Bryce Young Has Some Free Time

Photo: The Charlotte Observer

After another, uh, subpar afternoon for Bryce Young, the team announced this morning that he will be benched.

Last year’s number one overall pick will give way to Andy Dalton moving forward. So, what should Bryce do with his free time?

  • Focus on the Future: keep things positive. Don’t dwell on the past successes, only envision the good things that lay ahead. If there’s one thing Young has that every QB needs, it’s a short memory.
  • Play Monopoly: not just playing the board game, which usually does kill a lot of time. Bryce can also participate interactively as the thimble game piece.
  • Deep Cleaning: it’s always a good time to tidy up the house; while he may need some help with the rest of the house, if Young can get on his tippy toes he could get his baseboards shimmering in no time.
  • Jockey: a potential career change, and would be in plenty of time to make next May’s Kentucky Derby.
  • Ratatouille: a great way to keep in the game, Bryce would have more than enough room in The Red Rifle’s helmet to get in game visual reps.

This benching is surely only a small bump in the road for what will turn into a giant career for Bryce Young. We won’t sell him short; he will reach heights he never thought possible. The future wins will dwarf this teeny-weeny setback.

NFLPA Report Cards are Out and THE SHADE

Photo: Pro Football Talk

The NFLPA does a lot of good things, but their yearly report card might be the best.

The one time each year that players get to anonymously eviscerate their teams without worry. The 2024 edition is finally here, and there is some SHADE.

Treatment of Families

“F” grades: Bengals, Chargers, Patriots, Steelers, Buccaneers, Commanders.

We should not be surprised the Commanders received a “F” in anything.

“A” grades: Cowboys, Dolphins, Vikings, 49ers.

The Cowboys nail this one because I assume Jerry Jones hits on every single mom that comes around.

Food/Cafeteria

“F” grades: Bengals, Chargers, Saints

Of course the Bengals failed this; OF COURSE.

“A” grades: Texans, Dolphins, Eagles, 49ers

The Eagles had to up their food game after drafting Jordan Davis this year.

Nutritionist/Dietician

“F” grades: Bengals, Chiefs

I know Double Jeopardy is illegal, but I support the Bengals being charged twice.

“A” grades: Falcons, Texans, Raiders, Dolphins, Vikings

A true representation of Josh McDaniels’ time in Las Vegas.

Locker Room

“F” grades: Cardinals, Falcons, Chiefs, Chargers, Steelers, Commanders

Falcons have failed this every year since they built their sphincter stadium.

“A” grades: Bears, Cowboys, Jaguars, Raiders, Dolphins, Vikings

Again, Josh McDaniels has always been a perfect locker room guy.

Training Room

“F” grade: Commanders

The Commies are the only team to receive a failing grade in this category, and we’re always here for anything that further confirms Dan Snyder being a human puddle of garbage water.

“A” grades: Jaguars, Dolphins, Vikings

The Dolphins deserve this A for somehow managing to get Tua to play all 17 games this season.

Training Staff

“F” grades: Chiefs, Commanders

The only time the Chiefs and Commanders will be uttered in the same breath.

“A” grades: Panthers, Falcons, Dolphins, Giants, Eagles

Only two of these teams made the playoffs; are training staffs even important?

Shoutout to the NFLPA for allowing the boys to anonymously spill the tea every year, and shoutout to the Dolphins for getting A’s in every single category. More importantly, shoutout to the Commanders for locking down four out of six F’s.

Dom Capers Went All In On Ash Wednesday

Photo: Sheena Quick on Twitter

Dom Capers; save some for the rest of us!

The new senior defensive assistant for the Carolina Panthers has clearly bankrupted the entire Catholic church of their ash stockpile on this holy day.

Actually, I have no idea of Capers religious beliefs. I don’t care and neither should you. What I do care about is the generous glob of Flex Seal that sits on top of that 72 year old head.

This guy has forgotten more football than any of us will ever know, and has put more hair dye on this dome than any of us ever should. According to his Wiki, this most recent job he was introduced as this morning is his twenty first position he’s held in either college or pro football since 1972. We’re hearing rumors that he celebrates each job with dumping a vat of hot asphalt on his cabeza.

My guy is lined up better than Jared Leto, Jake Gyllenhal, and Zac Efron put together. Yeah he might look like he has lego hair, but those luscious locks aren’t moving an inch in a F5 tornado.

It’s honestly probably the reason he’s gotten so many jobs in an insanely competitive field. Yeah he can draw up some fun schemes in his patented 3-4 scheme, but that piece he’s working with has got to be good for 3-4 wins each year.

Untimed Down Sports 2022 in Review

Photo: Matrix Group

Some Thursday thoughts for the boys and girls as we reflect back on 2022.

We had the completely original idea to recap our top 10 stories of the year.

A sincere thank you to all who check out any of our stuff, please continue to do so. For those that don’t, we have an idea for your New Year’s resolution.

10. Aaron Rodgers & Shailene Woodley Split

Photo: People

The sports and pop culture worlds were both crushed at the completely surprising split of super couple Aaron Rodgers and Shailene Woodley back in February.

9. Jeff Saturday Hired as New Colts Head Coach

Photo: Colts.com

This one we’re still enjoying as the year comes to a close. Jim Irsay went full Jim Irsay and hired a guy who played for him over a decade ago with zero non-high school coaching experience. We wanted to hop on the train and fill out the remainder of Mr. Irsay’s dream coaching staff.

8. Russell Wilson Continues to Be a Dork

Photo: Sports Illustrated

This blog was written in May 2020, and was still our eighth most read in 2022. That’s a compliment to both how many times Russ makes all of us cringe and how great you readers are that you keep coming back to this blog.

7. Daniel Snyder is Going to Get All of Our Asses

Photo: Commanders.com

Remember in October when the human version of Mr. Burns Daniel Snyder threatened to take down the other 31 NFL owners? That was great, and scared us into some serious confessions.

6. Kylie Jenner’s Baby is a Horse With No Name

Photo: Refinery29

We all deserve a second chance in life, right? Kyle Jenner certainly believes so, as she renamed her son after a month and a half or so trail period of naming him “Wolf.” Ever the helpers we are, we put together some names we thought might fit. We really liked “Skip TheLine Jenner” but that’s just us.

5. Steve Nash Gets the Brooklyn Boot

Photo: Fadeaway World

Amidst a hurricane tornado of controversy (non of his own doing) Steve Nash was finally freed of his duties of having to coach the Brooklyn Nets last month. We used an AI generator to create his cover letter for his next job.

4. Heard vs. Depp, the Shit Show Trail of the Century

Photo: E! News

This trail was dumped on us for over a month. It was foul, repugnant, and stunk. But we wrote about it anyways.

3. Finally, Some Sex Appeal Back in the NFL

Photo: NY Daily News

News exploded in January that the Carolina Panthers were bringing in former Giants head coach and fashion icon Ben McAdoo as their offensive coordinator. It didn’t really work, but was fun while it lasted.

2. NBA “City Edition” Jerseys are Back

Photo: NBA.com

You guys love reading these, and we love writing them. This yearly blog is always up there on page views; making dumb jokes about each jersey is something we all enjoy.

1. The Over Hits on Calvin Ridley Suspensions (0.5)

Photo: atlantafalcons.com

Our top-read blog in 2022 was an easy bet: Calvin Ridley was suspended in March for gambling on NFL games. We did some serious journalism and analyzed his Twitter account to find if we missed any signs before his gambling habit was discovered.

Wow, what a look back at the year that was. We truly went to some interesting and dumb places together, didn’t we? If you enjoy what we do, tell a friend to tell a friend.

In all seriousness, we truly appreciate your eyes and readership. On to 2023, where maybe Russell Wilson won’t be such a goober.

Sunday State of Mind: October 17th-October 23rd

Another week where sports just unmercifully punched us in the face…and we liked it. Let’s review the pounding with prose in this week’s SSM.

Your NL pennant winners, those pesky Fightin’ Phils!
Took the Padres out, this team is full of thrills
Harper, Schwarber, Wheeler, the list goes on and on
If they play the Astros, series won’t be a yawn

Something rare happened this week, an NFL trade
Niners’ Christian McCaffrey, Frisco not afraid
Made his debut today, got a few plays in
Chiefs came to The Bay however, got themselves the win

Speaking of the Panthers, took it to the Bucs?
Hard to say but it seems like Tampa Bay just sucks
Lot of season left for TB and the boys
Don’t be shocked if they come back and make postseason noise

The NBA is back, first games have come and gone
Just another sport this time of year loves to add on
Some early surprises, Sixers and the Lakers blank
The Jazz keep winning even though they’re clearly trying to tank

Sunday State of Mind: September 5th-September 11th

Photo: Dreamstime

We continue a longstanding tradition here at UDS by dedicating an entire SSM to Week One NFL action.

Big start on Thursday night, Rams and the Bills
Pregame program was legit, full of fluff and frills
The game was in LA, but plenty Bills fans there
Josh Allen and the boys came out and won the game with flair

Sunday start in the dirty, Falcons and the Saints
Start of football season, we have no complaints
Something so familiar, Falcons had an early lead
They coughed it up and lost, almost guaranteed

Browns and the Panthers, Baker revenge bowl
He wanted to win this game with his entire soul
Browns came out and played, got a surprising win
Panthers almost came back, there’s a positive spin

The San Francisco 49ers are used to good weather
The conditions in Chicago, they were different all together
It rained and rained and rained some more, really came down strong
A nice win for the Bears in a season that might be long

Steelers and the Bengals, an AFC North tilt
Bengals came in walking tall, like a man on stilts
Five turnovers for Joe Burrow, not like him at all
Even so, we had OT, but the Bengals did fall

Eagles and the Lions, closer than we expected!
Coming into the day, thought this game would be neglected
Lions got down early, then almost came back
Lot of money on the Eagles, banks almost attacked

Texans and the Colts, folks we have a tie
Same score in regulation, OT, and then the game died
Feels like a win for Houston, Indy can not be psyched
Have to think a blowout win is what they would’ve liked

Patriots and Dolphins, Miami’s brand new look
Mike McDaniel’s offense had Bill Belichick’s D shook
Tua looked OK, Tyreek and Waddle balled
Dolphin fans ecstatic, Pats fans are appalled

Ravens and the Jets, Flacco revenge game
Cool Joe did play pretty well, can’t give him much blame
Lamar Jackson’s on a mission, wants to get that big money
Three touchdowns and Ravens win, L-Jack sweet as honey

Jags and the Commanders, this game just seemed weird
First game for Carson Wentz in DC, brought his big red beard
Jaguars were close to grabbing a week one win
At least until week two for victories to begin

Giants and the Titans, King Henry and Saquon
The Titan bruised along, Giant looked like a swan
Another crazy comeback, as New York did their job
Titans played tough in the first half, but ended like slobs

Cardinals and the Chiefs, and a new look KC
Went to Arizona, first opportunity
To see if they still had it after losing some big stars
Five tuddy’s for Pat Mahomes, he did not go too far

Chargers and the Raiders, matchup in LA
Justin Herbert is a stud, and he was on display
Three touchdowns and no picks, his team is 1-0
Raiders have a nice roster, only upwards to go

Vikings and the Packers, A-Rod needs to some talent
He can’t go out and win himself, they guy’s only so gallant
Story is not about him though, Vikings looked pretty good
Kirk Cousins was really sharp, was he misunderstood?

Buccaneers and Cowboys, Sunday night in Dallas
Jerry Jones must love it when we’re focused on his palace
Tough break for Big Jer, as Tom Brady is still here
TB12 wins again, will for 100 years

Sunday State of Mind: July 4th-July 10th

Photo: Pixels Talk

We’re back from a two week summer hiatus! Honestly, the only appropriate return to content is our weekly recount of the week that was in sports; Sunday State of Mind.

The Championships Wimbledon, tennis’ best
Crowned two champs Sunday, better than the rest
Novak won his seventh, Rybakina’s first
Kyrgios was the star for his evaluation of this lady’s thirst

The nightmare is over for Baker Mayfield
His hate for the Browns no longer concealed
The Panthers new QB; ready to roll
Don’t think this will end at the Super Bowl

Damian Lillard, the Portland Trailblazer
Signed a two year extension, talk about a fundraiser
The deal keeps him in Portland until ’27
Trailblazer fans must feel like they’re in heaven

The Detroit Tigers had a winning streak!
Six games in a row, ended this week
Good to see a young team string together some wins
But still far behind the first place Twins

Panthers Hire Noted Sex Symbol Ben McAdoo as Their New Offensive Coordinator

Look at him, drink in every inch of that perfectly tailored suit.

The NFL got better on Friday when the Carolina Panthers announced the hiring of Ben McAdoo as their new offensive coordinator. Before Pete Davidson was the sexiest man in New York, Coach McAdoo held that title. The former Giants head coach last prowled the sidelines in 2017 with the G-men, and had been in consulting roles with the Jaguars and Cowboys since he was unjustly fired in New York.

An undervalued offensive mind, Big Bad Ben brings the twisted steel and sex appeal the Panthers were looking for in their search. The titillating teacher of offense graced the Giants with his beautiful brain during an incredible run that started in 2016 and unfortunately ended in 2017.

According to Pro Football Reference and The Football Database, this polymath of passing and play action’s highlights include, but are not limited to:

  • 2016: ranked 26th in scoring offense, ahead of juggernauts like the Bears, Jets, and Browns
  • 2016: ranked 29th in rushing, beating out dependable runners like Theo Riddick of the Lions and Jerick McKinnon of the Vikings
  • 2016: ranked 17th in passing, out-throwing big arms like Ryan Tannehill of the Dolphins and Brock Osweiler of the Texans
  • 2017: ranked 31st in scoring offense, blowing the Browns out of the water (just like 2016)
  • 2017: ranked 26th in rushing, a huge improvement from 2016 and outrushing big hitters like Kerwynn Williams of the Cardinals and Samaje Perine of the Washington Football Team
  • 2017: ranked 19th in passing, this extremely slight drop from 2016 can easily be explained by the improved rushing attack and becoming a more balanced offense. Even with all of that, that stellar offense had more passing yards than Joe Flacco’s Ravens and Jacoby Brissett’s Colts

Absolute fireworks. If you’re a Carolina Panther fan today, I don’t know how you’re containing your excitement. Go buy those season tickets because they’ll be flying off the shelf after this announcement. Go out and get that “Panthers Super Bowl Champs 2023” tattoo. Name your next born “Benjamin.” There are no rules after organization shifting hires like Coach McAdoo.

You’ve got yourself a stud…ride that pony all the way to the Lombardi Trophy.

Sunday State of Mind: November 8th-November 14th

Photo: Calm.com

The sports weeks come, the sports weeks go. When the latter occurs, Sunday State of Mind shows up to remind you of the former.

Cam Newton is back in the blue black and gray
Signed earlier this week, scored twice on Sunday
A quick turnaround for the big quarterback
Announced to the league “I’m back, I’m back”

More NFL moves, Rams did it again
Signed Odell Beckham, they’re still all in
OBJ in LA, it just sounds right
Rams O has no reds, only green lights

The Detroit Lions did not lose!
They didn’t win either, don’t get confused
A tie with the Steelers, score was 16-16
No victory or loss, something in between

This week we tipped off college basketball
Really getting into the sports schedule of fall
Field seems wide open, blue bloods and mid majors
Plenty of action out there for some wagers

Sunday State of Mind: September 6th-September 12th

Photo: Phys.org

One of the best weekends in all of sports has arrived. The NFL is back and majority of the games have been played. Our annual tradition (one year running) of dedicating Week 1 a full SSM lives on.

We got started on Thursday, Bucs and the ‘Boys
Another year of Tom Brady making defenses his toys
Bucs held off Dak and his squad, escaped by only two
TB12 keeps playing, wins continue to accrue

Seahawks and the Colts, met up at Lucas Oil
Indy’s Week 1 hopes, did Russell Wilson spoil
Seattle starts their campaign with a big road win
Seahawks may be on a Super Bowl run once again

Jaguars and the Texans, oof these teams are bad
Might see plenty of Urban, eating pizza while so sad
Houston beat the Jags, must give them their due
Texans should enjoy it now, wins likely to be few

Eagles and the Falcons, battle of the birds
Falcons defense is so bad, it’s hard to put in words
Jalen Hurts went out and looked like an All-Pro
Good start for The Eagles, still a long way to go

Chargers and The Football Team, met up in DC
What could be a high powered LA offense only put up 20
It was enough to get the win, Justin Herbert lead the way
Win whatever way you can on any given Sunday

Steelers and the Bills, upset of the week
Pittsburgh should not have have won this game, but played up at their peak
The Bills seem to be loaded, plenty of wins ahead
Getting off to a slow start should be a short term dread

Lions and 49ers, surprisingly high score
Bit of a shocker here, thought this game would be a bore
Still as most of us thought, Niners came out on top
If San Fran keeps this offense up, they will be hard to stop

Bengals and the Vikings, week 1 overtime
Burrow versus Cousins, both were throwing dimes
Cincinnati held on, OT field goal, victory
Brutal for all of us out there with Vikings -3

Panthers and the Jets, Darnold revenge game
Played well against his former team, victory was claimed
Zach Wilson threw two tuddys in his NFL debut
Probably won’t take too long for Jets fans to start to boo

Cardinals and the Titans, down in Tennessee
Arizona offense humming, lead by Kyler Murray
Disappointing start for Derrick Henry, Tractorcito
Shouldn’t be a huge concern, sure he’ll find his flow

Cleveland Kansas City, Browns and the Chiefs
Brownies lead most of the game, their stay on top not brief
Cleveland had more than a shot, fan’s mouths began to foam
But we’ve all seen this before, comeback Patrick Mahomes

Patriots and Dolphins, ‘Bama QB battle
Tua and Mac Jones, young guns back in the saddle
It was Fins Up in New England though, Dolphins with the dub
Mac played well in his debut, joined the NFL Club

Broncos and the Giants, in the Meadowlands
Giants had a chance to win, slipped right through their hands
Teddy Two Gloves did his job, Melvin Gordon too
If Saquon doesn’t get more run, G-Men will be 0-2

Packers and the Saints, Jamies was the best
Quarterback in this game, Rodgers did not impress
New Orleans won the game, difference of five touchdowns
Potential last season for A-Rod, started with a frown

Nightcap in LA, Rams versus the Bears
Rams have themselves a real QB, defenses should be scared
Stafford and McVay could be a coach/QB combo
To get back to the Super Bowl, in short time we’ll know