this matchup would have the most storylines by far of any AFC pairing we as football fans could get for a shot to go to the Super Bowl.
Well, it appears if our collective dreams are answered, there’ll be one more: the game will be played in the most logical place of all, Atlanta.
Yes, beautiful Atlanta. The A. The Dirty. Home of the NFC South’s own Falcons who haven’t seen the playoffs in six years. Whose most memorable postseason is still meme’d to death almost a decade later.
There has to be one of the dozens of Falcon fans out there that really hopes this potential AFC Championship game being held in their stadium is going to brainwash the internet into forgetting that the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead against the Patriots. If you are that person and are reading this, please reach out to chris@untimeddown.com; I would love to speak with you and get inside your brain.
For now, let’s all enjoy Super Wild Card Weekend and root for the Dolphins not to pull the biggest upset in playoff history by beating the Bills on Saturday. Because if they do, all of this Atlanta mess will be for not and me writing and you reading this blog will have been a massive waste of time.
The weather has turned as we are past the unofficial opening of summer. The beautiful forecast calls for some beautiful sports poetry.
The NBA Finals, Boston and The Bay Warriors and Celtics are here to play Al Horford and the boys took game one on the road If they win again tonight Draymond might explode
Capital One’s The Match, the QB edition Four of our top quarterbacks in the competition Brady, Rodgers, Patty, Josh, young guns verse the old ARod and TB12 took it to them for the gold
Baseball staying relevant, thanks to the NFL Tommy Pham’s a wildcard, we’re saying “what the hell?” Who hasn’t wanted to slap a fellow league member Fantasy football means a lot, Tommy’s got a temper
Avalanche and Rangers, not a lot of spoilers Both looking for a sweep against the Lightning and the Oilers Only a few shots left for Tampa and Edmonton If they don’t get it in gear both squads will soon be done
And then there were four. It’s NFL Divisional Playoff Weekend. We recap in this week’s Sunday State of Mind.
The Cincinnati Bengals, also known as Cinderella Their quarterback Joe Burrow sure is one talented fella Bengals went down to Nashville, beat up on the Titans A young team with big talent, NFL should be frightened
Another major upset, Niners over Green Bay Defense and special teams for San Francisco saved the day Jimmy Garoppolo has got to be better next week Otherwise the Niners Super Bowl chances sure look bleak
An NFC West battle, the Super Bowl’s the prize The Rams came down to Tampa and stuck it in their eyes Matt Stafford and that defense ended Tom Brady’s year Rumors are a-floating, will he end his career?
The best for last, Chiefs and Bills Regulation not enough, overtime thrills Time and time again, Mahomes comes out a winner Andy Reid earned himself a nice triple steak dinner
One of the best weekends in all of sports has arrived. The NFL is back and majority of the games have been played. Our annual tradition (one year running) of dedicating Week 1 a full SSM lives on.
We got started on Thursday, Bucs and the ‘Boys Another year of Tom Brady making defenses his toys Bucs held off Dak and his squad, escaped by only two TB12 keeps playing, wins continue to accrue
Seahawks and the Colts, met up at Lucas Oil Indy’s Week 1 hopes, did Russell Wilson spoil Seattle starts their campaign with a big road win Seahawks may be on a Super Bowl run once again
Jaguars and the Texans, oof these teams are bad Might see plenty of Urban, eating pizza while so sad Houston beat the Jags, must give them their due Texans should enjoy it now, wins likely to be few
Eagles and the Falcons, battle of the birds Falcons defense is so bad, it’s hard to put in words Jalen Hurts went out and looked like an All-Pro Good start for The Eagles, still a long way to go
Chargers and The Football Team, met up in DC What could be a high powered LA offense only put up 20 It was enough to get the win, Justin Herbert lead the way Win whatever way you can on any given Sunday
Steelers and the Bills, upset of the week Pittsburgh should not have have won this game, but played up at their peak The Bills seem to be loaded, plenty of wins ahead Getting off to a slow start should be a short term dread
Lions and 49ers, surprisingly high score Bit of a shocker here, thought this game would be a bore Still as most of us thought, Niners came out on top If San Fran keeps this offense up, they will be hard to stop
Bengals and the Vikings, week 1 overtime Burrow versus Cousins, both were throwing dimes Cincinnati held on, OT field goal, victory Brutal for all of us out there with Vikings -3
Panthers and the Jets, Darnold revenge game Played well against his former team, victory was claimed Zach Wilson threw two tuddys in his NFL debut Probably won’t take too long for Jets fans to start to boo
Cardinals and the Titans, down in Tennessee Arizona offense humming, lead by Kyler Murray Disappointing start for Derrick Henry, Tractorcito Shouldn’t be a huge concern, sure he’ll find his flow
Cleveland Kansas City, Browns and the Chiefs Brownies lead most of the game, their stay on top not brief Cleveland had more than a shot, fan’s mouths began to foam But we’ve all seen this before, comeback Patrick Mahomes
Patriots and Dolphins, ‘Bama QB battle Tua and Mac Jones, young guns back in the saddle It was Fins Up in New England though, Dolphins with the dub Mac played well in his debut, joined the NFL Club
Broncos and the Giants, in the Meadowlands Giants had a chance to win, slipped right through their hands Teddy Two Gloves did his job, Melvin Gordon too If Saquon doesn’t get more run, G-Men will be 0-2
Packers and the Saints, Jamies was the best Quarterback in this game, Rodgers did not impress New Orleans won the game, difference of five touchdowns Potential last season for A-Rod, started with a frown
Nightcap in LA, Rams versus the Bears Rams have themselves a real QB, defenses should be scared Stafford and McVay could be a coach/QB combo To get back to the Super Bowl, in short time we’ll know
Happy Father’s Day! Read this week’s SSM to Dad since he was probably napping in his recliner during all the action.
Madden 22 has released their latest cover Two goats, one game, great for football lovers Brady and Mahomes are your newest cover boys On the video game that has given all of us years of joy
Spider Tack introduced itself into the public eye MLB cares all the sudden, truly wonder why No chance that it could be because batting’s now a joke Anything they can do to fix a sport that’s nearly broke
Suns and the Clippers, finals in the West Phoenix and LA going to see who is the best Bucks advanced in the East to face the 76ers or Hawks Philly or Atlanta in game seven, loser has to walk
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