Aaron Rodgers is an unexcused absence from Jets minicamp today. Coach Robert Saleh claims the 40 year old was not at camp due to an event that was “important to him.”
So…where is he?
Hard to tell; in the last few years, Rodgers, who was forever known as a fairly boring interview who kept things close to the chest, has absolutely opened himself up to the public. For better or for worse, we now know what this guy’s all about.
Maybe he just needed a shot of ayahuasca for a one day trip. Perhaps he is considering a fourth party candidate to team up with for this year’s election. Is he finalizing a celebrity boxing match with Dr. Fauci? Does he need to take a break after realizing his anti Big Pharma stance has zero legitimacy since he chose to work for the heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune?
There is nothing wrong with professional athletes having interests outside of their sport. Those who do are probably better off then those who don’t. So really, this isn’t a big deal.
Jets’ fans Super Bowl dreams were dashed in four plays last night when Aaron Rodgers’ achilles exploded.
The roster is in place for a run right now, but since no one loves Zach Wilson like we do, reports are already surfacing that the Jets are making calls on other quarterbacks:
The roster has been impeccably assembled, and the main reason that Rodgers came to New York in the first place.
So, lets hash out the Jets’ best options.
Marcus Mariota
The current backup in Philadelphia has plenty of not terrible starting experience.
Sitting behind Jalen Hurts is a pretty good gig, but another shot to start after things didn’t end well in Atlanta might be tempting.
Cooper Rush
Rush showed he was more than capable while subbing in for noted weirdo Dak Prescott last year.
If he could do that with a good Dallas roster, who says he can’t recapture the magic with the Jets?
Tom Brady
Obviously, the photoshops are already there…hay’s in the barn as they say.
This would be the funniest result, especially after the suck fest the Patriots and TB12 just had a few days ago.
If Brady’s not coming back with the Jets, he’s coming for Jimmy Garoppolo (again) anyways.
Dan Marino
You’re telling me this mf who was throwing for almost 50 tuddy’s and 5,000 yards in the 80’s couldn’t stand back and sling it in 2023?
Marino to the Jets is at LEAST 10-7, guaranteed.
A Fire Hydrant
This roster is so stupid good this thing to the left could stand back there and lead Gang Green to their first Lombardi Trophy since 1969.
It’s official, Zach Wilson has been replaced by Aaron Rodgers for the New York Jets’ foreseeable future.
What the hell are they doing?
According to Jets GM Joe Douglas, they’ve shot themselves in the foot by benching a guy who has the potential to be the greatest quarterback of all-time:
“I spoke to guys at the Combine, and Zach’s ceiling is unlimited. No one works harder, no one loves ball more than Zach Wilson.” Douglas told reporters Tuesday.
So, if we’re playing the logical game here, Douglas is telling us that Zach Wilson is the spawn of some insanely football-centric orgy that includes Tom Brady, Dan Marino, Joe Montana, and more.
This thing goes deep, pun intended. Johnny Unitas, Bart Starr, Roger Staubach were involved because we don’t age shame. Brett Favre, Michael Vick, and Ben Roethlisberger are the bad boys that brought some edge. Cam Newton, Kenny Stabler, and Johnny Manziel even dipped in to keep things weird and loosey-goosey.
All of these stalwarts of the most important position in sports came together to give birth to Zach Wilson, this all according to Joe Douglas. To deprive not only us as fans, but more importantly the rest of the Jets roster, from seeing this gunslinging unicorn is simply a travesty.
Douglas has admittedly done some great work putting together this roster. However, on one hand acknowledging that he has this unbridled creature sitting in his quarterback room at the Jets facility and on the other saying they’re not giving him the keys to the franchise is not only imbecilic, it’s downright irresponsible.
Aaron Rodgers has completed his voyage in Green Bay and is now beginning his expedition with the Jets.
After a stupefying eighteen seasons in America’s Dairyland, including over 63,000 yards though land and air, 510 visits to the end zone, and reaching the mountain top in the most Super of Bowls in 2011, a bipartisan love affair between the quarterback and those who adore him is passing on into the ether.
What awaits this sublime champion in his new trek east? A whole new universe. Buroughs aplenty; a simple guessing game implies Rodgers fits best in Brooklyn. The broadest of ways, ladies with the upmost levels of liberty, and proximity to The World Trade Center for some closer research.
Will any of this work? Will this new amalgamation of quarterback and team result in the success both are seeking? That’s for the higher power, and Nathaniel Hackett, to decide.
There you have it; one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time’s future being decided in a pitch black cabin.
Along with the aforementioned “Isolation Retreat” sounding like a chart-topping 80’s hair band, in four-ish minutes the always efficient Rodgers pumped out these other names that sound like ensembles our parents smoked weed to when they were kids:
“Art of Contemplation”
“Four Nights of Complete Darkness”
“Highest Interest of Happiness”
“Isolation and Darkness”
“Adult Diapers”
Rodgers fancies himself as a “free thinker,” which is for the most part fine. He’s said some dumb stuff that doesn’t need to to rehashed here.
But isn’t something like an “isolation retreat” determining your future make for a better interview than the classic “well, I need to sit down with my family, pray about it, and come to a decision in due time with my family” that we hear 10,000 times every offseason?
Some Thursday thoughts for the boys and girls as we reflect back on 2022.
We had the completely original idea to recap our top 10 stories of the year.
A sincere thank you to all who check out any of our stuff, please continue to do so. For those that don’t, we have an idea for your New Year’s resolution.
The sports and pop culture worlds were both crushed at the completely surprising split of super couple Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley back in February.
This one we’re still enjoying as the year comes to a close. Jim Irsay went full Jim Irsay and hired a guy who played for him over a decade ago with zero non-high school coaching experience. We wanted to hop on the train and fill out the remainder of Mr. Irsay’s dream coaching staff.
This blog was written in May 2020, and was still our eighth most read in 2022. That’s a compliment to both how many times Russ makes all of us cringe and how great you readers are that you keep coming back to this blog.
Remember in October when the human version of Mr. Burns Daniel Snyder threatened to take down the other 31 NFL owners? That was great, and scared us into some serious confessions.
We all deserve a second chance in life, right? Kyle Jenner certainly believes so, as she renamed her son after a month and a half or so trail period of naming him “Wolf.” Ever the helpers we are, we put together some names we thought might fit. We really liked “Skip TheLine Jenner” but that’s just us.
Amidst a hurricane tornado of controversy (non of his own doing) Steve Nash was finally freed of his duties of having to coach the Brooklyn Nets last month. We used an AI generator to create his cover letter for his next job.
4. Heard vs. Depp, the Shit Show Trail of the Century
News exploded in January that the Carolina Panthers were bringing in former Giants head coach and fashion icon Ben McAdoo as their offensive coordinator. It didn’t really work, but was fun while it lasted.
You guys love reading these, and we love writing them. This yearly blog is always up there on page views; making dumb jokes about each jersey is something we all enjoy.
1. The Over Hits on Calvin Ridley Suspensions (0.5)
Our top-read blog in 2022 was an easy bet: Calvin Ridley was suspended in March for gambling on NFL games. We did some serious journalism and analyzed his Twitter account to find if we missed any signs before his gambling habit was discovered.
Wow, what a look back at the year that was. We truly went to some interesting and dumb places together, didn’t we? If you enjoy what we do, tell a friend to tell a friend.
In all seriousness, we truly appreciate your eyes and readership. On to 2023, where maybe Russell Wilson won’t be such a goober.
Save for a few more games, the sports have completed their sportsing this weekend. Let’s look back together at all the happenings in this week’s SSM.
The Albert Pujols show, big episode this week Joined the 700 club, not bad for an antique He did it in style, two bombs out in LA The Yankees home run record keeping Aaron Judge at bay
Tough week in Miami, The U indeed not back MTSU came to town, Hurricanes blue and black First year, new coach for the ‘canes, so this isn’t the end Another upset like this though, things may just start to bend
TB12 and A-Rod, who’s your favorite old QB On field goat debate, what a thing to see Could not care less who won the game, what matters to us most Was how the hell did a bee swarm end up on the goal post?
Colts and the Chiefs, thought this would be easy By the end of the game Kansas City fans were queasy Big upset for Indy, Matt Ryan won a big one Tough loss for the Chiefs, Andy Reid had no fun
The weather has turned as we are past the unofficial opening of summer. The beautiful forecast calls for some beautiful sports poetry.
The NBA Finals, Boston and The Bay Warriors and Celtics are here to play Al Horford and the boys took game one on the road If they win again tonight Draymond might explode
Capital One’s The Match, the QB edition Four of our top quarterbacks in the competition Brady, Rodgers, Patty, Josh, young guns verse the old ARod and TB12 took it to them for the gold
Baseball staying relevant, thanks to the NFL Tommy Pham’s a wildcard, we’re saying “what the hell?” Who hasn’t wanted to slap a fellow league member Fantasy football means a lot, Tommy’s got a temper
Avalanche and Rangers, not a lot of spoilers Both looking for a sweep against the Lightning and the Oilers Only a few shots left for Tampa and Edmonton If they don’t get it in gear both squads will soon be done
Total annihilation of the heart. Woodley indicated that Rodgers was too football-focused to be committed to their relationship. Now whether that’s a Big Little Lie or not, we may never know. All we can ascertain at this point is that she has become Divergent of the relationship with the Packers quarterback. We aren’t here to put The Fault on either of these Stars.
Rodgers, one of the best to ever do it, has seen this play out before. It, of course, being losing family. The reigning NFL MVP will now get a Discount Double Check on meals as he’ll no longer be paying for two. After today’s excruciating news, Rodgers will not be adding a wedding ring to his one Super Bowl ring; and has been immunized from being in a relationship.
With the status of his engagement no longer in Jeopardy, will the NFL’s Most Valuable Player commit to another year of football? Only time will tell.
The colors are changing, but the sports world is not. We look back at the week that was in this week’s SSM.
World Series Champs, your Atlanta Braves A bonus Astros loss, what baseball fans crave A total random champ in the MLB Finally Atlanta fans filled with major glee
Bad week for the Bills, lost to the Jags No TD’s on either side, not riches but rags Real life Spiderman meme, two Josh Allens Final score of 9-6, two teams with no talons
Speaking of bad weeks, Odell Beckham Junior Got divorced from the Browns, should’ve happened sooner OBJ got his wish, went and got waived Time for a new team, and a path to be paved
Aaron friggin’ Rodgers, what a wild week Talked on McAfee’s show, one hell of a streak He missed this week in KC, after a positive test For COVID 19, needs a PR life vest
More bad PR, from the NBA Two awful owners, who maybe just might pay For their terrible actions, probably time to go The Suns and The Blazers, both guys really blow
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